I can't seem to make a firm decision :( - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-13-2017, 08:33 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

Hi, I'm new here and so far spent the majority of my time in the group relating to sexual problems.
I'm on my second marriage of 18 years with 2 adult girls over 21 (first husband) and 4 with my current husband between 17 (daughter at home 8 weeks pregnant) and 3 others 1 other daughter 13 and 2 boys 15 and 11 ( both with ADHD).
We've had sexual (mostly a sexless marriage for the last 3 years on his part).
My husband (if that's what I can even call him) doesn't work as such he has a hobby (meteorologist) which earns little income so we have certain benefits and disability benefits (which is rather embarrassing to admit so please don't judge) and thankfully I control our income otherwise he'd buy things unnecessarily and has no real clue about the household income and expenditures.
No matter what I do, try or say nothing has improved the intimate side.
I have zero respect for him as he has always expected me and pushed me to make every decision ever made regarding everything.
Any spare cash he has is spend on tech stuff, turning our house into things a millionaire would invest in for lighting and electricals etc and spare time (which is a lot) playing on his Xbox like a child. He actually thinks the day finishes for him at 3 pm and will happily play for 6 hours leaving me to do everything else knowing I have some exhausting medical conditions. However because of him I have no option but to push myself to the point where I can no long stand.
He claims I am his everything, his world and he couldn't live without me and he loves me more that I could comprehend.
Tonight I have apparently destroyed him because the idiot wanted to spend money we don't have on a bloody fish tank. A huge one that we have no space for, bearing in mind our grand baby will be born in 6 months and we have absolutely zero space for one. So I said no and gave him the reasons..... This is just a tiny example of what I have to put up with every day!
We are currently decorating too and he is doing as little as he can get away with (he gets to share on how we decorate just in case you think I am having it all my way, I'm not).
He has again stormed downstairs to sleep on the couch in a sulk. Maybe I'll get my vibrating friend out like a few night ago. At least that gives me some relief
So for the last year I have been daydreaming of divorce. To the point that I have said to him that it goes through my mind but it's not really what I want, I just want a husband again.
I sent him a text the other night as I can write better than verbally express my feelings.
It really pissed him off, he didn't get that because I was still trying to make things better it meant I want our marriage to work (I did say that too).
I am so unbelievably confused about my feelings.
He has no family, no friends (I swear he has no one).
I thought we'd turned a corner Friday night after we spend the evening with a family I've known since I was a toddler and I thought he was enjoying himself, so attentive that when we got home things might get romantic..... WRONG!
So obviously this is on my mind too.
I don't know what to do. He is an expert on appearances to the point that even I believe he isn't the man I feel ashamed of.
I feel so much shame. Hurt and confusion.
I am too afraid of telling him I want a divorce and at the same time I can't bring myself to tell him that it's something I want.
What if I'm wrong?
What kind of damage will this do to my kids? I think a couple of the kids will never forgive me.
I've asked for counselling which he refuses. Light conversations, deep conversations.
He just will not talk to me.
Will I just have to accept that this is my life now?
I don't want to be alone and I don't want to go through the palaver of dating.
He keeps bringing up ex's too when we argue so I say if he's so jealous why isn't he taking care of me? I get no response.
Does it sound like we are done? That divorce really is possible?
I do love him but not enough to live like this. I feel like I'm going crazy!
I am so sorry for the novel, I have nowhere else to turn as I am so ashamed.

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-13-2017, 08:50 PM
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Re: I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

So how long are you going to keep kissing his rear end while he throws tantrums like a 2 year old?

I imagine he can't live without mommy...i mean you.

Woman to woman, how can you possibly get turned on and want to have sex with a tantrum throwing brat?

And how is it that your kids get to make adult decisions for you? What if they'd never forgive you if you refused to buy them drugs, or anything else they wanted? That's all it takes to allow them to make decisions for you?

Sounds like you're not ready to pull the plug and are looking for reasons to back that up.

But you know what? The only chance you might have to save things is if you dump him. While you're still there kissing 2 year olds ass why would he change anything? All he has to do is throw a tantrum and you chase him.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-13-2017, 08:54 PM
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Re: I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

PM me your address. I will send you a hacksaw in your Birthday Cake. You can then saw a few window bars out....then break out of the prison that you are in.

