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9 years ago

55K views 165 replies 52 participants last post by  Avgman 
#1 ·
Does anyone else have problems mainly around the time you found out about the affair? I found out 9 years ago to the date about my wife having a PA with what I thought was my best friend. I was the best man in his wedding and all that. They texted each other 1000' of times a month, had the affair, etc. I still remember all the dates that she laid out for me, even though I know it was more hook ups than she indicated....I can't stop looking through old Facebook post, imagining what she was thinking when she wrote them...one that gets me is we had a b day party for my brother, her and the bf went riding around in the golf cart, she swears nothing happened but her Facebook posts says " last night was so much fun, a bon fire never felt soooo good before" I just have to imagine something happened that night...I know, I know, let it go and stop wondering, it's been 9 years...just needed to write this out...don't know what kind of response I'm looking for, if one at all... maybe just writing it out helps me get through it...thanks....
 
#3 ·
I'm certainly not going to be the one to tell you to let it go and stop wondering. The fact that this still happens for you every year for nine years shows that you really arent over it, and I dont blame you. Personally I wouldnt still be there, but there must be a hell of a lot of something outstanding to keep you in this. I am sorry you still get hurt.
 
#4 ·
I guess initially it was I didn't want to lose to another man, maybe... stupid I know. Then it was our son, which I'm so thankful I've been able to watch him grow up, he's 16 now. And I would say I do care for her, I'm good with everything except August to October 2010...
 
#59 ·
So...now you're out of excuses for staying with her as your kid is grown and you're not 'losing' to some guy (actually, you'd be gaining). It seems you've allowed fear and inertia to rule your decision to stay with her. Sadly, it sounds as though you're just continually dining on that **** sandwich your wife and your best friend served up to you 9 years ago - to say nothing of all her other sleazy activity.

She's quite the catch, OP.

I don't get it. Don't you think you DESERVE better in life than accepting her low rent behavior and the outrageous disrespect both she AND your best friend had no problem shoving down your throat again and again and again????

Your wife is nothing more than a sleazy opportunist who monkey-branched back onto YOU when her boyfriend dumped her like the dead weight she actually is. How convenient that she suddenly realized how much you looooove her only after Romeo kicked her ass to the curb. Gosh, what were the ODDS of that coincidence????

Look OP, I get that you want to keep your head in the sand because it feels so nice and warm around your ears, but you really need to find your dignity. It's like she's literally sicked the life right out of you.
 
#5 ·
Sorry you are going thru this. Thinking about what happened with your wife's A, especially around its anniversary, is normal. But I would consider the fact that after 9 years, if the pain is still fresh, you might not have truly gotten past it. You did nothing so why should you punish yourself? Speaking as someone who is going thru what you are, you have to ask yourself if this is something that you can live with moving forward. I couldn't
 
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#6 ·
I often wonder if it's because I know deep down there is more to it...as hard as it was to hear the details I did manage to get from her I know there are more than likely more and for whatever reason 9 years later that still bothers me... would it make a difference, I don't know for sure, will she ever tell me now, no. When I did get the info from her it was they met 5 times, had sex 2 times on one of the meetings that ended in oral...the oral part bothers me...she said the second time he pulled her to the bedroom and the sex was going on she started to feel bad for what she was doing...she stopped him but felt bad for him and decided to finish him off that way....I was like gee thanks for caring... anyway, I asked her about the oral part and she then said it happened twice then when I said I thought it was once she said yeah it was just once...so you already know it's not all out there. My mind is always racing, not just this but this time of the year it consumes me...as bad as I want to ask her to explain the bon fire comment I know I will get nothing happened... maybe I'm just a nut, I do appreciate the comments.
 
#8 ·
The first thing you are going to have to realize it that she is NEVER going to tell you the truth of what happen. Trickle truth is the cheater"s gameplan. And even what she does tell you you shouldnt believe. WW will always downplay or outright lie about what happened.
Would asking about what happened at the bonfire help anything or just make the pain worse? Sometimes it is better not knowing.
I don't know your whole story so I have to ask....Did she show any remorse? Did she work hard for the R or was the A rugswept? How is the relationship now?
 
#7 · (Edited)
Sorry to be harsh but when I read posts like this I have to shake my head. You think your wife had an affair with your best friend and the best man in your wedding? My questions is why you would think making a life with a person who could do that to you isn't going to suck? Do you think that a situation like that ever gets better? Do you think if you stay with that person who betrayed you so terribly it would ever go away? Why would you think that? What in life has told you that that is the basis for a good happy life or marriage?

I mean if you choose a career where you are only going to make minimum wage do you think somehow you will on day be independently wealthy?

Again this is harsh but it's the most truth you are ever going to get on sites like this. This is who you picked to spend your life with either accept it or move on.
 
