Overspender - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #31 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-24-2019, 01:39 AM
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Re: Overspender

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Originally Posted by OnFleek View Post
Thatís it exactly. I feel like Iím going nuts, like anytime I try to discuss it, it gets turned into me not being fair to him, how he works hard and deserves these things.
I wouldnít ever make a scene over treating himself to something normal like a meal out or outfit or golf game (or something financially along those lines) but we arenít Rockefellerís and a new car is kind of out of our price range. Iíve suggested selling this vehicle, getting something old til debt is down to zero (car loan only) and leasing - so not such a hit every time he wants to change.
No go because itís not instant.
When you are done reading up on narcissists, read up on "Gas lighting."

I'm starting to think you have a serious problem on your hands. Hopefully the problem is just that he is selfish and immature and will come around if he has no choice. You may have to be sincerely ready to walk though to get him to pay attention. If he is narcissist, you don't want to keep him if you can avoid it.

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post #32 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-24-2019, 12:01 PM
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Re: Overspender

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I have only thrown own the D word once and that was when he became verbally abusive in the marriage when he was battling with the bottle.
I know before I would say it, I would mean it. I donít take those ultimatums lightly. It wouldnít be said as a means to control him, it would be an honest conversation about what I am willing to accept.
Exactly. When you try to manipulate someone that way they see through it and it really damages the marriage to have your spouse casually toss around the D word. However, when you realize: I WILL NOT continue to live like this, because it's just a fact, sometimes real changes do occur. I've seen people on here say "You must be willing to lose your marriage if you want to save it." Unfortunately, by the time a woman gets to that point it's often too late and she can't get her love back even if the guy DOES change.


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The entitlement is real. I was off sick this week and he was on holidays. I did everything. Meals, laundry, house cleaning, caring for the kids. I am battling pneumonia and have zero energy yet he sits in his recliner and watches the same TV show at 3 different times.
If he doesn't wake up, I have a feeling that "D" word is going to be coming from you and it won't be an attempt at manipulation. Do you know if he's drinking again? (Sorry if I missed that in the thread.)

You might look into the information on Marriagebuilders.com, they have a really good program for helping marriages. If you could get him to do it with you. (Which doesn't sound too likely) I started following it with my EX and it really was helping our marriage. Unfortunately, I decided to divorce regardless to protect myself from him bankrupting us further. A really good book to read from the marriagebuilders.com people is "Love Busters" it's about the things people do instinctively that kill love. We ALL do them, but your H seems extra good at some of them.
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post #33 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-24-2019, 12:13 PM
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Re: Overspender

Yeah....trying to get the code to your account is telling. That shows he has no limits in his quest for cash.

Why didn't he just ask you for it? Or ask if he could have a couple hundred for now?

I again want to relate to when me and the XW were near the end. She had a dozen CCs, I did the

finances and juggled them (with her money). When DDay came, I stopped doing her finances.

One by one they started calling the house. One by one I gave them her cell #.

She tried to pull all the $ out of our account, I'd already closed it. She tried to clean out my

account at another bank but since it required both signatures for withdrawal, she was SoL.

Then I received a hate filled message about me stealing her CC info. All I had was the email and

password. She already was getting NSF charges right and left but exclaimed she wanted to pay

her CC bills LOL..... I found it funny though anytime she thought she might have $7.21 available

credit on a card, she sure as crap knew how to call their 800 number. I didn't respond to her tirade.

It would not have mattered what I would have said, she was devolving and I knew it.

Reason I say this is..... this may very well be happening to you in the near future.

Sitting him down and having a very frank discussion about finance is a must. You or he may think it

is rocking the boat. But if something isn't addressed, the boat will be sinking before you know

it and it usually spirals out of control thereafter....

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #34 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 01:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Overspender

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I forgot about this part. That is downright scary.

How is your marriage aside from his one-man spending spree? Do you have children together? Do you work a full time job on TOP of your part time business?
I work full time plus my side job. My side job basically makes $125 an hour clear but I only have time for maybe 3-4 hours a week. And that is the demand as well. I couldn’t work full time at it if I wanted to.
We have 2 kids together. The marriage is hit and miss. He is faithful. He quit drinking. He can be verbally abusive and controlling. He also can be the biggest supporter in my corner.
While I feel protected, it seems like it’s more for show so all friends will say, ‘is she ever lucky, boy does he stick up for her.’
I have a life threatening medical condition that I manage on my own. His contribution is ‘they need to figure this out!!!’ This makes me feel like he is hoping this stops affecting him and him needing to make allowances to accommodate me vs him being concerned that this is serious.
It’s not an issue when he gets me to mow the lawn but it’s an issue if I want a meal with friends if that makes sense.
It’s like a control tactic. If I want an outing with friends (no drinking, no dancing nothing), it’s thrown in my face that I need to take care of me but if it’s mowing lawn, there is no issue that this is too much for me.

