Am I avoiding the obvious? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2015, 11:41 AM
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

I am sorry to say that I don't believe the counseling will work. My wife comes from a similar family as your husband. I thought I was marrying the sane one until the event occurred. The event being the birth of twins, on top of the other two young children we already had. She totally cracked, went into depression, cut us off from everyone, went off the charts. Three years of counseling, $40,000 later, partially back, but seems bipolar although counselors say borderline. Sleeps with kids, sexless marriage, doesn't matter how much I make, what I do, she is the center of her world. Getting the strength to save yourself is what it will take. I don't believe it will get better with counseling. There is occasional relief with counseling, but she refuses to fight the pattern and invest work in change.

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post #17 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2015, 12:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

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I am sorry to say that I don't believe the counseling will work. My wife comes from a similar family as your husband. I thought I was marrying the sane one until the event occurred. The event being the birth of twins, on top of the other two young children we already had. She totally cracked, went into depression, cut us off from everyone, went off the charts. Three years of counseling, $40,000 later, partially back, but seems bipolar although counselors say borderline. Sleeps with kids, sexless marriage, doesn't matter how much I make, what I do, she is the center of her world. Getting the strength to save yourself is what it will take. I don't believe it will get better with counseling. There is occasional relief with counseling, but she refuses to fight the pattern and invest work in change.
Right. I think thats why I keep asking am I avoiding the obvious. He can make some changes but its for a small time frame until he goes back to his ways. I know I cant change him I guess I just dont want to give up on US. BUT at the same time we have children and I dont want them to grow up around us arguing all the time or in a house full of tension.

I guess I will just continue my counseling to help me handle the truth! I need to leave him.
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post #18 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2015, 09:22 PM
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

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He is not open to counseling and thinks its for "woman" and yes he also thinks that moving to FL will be the best for us all. He has all these grandiose ideas of how great it will be in FL but they just aren't realistic in my eyes.

I recently told him things need to change I am coming to a breaking point, he said I am a bad wife for already being at a breaking point this far in our marriage and I would have to kill someone in his family before he would be at his "breaking point".

He is really brain ****ing me lately and I am starting to lose my grip! I having been trying to work out the other issues in our marriage for the kids, but now with so much pressure to move I feel like I cant do it much more. IDK what to do ;/
Tell him he's welcome to move, but you and your kids will not be moving with him. And remind him that he will be paying you alimony and/or child support when he leaves.,

YOU have the power here. You just don't see it.
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post #19 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-14-2015, 11:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

Thank you everyone for the input. We had counseling this weekend and it was a joke. He went into the office putting on a big show. She asked him if he was willing to return and he declined.

I will be standing my grounds and staying in OC and preparing myself mentally for the big changes.
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post #20 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-14-2015, 02:14 PM
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

I like the idea of sending him ahead and telling him "I'll follow with the kids once you have a job, a house and your head on straight".

"But his eye, under his matted forelock, was cool and quiet, for Bagheera was his adviser in this time of trouble, and told him to go quietly, hunt slowly, and never, on any account, to lose his temper."
~Rudyard Kipling
"How Fear Came"
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post #21 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-16-2015, 03:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

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I like the idea of sending him ahead and telling him "I'll follow with the kids once you have a job, a house and your head on straight".
He wont do it! I told him go ahead before but he wants us all to go with him.
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post #22 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-16-2015, 04:20 PM
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

So what?

You're a human, you're an adult.

Do what YOU need to do for you and the kids.
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post #23 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-16-2015, 06:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

You are correct! I am standing my ground and not going anywhere It just makes for a lot of arguing cause he wont STH up!

Counseling is helping me focus on what is good for ME and the kids.

He is selling the condo soon so that's when he will really have to see that I am not changing my mind. He thinks he can convince me since in the past he always gets his way.
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post #24 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-16-2015, 11:23 PM
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

You need to see an attorney.

See where you stand. As long as you are married, he can take kids and move if he wants to. I know you think he won't because he isn't that "hands on".... but sometimes people get stupid.

My ex took my 3 year old daughter once...while we were separated. Nothing I could do about it. He brought her back the next day, he didn't really want a little kid to take care of (besides, we had 5 and he had to know it was creepy to just take one!). Later, he took the cat. LOL....brought it back two days later.

You just never know.

My point is, now is the time to figure out YOUR plan. AND your Plan B. It may make more sense to separate now and get visitation and custody on paper. Just a thought.
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post #25 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-22-2015, 07:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

HI again....I have been feeling so trapped lately. IDK what I am doing with my life. Half of me is trying/wants to be patience and work it out and the other half of me feels like I am just wasting time. nothing will change!

I have learned a lot more about what I am dealing with...Im not sure how I came across this article but this hit home for me! 19 Signs You're Married to a Narcissist- the Narcissists Wife this is my LIFE. Is there a forum in here about narcs abuse?

Im losing patience and lost!

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post #26 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-22-2015, 07:22 PM
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

Just leave him. If he wants you, he will work to earn you back. There is nothing more to discuss.
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post #27 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-22-2015, 07:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

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Just leave him. If he wants you, he will work to earn you back. There is nothing more to discuss.
I wish it was that easy, how do you leave someone that feels nothing is wrong? Plus I have 2 young children to consider.
All his verbal abuse is working...now I am starting to feel like I am just making matter worse.(Im the crasy one) My counselor told me to go back to her once I file for divorce. I guess I don't have the balls yet and hence why I feel stuck.
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post #28 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-22-2015, 07:42 PM
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

Stop being a victim and making excuses. I left my ex with two young children, he was also an abusive bully. He got orders (military) to another state and I told him I wasn't going. He called me all kinds of names and told me I was selfish.

I divorced him, best thing I ever did. You are not ready to leave because you are getting something out of this. Please don't use the kids as an excuse, it's not for them and you know it.

You need to discover what you're getting our of this dynamic.
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post #29 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-22-2015, 07:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

Im not saying the kids are my excuse, Im just saying its harder for me esp with kids. In the past I would just up and leave a relationship "my ex's" but since I'm married I feel like Im obligated to make it work. Im just low on patience. I am getting nothing from this marriage and that is why I am wanting to divorce..Like i said above I just need to get the balls and leave him. This is by far the most difficult situation I have ever been in my life.
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post #30 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-22-2015, 08:14 PM
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Re: Am I avoiding the obvious?

But you are getting something. It's not positive, but it doesn't have to be; maybe you're comfortable with the dynamic. Maybe it's the devil you know mentality, maybe you're afraid of being alone, maybe you're afraid you won't find better..... that's why I'm suggesting you need to isolate what it is.

But just know that my kids were 2 and 5 when I dumped my ex and I managed just fine. You'll be surprised at how much you can handle when the bully known as your husband is off of your shoulders.

Just serve him and tell him to go without you. But you'd better take the advice of others and file soon because as their father he could up and leave with them and there's not much you can do about it. Get some legal protections NOW.
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