He NEVER talks.... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 10:28 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy He NEVER talks....

Hi everyone! I am new to this website and forums so I don't really know how it works but I was hoping to connect with people in similar situations, or who may have some insight.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and have been together for 5. We are in our late twenties. For the most part, we are very happy and in love. We have a great sex life and have fun together (although we pretty much only do things he likes to do). We rarely fight anymore, but this is because I've been working on my own anger issues and have decided I want to be happy no matter what.

Recently, we've had some serious issues surface. For one, he told me he doesn't want kids and I do (given the right circumstances: money, a house, stable jobs etc). I asked if he think that might change in the future and he said he doesn't really know. The other issue is he NEVER talks... he never opens up about ANYTHING personal, emotional, intimate. He'll talk about work, the gym, our dog, his day etc..but nothing else.

When we had the discussion about kids, I told him we should seek counselling because I didn't know how to go about this problem. He said he wouldn't talk (which is true) and it would be a waste. Later on I told him we were on very rocky ground, that I couldn't keep sacrificing my desires and future goals for him. I basically told him he needed to show me how he felt and he needed to make more of an effort with his actions if we were to get through this problem without him talking or going to therapy. So I said, for our anniversary and my birthday, you need to show me how you feel.

Well... suffice to say, he didn't. He didn't do anything. And it wasn't in a malicious way. I assume it was in a lazy, passive, or just plain stupid way. I was sad. And for the first time, I slept on the couch. Neither of us have ever gotten to this point. The next day he woke up like nothing happened. Went out shopping with his friends.. came home empty handed and didn't say anything??

I again asked him to open up..his thoughts on what happened. Nothing. I expressed my desires to separate and then, he cried...for the second time in our marriage I saw him cry. The first was when he had to leave the country and we thought we had to break up. And suddenly, his crying just shook me. It made me realize that he does love me in his own weird way.

I decided to sleep on the couch again because I'm so confused. I don't know if I can live my life sacrificing all of my desires, goals, and needs in a relationship for him.

Is a happy marriage enough? Is love enough?

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post #2 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 10:30 AM
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Re: He NEVER talks....

Shouldn't the child issue have been brought up before marriage?
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post #3 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 10:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He NEVER talks....

Haha, yes . It should have. But here's the problem...

Since he DOES NOT talk, and in the beginning there was a language barrier, our conversation about this was heavily one-sided. I told him about my dreams and goals, he listened. Whenever I talked about our future kids, he smiled and said nothing. We went on this way for awhile until one day he said he didn't want kids. I asked him why he had never said anything and he said he thought his silence was obvious.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I ever directly asked him. I think I just assumed he wanted them because he never said anything and that was just his personality.
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post #4 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 10:41 AM
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Re: He NEVER talks....

Yea, speaking as a dude who tends to do more listening than talking, silence doesn't mean agreement.

Also, I don't know you or your situation- so I'm not trying to attack you. However, the way you describe the situation where one person is doing all the communicating sort of reminds me of my wife. She's got a husband who's nice enough to listen to her talk all the time, but doesn't really show much of an interest as to what he's thinking about what she's saying.

So, if you're in a situation where you're talking at him and not in a real conversation, you've got to slow that up. It may have already gotten you into a situation where you just assume everything's OK but you didn't give your husband time and space to express himself.
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post #5 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 10:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He NEVER talks....

Thank you for your reply. I don't feel attacked at all . I appreciate your feedback.

The problem is, most people can't fathom what it means when I say he doesn't talk. By that I mean he really does not talk. In our conversations, I often say "How do you feel?" "What do you think about this?" "I want to hear your opinion.". I often stay silent, look at him and then avoid eye contact. I've tried everything to make him feel safe but he's got the highest walls built and I have no idea why.

When I ask him why he won't tell me anything or participate in the conversation, he says "that's how I am. you know me. I don't talk."
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post #6 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 11:04 AM
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He NEVER talks....

...

Last edited by WilliamM; 03-03-2018 at 11:40 AM.
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post #7 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 11:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He NEVER talks....

Hi William...I'm so sorry to hear! That sounds really traumatic. It pains me to hear you have a partner who doesn't talk either, but a part of me feels less alone.

Do you talk about your feelings? How do you deal with this lack of engagement? Clearly you both have been proactive in some way...my husband won't even consider therapy. The other thing that confuses me is that there are no apparent signs of trauma. It truly does seem like a personality thing because his father is the same. It's very confusing to me because it's not simply "he doesn't like to talk" it's honestly "NEVER talks" as I'm sure you understand with your wife.
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post #8 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 11:22 AM
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Re: He NEVER talks....

Yes, this may just be the way he is but can you spend the next 50 years with his type of love? And that doesn't begin to address the issue of children -- that's another story.
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post #9 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 11:22 AM
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He NEVER talks....

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Last edited by WilliamM; 03-03-2018 at 11:40 AM.
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post #10 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 11:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He NEVER talks....

OpenMinded, you ask a good question and I've asked it of myself. Part of me says I can, because I have already adapted so much to him. When he initiates sex or tries to make me laugh when I'm sad, I understand he loves me and I feel so close to him. The other part of me says I can't do it too much longer, it hurts too much..

It doesn't help that I reconnected with a high school friend who I immediately felt close to again. Within just a few hours of talking we opened up to each other about some very real **** and I felt so close to him. That only served to make things more confusing though because I realize I can't just "switch one for the other" and live happily ever after. I realize that the conversation only highlighted our marital problems and made me feel sadder about our lack of intimacy.

The kids thing...I'm still in denial. Not sure when I will finally realize that "I don't want kids" doesn't mean "I don't want them now because we're poor."

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post #11 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 11:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He NEVER talks....

William, wow...that sounds very challenging! You are a very good husband to work through that. You are very resilient. Clearly you saw something in her and the marriage to work so hard.
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post #12 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 12:15 PM
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Re: He NEVER talks....

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Last edited by WilliamM; 03-03-2018 at 11:40 AM.
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post #13 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 12:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He NEVER talks....

An interview? How smart! Haha, I wish I had thought of that. I was 23 and in love. Thought that nothing beyond our love mattered. So naive :P.

I have been to counselling before but not for this particular situation. I think maybe that is a good place to start. I seem to think my answers will just come to me but I don't think that's how it works.
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post #14 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 12:56 PM
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Re: He NEVER talks....

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Last edited by WilliamM; 03-03-2018 at 11:40 AM.
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post #15 of 49 (permalink) Old 02-26-2018, 01:01 PM
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He NEVER talks....

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Last edited by WilliamM; 03-03-2018 at 11:41 AM.
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