The Most Toxic Forum In Existence - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 09:51 PM Thread Starter
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The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

Somehow, it seems Talk About Marriage is among the first search results if you do an online search for "relationship forum" or similar keywords. It's touted as "the largest community on the web for marriage and relationship advice." It may be the largest, but it's far from the best or the most helpful.

There are a select number of long-time posters here who seem genuinely interested in being helpful and providing useful advice. I thank you for your time. This post is not addressed at you.

As for the rest of you: It's possible you have no idea what kind of damage you've done. People who are so quick with a witty rejoinder: "Divorce her yesterday!" "Why are you two even still together?" "She's obviously cheating on you!" "Lawyer up!" So easy to be so casually dismissive when it's another person's relationship on the line. I see almost no suggestions from ANYONE that advise to work through one's differences with their partner or to sit down and have a heartfelt talk. You people can't possibly know how many burgeoning relationships you've tainted with your poision, your suspicious, your bitter and jaded outlook.

To anyone who may stumbled onto this post accidentally while looking for the kind of relationship advice you desperately need: Look elsewhere. You won't find it here.

I've been posting to various message boards for twenty years now. I've certainly dealt with my share of online bullies and jerks. They pop up on every forum. The sheer amount of negativity and rudeness and toxic sludge on Talk About Marriage, though, is overwhelming. I post here looking for advice and help, and I feel like I get slapped in the face almost every day. More often than not, I come away from this horrible place feeling even worse than when I started. It's emotionally draining to tolerate the a$$hattery and general a$$holery that you people dole out on a daily basis.

So, I'm done, effective immediately. You've successfully driven me away. I haven't been the first and I sure as hell won't be the last. Perhaps in its infancy, this forum was genuinely helpful and welcoming to people. All I see now is a close-knit circle of like-minded armchair pundits who are determined to kick to the curb anyone who doesn't already subscribe to their ideals.

Wish me luck in my future endeavours, since I'm going it alone. I'll incorporate and adopt the meager few nuggets of genuinely, sincerely useful advice I've come across. As for the rest of you, enjoy your toxic little forum. Please, sling as many sarcastic barbs at my direction after I'm gone and can no longer defend myself. It's what you people do best, after all.

Unsubscribe.

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post #2 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 10:04 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

Long gone,

Sorry you feel that way. All forums have toxic people, this one has helped my marriage tremendously. Take what you need and whatnot.

I've seen the other forums, there are so many great people here that I can't imagine participating elsewhere, the signal to noise ratio is excessive. Even when I vehemently disagree with what a poster said here it still makes me pause and question myself. That's priceless.

It's your loss in the end I guess. Thank you TAM.


Cheers,
V(13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quigster View Post
Somehow, it seems Talk About Marriage is among the first search results if you do an online search for "relationship forum" or similar keywords. It's touted as "the largest community on the web for marriage and relationship advice." It may be the largest, but it's far from the best or the most helpful.

There are a select number of long-time posters here who seem genuinely interested in being helpful and providing useful advice. I thank you for your time. This post is not addressed at you.

As for the rest of you: It's possible you have no idea what kind of damage you've done. People who are so quick with a witty rejoinder: "Divorce her yesterday!" "Why are you two even still together?" "She's obviously cheating on you!" "Lawyer up!" So easy to be so casually dismissive when it's another person's relationship on the line. I see almost no suggestions from ANYONE that advise to work through one's differences with their partner or to sit down and have a heartfelt talk. You people can't possibly know how many burgeoning relationships you've tainted with your poision, your suspicious, your bitter and jaded outlook.

To anyone who may stumbled onto this post accidentally while looking for the kind of relationship advice you desperately need: Look elsewhere. You won't find it here.

I've been posting to various message boards for twenty years now. I've certainly dealt with my share of online bullies and jerks. They pop up on every forum. The sheer amount of negativity and rudeness and toxic sludge on Talk About Marriage, though, is overwhelming. I post here looking for advice and help, and I feel like I get slapped in the face almost every day. More often than not, I come away from this horrible place feeling even worse than when I started. It's emotionally draining to tolerate the a$$hattery and general a$$holery that you people dole out on a daily basis.

So, I'm done, effective immediately. You've successfully driven me away. I haven't been the first and I sure as hell won't be the last. Perhaps in its infancy, this forum was genuinely helpful and welcoming to people. All I see now is a close-knit circle of like-minded armchair pundits who are determined to kick to the curb anyone who doesn't already subscribe to their ideals.