#9 ·
No I completely understand the harsh reality. I let myself get into this situation and if I where to say the hell with it we need a divorce I'd feel selfish and really screwed up that I kept her in the relationship this long... I should have manned up 9 years ago...
 
#10 ·
Yep. Being passive in any part of your life causes you to suffer just like how water always finds cracks. I suggest you start being truly honest with your wife about how you feel. Let her know you are very serious and see how she reacts. If you find out he cheated crush you ex best friend too.
 
#11 ·
Numb26. Our relationship is pretty good, I often wonder if she's doing anything she shouldn't be but don't really have any reason to believe she is...she stays on the phone a lot but she is open and always willing to let me see what she's doing on there. She's awful with money management but would give me her last dollar if I needed it. Most of our friends are jealous of our relationship, we have great jobs, don't want for anything, have fun when we are together, etc. Sex life could be a tad better, stress from work, our son being older and in the house, etc. We are only off together 1 day a week on average...after finding out she was remorseful I'd say. Initially she had planned on moving out, said she had told him she was leaving me regardless. She said she didn't realize I loved her as much as I did, I often wonder if it's because he dropped her like a bag of rocks. His wife was pregnant, actually had their first child the weekend after I brought this to light. He had asked her to move away with him, she said he told her he didn't care about the unborn child but when I confronted them he was done with her...we actually worked together too so that added extra stress....
 
#12 ·
Knowing the truth about all of it would maybe keep my mind from racing and wondering...but who knows....I really don't know, right before she confessed to the sex she said are you sure you wanna know the truth...of course I said yes, but I'm convinced it was downplayed...I know I was working one day and she got our son off with the grandparents for him to come over...he had to work that night, I was getting off early that day and she constantly kept asking what time k was leaving...never cared before, I obviously didn't have any clue...I just can't imagine as a man driving 35 mins to my house and sex wasn't the intention...of course she said they talked, made out and only laid in the bed for 30 mins or so before he left.
 
#14 ·
If the WS isnt completely open, honest, and transparent about what happened during the A, then there really isnt ever a TRUE reconciliation. Because the BS isnt fully aware of what it is that they are (supposedly) forgiving. She has done you a disservice by not being 100% honest, because now this comes up for you every year.
 
#19 ·
You act like not being over it is some kind of failing in you. A more healthy reaction would be to want to destroy them in righteous anger. Now I am not saying to do that (though if it was my "friend" I would have popped him in the mouth for sure) but besides that I would have rained fire. Did you at least tell his wife?
 
#21 ·
Yes I called his wife right after I talked to her...the night I found out he was actually at our house. The wife has always been a hug and kiss on the check to our friends. That night I noticed him looking at her behind a lot, she was heading to the gym...she leaned over to kiss him and the way she put her hand on his face I immediately knew something was off. He was texting someone all day while at the house, later found out it was her. Time she left he asked me how long did I think it would take him to get home...he left immediately and of course it was to see her at the gym...I went to look at phone records and saw they had been texting all day everyday for 3 months.... I called her and said we need to talk...of course she had deleted their conversation. I immediately called his wife, she went crazy on him...it was definitely hard because of the relationship I thought we had as friends. A few months prior he took her to an amusement park for her birthday... I told her I didn't like the idea...the next day she is ready and running out the house with him...of course she didn't call or text me the entire day and he didn't call or text his wife. I blew that off after venting on them both, didn't realize that could have been the beginning of their relationship.

My childhood was okay, dad was always and still is a prick... abusive to our mom early on and they have separated several times but remain together today.
 
#22 ·
My guess would be that that wasn't her first time or last time having an A. Based on your reaction and your lack of action after finding out about this one she probably thinks (and rightly so) that she can get away with it.
I would say that you do what is best for YOU. Leave.
You still have plenty of life to live, why would you want to spend it with someone who betrayed your trust, obviously doesn't respect you and has not given you the truth about what happened?
 
#25 ·
So the polygraph question is good...at the very beginning of our relationship she was married to a drunk. He was in jail when we met and they were in the process of divorce. About 2 years into our relationship one of her friends called and told her she needed to confess immediately, I overheard her conversation and she denied everything. She actually had sex with her ex husband one day and never told me...this was prior to is moving in together....she denied having sex with him for years and I only got it from her when I told her some of our friends at a polygraph machine and they were coming over. I told her I was going to ask her about having sex with her ex...she broke down and admitted she did ...
 
#31 ·
Who cares what she says, she is a liar and a cheat. Why would you believe her it's not like she is a paragon of virtue? People who act like your wife are not truthful, it's not a part of how they live their lives. She cheated with the best man at your wedding. Nuff said.

