Just about had enough - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #31 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-25-2019, 11:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just about had enough

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Originally Posted by ABHale View Post
Are the kids in any danger from your wife?



That would be my main concern, not if she is abusing you.



Them seeing your wife go through this is not healthy for them either.


It's unpredictable, to be honest. Right now, probably not, but if she starts having active delusions again like she did at the beginning of October, absolutely.

I left out some relevant context of that day. She had run out of her school after having a delusion about a note a parent sent. She interpreted a malicious context where there was none, and then started thinking someone was hurting our kids. She told another teacher she was leaving because someone was hurting our kids, called 911 from a school phone, and ran out the door. She was thankfully intercepted by two counselors at the school or I'm certain she would have wrecked the car on the way to her first destination - our daughter's school!

Her co-workers drove her to our daughter's school (they really should have waited for 911 response at their school!) and my wife was about to get out and run into the school. However, she was so out of it by this time, chanting names head in hands, that they wouldn't let her go in. Thank God! Honestly, she could have ended up in prison, the school could have gone on lockdown, and our daughter and her class could have been put in real danger if she'd made it into the school.

They then took her home, which is where I started the story at the beginning of this thread.


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post #32 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-25-2019, 11:41 PM
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Re: Just about had enough

It is time to have her admitted, for her own sake. And that of her family.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #33 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 01:02 AM
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I’m sorry you and your fam are going through this. Please call an attorney tomorrow like you said you would. Don’t wait until something worse happens.
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post #34 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 03:52 AM
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Re: Just about had enough

sounds like she has bipolar type 1...

type 1 is the kind that comes with psychotic breaks from reality. my wife has bipolar type 1. there have been times, before proper medications, that she has accused me of doing all kinds of things before we even met. as an example, she once accused me of calling her stupid in front of everyone she knows, back in august of 2005. we didnt meet until 2008...

none of this will get better unless your wife gets on the right kind of meds. if she has bipolar disorder type 1, i dont doubt at all that she has practically zero faith in drugs. my wife hated taking medications because they never helped. but, she was being treated with medications that made it worse, for almost a decade. before she was properly diagnosed, she was being treated for depression. the antidepressants were like pouring gasoline on a fire... they made it much worse.

my wife, @Akinaura, also spends money pretty quickly without realizing it. there have been times when she spent tens of thousands of dollars in just a few months without really having anything to show for it. i think the biggest difference between her and your wife, today, is that akinaura is far more self aware. im not entirely sure what changed her mind about seeking treatment, but i believe part of it was me telling her that it would be easier for me to take care of her if we were divorced. that way, she can only spend what the state requires me to send her.

it can be hard, dealing with mental illness... i feel for you.

and no. just because my wife sought treatment does not mean you should stay with someone who refuses to do the same. just saying...

"I am the wiser in respect to all knowledges, and the better qualified for all fortunes, for knowing that there is a minnow in the brook." -Henry David Thoreau
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post #35 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 04:01 AM
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Re: Just about had enough

just wanted to add...

when i asked my wife to comment on this thread earlier, she gave it a quick read and stated "he needs to be carrying around a VAR constantly."

i have hundreds of hours of recordings of akinaura. mainly because i never knew if she she would just snap one day and turn on me. she was all over the damned place for years, so... yeah, i carried a VAR everywhere. i think the last time i felt the need to record her was mid 2016. so, her current treatment plan and medications have kept her stable for longer than any other period during our 11 year marriage. it is working, it just took ****ing forever to figure out.

"I am the wiser in respect to all knowledges, and the better qualified for all fortunes, for knowing that there is a minnow in the brook." -Henry David Thoreau
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post #36 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 04:34 AM
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Re: Just about had enough

I have been paged, and I'm here.

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 disorder. What your wife has, with the paranoid episodes, is mostly like Type 1, which really shows with the paranoid episodes.

Up until March of 2017, I had absolutely NO faith in medications. All they did was make me feel absolutely weird and too happy for my liking. After a week or so, I'd go manic. A prime example was the time they gave me Prozac. I actually sleepwalked for the first time ever in my life. It was horrible. At the time I was in a PHP (partial hospitalization program), and that one clue helped them realize I needed a mood stabilizer plus an antidepressant specifically designed for bipolar disorder.

