Dealing with family members...

sarahdale24 · 02-03-2008, 02:46 AM

Ok, I need some advice. I know this is about marriage and relationships, but I fear that if I don't reach some sort of understanding in this, I could very well affect my wonderful marriage I have now.

My mother told me when I got married, when I asked why didn't she call(she never really did before) and here is what she told me...

"you are married now, you have your own life now..." This statement ticks me off to no end!

Hello, just because I got married, moved away doesn't mean I am going to shut out my family. My family is very important to me, and I love being able to keep in contact. Since I moved out to CA with my husband(hes in the military so didn't have a choice, although I don't regret moving), my family only calls IF I call them 1st or if I go a week w/o calling them.

My dad will go 3 days w/o me calling before he calls.
My mom doesn't call at all. Yes my parents are divorced and I am closer to my dad, although I have tried EVERYTHING to get close to my mom. She will drive 2 hrs, spend gas money to drive 2 hrs to go see my sister, and pick up her grandson, but yet she wont buy a 5.00 calling card to call me every once in awhile. I had to call her on my birthday!!!! I send cards for birthday, holidays etc. We can't afford phone calls either but I make a point to pinch pennys to stay in touch with our families.

Since I have moved out here(been here a little over a year) I have flew home 3 times and hubby and I drove home 1 time. My family has yet to even try to come out here. It costs us over 600 dollars for one person to fly home to FL. We can't really afford that and end up living paycheck to paycheck sometimes.

Part of me wants to just write my family off. They don't want anything to do with me then why do I try so hard still?

My mom will do anything and everything for my sister because my sister grew up with her, and she has her grandchild. My brother has a child too, and him and his ex are divorced. My mom hardly has anything to do with my brother, but kisses his ex's butt!

Sometimes I think that if I had a child she would take more notice, but then I get

because why should I have to feel like I need a child in my life(when we aren't at that point in our marriage yet) to satisfy her.

Is it wrong of me to feel like I should cut out certain members of my family? Am I being selfish by feeling jelous of my sisters attention she gets from our mom? I would be understanding if she felt uncomfy about all the attention she gets, but she doesn't think she is getting any more than I am...

thanks for letting me vent. This whole issue has affected me for awhile now and I really dont want it affecting my marriage. Things are so wonderful with us right now, I wouldnt want anything to mess it up!

Any advice?

SageMother · 02-03-2008, 08:43 AM

You have to set your priorities so that you feel whole. Apparently this situation is eating away at that feeling.

When people don't respond as you would like, it is time to focus your energy elsewhere. You aren't being selfish but you are responding to the information you are being given on many levels.

draconis · 02-03-2008, 08:58 PM

Sometims people come around in time other times they don't. I was never close to my father but recently have had more communication then ever before. He now is the father I wish I had growing up. For the longest time I spent as much energy on him as he did me which was very little. However I am very close to him now so things can change. Channel your energy where you get results, don't "write them off" just pruorities to the people that feed you positive emotional energy and keep in touch with the others but don't expect them to be people they are not.

draconis

sarahdale24 · 02-03-2008, 09:03 PM

Thanks so much for both of your advice! I feel confident with taking it and I already feel lots better! Thanks again!

bhappy3 · 02-15-2008, 05:12 PM

Well, I would try to remember as far as sending cards and making phone calls that you're not doing it b/c they're nice people, you're doing it b/c you're a nice person. If they want to reciprocate, they can, but just remember that you're being the bigger person by keeping in touch with them. Seek out the ones that do appreciate your attention and definitely adjust your hopes towards the others. Sometimes we get so caught up in what we hope the ideal relationship will be that we lose sight of the reality of the relationship and what it actually is.

sarahdale24 · 02-15-2008, 08:30 PM

Good News! My mom is now starting to call more. Bad news my dad has backed off and stopped keeping in contact...GRR...thanks everyone!