The Most Toxic Forum In Existence - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 01:33 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

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It depends on how one defines "relationship."

If you categorize any interaction with another person, regardless of level of seriousness, as a relationship (for example, you have a relationship with your mom, but you also have a relationship with the janitor because you exchange pleasantries once a week), then YES, most relationships in life are disposable.

My definition of relationship is different. If I consider an interaction to be disposable, then it's not a relationship. I know everyone on my building's cleaning crew, most of them by name, and I exchange pleasantries, but it's not a relationship. I have lots of acquaintances, and many of them are "friends" on Facebook, but I don't consider then relationships. All of these people could vanish from my life without a trace, and it would make no difference to me.

I have relationships with my family, my friends, (some) colleagues--people whom I engage with in a deeper, more meaningful way. Most of them are positive, some of them are negative. If they were to become absent from my life, I would be affected in some way.

Therefore, NO, I do not think that most relationships in life are disposable. Some are not meant to last a lifetime; they each have their own season, but it doesn't mean that they are disposable. Because PEOPLE are not disposable.
And I would add, that even though there are people with whom I engage that I do not consider "relationships," I don't treat them as though they were disposable. I try to treat every person as a human with inherent value, even if they are only passing through my existence. Because they are PEOPLE.


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

"Either you're interested, or you're not. Fvck yes or no... As in, if it isn't fvck yes for you, leave me the fvck alone. I don't have time for playing games."
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post #32 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 01:41 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

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It depends on how one defines "relationship."

If you categorize any interaction with another person, regardless of level of seriousness, as a relationship (for example, you have a relationship with your mom, but you also have a relationship with the janitor because you exchange pleasantries once a week), then YES, most relationships in life are disposable.

My definition of relationship is different. If I consider an interaction to be disposable, then it's not a relationship. I know everyone on my building's cleaning crew, most of them by name, and I exchange pleasantries, but it's not a relationship. I have lots of acquaintances, and many of them are "friends" on Facebook, but I don't consider then relationships. All of these people could vanish from my life without a trace, and it would make no difference to me.

I have relationships with my family, my friends, (some) colleagues--people whom I engage with in a deeper, more meaningful way. Most of them are positive, some of them are negative. If they were to become absent from my life, I would be affected in some way.

Therefore, NO, I do not think that most relationships in life are disposable. Some are not meant to last a lifetime; they each have their own season, but it doesn't mean that they are disposable. Because PEOPLE are not disposable.

I would posit that many of the ones you find meaningful and important are not necessary for survival or happiness. How many of them end? other than the relationships with family/parents/siblings and some close friends, how many last a lifetime? If they end, they have to be disposable in some sense or how do you move on? I guess disposable and relationship are two fluid terms, however in the OP I get the sense that being willing and able to move on from a relationship is a negative thing-- i dont think that should be the case. I think what you said is important to grasp and embrace-- they each have their own season. That doesnt mean those people are less worthy, so being able to move on in a healthy way is important too. I admit sometimes it is easier to move on-- even when you know it is better for all parties-- if there is a little anger or negativity. Id like to be able to allow things to flow in and out as they need to without that but I have not always been able to.
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post #33 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 01:45 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

I kind of agree but also kind of disagree with the premise that information needs to be divulged in a straightforward manner.

I do agree that many places tend to gloss over the situation, particularly in the early goings, in an effort to either not scare away a poster or because they're predisposed towards reconciliation at any costs.

With that said, information needs to be delivered in a manner in which the person looks for help is most likely to consume it.

Personally, it varies depending on poster. Some you feel are wandering aruond looking for direction, and they need help in a direct fashion. There are others whose first reaction is fear. Those may need to be massaged in the right direction.

I tend to stick with males who need help because, being a male, I don't think that i miss out on a lot of the nuance that I feel that I do miss with females who post. That may be sexist or wrong, but I figure giving no advice is better than giving bad advice, and I'm not convinced that my advice is always good on the female side.

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post #34 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 01:51 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

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I like how you completely twisted what I said into something it was not.

MOST of our relationships ARE disposable, yes.

You have relationships with thousands of people. You do not NEED very many of those to find happiness. Those relationships start and stop daily, and yet...some of us still go on happy. Those able to adapt to this are the ones who actually find happiness.
I'm sorry if you felt I "twisted" what you and said, and yes most of us have all sorts of connections with all sorts of people but since this is a forum about marriage, I had understood the term "relationship" to mean close family or intimate relationships.
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post #35 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 02:01 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

Who peed in your cheerios?

If I may stretch a metaphor, TAM is a buffet.

Sample all you wish because you cant beat the price. Go back for more if you find something that blows your hair back. Leave all that you don't like on a dirty plate and walk away from the plate and the table. You don't have to leave. Just pick thru to find what you do like and leave the rest

Overall it doesn't get much better.

Sorry you are in a bad place but you are barking up the wrong tree.

Taking your marbles and going home quietly isn't suspect. It's a rational choice.

Lobbing unwarranted bombs into a gathering of those still enjoying the place is attention seeking.

I don't get the self-requested ban thing. It seems free choice works fine. The self-ban is too overly dramatic not to be questioned.

Did you lose an argument your ego can't handle? Self-examination of your motives is in order.

