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16 years down the drain.....

67K views 202 replies 51 participants last post by  Bestofme 
#1 · (Edited)
Hello all
I am 35, my wife is 31..Its been a while since I last posted on the site, and boy has it been one screwed ride….So a little background, last year in August my wife had started a new job as a preschool teacher at a local school, prior to that she was a preschool teacher at and worked with only females at a private school. So after she had gotten the job at the school things began to change with her. Our marriage was not perfect… I had been having issues with a video game addiction, and also had issue with communication, due to withdrawing when issues got difficult, also affection was missing within our marriage due to the lack of communication, and the slight depression I had due to recent work-related issues. So let me begin, these past 6 months I have tried to do all I can as a husband to work on myself and this marriage… I started to get into the gym, started IC, took on the on tasks at home such as cooking and cleaning, and anything else my wife needed help with… yet my wife turned into the opposite of who I married. she started to show the signs of having an affair… staying at work late, not really talking much at home, taking away affection such as holding hands, hugs, and even sex was taken off the table, outside of the few times we fooled around. There was moments were it was like walking on egg shells, either she would snap or she would be difficult to compromise with.
We did attempt MC, but eve with that she would get overwhelmed, and after every session, she would leave to get time to herself, by parking in a parking lot without telling me where she was or when she would be coming back… so come a month in a half ago…. I go through her purse to find a note. I question her about it and she flips, get angry that I found the note, and would go through her purse. I told her just to be honest with me, but she could not. Shortly after she told she was moving out for the first time in 5 months she actually show emotion, but the nightmare would begin. the moving out process lasted 5 days, and it was pure hell, she was grabbing everything that she could, she fought over the littlest of things such as Disney movies, fighting or the tv, and all the while was unpleasant, all the while I was devasted with all of this happening. Even now she complains that I got the house which we are renting and she is living with her sister.

So at the current moment, separation hasn’t been much easier, I once told her the truth comes out…and it sure did…I had found out through a friend who sent me pictures that she met with the janitor who she worked with at a park, I also got pictures to prove it. there was no kissing hugging, or touching, but they sat on blanket and talked….i had had enough, and confronted her on it…she once again denied doing anything wrong, she said they were just friends, but I knew better to believe her, and of course she was denying doing anything wrong…..a week later met with a guy who worked with this janitor and he told me every detail of why she never wanted me at work….how her and the janitor would stay and her class room and talk, how it would happen maybe three times a week, to the point he would get behind on his janitor duties. How this person had been moved 3 other times for going after married women at other schools. I was beyond angry, and humiliated by what I was hearing, all those moment where I made dinner and she said she had work, all those moments where I tried to bring dinner to her, and she said no. Once I confronted her once again she explained she did no wrong, that they were friends. Crying about if I say anything, she could lose her job, and that is where things began to get a little worse. She had threatened me with a restraining order, she had threated my job, she threated to go after money that I had saved from finical aid before we got married.

So things get better from here…last Friday i finally met this guy at a gas station by chance… I held my self back from doing anything in the store as I stood behind the guy, he said nothing, shortly after he put gas, he parked behind my car, and rolled his window half ways and began to tell me things, of course I exchanged pleasantries with him, and he would shortly leave after words, after that incident he would then drive by on Monday and Tuesday and smile laugh, and flip me off. Of course I had spoken with law enforcement about the threat my wife has made, and about this gentlemen and his actions. And they told me I could get a restraining order, and they would call this guy to tell me to knock his crap off.

So here I am today I did everything a good husband would do to save what we had built these past 16 years. I know I cant control her actions, but after these last 6 months I was taken to a point where the person I trusted the most torn me down on a personal and emotional level. We had met last night for her to get me off her phone line, and it only began to argue in the parking lot, even after I tried to walk away, she began to threaten my job with false statements, started to tell me she was going to dump off a personal line of credit on me, began to cuss at me, as she blamed me for all the drama that had been going on. She tells me that she didn’t like that I had no life goals or motivation for life itself( I went out and go my masters) I had asked her if she has filed, and she tells me it was in the works, that we can do a quick easy divorce online??? Asked me if I had deleted the pictures with her and other person, and wanted to check my phone to make sure, once I told her no she began to cuss again saying that I’m risking her job by keeping those pictures. She has told me she wanted to be ambiclie, but with how emotionally unstable she I doubt that an be possible. My last shot to her was tell her that she lost a really good man, her response was she lost a good women, which I responded good women don’t cheat on there husband for a 38 year old part-time janitor who had a girlfriend, and you may be psycho. For a woman who fantasied about marriage all these years, you failed at marriage because you didn’t understand the work that goes into making it work.

