Leaving after years as a housewife?? - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 08:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Leaving after years as a housewife??

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A strange thought, and perhaps an experiment you're not comfortable engaging in, but is it possible that a steady & frequent, almost exhausting stream of sex might make porn seem irrelevant?


In the past this is what Iíve done and itís lead to rejection and disappointment. I do not think he would reject me at this point but Iím not sure I want to go there.


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post #92 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 08:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Leaving after years as a housewife??

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He thinks you two are compatible because you tolerate him having a sex life and you not. He probably suspects that he would have a hard time finding another partner so accommodating and sacrificial.



Does he think it is fair that he has a sex life and you don't? Do you think it is fair? Is this loving and kind?



Words are cheap.



I actually asked him that and he said he never really thought of it like that.

I certainly donít think itís fair. I find it sad.


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post #93 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 09:05 AM
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Re: Leaving after years as a housewife??

This all sounds really positive to me!!! I have alot of hope for him/you guys now!

It does sound like all this time he's been lying to himself about how his porn use is truly affecting you - I think he really does care about you and your feelings, he's just been pretending to himself that he's not hurting you....now you're right, time will tell HOW MUCH he cares, now that you've made it clear that you are unhappy, and he needs to respond to that. I think you handled yourself amazingly, from the way you described things - like I said, I really admire your bravery and directness (I struggle with that!) It's the best way to handle this kind of stuff, and the only way to really solve it. Definitely work on your mindset about him acting out of obligation -- that shouldn't be a dirty-word, we ALL do things for people we love out of obligation, and sometimes it's the only way to get motivated at first. Try to see it as a sign of how much he loves and cares for you!

I think the idea of a different pastor is a GREAT one - good luck with that! Also, really consider finding some books for couples with issues similar to yours, I have found a ton of help from books when I couldn't get to a counselor! And there are SO MANY online resources as well, it just takes a little digging.

Also, please feel free to PM me anytime if you want to vent!! <3 If not, just post here - there's SO MUCH support here!
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post #94 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 09:17 AM
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Re: Leaving after years as a housewife??

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Also he tried at first to say it was me as well that doesnít initiate sex, I told him EXACTLY when I stopped and wondered how often he thought I should ask when thereís always an excuse?? I told him at this moment in time Iím not comfortable taking the lead on that.

Like I said at this point Iím not sure if heís telling me what I want to hear or not but his facial expressions seemed sincere when I used words like incompatible and uncomfortable.

So it leaves me in a strange place. I am also going to need to put in some effort but it seems like everything coming from him will be like heís filling an obligation. Iíll need to work on changing my mindset on that end.


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I very much like how you handled this. I especially like everything in this post...with the exception of the last paragraph.

That last paragraph is exactly where you need to address your side of the street.

What you are effectively doing is assigning intentions to his actions, when frankly you have no idea what his intentions are.

This is what I meant by forming your thoughts to shape and reinforce your narrative.

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post #95 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 09:17 AM
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Re: Leaving after years as a housewife??

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In the past this is what Iíve done and itís lead to rejection and disappointment. I do not think he would reject me at this point but Iím not sure I want to go there.

Yikes - I wouldn't either....you are unhappy because you feel unloved and unwanted, the only way out of that is for him to prove to you that you ARE desired by him, by HIM pursuing YOU.


Did you ever answer your oldest about your bad mood...?
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post #96 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 09:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Leaving after years as a housewife??

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Yikes - I wouldn't either....you are unhappy because you feel unloved and unwanted, the only way out of that is for him to prove to you that you ARE desired by him, by HIM pursuing YOU.





Did you ever answer your oldest about your bad mood...?



I just told him last night that I havenít felt well all week. This also made me realize we have a huge lack of boundaries in our home.

I love that we all spend a lot of time together and no one is just stuffed up in their bedrooms, everyone is always in the main area. But last night trying to have a conversation was like pulling teeth. I sent my oldest and middle to the store for some things we needed and the youngest had to stay home cause sheís got stitches in her foot, otherwise I would have just sent them out for ice cream.

Anyway... it was clear that we were in conversation but itís like none of them had sense to go away until I told them stuff like ďwhy donít you go get changed, and then finally he just told them can you guys just give us a few minutesĒ??