Once I got on the correct meds, life literally shifted for me. Gone were all the crazy thoughts and the odd mental noise in my head, instead I could think clearly for the first time in over a decade.

My advice to you? Get a freaking VAR. You can download one to your phone that you activate when she's "going off the rails." Next, sit down with a lawyer and do what you can to protect the kids. Tell her you will work with her, listen to her, but she has to go to therapy. If she chooses not to, PROTECT THOSE CHILDREN!!! Next, take those recordings, and have her butt Baker Acted...otherwise known as an involuntary hold. Go with her, support her, show those recordings to the psych evaluator, then partner with the medical professionals. Let them know she is paranoid. She could do serious harm to herself or the children and needs the help.

Anyways, this is my two cents...if you need more specific help, PM and I'll walk you through a lot of the steps.
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post #37 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 07:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just about had enough

Thank you both so much for your perspectives! I'm glad to know someone else can understand exactly where I'm coming from. I'm sorry you've gone through what you have but glad you seem to have come out the other side with your marriage and friendship intact.

The biggest problem in communicating on the issue with her is that when she is manic she is so obstinate and aggressive when confronted. She will not listen to reason or common sense, especially from me or her dad - in her eyes were are trying to control her. Instead she will start attacking me for being overweight, start saying she had done everything I've asked her to do with going to doctors and getting on medicine and nothing is good enough. And she won't let anyone else speak. She will scream "I'M TALKING!!!"

If her mom confronts her, she will become sarcastic and dismissive but it doesn't need to be as aggressive to stop the line of questioning.

I have tried telling her if the police had actually believed her, her dad and I would be in jail and the kids would have been removed from the home - that fell on deaf ears. She says she doesn't even remember saying that we were abusing the kids.

I have tried calling her doctor, only for them to call HER phone back and have her blow up at me and threaten to call a lawyer and remove me from the HIPPA form. I haven't tried calling the doctor since.

I have a voice recording shortcut on my phone so I can record those conversations but it can be so unpredictable when they're going to happen that I have yet to capture one. I think I need a separate VAR of some sort.

Bottom line, we need her doctor to give a diagnosis. I think I majorly screwed up by not insisting that I go with her to her NP-psychiatry after her hospitalization. She came home saying she had a plan with him to DECREASE the amount of medicine she is taking. In certain she told him I'd made up the whole thing and she didn't need to have been in the hospital.

I feel like I'm going in circles.


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post #38 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 07:29 AM
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Re: Just about had enough

get a VAR. record the crazy.

"I am the wiser in respect to all knowledges, and the better qualified for all fortunes, for knowing that there is a minnow in the brook." -Henry David Thoreau
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post #39 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just about had enough

And this morning I'm being gaslighted. Our marriage counseling appointment has been scheduled for a month for this evening. I have told her this over and over, and she even arranged a babysitter.

Following her outburst on Sunday night she scheduled dinner with a friend for 7PM tonight - smack in the middle of the appointment. I reminded her of this and she got aggressive, raising her voice and saying until I "change my little behaviors" she's not going to marriage counseling.

This is so freaking frustrating.

And of course I didn't get it recorded.
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post #40 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 09:37 AM
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Re: Just about had enough

Sir, document, document and document. Record conversations and video if necessary. Present those to your physician and attorney. She is a danger to both herself and you/your children. If she is delusional she should be nowhere near a school. She needs a 48hour psych hold. She needs evaluation and probable forcible medication. You will likely need to have POA, so that you can make rational decisions with respect to her care. It sounds like an amalgam of problems. Good Luck.


Say what you think and do what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.-Dr. Seuss

Last edited by Taxman; 11-26-2019 at 03:47 PM.
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post #41 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 12:05 PM
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Re: Just about had enough

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Originally Posted by father_of_2 View Post
And this morning I'm being gaslighted. Our marriage counseling appointment has been scheduled for a month for this evening. I have told her this over and over, and she even arranged a babysitter.

Following her outburst on Sunday night she scheduled dinner with a friend for 7PM tonight - smack in the middle of the appointment. I reminded her of this and she got aggressive, raising her voice and saying until I "change my little behaviors" she's not going to marriage counseling.

This is so freaking frustrating.

And of course I didn't get it recorded.
Listen, I have lived through some of this. So understand, as upset as you are, you have to get your head together.