Here is the thing. I think you know everything we are writing particularity my harsh comments. I think at the very least subconsciously there is nothing I or anyone else can say that you don't feel in your heart. I think that is why you can seemingly have a nice time but end up unhappy. Because deep down you know her love is deficient and you have settled.

I think you mistakenly feel guilty because you are codependent. You probably always felt responsible for her but that is not the basis for a good marriage, though it is the kind of marriage that people who are married to serial cheaters get into. It's the male version of the women who tries to save the messed up guy she is with. That is what you are doing you are trying to save her. That is not what a healthy marriage is about. Besides that, you are not her father, you are her spouse, your commitment should have requirements. Fidelity should be a hard stop.

I think often times people who are not sure in themselves kind of hedge their bets. It's like they think they are not worthy of someone who is honest and true but maybe if they pick someone who is a little broken if they love them enough then that will keep them from straying or at least it will cause them to want to stay with them. Kind of like buying a refurbished product or something. But people don't work that way, unless the work at Olympic levels the do not change who they are. It's in their nature. Besides all that to change they have to have that "ah-ha" moment where they get that they are broken and really WANT to change.

I think if you really want a good life you have to start with you. Figure out why you have been willing to settle. Fix this and then the rest will work it self out. Either you being done will cause your wife to change or you will outgrow her.

One other thing do assume because she hasn't cheated in a while you are safe. Cheaters cheat, that is what they do. Just read on these boards. Your kid will grow up and leave or a parent will die and she will revert to her nature. It's a very big risk.
 
#29 ·
@Avgman you need to make a choice.

You need to actually stay and reconcile (which means letting go of your wife’s affairs), or you need to actually divorce (which means letting go of your wife). You can’t do neither, which is what you’re trying to do.

I would suggest that it might be the case that you tried to reconcile but just can’t. And all of this is you trying to get yourself to realize that you need to leave your wife - and I don’t think many people would blame you for that. You have ample reason to leave.

So call the ball here, man. But you can’t go on like this 9 years later.
 
#30 ·
I agree...it's not fair to either of us...she without a doubt thinks I'm divorcing her when our son turns 18. We actually kid around about it, we will have a minor disagreement and I'll say I can't wait till he's 18...it usually actually calms the mood down...
 
#32 ·
And to be fair...we don't fight or argue hardly ever...we haven't talked about the affair for a year, this time last year. So in all fairness I'm on here talking to you fine folks rather than her...I know what I'll get from her, kinda knew what of get here but I wanted to write it out somewhere to help get through these last couple of days...
 
#33 ·
Why would you fight or argue when you decided to be so passive about it. As long at you don't push it she isn't going to. After all she has gotten all she could possibly want. You know this too though right? I mean that is what you are doing, venting to total strangers, which is the safest way to deal with this without upsetting anything. Then you can white knuckle it for another year.
 
#34 ·
You seek, and paint the picture of victim. Why, rationalizing not arguing with her? Is a weak excuse at best. If it's sympathy you seek just say so or if its something else, please say so.

Tilted
 
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#35 ·
I can relate completely to the issue of a day, or even a time of day, being a trigger. When I read the stuff my wife wrote about her immediately-prior (and undisclosed) relationship, detailed down to the time things happened, well, I sometimes have trouble between 11:30pm and 2am sleeping. I may have trouble coming up on Nov 15th too, but we're working on normalizing things.

So yeah, my situation was NOTHING like a PA or EA, just some lies and omissions about what went on a few months before, so if that can give me issues 42 years later, I can imagine how much worse it might be for some. Hang in there. Good to see it hasn't totally wrecked things for you.
 
#36 ·
I am no longer with my STBXW and I get triggered very easily. I knew it would only get worse if I stayed which is why I left right away. It takes a stronger person then I am to stay and try to make things work.
 
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#37 ·
I know, I know, let it go and stop wondering, it's been 9 years...just needed to write this out...don't know what kind of response I'm looking for, if one at all... maybe just writing it out helps me get through it...thanks....
Dude, you are a nice guy. That is not a compliment.

Here is a check list for you:

1. Here is a pdf file of "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Read it: https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy

2. Start practicing the 180 technique religiously with her. Read it!!! Here is another link: https://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html

3. Go to a lawyer, just to find out what divorce really looks like. Don't hide it from her. Start setting a tone.

4. DNA the kids. She doesn't seem above hiding something like that from you. Even if they are your spitting image. Sets a tone.

5. Do not be afraid of being angry. You have every right in the world to.

6. Talk about a timeline of the affair to be backed up with a polygraph exam. Its cheaper than a divorce if she passes. Believe me, the threat of that will shake some apples loose. What makes you think she's been innocent the last 9 years with her actions in the past?

7. Women are drawn to Courage, Strength, & Confidence. Start working on that outlook for your own sake!
 
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