These past 6 months I know I was being gas lighted, she never attempted to get IC, she tried to sweep everything under the rug… these past 6 months I’ve taken things for anxiety, for depression, sleeping pills for the lack of sleep of panic attacks I get when I wake up at night. I have lost 50 pounds since December going from 203 to 158. I won’t lie when I say I still love my wife, but I’ve been confused with how this once great woman turned into this selfish callous monster. I have no idea what to expect from the divorce, I do not want to file, but she has not filed either. She tells me that she doesn’t love me and doesn’t feel for me in that way anymore, yet tells me she doesn’t know if she can get back with me because according to her my actions have affected her too much. Up until last night I was all for reconciling, I would have worked with her through the affair, but even as I sit her. Her has spoken badly about me with her family since they don’t say hi anymore.

So I’m unsure as to go from here, where I use to be happy to talk to and see my wife, I try to avoid her due to the negativity she brings. Even last night I see her and I get butterflies, yet to be turned down. I don’t understand why its taken so long for her file for divorce if that is what she wanted, I don’t understand why she can’t just say yes I had an emotional affair with this janitor, or why she can take ownership that it was due to her actions that all of this occurred. Each day I am getting stronger, but I have my moments…As for divorce, I am unsure what to expect, she is acting like this at the moment, I can only imagine what she will be like during divorce. I been told that cheaters always come crawling back after realizing what they lost, and I do feel she had no clue what she had in me as a husband, all these years I did everything for her, but I cannot forget how selfish she was in the choices she made. Or for someone who loved me so much how they could do all the things they did without any remorse. I don’t think she understands the trail of devastation she has caused with her actions, or how this has affected my family who loved her like a daughter and was there for her when her parents were being abusive. so I am taking it day by day, learning how to take care of myself, but I dread what is to come, and have no clue how to prepare for it, or how to approach the coming storm.
 
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#2 ·
Sorry you’re here man. I have recently been going through an identical situation. First, let me tell you some hard truth, it’s not just emotional it’s physical. Deny it all you want, but it will cause you misery in the end. Start to accept that now. Her actions are typical of cheaters. They blame shift, gas light, and get angry to relieve their guilt. I’ve been there trust me.

Your best move is to start a 180 with no contact and start to detach now. Trust me on this. It will be hard for a while but after a week or more you will start to feel differently on your view of your cheating wife. I would keep a VAR on you too since she likes to threaten you so much.

At the end of the day, it’s your choice on what you can live with knowing. However, you should choose you own self respect over your love for your wife. Once they cheat, it only becomes easier and do you really wanna be back here again in a year or 10 years?

Good luck.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#4 ·
thanks man i appreciate the kind words, and at this point nothing she has told me i would trust, emotional or physical, she has been exposed for cheating regardless, and yes the who blame shife denial has shown it face before. just curious what is this VAR you speak of?
 
#9 ·
BOM, lot of similarities I see here between your story and mine, some differences but enough of the same and enough of the same as so many others on TAM.

As it's been said, sorry you are here. Take solace in your efforts to forgive, to try and work it out and move on. That will be important down the road, might be a while before it does though as the hurt and the state of disbelief you are in take center stage and then that will eventually fade over time.

The bad news (some may say good news, as it will be better off for you) but the bad news as of right now, what you don't want to hear is that it's over BOM, there's nothing you can do. You can decide to wait for her to divorce officially or you can stick it out until it becomes inevitable but it's over. She has left you no choice and if you are like me, the affair doesn't hurt as much as the treatment. How someone you trusted your life with, your future, who could be your ally, your life ... has now turned YOU into HER worst enemy and the roadblock to her 'happiness'. The things she can say and do and how easy it seems for her. She's done, more than done and there's nothing you can do about it. Even if she didn't give you a crumb of second guessing or 'I don't knows' it would all be delaying the inevitable of her kicking you and the previous life to the curb. Sucks but it's just where you are at in this process, where I was 7-10 months ago.