Don't forget a toothbrush, PJ's and a credit card. Go to a friends house. Be incognito until the divorce goes into effect.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-13-2017, 09:18 PM
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Re: I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

I get it. When things are just bad for so long it's hard to just know when to give up and walk away. You still have that wonder if you can fix it and I know going back to dating seems exhausting and people tend to stay with the devil you know vs the one you don't.

I can pretty much promise you that if you leave now, 1 year from now you will be so happy you did.
If you don't, I can promise that 1 year from now you will still be exactly where you are now.

Dating isn't nearly as bad as you think it's going to be. All your kids are older so it's easy to go out, you can dress up and feel nice and meet new people.
But even alone is better then dealing with a man child.

The kids will adjust. They may have a rough time at first but they'll fall into a routine and be ok.

And from someone with a big fish tank, they aren't for the lazy. He'd have to do weekly water changes, cleaning, cycling the tank for a month before he even gets fish. It's a hobby he'd likely get bored of quick and then you're stuck with it.
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 03:23 AM
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Re: I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

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Originally Posted by SlowlyGoingCrazy View Post
And from someone with a big fish tank, they aren't for the lazy. He'd have to do weekly water changes, cleaning, cycling the tank for a month before he even gets fish. It's a hobby he'd likely get bored of quick and then you're stuck with it.
@SlowlyGoingCrazy is absolutely right here. Maintaining a fish tank (I assume a tropical one) takes a lot of work. We used to have one.

I have my hobbies, but I try not to let them get in the way of other matters. There's a difference between having an interest to keep your mind occupied and having an obsession. This sounds very much like the latter.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 06:25 AM
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Re: I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

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Originally Posted by SlowlyGoingCrazy View Post
I get it. When things are just bad for so long it's hard to just know when to give up and walk away. You still have that wonder if you can fix it and I know going back to dating seems exhausting and people tend to stay with the devil you know vs the one you don't.

I can pretty much promise you that if you leave now, 1 year from now you will be so happy you did.
If you don't, I can promise that 1 year from now you will still be exactly where you are now.

Dating isn't nearly as bad as you think it's going to be. All your kids are older so it's easy to go out, you can dress up and feel nice and meet new people.
But even alone is better then dealing with a man child.

The kids will adjust. They may have a rough time at first but they'll fall into a routine and be ok.

And from someone with a big fish tank, they aren't for the lazy. He'd have to do weekly water changes, cleaning, cycling the tank for a month before he even gets fish. It's a hobby he'd likely get bored of quick and then you're stuck with it.
The world is a big fish tank.

SGC gets her pick of nice specimens to swim in her tank. She changes them out on occasion. Out with the old. In with the the little Sucker, out with the biting Shark !!!

Her hooks have no barbs....like mine. She does no damage to her specimens. Catch...play with, admire and release.

I am an avid fisherman. Mostly catch and release. If I catch a really good fish...It ends up on the supper table.

Just Sayin!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 06:40 AM
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Re: I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

I too have a big fish tank.....75 gallons.

It is a lot of work.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 07:54 AM
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Re: I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

But at the same time, you love the guy. You love that he's a dreamer and that he lives in a magical world of fish tanks and science experiments. He's Willy Wonky, even though the Willy part hasn't stood up recently.

If he was a 9-to-5 boring, uninspired clock-puncher who only spoke about Asstershire's chances of making the rugby championships this year, you'd feel little emotional connection to him. You haven't really imagined life without him. You'd miss him horribly. You're just really mad at him, and with good reason.

So you have to sit him down, get his full attention, and tell him exactly what the problem is. Courage.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 08:50 AM
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Re: I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

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But at the same time, you love the guy. You love that he's a dreamer and that he lives in a magical world of fish tanks and science experiments. He's Willy Wonky, even though the Willy part hasn't stood up recently.

If he was a 9-to-5 boring, uninspired clock-puncher who only spoke about Asstershire's chances of making the rugby championships this year, you'd feel little emotional connection to him. You haven't really imagined life without him. You'd miss him horribly. You're just really mad at him, and with good reason.

So you have to sit him down, get his full attention, and tell him exactly what the problem is. Courage.
Did we read the same opening post? She's in a sexless marriage with a financially irresponsible manchild who plays video games and leaves adult responsibility to her as if she's his parent. His job pays so little that the family is getting welfare benefits, yet he manages to spend money on toys and gadgets. He leaves OP to handle the house and family knowing she has medical conditions and is exhausted. He refuses counseling and refuses to address issues. He sulks. OP's lost respect for him and has been "dreaming of divorce" for over a year. I'd hardly call his behavior even remotely lovable and I think that a year spent dreaming of divorce is a bit beyond "just mad".

