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Did you grow up thinking that only having intercourse with another woman was cheating

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#1 · (Edited)
My husband told me that he thought only having intercourse with another woman is cheating. I guess hand jobs and BJ's are fair game in his eyes!

I was mortified that he even thought this way. Is this a common thought among men? I hope it isn't.
 
#36 ·
No. And anybody that says they did is full of $hit in my opinion!

Now I will admit that I never heard of an emotional affair before.
And still question if its as damaging as a physical affair.
 
#39 ·
I think an emotional affair can be very "damaging" to a marriage, especially if the spouse participating in it is maintaining an emotional connection with their affair partner and not their spouse.

But a physical affair - actually having an ongoing affair with sexual contact with someone?- that crosses a line that I don't think I would want to try to come back from with someone.

Same with an emotional affair that is sexual but just not conssumated due to lack of opportunity - like if my spouse was texting I love you and I wish I was with you and not my less appealing spouse... I want to get alone with you and xyz.... Yeah, I'm not ever going to feel secure that my spouse really loves me again. Ever. That's not going to work for me.

The big problem with a purely emotional affair is that it opens the door to fall in love with someone other than your spouse if you're letting someone else than your spouse meet your intimate emotional needs.
 
#44 ·
My husband told me that he thought only having intercourse with another woman is cheating. I guess hand jobs and BJ's are fair game in his eyes!
If I were you, I'd start pulling out the old credit card statements and looking for any charges at massage parlors or strip clubs. Any business travel for work?

You'd be a fool to think he hasn't participated in this activity during your marriage if he really thought it wasn't cheating. Why wouldn't he right? After all, it's not cheating......
 
#46 ·
My husband told me that he thought only having intercourse with another woman is cheating. I guess hand jobs and BJ's are fair game in his eyes!
If I were you, I'd start pulling out the old credit card statements and looking for any charges at massage parlors or strip clubs. Any business travel for work?

You'd be a fool to think he hasn't participated in this activity during your marriage if he really thought it wasn't cheating. Why wouldn't he right? After all, it's not cheating......
I did check credit cards and bank statements. With deep sadness and disappointment, i found out that my husband we to many strip clubs behind my back and got lap dances :(
 
#50 ·
You are correct! If i gave another man a BJ my husband would flip!

Im tired of this double standard. I know my husband touched stripper's (breasts/butt). I am no fool! I know what goes on inside strip clubs (many wives have no clue). If they knew what happens during a lap dance, they would forbid their husband going to strip clubs.

If i ever catch my husband going one more time to those places i will file for divorce immediately!
 
#59 · (Edited)
My thoughts on the topic - cheating is doing something with somebody you wouldn't do in front of your spouse, and/or you know they wouldn't be okay with, or otherwise impacts their ability to give/receive something that is supposed to be shared only with one's partner.

Just like the virginity debate, it's all in how one views things, and it's not black and white.

And whether we admit it or not, there are certainly varying degrees, or levels, of cheating, and we all have our different boundaries of what is forgiveable and what isn't.

For me, personally, if it's something I wouldn't say or do with my wife right next to me, then it's not okay. It's not necessarily "cheating", per se, but it's in the same conversation for sure.

As some of you know, my wife used to be rather flirty with others, early into our relationship. She never crossed lines, from what I saw, however she admittedly liked the attention (don't we all?) and it unfortunately gave some people the wrong message. I wouldn't say she invited it, however she didn't shut it down, either.

She, of course, didn't see things the same way as I did, as is normal. I told her to look at it from my POV, that my (then) girlfriend is acting as though she is available when she's not. How does this make ME look? How does this make HER look? "But I'm not available, don't you trust me? They know I have a boyfriend." "I do trust you, and I know you're not available, but I don't think those guys do." "But it's only flirting." "To you, yes, to them, I'm not so sure. Are YOU sure?"

But more importantly (to this topic here) is that I asked her to think about whether she would be accepting of this type of behaviour if I were standing right next to her. If some dude were to make a comment about her, say, boobs, and I was right there, how do you think I'd react? Would you respond any differently in this case?

So basically, if it's not something you'd say or do with your partner right next to you - don't effin' say or do it. Is it *cheating*? Probably not. Is it okay? Absolutely not.

But then again, the word "cheating" denotes one gets something from somebody that is not their partner, that is otherwise supposed to be something one only gives or receives from said person. If my wife (then girlfriend) was receiving comments that were boosting her ego, making her feel good, or desirable, from people other than myself, is that not cheating me out of the ability to do so?