As it has been said already, very, very unlikely this was just emotional. Not important now because the endgame is the same. I would keep those pics but put them on a flash drive and toss it away somewhere as a just in case but not somewhere where you encounter every day. As you said, they will likely do you no good.

Even though it may seem like it goes against what you believe in and are going along with what she foolishly wants. You must get a consultation with a lawyer or 2 or 3, ASAP. Understand your rights, get the divorce process in motion and then give her what she 'wants'. Coming from someone that tried everything, over a long period of time and many times in that span. Once it gets to this point, it's way over. You can still walk away with this, with dignity and a clear conscience. Stop engaging with her, don't even give her insults. Just show her indifference and don't bite when she tries to get peeps out of you.

The MUSTS;
- again, talk to legal counsel, this is not to show her consequence or that you mean business, it's just a plain necessity at this point to protect your life and future
- keep working out
- keep cooking, cleaning and things that keep you busy and make you feel like you are bettering yourself and growing
- keep up with IC, that is a big MUST
- stop talking to her, seriously, if it is a required response, not many are, make it short and indifferent and to the point, not mean

You'll get through this dude, you will never understand it but this is a type of crazy that defies logic and understanding. You will most likely, like myself always wonder what we could have done to be better, we should have done this or that but when it comes down to it, unless we were completely negligent or abusive, none of it warrants the emotional abuse of an affair upon their partner. Keep posting, we will keep trying to help.
 
#11 ·
thanks foe the advice...my IC mentioned serval thigs to me that stood out.... first that im in the grieving process, and what i am griving is the woman that she use to be, not the woman that she became. 2nd the question that was asked is you are doing all you can to work on yourself, your growing stronger, but have you asked what is your wife doing to help herself? after 16 years the fact that she started something with someone else only says that she has a lot of unresolved issues, and in the long run it will come crashing down on her.

they hadrest adjustment was within our marriage, i took care of us as a family and learning how to be selfish and make things about me has been difficult at times.
as for talking to her... where i once got exicted and happuy to talk with her, what happened last night at the att store only showed me that she is very confrontational, and does what she can to push my buttons. and yes, unfortunately, im coming to the relaziation that my marriage is over, but its the divorce that i am fearing the most... considering i know that she is only going to show the worst of herself during that process.
 
#10 ·
Dude, your not at all in a bad place, her seat in the fire will be along shortly. Seriously, she went with a janitor? lol I mean c'mon, all the stories have the cute little teacher banging the principle or the sports director. NOT THE JANITOR.

Keep with your attorney. She is deceitful and violent. Never underestimate a woman's wrath. Keep a VAR handy at all times. Do not communicate to her, and be left alone with her. She will DESTROY you.

Go to a gym like others have said. It will give you that Eu-stress you need and give back a little of the ego that was taken. Keep clean and get a haircut and a shave! Nothing feels better and wipes the slate cleaner.

IC is good to process and build up a good support system. You got friends you can lean on during these times? And remember, you will be vindicated later on by living a happy existence and enjoying life with someone else who values YOU.
 
#13 ·
sad thing she told me recenlty was i lacked life goals and motivation for more in life....i went out got masters to take care of our family, while this janiot at the age of 38 has been at his job for 5 years at part time, 15 hours?? i was furious \.
as for IC been going since jan, and its been helping me work out things. support sysytem friends and family, and the hardest things is coimng home to a big lonly house.
 
#14 ·
"and the hardest things is coimng home to a big lonly house"

Coming from myself, yes, no matter how crappy of a wife she was and how much she betrayed you over the past so many months, yes, believe it or not and I can't explain it, it still sucks because like you even said, we are attached to the life that once was or at the very least what we thought it was.

But coming from someone on the outside just looking in. You are coming home to a lonely house but free of a mega-B and someone that is just going to do and say things to make your life Hell. After a while, once the divorce is final, you will start to enjoy things again. It still stings for me a little because of the grieving but mainly because I don't have my kids half the time and I was the primary parent, spent everyday of my life with the kids (aside from a few mini-vacations with EW). That part will take a lot longer to not feel sh***y about.
 
#16 ·
no kids sadly, her emy question why hasnt she filed? after all this time if she was so unhappy i figured she would have.... i askd her last night if she filed, and she tells me its in the works??? as for the divorce process how is that going to play out? i know once i file she will be served, its the asset part that im dreading, this woman fought over disney movies during her moving out....oh she left her wedding dress, can i get rid of it?
 
