Hi, I'm new here and so far spent the majority of my time in the group relating to sexual problems.
I'm on my second marriage of 18 years with 2 adult girls over 21 (first husband) and 4 with my current husband between 17 (daughter at home 8 weeks pregnant) and 3 others 1 other daughter 13 and 2 boys 15 and 11 ( both with ADHD).
We've had sexual (mostly a sexless marriage for the last 3 years on his part).
My husband (if that's what I can even call him) doesn't work as such he has a hobby (meteorologist) which earns little income so we have certain benefits and disability benefits (which is rather embarrassing to admit so please don't judge) and thankfully I control our income otherwise he'd buy things unnecessarily and has no real clue about the household income and expenditures.
No matter what I do, try or say nothing has improved the intimate side.
I have zero respect for him as he has always expected me and pushed me to make every decision ever made regarding everything.
Any spare cash he has is spend on tech stuff, turning our house into things a millionaire would invest in for lighting and electricals etc and spare time (which is a lot) playing on his Xbox like a child. He actually thinks the day finishes for him at 3 pm and will happily play for 6 hours leaving me to do everything else knowing I have some exhausting medical conditions. However because of him I have no option but to push myself to the point where I can no long stand.
He claims I am his everything, his world and he couldn't live without me and he loves me more that I could comprehend.
Tonight I have apparently destroyed him because the idiot wanted to spend money we don't have on a bloody fish tank. A huge one that we have no space for, bearing in mind our grand baby will be born in 6 months and we have absolutely zero space for one. So I said no and gave him the reasons..... This is just a tiny example of what I have to put up with every day!
We are currently decorating too and he is doing as little as he can get away with (he gets to share on how we decorate just in case you think I am having it all my way, I'm not).
He has again stormed downstairs to sleep on the couch in a sulk. Maybe I'll get my vibrating friend out like a few night ago. At least that gives me some relief
So for the last year I have been daydreaming of divorce. To the point that I have said to him that it goes through my mind but it's not really what I want, I just want a husband again.
I sent him a text the other night as I can write better than verbally express my feelings.
It really pissed him off, he didn't get that because I was still trying to make things better it meant I want our marriage to work (I did say that too).
I am so unbelievably confused about my feelings.
He has no family, no friends (I swear he has no one).
I thought we'd turned a corner Friday night after we spend the evening with a family I've known since I was a toddler and I thought he was enjoying himself, so attentive that when we got home things might get romantic..... WRONG!
So obviously this is on my mind too.
I don't know what to do. He is an expert on appearances to the point that even I believe he isn't the man I feel ashamed of.
I feel so much shame. Hurt and confusion.
I am too afraid of telling him I want a divorce and at the same time I can't bring myself to tell him that it's something I want.
What if I'm wrong?
What kind of damage will this do to my kids? I think a couple of the kids will never forgive me.
I've asked for counselling which he refuses. Light conversations, deep conversations.
He just will not talk to me.
Will I just have to accept that this is my life now?
I don't want to be alone and I don't want to go through the palaver of dating.
He keeps bringing up ex's too when we argue so I say if he's so jealous why isn't he taking care of me? I get no response.
Does it sound like we are done? That divorce really is possible?
I do love him but not enough to live like this. I feel like I'm going crazy!
I am so sorry for the novel, I have nowhere else to turn as I am so ashamed.