We all draw our own lines, though, and that's okay. For some people, porn is not okay. Your partner is getting turned on sexually, and getting off to somebody else who isn't you. Strip joints, even if there's no touching or lap dances. That sort of thing. For others, one or both of those is perfectly acceptable. My wife doesn't watch porn, but it wouldn't bother me if she did. She also doesn't go to strip clubs, but that WOULD bother me.

I think the only universal agreement on what IS cheating, is intercourse. Oral or manual sex comes in a close second, but clearly some people don't view that as cheating (sigh). Making out with somebody, slightly below that. And so on, and so forth.
 
#60 · (Edited)
I have always been taught that sexual contact of any kind is cheating physically, in other words, a PA. I may be wrong about this, but I have always "thought" that kissing without any sexual contact is an emotional affair. It's cheating either way in my book, and is adultery.

Alexm has some valid points, too. Flirting is dangerous, and could be considered a form of cheating. Heck, I'm a natural flirt, but even though I would never take it any further than that, it can still be a source of pain for your spouse. I guess the flirting is a source of validation of being desirable for those that do it, but it can backfire. My flirting backfired on me once, and although I nipped it in the bud with no type of reciprocation, it made me feel guilty because of the unnatural thoughts that went through my head seeing as she was pretty hot. I've since backed away from that type of flirting. Besides, my wife is just as hot to me, not to mention she loves me, and I love her. I never want to hurt her in any way anymore.
 
#61 ·
This is getting way too complicated. It's simple. If you are doing ANYTHING physical that is based on the intent of being sexual with anyone BUT your spouse, you are cheating. If you go to a strip club to see boobs, that isn't cheating. It's tacky and kinda lame, but not cheating. A lap dance IS cheating. There is interaction with you and someone else all for the intent of giving you a stiffy. How is this even debatable...?

Now, are all cheats the same? No, clearly. Should your wife leave you if you went to a strip club once and got a lap dance? Maybe, maybe not. But know that you physically cheated on your wife, there is no other way around it. Emotional affairs are a little different and possibly more subjective. If you are anticipating talking to someone else because it tickles your fancy, then you are likely cheating. If you are thinking about them when you aren't talking to them, then that's an indicator too.

I just want to say, this is more about self diagnosis. If scientists could connect wires to your brain and extract this data, then, sure, it would be something other people can determine. But since you are only in your own head, and if you were to stop and think..."Am I in an emotional affair?", well, I think you can determine that by these basic standards.
 
#63 ·
My wife and I had a conversation last week about this. She asked me if flirting is cheating. I said, "No. It's inappropriate and it's being unfaithful and it could get to a level that would be very close to cheating." She said, "so you'd be ok if I flirted with some guy." "No, I said it's inappropriate. But to me cheating is a thing I would divorce over. No questions asked. If you flirted with someone once, I would be highly P!ssed, but I wouldn't divorce over it. If it was an ongoing thing or if it was overtly sexual flirting then it would be at that level of near cheating."

She still thinks flirting is cheating. I don't intend to be flirting around and the fact that she thinks it's cheating tells me she wouldn't do so it either. And that's fine by me.
 
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#65 ·
She still thinks flirting is cheating. I don't intend to be flirting around and the fact that she thinks it's cheating tells me she wouldn't do so it either. And that's fine by me.
So that raises the question - what does she consider flirting? "flirting" is pretty subjective. Some thing are obvious - like "Damn woman, you've got quite the rack!" but some things are very subtle. Where you are, how you say it, how much time you spend talking to a member of the opposite sex - what is flirting? If my H and I get together with other couples and someone tells a dirty joke, are they flirting? If they say I look nice, are they flirting? If they laugh at my joke, are they flirting?

If you're saying something suggestive to a member of the opposite sex hoping it will get you somewhere and ready to act on it if it does, then I can see your wife's point. But we have plenty of friends where one of them, usually the guy, is always "Hey Baby, you're looking great!" to every single woman. I think it's "flirting" but they've never given off any "I'd screw around on my wife" vibes. I certainly would not consider that anything close to cheating. Or even inappropriate if it's all in mixed company right in front of our spouses.
 
#68 ·
Anything sexual, including kissing, is cheating. Anyone with common sense would know that. Now, it wasn't until after I was married that the concept of online cheating was invented, so I was not familiar with the notion of "emotional affairs" until much later. I'm sure such affairs existed pre-internet and pre smart phones, but I had never heard of it.
 
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