#21 ·
To answer your question about why she hasn't filed? Could be a variety of reasons, none of them good. With her decision making of ending up with the Janitor it's likely she really hasn't done a whole lot of research on the technicalities of it and is too lazy to do so until she has to and figures it will just fall in her lap. And for many, the only tiny shred of image that they think they can uphold, they would much rather you file for the divorce and do the 'dirty' work. It took me a long time to get over doing something she wanted me to do for her but then I realized, it's one of those things that it didn't matter if she wanted it and it needed to be done, the importance of it just needing to be done greatly outweighed the negatives of giving in.

Best way to sum it up as I started, the reasons she hasn't filed, none of them are good for you, although we certainly would like to think they don't file in these situations because they have doubts or 2nd thoughts, that would comfort us a tad and it was one of my last strands of dental floss hope but even that went up in smoke. Sooner or later, they even break that strand and get tired of waiting. Took a few months of my EW hoping I could 'just let her go' or agree to a split, to just her going on her own behind my back and looking at legal options to get the ball rolling.

So much of what we say on here could be one-sided or rhetoric but please take my word for this, as someone who is pro-reconciliation when it's possible. Reconciliation is not possible here and you need to talk to a lawyer for the consultation. Forget paying a retainer or how you can afford it, etc. Don't even think about what you are going to hear, go and hear it so you know ALL of your options.
 
#22 ·
to be honest guys, there hasnt been a day , where i don't get the answer on how a person can just present that 16 years of sacrfices, accomplishments, and just love can be thrown away just like like that. even with all that crap she has done, it would seem she doesnt care aboutthe devsiation she has caused...crazy thing 16 years i was faithful, i was a good husband....this whole process has been bring out a whole new side to me, but looking at the divorce thats on the horizion all i can do is shake my head, and wonder WTF, ask the question of how the hell can one person do all this crap, and act if life is all good.

i understand filing, but ive heard the asset part is not the best experience, and i know for sure she is going to fight. but i am tired of her think she has all this pwoer, andthat was evident when i had mentioned i had to speak to her boss to explain why i had to stop working with her school site... she freaked, and almost cried at the idea.


as for reconciliation, i had hopes for it, i was willing to work through it, but ball was in her court, and time after time her actions have shown just who she is even after 16 years.
 
#23 ·
Dude, trust me on this hard lesson i had to learn, you will never understand it. There is no rational explanation. Don’t think about all of that or the what if’s. It will drive you insane and keep you wallowing in yourself and being a doormat. Listen to what others are telling you. You were me a month ago, and i feel so much better today after taking their advice. No contact, var, file, and let your actions decide the outcome, not her.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#27 ·
1. Go to an attorney. Or visit a few and limit your WW's options later. They can't represent her if you got advise from them first....

2. Get her off of your financials. Get attorney to help you with that. Get accounts in YOUR NAME ONLY. Anything you pay for, you stop...Phone, internet, gym club membership. She is getting a free ride. You need to stop it.

3. Begin the 180. Read about it here or just google it. Either way, you need to implement this to help YOU survive this attack upon you. She is not your wife that you knew, she is the enemy. She is a cheater and she is in infidelity. You are taking steps to get out of infidelity.

4. Get all of her stuff OUT of the house. She is at her Mom's? Good, bag it up and send it there. Remember, you are not trying to punish her, you are helping yourself in a time of need.

5. Get some exercise. Burn off that stress and then get some good rest. Lay off the booze for awhile. It never helps. A clear head can make better decisions under pressure. But of course, a masters degree doesn't need that bit of advice huh....

6. No contact. Make sure you keep a recording device on you when dealing with her or the dumb gum on desk cleaner....
 
#29 ·
Get the divorce done then rat them both out to the school board. Make sure she is blacklisted as a preschool teacher. Sir, to be frank this is one great big gaslight. She got a lot of your stuff, make sure she gets nothing more. Rat her out to family and friends after the divorce is final. A client did not want to get his hands dirty on the OM, his brother and 20 of his friends “convinced” OM that it would be in his best interest to break up with the WW, and leave town. My client did not his wife back, he just wanted her to beg him, so he could say no. Did one hell of a number on her. Everything she had was taken away.
 