Wish me luck in my future endeavours, since I'm going it alone. I'll incorporate and adopt the meager few nuggets of genuinely, sincerely useful advice I've come across. As for the rest of you, enjoy your toxic little forum. Please, sling as many sarcastic barbs at my direction after I'm gone and can no longer defend myself. It's what you people do best, after all.

Unsubscribe.
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post #3 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 10:05 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

Sadly, there's more than a grain of truth in what you've said...

I'm sorry that you have been hurt here and I wish you the best of luck and happiness in the future.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #4 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 10:30 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

You could look a little inward as well.

Your last post on the infidelity and chivalry thread was pretty offensive and an extremely bad comparison between having sex with your AP and stabbing a home invader. Both to save your family?

I've been dealing with marital issues and infidelity for nearly twenty years and been reading forums for around 4 years.

TAM is one of the best and the only one I will be a member of.
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post #5 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 10:35 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

Quigster is banned at his own request.
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post #6 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 10:46 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

Is this the guy who proclaimed if he had not moved states with his first wife, than he never would have met his adultery partner (who became his second wife?) If so, I guess circumstances forced his hand and the karma bus met him full force. So sorry he won't be giving me advice on my marriage! I wonder how his third marriage will turn out?

Long term relationship of 25 years.
Finally made it legal 10/3/14
Three children 23, 21 and 15.
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post #7 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 10:54 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Quigster is banned at his own request.
That's a shame. I'd have liked to continue the discourse over in CWI.

Still, posting something like this and then requesting a ban?

"Courage" indeed.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #8 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 10:54 PM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quigster View Post
Somehow, it seems Talk About Marriage is among the first search results if you do an online search for "relationship forum" or similar keywords. It's touted as "the largest community on the web for marriage and relationship advice." It may be the largest, but it's far from the best or the most helpful.

There are a select number of long-time posters here who seem genuinely interested in being helpful and providing useful advice. I thank you for your time. This post is not addressed at you.

As for the rest of you: It's possible you have no idea what kind of damage you've done. People who are so quick with a witty rejoinder: "Divorce her yesterday!" "Why are you two even still together?" "She's obviously cheating on you!" "Lawyer up!" So easy to be so casually dismissive when it's another person's relationship on the line. I see almost no suggestions from ANYONE that advise to work through one's differences with their partner or to sit down and have a heartfelt talk. You people can't possibly know how many burgeoning relationships you've tainted with your poision, your suspicious, your bitter and jaded outlook.

To anyone who may stumbled onto this post accidentally while looking for the kind of relationship advice you desperately need: Look elsewhere. You won't find it here.

I've been posting to various message boards for twenty years now. I've certainly dealt with my share of online bullies and jerks. They pop up on every forum. The sheer amount of negativity and rudeness and toxic sludge on Talk About Marriage, though, is overwhelming. I post here looking for advice and help, and I feel like I get slapped in the face almost every day. More often than not, I come away from this horrible place feeling even worse than when I started. It's emotionally draining to tolerate the a$$hattery and general a$$holery that you people dole out on a daily basis.

So, I'm done, effective immediately. You've successfully driven me away. I haven't been the first and I sure as hell won't be the last. Perhaps in its infancy, this forum was genuinely helpful and welcoming to people. All I see now is a close-knit circle of like-minded armchair pundits who are determined to kick to the curb anyone who doesn't already subscribe to their ideals.

Wish me luck in my future endeavours, since I'm going it alone. I'll incorporate and adopt the meager few nuggets of genuinely, sincerely useful advice I've come across. As for the rest of you, enjoy your toxic little forum. Please, sling as many sarcastic barbs at my direction after I'm gone and can no longer defend myself. It's what you people do best, after all.

Unsubscribe.
Pity you feel this way but you are making sweeping generalisations. people have different views, you may have to sift through lots of responses to find the jewels of wisdom but I think it is not fair to write off all responses as being bitter and jaded, etc.
This is an anonymous form not a professional counselling service and anyone coming on this should approach the forum as a way of letting out their inner feelings anonymously and know that some responses may not be very caring or intelligent. If you want a 100% empathetic ear, then pay someone to hear you out. Sorry you feel you have to go.
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post #9 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 09:25 AM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

Anyone who has been seeking advice on message forums for twenty years, has to realize that their problems are beyond a message forum. Pay for counseling and maybe you'll see some results.
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post #10 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 09:38 AM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Still, posting something like this and then requesting a ban?
I think the term is:



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post #11 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 09:46 AM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
Anyone who has been seeking advice on message forums for twenty years, has to realize that their problems are beyond a message forum. Pay for counseling and maybe you'll see some results.
To be fair, he didn't actually say that he'd been seeking advice for 20 years. He said:-

Quote:
I've been posting to various message boards for twenty years now. I've certainly dealt with my share of online bullies and jerks. They pop up on every forum. The sheer amount of negativity and rudeness and toxic sludge on Talk About Marriage, though, is overwhelming.
I've seen threads started by newbies who have obviously been in a lot of pain, and I've been utterly appalled at some of the terse repartees they have received...

