You aren't ready to talk to your wife. A conversation at this point will only hurt you.
A couple quick observations:
- Getting angry only makes you look weak
- I don't care how restrained your behavior might be, when you ARE angry it's obvious to her
You have confused anger with determination or perhaps better stated: calm resolve
She can't MAKE you do anything - and yet - there you are - acting like her servant.
That said - as to the whole affection issue. She is either hard wired to dislike it - some people are that way. Or you never learned to touch her in a manner she likes. Either way, the odds of improvement in that area aren't high after all this time.
The most obvious issue you have has nothing to do with your wife. You lack self respect. Until you fix that, there is no point in a conversation with your wife. Why should she give you something you don't give yourself?
And then - you will discover that if you do learn self respect - you likely won't need to have a conversation with her as she will either step up, or step out of the marriage.
My wife and I have been married for 14 years, mostly enormously happy. We have three amazing and beautiful kids, 4,7,and 9.
What I'm interested in is something that hasn't been a new problem in our relationship, but one I feel has come to a head.
My wife has never been affectionate. Not while we were dating, not while we are married. Her monthly cycle I have come to know as three weeks of her avoiding me and one week of being nice to me. She can be downright mean to me and everybody else during that time. My best chance at affection is getting drunk with her during the "good week" and she turns into a sexual animal. Otherwise, she stares at her phone, unaware of anything going on outside of that. After we put the kids to bed, she goes to our bedroom and watches her "shows". I suggest we should watch a movie together and get turned down. I suggest we get a sitter and have a date night and get turned down. I suggest she let me go out and get dessert just for us and get turned down. We have sex on average six times a year. I am 42 and she is 41.
Tonight I invited one of my 7 year old son's friends over to play, asking his mom during a birthday party for one of my son's friends. She came to pick him up and my wife invited her in for a glass of wine. She came in, sat down, and hung out with my wife and the two of them acted like I wasn't even there.
We had groceries and dinner ordered for delivery and when it came I figured they were chatting so I would unload the groceries and put them away. There was nothing I needed in the grocery order- it was like it was only the kids and her. I was going to suggest that I just did all the groceries, maybe she could get the dinner set for the kids. Instead I got cut off while I mentioned that I just put away all the groceries and got "What do you want, a gold star?" Jokingly, but okay. Not in front of guests. She then demanded I get her and her friend more wine. When her friend left, she stared at Facebook on her phone while I was steaming mad. I set dinner up for the kids and her. She kept asking what was wrong but I didn't want to fight in front of the kids and said nothing. After dinner she went to the couch and continued to look at her phone while I cleaned the kitchen.
We put on a movie for the kids and while she looked at her phone I cleaned up their goldfish wrappers and bowls that were left over from the play date. I was so mad I went outside and smoked a cigarette while I just waited for the right time to come back inside calmly. When I walked back inside I was confronted with her putting the boys to bed and telling me "I can't put up with this" and she retired to the bedroom to watch her shows. All because one of my sons asked for a new glass of water. It was 8:00 and on the weekends we normally let them stay up until at least 9.
I kissed the kids goodnight and walked to the bedroom to find her watching her shows, either "real housewives" or "vampire diaries" or some other garbage as usual and unloaded on her why I was upset. She said nothing so I went to the porch to chill out.
To be honest I think a lot of this stems from us both being successful but last year I took a huge pay cut to work for a start up that could pay off and mean retirement for both of us. My inability to pay for more than just bills in conjunction with her enormous success and her paying for elaborate trips for the family I render makes her think she can treat me like she does. I am the least lazy husband in the world, voluntarily working on the house and taking care of the kids while she goes shopping, gets her nails or hair done, etc. on the weekends. It just exacerbates the current situation. At times she comments about how lucky she is because her friends' husbands all show little interest in their wives and don't do anything around the house or help with the kids. Those wives have also pulled me over in private to tell me they wish they had someone like me. I am good looking, funny, smart, in good shape, don't cheat, and have started to wonder if I should cheat myself to get the affection I am due. I have been offered multiple times and am getting tired of it.
I plan to have a talk with my wife tomorrow and would like to hear everyone's thoughts.