#30 ·
the crazy thing about this... per my boss i have to write am email to the school she works at because i had an internship program that was tied to their school. We provided college students to do an internship there. Since this went down i can no longer go to the school and have to email the principal to explain why.... my wife is freaked about it. other crazy fact is i had that principals son for one of my college classes.... she knows me and thanked me for helping her son out...guess thats what happens when you dont think of the bigger picture when make stupid choices....
 
#35 ·
I get the fact that you still love her, but I hate to tell you, your marriage is over.

If you really stop and think about it, is this the type person you want to be married to?

My suggestion is you contact a lawyer, because you’re going to need one very soon anyway, and you file first.

Also, no matter what happens, you protect those photos.

Send them to close friends, and create a secret Gmail account and send it to that account as well.

You are going through hell right now, and you have a ways to go to get out of it. You could either do it as quickly as possible, or you can take the more painful road and have it dragged out.

I think you need to file.

And if she’s playing any games whatsoever, the day you get the divorce decree, you send those photographs along with the reason for your divorce to the School‘s principal, superintendent, and HR department. Remind them that this scumbag has already been moved to three previous schools because he was having affairs with married women. Remind them that the scum bag has already violated their notating policy, and their failure to enforce their policy, may open them up to litigation.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck. Stay strong, and do what you know you must do.
 
#36 ·
so just a bit of an update....


soa little back ground...last friday me and the jaitor hada run in ata gas staion...as many of you may figured out we exhcnaged words...we were inthe store, but he didnt say a word, but once he got int ohis truck, he turned into superman with his window half way, and inside his truck....so weekend passes and we come to this week. monday and tuesday he has passed by my house and waved smiled and flipped me off past two days nothing... so this morning same thing turns around smiles, and waves....so i had alrady spoken with PD, and the consider this harassment. ...so the officer asked me for the guy number, if i dont get it from him then they will call my wife to get it...i ask her and im sure you guys/gals figured out that and well my wife gets mad at me and tells me that i do not own the street., and the itsa main streetn ad i need to stop being so egocentric, and parnoid that to think everyone passing by is looking at me..... so im debating on talking to this officer,(he knows the whole story) its one thing to pass by but its another to purposely wave and make gestures.... plus its antagonizing...so what do you all think?

no i have not texted her back nor will i, considering she called me a coward for not answering her phone calls, plus it be pointless considering she is all knowing.
 
#39 ·
Let the police take care of getting his information (they may even go to the school to get it which should raise some eyebrows) -- you want this documented that he is doing this, and the police reports become the record. SINCE this guy is known to do this, and the school board must know about this if they move him around, then this could give you grounds to go after the school board for allowing this behavior (and would ultimately get him fired). No need to deal with your STBXW -- she's not worth the effort.
 
#37 ·
Don't wait for HER to file -- you need to get with an attorney NOW to find out about the process and what to expect. Get your financials in order, get your head around NOT being with her (the 180 will help you detach), and yes, realize who she REALLY is has nothing to do with the image you have of her in your head.
Expose this to the janitor's SO (be careful about it getting back to the school if your attorney doesn't want her losing her job yet) -- you can always expose AFTER she signs the papers....
 
#41 ·
Yup, she's baiting you. Do not react! You silence is your BEST weapon. She can't get you to react and she can't understand what you are doing in the interim. F-her.
Let her and toilet bowl biscuit boy spin in circles. I also agree that you need your attorney to go to the school board and give a CaD order....Usually just having a PC letterhead given to the principle will send the appropriate message.

BTW...Can you get your hands on an Employee handbook? Rules and Regs thing.... What does IT say about fraternization policy or romance between co-workers?
 
#44 ·
officer said if she doesn't give it to me, he will call her and ask him herslef, this idiot is obviously agonizing, lus i should the officer the pictures of them at the park, people don't like cheaters.

as for texting her back hello no, yes she is trying to bait me, but i have the background with the issues that have been going on...
 
#43 ·
funny thing is yes i can... i use to work at the district level myself.... and its a very strict no dating policy, and she knows it only makes it worse that she was married, and is on probation


to make matters worse i have relations with people at district level due to what i due witha local college.... i know not cleaing toilets but hey its a job...
 
