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post #16 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-24-2014, 11:52 PM
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Re: A question for those who run this website

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Originally Posted by alexm View Post
I agree. And not to threadjack too much, but perhaps a sticky on all forums with regards to, essentially "don't post unless you have experience in the subject".

I find the same as some of you do - that many people here stick their two cents in on subjects they have no life experience with. It's fine, I suppose, if the advice is heartfelt and logical, however there are far too many folks here, good intentions or not, who tend to jump to conclusions.

With extremely personal subjects commonplace on TAM, and a lot of heartbroken people, the typical "get over it" or "I would never let my husband/wife do that to me" rhetoric can be damaging.

There are more than a handful of people here (none of whom I have anything personal against) who I just gloss over their replies, as they are almost always negative, under the guise of "telling it like it is" or being blunt, or speaking the truth.

I am not in a sexless marriage, though I have teetered on that edge more than once, and the possibility is always there. To me, there are many many reasons why people in that situation do not divorce. To hear "well, just divorce his/her a**" several times over in the a thread in which one is seeking solace is not productive. Nor is being told you are a beta, a p***y, or a doormat, etc. While it may be the case in some instances, it is still not necessarily the point of why one is posting about their sexless marriage, and can be construed as insulting or demeaning - two things which only continue the misery for the poster.

I think this subject is well worth it's own forum, as well as managing (or creating rules) to better filter out those who are merely giving an opinion from those who have actual life experience.

Personally, I think just about every regular poster here has value to TAM. However many of them like to dip their wick into anything and everything and act as though they know what they're talking about at all times, and that is not acceptable, imo. I think better judgement should be made by many people (perhaps including me at times) in terms of how they reply, and to what. Just because you have an opinion does not always mean it must be shared.

I'll give you a real world (TAM) example of my point. There was a guy here who posted for many years. The vast majority of his responses were good, many of them really, really good. But he was also very blunt and adamant that he was right. To the point where you either loved the guy, or couldn't stand him. But his advice and posts were still relevant and straight up and generally helpful. The issue I had with him (which I kept to myself) was that he was in every thread, in every forum, commenting on every topic, and yet had no real life experience with almost anything he posted on. From what I, and most of us, could tell, he had a great marriage, a healthy balance, and was happy in life. This struck me as odd, as I always wondered what brought him here in the first place. I believe I asked him once, and got no response.

Now advice from somebody who is in a good marriage is obviously very valuable, as most of us here are not (which is WHY we're here). However I did take issue with him offering his blunt style of "advice" in threads and on topics that he merely had an opinion on. The good he did here FAR outweighed the bad, however there were many who he rubbed the wrong way, and even drove from TAM due to his style and insistence on always knowing what's best for others.

This is the type of thing that needs to be slightly better managed here on TAM, imo. That's not a knock on the moderators or owners at all, it's just reality. The fact is, many people get a little too comfortable here, and others comfortable with them. When somebody new comes along, especially with a very personal subject to discuss, it's very easy for them to be run off. Then they're branded a troll when they don't come back. Nobody needs to have their advice candy-coated, but for many who come here seeking advice, it's almost as though there's an old boys/girls club running this place at times. This place, like any forum, should be more welcoming, particularly given the subjects at hand here.
If you're talking about Conrad, he did not have a great marriage. It was very strained but he loves his wife very much.

If anyone has real world experience it is he.

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post #17 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-04-2015, 06:34 AM
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Re: A question for those who run this website

I've just read this thread. I am all for 'Sexless Marriage' forum too. Somewhere frustrated people can simply 'vent' as well as look for advice.

One thing on the Sex in Marriage forum I find 'frustrating' is that people - generally in a sexed up marriage - are very quick to criticise.
One thing in particular is when people in sexless marriages admit to having been unfaithful.

Whilst we all know adultery is wrong, we are all human. People know that smoking can kill yet they still do it.

If you are thirsty and someone offers you a drink you will take it.

I just wish those in 'happy' and 'fully sexed' marriages would try to be a bit more understanding.

Instead of posting 'You should be ashamed of yourself for being unfaithful. Divorce first'....it would be far more sympathetic to write 'What you did was wrong and you shouldn't have done it. However, I can understand why you did it'.

Not everything in life is black & white.
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