Last edited by OnFleek; 07-26-2019 at 01:49 AM.
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post #35 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 01:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Overspender

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I strongly you to encourage you to start reading up on NARCISSISTS on the internet. They are selfish, controlling, and their lives are ruled by appearances.

They are also nearly impossible to have a good relationship with because deep down they love only themselves and they can't be genuine.

The traits I bolded scream narcissist to me. However there are some other traits they also usually have that you didn't mention (yet). But please read up on the topic and see what you think.
Holy crap I answered you before reading this and there are even more flags!!
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post #36 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 01:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Overspender

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Yeah....trying to get the code to your account is telling. That shows he has no limits in his quest for cash.

Why didn't he just ask you for it? Or ask if he could have a couple hundred for now?

I again want to relate to when me and the XW were near the end. She had a dozen CCs, I did the

finances and juggled them (with her money). When DDay came, I stopped doing her finances.

One by one they started calling the house. One by one I gave them her cell #.

She tried to pull all the $ out of our account, I'd already closed it. She tried to clean out my

account at another bank but since it required both signatures for withdrawal, she was SoL.

Then I received a hate filled message about me stealing her CC info. All I had was the email and

password. She already was getting NSF charges right and left but exclaimed she wanted to pay

her CC bills LOL..... I found it funny though anytime she thought she might have $7.21 available

credit on a card, she sure as crap knew how to call their 800 number. I didn't respond to her tirade.

It would not have mattered what I would have said, she was devolving and I knew it.

Reason I say this is..... this may very well be happening to you in the near future.

Sitting him down and having a very frank discussion about finance is a must. You or he may think it

is rocking the boat. But if something isn't addressed, the boat will be sinking before you know

it and it usually spirals out of control thereafter....
Thank you for sharing your history and I think you may be correct.
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post #37 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 01:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Overspender

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Exactly. When you try to manipulate someone that way they see through it and it really damages the marriage to have your spouse casually toss around the D word. However, when you realize: I WILL NOT continue to live like this, because it's just a fact, sometimes real changes do occur. I've seen people on here say "You must be willing to lose your marriage if you want to save it." Unfortunately, by the time a woman gets to that point it's often too late and she can't get her love back even if the guy DOES change.




If he doesn't wake up, I have a feeling that "D" word is going to be coming from you and it won't be an attempt at manipulation. Do you know if he's drinking again? (Sorry if I missed that in the thread.)

You might look into the information on Marriagebuilders.com, they have a really good program for helping marriages. If you could get him to do it with you. (Which doesn't sound too likely) I started following it with my EX and it really was helping our marriage. Unfortunately, I decided to divorce regardless to protect myself from him bankrupting us further. A really good book to read from the marriagebuilders.com people is "Love Busters" it's about the things people do instinctively that kill love. We ALL do them, but your H seems extra good at some of them.
He for sure isnít drinking again. As much as he tried to reign me in his needs are different than mine.
I need my friends (like a respectable outing 6-7 times a year) but he doesnít. He acts superior like all he needs is his family. I told him our kids are soon entering the age where friends are high on list and we need friends and hobbies so we arenít lost.
I have invited him out to outings and he always backs down. A weekend away for dance competition a few hours away, a comedy night with friends..... he always ditches me.
I swear most people probably think Iím a single mom because he backs out of all kid activities.
Yet brainwashes them. Dad is good, dad loves us, dad is best dad ever. They repeat like robots. I donít really bring it up, but his loud voice and high standards cause a lot of tears. They are too young to understand and I donít want them confused or in the middle so I donít challenge their practiced commentary.
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post #38 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 03:14 AM
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Re: Overspender

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Holy crap I answered you before reading this and there are even more flags!!
I'm sorry to hear that but he sure sounds like a narcissist. In more things you said too like how he is in your corner but it almost feels like a performance for friends.

Or how he'll let you mow the lawn but going out with friends is "too much" for his fragile flower.

One other thing to consider -- you already have a life threatening illness. STRESS KILLS. LITERALLY. Are you constantly feeling stressed because of his spending and treatment of you? Don't let him shorten your life because you don't want to rock the boat.

I just went to look up some YouTube videos on "can a narcissist really love you" and stumbled on this one. I believe my ex was a narcissist and half way through this I felt I might vomit because it rang so true. The twisted thing is I still don't think HE had any idea he was off and he thought he was a genuinely good guy:

This guy was interesting too -- I only watched the first half because he discusses 2 types of narcissist love and my ex was definitely type 1 (type 2 is very "drama" oriented)
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post #39 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 08:41 AM
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Re: Overspender

A narcissist will swear they love you and it's possible they might even believe that but the truth is they only really love themselves. Life is all about them. Everyone else is there because of their benefit to them. I spent decades with a narcissist and it's not a life I recommend.

Your husband is unlikely to change because he doesn't see himself as the problem. Can you spend the rest of your life this way?
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post #40 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 12:27 PM
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Re: Overspender

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A narcissist will swear they love you and it's possible they might even believe that but the truth is they only really love themselves. Life is all about them. Everyone else is there because of their benefit to them. I spent decades with a narcissist and it's not a life I recommend.