#47 ·
Look, just so we are all on agreement. I HAVE NO beef with professions of others. And the ability to keep a job. No matter what it is. Even a janitor. To be honest, one of the cafeteria workers in my daughter's school is a good friend from TaeKwonDo lessons and is freakin' hot. She is a good lady and a wonderful mother to very successful and happy children. So, I don't dare knock professions. But when the WW accused OP of not having STANDARDS AND GOALS...I just had to throw a bone at him....

I always had a way with my mouth...Sometimes it got me in trouble, other times it kept me out of trouble. Usually as a weapon, the other party just sits and cries. lol

"Stupid, bubble gum scraping, toilet licking, floor wiping, cradle robber, poser"..... Sorry, had to.
 
#48 ·
@Bestofme, I am sorry for what you are going through, I really am.

Now I want to lay some hard stuff on you, and it is for your own good.

You are being a puss about this entire situation. Further, I bet if the janitor dumped her and she came crawling back you would take her back.

You have been a DOORMAT through this entire ordeal and you are still being one. You are showing weakness at every turn.

Do you realize that women despise weakness in a man more than anything, if you had cheated but were not such a weak man, you would have a better chance of getting her back. That fact that you, even in the back of your mind, think of that makes you weak.

You work in education and you probably developed all of your beta male traits so you could get along with all the women that you work with, and basically you have been trained to be a puss.

And look I mean no disrespect, but you have to understand what is going on. Why everyone has not said this before me is astounding because it is so obvious.

So understand this, stop acting this way, learn from this experience and FILE FOR DIVORCE NOW. Get this woman out of your life, and learn how to man up a little.

She got bored with you, lost attractions and the HOT, HUNG, NEANDERTHAL GOT HER JUCIES FLOWING. You we a "NICE" husband but women get tired of nice. They take advantage of nice, and they don't respect nice, never have never will.

Now find your balls, wherever your wife put them, reattach them and file for divorce...
 
#49 ·
^^^^2x4 therapy. Don't worry, I got it too awhile back.


" I have lost 50 pounds since December going from 203 to 158." ---Good news, you got the weight thing under control. Now go lift and get some testosterone back in ya! You need to get the ball rolling and get out of infidelity. She's not your wife anymore, that one is gone. The harpy that is there now is set upon your destruction.

Get to a lawyer and get it started. They have PLENTY of experience in dealing with this kinda crap. You don't need to suffer anymore.
 
#50 ·
She is scared to death that all of this will come out and destroy her career. Wait until all of the financials are in place and engraved in stone and then take your pound of flesh. I have instructed clients at all times to get the best possible financial settlement, and then to interfere with their worlds. I had one guy who was deathly afraid that his wife would quit her job during the divorce in order to hamstring him into higher spousal support. There were not kids involved and the AP was a married man supporting his family. We waited until everything was absolutely court ordered and signed off. The one thing that was missed was the non-disclosure. A day after the decree, we gathered in my office. He wanted them paid back to the nth degree. He would not be paying spousal support, as she was a teacher, and made decent money. The AP was a vice principal, and really stood to lose. At nine AM, the call was made to the principal of the school. He was told to deal with it, or the board would be informed. At 9:30 my client's cell phone went off. It was one long scream. He heard that he had fûcked her up beyond belief. She was terminated for cause. This would follow her to every job. She could no longer work as a teacher. Then, not two minutes into the conversation, her AP was heard screaming at her. Then a slap. Apparently the AP slapped her. All that we heard on the phone was, "bastards....couldn't leave it be...what the f' am I going to do now". My client actually giggled. He told her to do what she did best, sell her ass on street corners. He said in the calmest of calm voices, totally bloodlessly, "You hurt me. I warned you never to do that. You know what I am like, now, you pay. I am overjoyed that you wasted four years getting a teaching certificate that is only good for toilet paper now. Your boyfriend is welcome too. His actions have now ended his career. He will never work in education again. Have fun on the loading dock." All he heard til we cut off the phone were frustrated screams.
 
#51 ·
So far all you've done is talk and take what she and her boyfriend have been giving you.

That is Mr Nice Guy doormatish behavior.

Until you act nothing changes. You keep spouting off about 16 years. They are a sunk cost and meaningless now.

You keep wanting her to "get it" but you are the one who doesn't "get it". This is who she is you just don't want to believe it.

The only one keeping yourself in this is you.

See an attorney
 
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