What point do you suppose the self-requested ban me people are trying to make by stinking up the place with dramatic exits instead of just quietly walking away

Last edited by thread the needle; 01-29-2016 at 07:39 PM.
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post #36 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 02:12 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

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I tend to stick with males who need help because, being a male, I don't think that i miss out on a lot of the nuance that I feel that I do miss with females who post. That may be sexist or wrong, but I figure giving no advice is better than giving bad advice, and I'm not convinced that my advice is always good on the female side.
I don't think that's sexist. Men and women are very different creatures, and we behave, think, and communicate in very different ways. If you don't feel your advice would help. or might even be detrimental, I think it's fine to keep quiet.

However, I have seen some men give very bad advice to other men, and women give very bad advice to other women, simply because they really don't understand the opposite sex. They think they do, but they don't. For example, I will NEVER go to my mother for relationship advice, because everything she thinks she knows--and has tried to impart to me--about men has been completely skewed and wrong.

(If you see that happening, you should probably interject!)

Luckily, here on TAM, the good advice usually outweighs the bad.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

"Either you're interested, or you're not. Fvck yes or no... As in, if it isn't fvck yes for you, leave me the fvck alone. I don't have time for playing games."
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post #37 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 02:18 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

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I like how you completely twisted what I said into something it was not.

MOST of our relationships ARE disposable, yes.

You have relationships with thousands of people. You do not NEED very many of those to find happiness. Those relationships start and stop daily, and yet...some of us still go on happy. Those able to adapt to this are the ones who actually find happiness.
I don't think he twisted it--I read your response the same way as Lionelhutz. I just responded differently.

I inferred that Lionelhutz was referring to marital and serious relationships in his previous comment (which he has since confirmed was his meaning), so given HIS context, he didn't twist your words.

He's talking about serious relationships, you're talking about all relationships, no matter how minor. There is a big difference between the two.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

"Either you're interested, or you're not. Fvck yes or no... As in, if it isn't fvck yes for you, leave me the fvck alone. I don't have time for playing games."
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post #38 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 02:34 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

I took the phrase from the original post, his response was to my post. I was not saying ALL relationships are disposable and I take issue with the snarky phrasing 'to most people who are not socio-paths'.

Frankly, if I had not come to the point that...well...MOST relationships are disposable, I would not have been able to move on from a marriage that would have been never ending discontent for me. And I believed that relationship, becasue it was marriage, was not disposable. If you cant come to the point in an unhappy marriage that the relationship is disposable, then you are going to either be in an unhappy relationship or when you are left by your spouse live in misery over that 'indosposable' relationship that you no longer have. Walk away when you need to. Move on when its healthy.

Basically, this came up because the original post is an attempt to portray anyone on here who has advocated for divorce, 180, separation, etc, (in a very generalized way) as viewing HUMANS disposable and Ill stand by what I said-- MOST relationships ARE disposable. No I am not a sociopath.
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post #39 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 03:15 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

I think the problem is the use of the term "disposable." "Disposable" connotes something of very little value, like paper plates or styofoam cups. It's cheap. It's designed to be thrown away. Use it up once, and it's done--and it can no longer be of value or used by anyone else.

When one takes that into perspective, deeming relationships (and by extension, people) as disposable seems like a very callow response, does it not?

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

"Either you're interested, or you're not. Fvck yes or no... As in, if it isn't fvck yes for you, leave me the fvck alone. I don't have time for playing games."
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post #40 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 04:06 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

I found marriagebuilders.com forum to be somewhat selfrighteous and overly suspicious myself, even if a lot of the general advice on the site did help my marriage.

I'm more of a lurker on TAM. Opinions are too varied here for me to make an easy generalization.

My favorite site is TMB (the marriage bed), but that is only Christian focused, and mostly about sex and its relation to marriage so I can understand people wanting something different from TMB.

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post #41 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 04:29 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

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I think the problem is the use of the term "disposable." "Disposable" connotes something of very little value, like paper plates or styofoam cups. It's cheap. It's designed to be thrown away. Use it up once, and it's done--and it can no longer be of value or used by anyone else.

When one takes that into perspective, deeming relationships (and by extension, people) as disposable seems like a very callow response, does it not?
I totally get what you are saying and I believe that is the reason for the response from the other poster, basically stating that you are a sociopath if you see relationships as disposable. So definiely that connoation is something most are not comfortable with admitting, but in the end that is kinda what it is. What other words would you use? I think likely we both have the same idea, or believe the same things. I currently value certain relationships and definitely certain ones will always be important, but others have all but ended and probably because they were not needed by me or the other party. To your point though, certainly the connotation of the term 'disposable' is negative.
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post #42 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 04:33 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

How can I go on in life knowing that Quigster doesn't like this site?



I just don't think I can bear it.
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post #43 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 04:35 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
I think the problem is the use of the term "disposable." "Disposable" connotes something of very little value, like paper plates or styofoam cups. It's cheap. It's designed to be thrown away. Use it up once, and it's done--and it can no longer be of value or used by anyone else.

When one takes that into perspective, deeming relationships (and by extension, people) as disposable seems like a very callow response, does it not?
"Replaceable" is a much more accurate word.

If all the myriad stories on TAM have taught us all anything, is that each and every one of us is replaceable.

Sad fact, but that is just life.
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post #44 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 04:41 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

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For the most part, for whatever reason, TAMers are an unusual collection of high IQ, smart, savvy, well-articulated bunch of posters, unlike many other forums I have visited. TAM seems to draw the "thinkers"... those who really want to figure it out.
Why do I like that post so much?
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post #45 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 04:52 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

I feel quite the contrary about this forum. I think there are many very helpful people here and I have benefited alot being here.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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