I know a HUGE issue I need to work on is making time for just him and I. He used to work second shift not all that long ago so I suppose things need to change just a little bit. Maybe an hour after he gets home in the evenings after the kids talk to him we might need 20 minutes of time to talk uninterrupted.

I canít remember who but somewhere someone in this thread told me my kids need to help more, I didnít touch that comment but I thought about it over and over again. First thinking nah they are only kids but then it hit me.. YES THEY DO!! I finally realized there are no trophies being handed out for the work I do around here, maybe, just maybe it doesnít have to be perfect. It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday when I was making my sons beds (16&11) while they sat in the same room and played video games


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post #97 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 10:03 AM
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I can’t remember who but somewhere someone in this thread told me my kids need to help more, I didn’t touch that comment but I thought about it over and over again. First thinking nah they are only kids but then it hit me.. YES THEY DO!! I finally realized there are no trophies being handed out for the work I do around here, maybe, just maybe it doesn’t have to be perfect. It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday when I was making my sons beds (16&11) while they sat in the same room and played video games


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Not only for you, but themselves and their future spouses. Your role is to prepare them for the future not make their lives easy. I'm a little OCD so I have to cringe a little when my kid does chores, but the prize at the end is bigger.

Looking back, I wish my parents had given me more responsibility and life skills that I had to learn along the way.
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post #98 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 10:22 AM
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Re: Leaving after years as a housewife??

Good for you for following through with the discussion on a very difficult subject.

Maybe part of the reason he likes having you not work full-time is that you are financially dependent on him and therefore less likely to leave. In any event, he needs to quit bringing that subject up when you're having a disagreement.

What you know is that he doesn't want a divorce and to have his life disrupted in all the ways that divorce generally brings. The question is whether he will be able to control his addiction so that divorce isn't a possibility. Talk is always the easiest part of the process.
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post #99 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 10:38 AM
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Re: Leaving after years as a housewife??

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Not only for you, but themselves and their future spouses. Your role is to prepare them for the future not make their lives easy. I'm a little OCD so I have to cringe a little when my kid does chores, but the prize at the end is bigger.

Looking back, I wish my parents had given me more responsibility and life skills that I had to learn along the way.



This is so important now that most women are in the work force. When I married in 1970, my 21 year old husband had never made his bed or learned any other basic skill necessary to taking care of himself. His mother justified her existence by doing everything for her husband and 4 sons. Let me tell you - it took a toll on all of the daughters-in-law who all (but one) worked full-time jobs.

My husband didn't want a chore list - he wanted to be asked to do something every time it needed to be done. Finally, I told him he was not a guest in our home and as an actual resident he had responsibilities.

So, yes, it is the parents' responsibility to send their children out into the world capable of taking care of not only themselves, but others as well. Because spouses get sick and need to be cared for, too.

I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.
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post #100 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 10:55 AM
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Re: Leaving after years as a housewife??

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Our talk went well-ish..

The last part was me asking him again if he was resentful of me staying home and if I should think about getting a full time job when the kids go back to school. He said again he likes me being at home and laid it on thick with how the place would crumble to the ground without me.. so I told him that Iím always wondering about working FT and that stuff since when we fight he always makes comments about him being the provider. He said it was the only thing that ever comes to his mind when he doesnít have anything to say negatively towards me.
I'm glad things went well-ish. About the part I underlined - is it possible he doesn't want you to work full time because he likes that you are dependent on him? If you need him you won't leave him, regardless of how he handles his porn issue?

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post #101 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 11:45 AM
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Re: Leaving after years as a housewife??

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It has been an issue for our entire marriage, though he had me fooled that it was a non issue and completely normal. I have tried to accept it. I have tried to keep up but none of my efforts have been good enough. He lies about watching it, he lies about being done with it. He does tell other little white lies but I honestly just don't trust much of what he says. I am not naive here but on an actual affair my best guess would be no, he goes to and from work each day, he is always home on time/gets there on time. Doesn't go out with friends or anything (for no other reason than he does work very long hours and has a really bad commute so there is really no time)

My staying home has always been a joint decision, I had offered many times over the years to get a full time job or work alternating shifts from him but it was always said that I am needed more here than I am bringing home a paycheck. I have no idea what I would ever do for full time work. I am not a dumb person by any means but I have been home since I was around 21.