Not all responsible adult males are uninspired clock punchers. There are plenty charismatic, charming, interesting, active, intelligent and witty clock punchers out there.

@Emmie, you can't go on like this forever. I think you should tell him straight out that either he goes to counseling with you or you're filing for divorce and mean it.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-14-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-05-2017, 01:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

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Did we read the same opening post? She's in a sexless marriage with a financially irresponsible manchild who plays video games and leaves adult responsibility to her as if she's his parent. His job pays so little that the family is getting welfare benefits, yet he manages to spend money on toys and gadgets. He leaves OP to handle the house and family knowing she has medical conditions and is exhausted. He refuses counseling and refuses to address issues. He sulks. OP's lost respect for him and has been "dreaming of divorce" for over a year. I'd hardly call his behavior even remotely lovable and I think that a year spent dreaming of divorce is a bit beyond "just mad".

Not all responsible adult males are uninspired clock punchers. There are plenty charismatic, charming, interesting, active, intelligent and witty clock punchers out there.

@Emmie, you can't go on like this forever. I think you should tell him straight out that either he goes to counseling with you or you're filing for divorce and mean it.
I didn't mean to just disappear! I'm still doing my best to salvage my marriage but it's not going too well
Guess what.... He got the fish tank....
Anyway, my friend who lives in Wales has invited us to stay with them for the weekend in 2 weeks so I have added on an extra day so we can spend the night alone in a hotel in the bridal suite then go and stay with our friends totally child and Xbox free!
For me this is the last chance he is getting. He better fill that weekend with 100% attention towards me or it's time to be done!
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-05-2017, 08:46 AM
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Re: I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

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I didn't mean to just disappear! I'm still doing my best to salvage my marriage but it's not going too well
Guess what.... He got the fish tank....
Anyway, my friend who lives in Wales has invited us to stay with them for the weekend in 2 weeks so I have added on an extra day so we can spend the night alone in a hotel in the bridal suite then go and stay with our friends totally child and Xbox free!
For me this is the last chance he is getting. He better fill that weekend with 100% attention towards me or it's time to be done!
Jeez, you've got an irresponsible 17 year old who was foolish enough to get herself pregnant and everyone KNOWS whose going to raise that baby - as well as financially support the two of them for God knows how long. That's going to be YOU. Since you'll be stuck raising yet another baby, you might as well take on the fish tank, too.

Why on earth you think that if this 'man' pays attention to you on your get-away that it's some kind of 'sign' that your marriage is worth saving is simply beyond me. Not acting like the immature ass-clown he normally is - because he has no access to all his childish toys for 48 hours - isn't that hard, especially when he has nothing else to do.

And if he does actually act like an adult for a full 48 hours, it's hardly a testament to this supposed 'love' he keeps proclaiming to have for you. It's pretty obvious he just sees you as his mommy who provides everything for him, cooks and cleans and does his laundry, makes sure there's a roof over his pitiful head and food on the table, and wipes his ass for him. He's pathetic.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-05-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

I have to agree with @She'sStillGotIt.

So, really, all you actually want is some attention every now and then when you can arrange a weekend away?

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-05-2017, 11:16 AM
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Re: I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

What exactly do you love so much about him?
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-06-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: I can't seem to make a firm decision :(

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Jeez, you've got an irresponsible 17 year old who was foolish enough to get herself pregnant and everyone KNOWS whose going to raise that baby - as well as financially support the two of them for God knows how long. That's going to be YOU. Since you'll be stuck raising yet another baby, you might as well take on the fish tank, too.

Why on earth you think that if this 'man' pays attention to you on your get-away that it's some kind of 'sign' that your marriage is worth saving is simply beyond me. Not acting like the immature ass-clown he normally is - because he has no access to all his childish toys for 48 hours - isn't that hard, especially when he has nothing else to do.

And if he does actually act like an adult for a full 48 hours, it's hardly a testament to this supposed 'love' he keeps proclaiming to have for you. It's pretty obvious he just sees you as his mommy who provides everything for him, cooks and cleans and does his laundry, makes sure there's a roof over his pitiful head and food on the table, and wipes his ass for him. He's pathetic.
Quoting for truth! This man has no redeeming qualities. Are you aware there are grown men in the world who actually WORK and do not require babysitting?? What a waste.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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