Your husband is unlikely to change because he doesn't see himself as the problem. Can you spend the rest of your life this way?
Exactly, that was what tripped me up the most -- my ex did not know he was the problem, and in his mind he WAS a good guy who loved me. But even before I knew what narcissism was, I remember saying "You don't love ME. You love that I am here. You love that I make money. You love that I am good to you. You love what I do for you. But you don't love ME."

Still the fact that he was so sincerely a good person in his own mind made it much harder for me to break away because he would be so HURT and WOUNDED and BETRAYED.

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post #41 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 01:36 PM
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Re: Overspender

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Exactly, that was what tripped me up the most -- my ex did not know he was the problem, and in his mind he WAS a good guy who loved me. But even before I knew what narcissism was, I remember saying "You don't love ME. You love that I am here. You love that I make money. You love that I am good to you. You love what I do for you. But you don't love ME."

Still the fact that he was so sincerely a good person in his own mind made it much harder for me to break away because he would be so HURT and WOUNDED and BETRAYED.
I totally agree.

They love what you can do for them. My ex-husband (a cheater) fought the divorce because he didn't want to lose me -- he claimed he loved me so much -- but the truth was he really wanted to continue all the benefits of having me in his life. They never get it.
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post #42 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-27-2019, 02:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Overspender

I do not feel loved by him. I donít feel cared for by him.
I think my role is to take care of the kids, bring in the money, take care of the house, take care of him.
I also think that he feels he is a great person and treats me like a queen.
I think he feels like he is a great dad. Iíve become
somewhat numb to him because as everyone shares their wisdom, more flags are flying.
If I am not working, I am with the kids or home. I have 6-7 nights out with my married friends. We go to a crafts night or for a meal. We are always home by 10pm. I was at a crafts night recently. When we got together, we hadnít seen each other in months. I had my phone in my purse and didnít check it for about an hour after I got there.
Well when I opened it, he asked some dumb question like why I didnít bring my crafting supplies (it was supplied), then went on and on that I had better not be cheating on him.
I was at my friends - 15 blocks away, parked in front of her house. And I get accused backhandedly of cheating.
I will watch these videos. I have a feeling they will make me feel sick.
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post #43 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-27-2019, 04:40 AM
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Re: Overspender

My wife and I are totally different in our approach to money, and the only way we can coexist is to clearly agree who is responsible for what bills and have our own accounts. I am a saver, she is not. So I understand how you feel.

Having said that.....

Money is for spending. There is nothing immoral about wanting good things if you can pay for them. Itís not how you are, and itís not how I am, but itís not wrong. It would be more wrong if we went to our grave with a huge pile of unused cash.

In your shoes I would draw firm lines and stick to them. And his attempt to access your accounts would be a huge deal to me, but if he wants a new car and he works and earns the money, thatís his right. I donít see why you should get veto over his spending of his money.
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post #44 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-27-2019, 06:06 PM
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Re: Overspender

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I do not feel loved by him. I donít feel cared for by him.
I think my role is to take care of the kids, bring in the money, take care of the house, take care of him.
I also think that he feels he is a great person and treats me like a queen.
I think he feels like he is a great dad. Iíve become
somewhat numb to him because as everyone shares their wisdom, more flags are flying.
If I am not working, I am with the kids or home. I have 6-7 nights out with my married friends. We go to a crafts night or for a meal. We are always home by 10pm. I was at a crafts night recently. When we got together, we hadnít seen each other in months. I had my phone in my purse and didnít check it for about an hour after I got there.
Well when I opened it, he asked some dumb question like why I didnít bring my crafting supplies (it was supplied), then went on and on that I had better not be cheating on him.
I was at my friends - 15 blocks away, parked in front of her house. And I get accused backhandedly of cheating.
I will watch these videos. I have a feeling they will make me feel sick.
I would confront these relationship issues, but be wary of conflating them with the finances. When youíre having hard times it can be easy to overly focus on the negatives.
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post #45 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-29-2019, 04:45 PM
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Re: Overspender

And realize.....if you are doing 80% of the work at home and he 20%, of course he enjoys that. Tell him you

are not okay with that. Tell him how you want him to help you out. If these issues have not been

addressed they can not be known issues yet. If you have told him before and it fell on deaf ears, make

sure this time it is paramount to listen and discuss. It's like the employee at X and O Sales....

He's been there a good while but doesn't cover his job duties. Management has talked to him

numerous times. It's at the point, you improve your job performance or you're gone.

If not....he will do just as he has knowing he can get by with it because the company will not fire him.

Bu also be aware....he may bring up things that he has held in. Listen before reacting.

Had my XW agreed to MC the night of D-Day, I'm sure we both would have brought up things

the other was not aware of. That happens when both parties begin to shut down.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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