Honesty is important, but deliberately kicking a dog when it's down is cowardly, and there are a few here who do just that...

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Last edited by Cosmos; 01-29-2016 at 10:04 AM.
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post #12 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 09:46 AM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

On the one hand, I have noticed more a slightly more jaded and cynical tone in the last year. Some people seem to imagine happiness is possible if you simply view most of your relationships in life as disposable. And maybe for the sociopaths and narcissists among us, that is true.

On the other hand, many people keep repeatedly asking how to "fix" their relationships as a form of denial, avoiding the answer they don't want to hear and looking for the cure-all answer they hope exists.

You need BOTH partners working hard to when a relationship is in serious trouble and if that is not the case, it is usually (but not always) an illusion to think you can do it on your own. You just end up extending and increasing the pain for everyone
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post #13 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 09:56 AM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
Pity you feel this way but you are making sweeping generalisations. people have different views, you may have to sift through lots of responses to find the jewels of wisdom but I think it is not fair to write off all responses as being bitter and jaded, etc.
Frankly, when you read about how much of a total hot mess a relationship is, the phrases "Why are you still together? Leave!" and things along the lines of "Divorce that cheater, yesterday!" are jewels of wisdom.

People who have acquired life experience and have paid attention to human relationship patterns can recognize a lost cause when they see it.
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post #14 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 09:59 AM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

Well, you left, but the irony is you called Gus a coward and then berated someone for disagreeing with you. Kind of interesting hypocrisy and irony in your goodbye post. You know, you deal out toxicity and then cry about it when you leave. I've read your threads, your take is very interesting and angrily biased.

Good luck, I hope you find a place that will tell you what you want to hear and only what you approve.
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post #15 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 10:13 AM
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Re: The Most Toxic Forum In Existence

As a senior here and moderator for 8 years there is truth in what he says, however I would never label the forum as toxic. The community has always been divided as to how to deal with a troubled marriage, adultery, sexless relationships.... The pendulum has swung back and forth over the years between dealing with issues with an air of caution or a hardline position. I hope it always does as in general it seems to be self leveling. But most who come here, come during the worst days of their lives, broken, lost, beaten down and searching for anything that might help them solve their burdens, including my self. No matter the circumstances they should be treated with respect if they are here looking for help.

It can be a fine line between tough love and bullying, true empathy and mere wrist patting. It is up to the member in need, to determine the path between those four pillars. To separate the wheat from the chafe and determine the best course to either solve the marital problems or move on with their lives. My advice to all coming here in need is to do that. Look at all the advice given and give it all true consideration, even thou some will cut against the grain of your heart or mind. Once you have determined your strategy follow that direction but be aware, it may not be correct and you may have to reboot it at some point. There are many here with different approaches, theories and backgrounds. There is also a huge amount of sage that should be considered and respected.

Is TAM toxic, hardly. TAM was one of the great sources of information and strength that helped guide me through my darkest days. Surpassed only by my faith. The same forces of TAM were at work back then. Hardliners that told me to expose, kick her to the curb and what not. Others that helped me learn patience and focus on the long game. In the end, once I had determined what I needed to do I paid heed to those that gave me the most support and guidance. The original inner circle of mods. Of the six of us, two were BSs and two were WSs. During a reconciliation that took three and a half years, they provided me with the support I needed and the tough love I needed to hear. Also the encouragement to change the strategy when it was necessary, including when I informed her, I was ready to divorce. Had I not found TAM it would be doubtful that my wife and I would be celebrating 32 years together this spring.

My heartfelt thanks to TAM, its members and its focus to help those who find themselves in a place they never thought they'd be. A special shout out to the original inner circle that has all but vanished. Thanks Chris and Jen for the creation of TAM and all your support. And to the original mods who made such a difference for me. M22, Leaha, Swede and Drac (RIP).

Amp

Confidence Love Patience Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

Last edited by Amplexor; 01-29-2016 at 10:22 AM.
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