I do think we should do marriage counseling but every time I have brought it up in the past to get out of it he will improve certain behaviors until I let it go. I take care of everything to do with the kids, the house, the upkeep of the yard, cooking, cleaning etc.. and I have always done this so happily because I deeply appreciate my life and the ability to be at home. I feel like he has crossed too many lines this time, we don't have sex anymore but every few months, it isn't because of rejection either. He has gained a considerable amount of weight and that never even bothered me but what is too much for me is the porn that I most recently found on a kindle in the bathroom closet.. and what he seems to be doing. He is into bondage and seems to be doing this stuff on his own. I had tried in the past to give him what he wants as far as that stuff but it always left me feeling uncomfortable and my efforts were never enough anyway.
Schedule a counseling session then inform him about it. Find a good Christian counselor, someone not affiliated with your church. My wife and I did on issues we were having.

If he refuses still then I would suggest catching up on your education. Then find a full time job. Do this part on your own with no input from your husband.

If he asks questions then let him know you have tried to talk with him for years and you are done talking.
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post #102 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 12:09 PM
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Re: Leaving after years as a housewife??

I am glad you were able to have what seems like a productive conversation.

I would suggest to you that you get a full time job now, regardless of what he is telling you. It not only gives you some security, but will likely give you a boost of self confidence, as well as make him take notice that you are not dependent upon him so he'd best straighten his crap out.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #103 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 01:55 PM
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Re: Leaving after years as a housewife??

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...
I know a HUGE issue I need to work on is making time for just him and I. He used to work second shift not all that long ago so I suppose things need to change just a little bit. Maybe an hour after he gets home in the evenings after the kids talk to him we might need 20 minutes of time to talk uninterrupted.
Let's walk this one back a bit. Is there a correlation between his seeking pleasure through porn and odd work hours or simply less quality time spent together? I'm thinking it will be much easier to fix his porn issue if the quality time issue is either addressed simultaneously or even first.

I understand that it could be really frustrating trying to spend more quality time with someone you don't want to spend time with (at the moment). But I think that's the first commitment the two of you have to make to each other, and do it. Otherwise, the porn issue might clear up temporarily, but it will keep coming back at you.
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post #104 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 03:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Leaving after years as a housewife??

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I'm glad things went well-ish. About the part I underlined - is it possible he doesn't want you to work full time because he likes that you are dependent on him? If you need him you won't leave him, regardless of how he handles his porn issue?



That is possible but I think it has more to do with the fact that one of the kids would still need after school care if I was working full time but possibly after school care would actually be needed for 2 kids.. our middle son has lots of energy and really needs the supervision. School vacations and summer would also be an issue. Our oldest is capable of watching them but he just got a job and a car so he wonít be available much after school to help.

I also think my health concerns him, even when he is a complete jerk is always worried I over do it and also worries about long term possible side effects from medications I take. He spends a lot of time reading about it. Sometimes I have days/ weeks where I can do projects like paint every bedroom in the house and move furniture and then sometimes I need a nap after I go grocery shopping.


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post #105 of 130 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 03:44 PM
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Re: Leaving after years as a housewife??

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Anyway... it was clear that we were in conversation but itís like none of them had sense to go away until I told them stuff like ďwhy donít you go get changed, and then finally he just told them can you guys just give us a few minutesĒ??

I know a HUGE issue I need to work on is making time for just him and I. He used to work second shift not all that long ago so I suppose things need to change just a little bit. Maybe an hour after he gets home in the evenings after the kids talk to him we might need 20 minutes of time to talk uninterrupted.
My children are grown now, but our household has always been like this where we spend a lot of time together. My husband and I used to either go to the garage or the laundry room to talk. If one of the kids came in, we would tell them that we were having a private conversation, so leave us alone until we come out. Kids cannot read your mind. They learn boundaries by boundaries being taught and modeled. It's not rude to tell them to leave you alone for a bit.

My daughter has a three year old and she tells her that she needs to spend alone time in her room, so they can both have some alone time. My granddaughter now will tell her mother, "I need some alone time, Mom," and my daughter honors that. Most people need some alone time now and then.


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