Do you understand? Just like the texting and the tire blow out, if you act improperly or do something stupid, THAT is your fault.

Now, to this post you wrote. Everyone can see how irrational and unstable she is. YOU CANNOT FIX THIS, and you cannot even help if she will not let you.

DOCUMENT, on paper and through recording the audio at least and FILE FOR DIVORCE.

You really do not need to go to MC, you need to go to a lawyers office and file for divorce.

Like I said, I have been through this stuff, you can waste your life, trying to get her to get help, or you can leave the marriage.

Because I have never in my years seen anyone fix another person...
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post #42 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 02:22 PM
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Re: Just about had enough

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Tease...
I have very specific and perhaps unhelpful advice about dealing with mental illness in relationships.

It is essentially: they get it under control or you leave. Or: you get it under control (if you're the one with the illness) or you leave.

The only path to staying with someone that can't or won't manage their illness, is you will eventually lose touch with reality yourself, get traumatized, and not be able to help yourself or anybody. It's quite literally a 'put your own oxygen mask on first' kind of situation.
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post #43 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 02:52 PM
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Re: Just about had enough

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The only path to staying with someone that can't or won't manage their illness, is you will eventually lose touch with reality yourself, get traumatized, and not be able to help yourself or anybody. It's quite literally a 'put your own oxygen mask on first' kind of situation.
I like the way that you put this., And, it is completely true.

With my ex, She make me think that I was crazy, and I did too. I started wondering if I was really crazy or had some type of disorder that I did not know about.

But, my rational mind, would always pull me back and say, look you are not crazy.

When she finally got sober for the moment, the told me that she had been abusing her meds for close to 20 years. She as an expert at it, and for whatever reason, I could not really prove or understand what was going on. Until then...

So she was a bi polar, hidden drug addict, the whole time. I was never going to get her to straighten up and get help.

It took 2 years for me to wrap my head around what I had just been through. I think I had mild PTSD.

Once I dealt with the mind ****, I filed for divorce...
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post #44 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 03:00 PM
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Re: Just about had enough

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I like the way that you put this., And, it is completely true.

With my ex, She make me think that I was crazy, and I did too. I started wondering if I was really crazy or had some type of disorder that I did not know about.

But, my rational mind, would always pull me back and say, look you are not crazy.

When she finally got sober for the moment, the told me that she had been abusing her meds for close to 20 years. She as an expert at it, and for whatever reason, I could not really prove or understand what was going on. Until then...

So she was a bi polar, hidden drug addict, the whole time. I was never going to get her to straighten up and get help.

It took 2 years for me to wrap my head around what I had just been through. I think I had mild PTSD.

Once I dealt with the mind ****, I filed for divorce...
My ex had me 100% convinced I was going insane. She had a psych degree, and loved to 'diagnose' me. And would pick stuff out that would back up her 'diagnosis.' She spent months at this. And I trusted her - and there's some mental illness in my family - so I believed her. She had me convinced I was depressed, self-destructive, and had something called 'passive dependent syndrome:' https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/...ity-disorder#1

I actually had to go to two therapists for a long time after we separated for them to convince me I didn't have something wrong with me. Even though in every other measure except my wife's opinion I had no symptomatic or problematic behaviors. I not only kept the job I had, I got several promotions. And then a new job. I not only kept practicing and teaching martial arts, I got promoted. I not only kept my friends I had while married, I got more of them. I bought a new car. I built a new condo. Etc.

My only real problem it seems, was believing my ex wife.

Turns out...

Schizophrenia runs in her immediate family, and kicks in at almost the exact time when we ran into problems, and with similar outcomes with women in her family.

I'm not saying she has it - I honestly don't know - but I do wonder.
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post #45 of 265 (permalink) Old 11-27-2019, 03:29 AM
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Re: Just about had enough

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Originally Posted by Marduk View Post
I have very specific and perhaps unhelpful advice about dealing with mental illness in relationships.

It is essentially: they get it under control or you leave. Or: you get it under control (if you're the one with the illness) or you leave.

The only path to staying with someone that can't or won't manage their illness, is you will eventually lose touch with reality yourself, get traumatized, and not be able to help yourself or anybody. It's quite literally a 'put your own oxygen mask on first' kind of situation.

I agree with this... I've been there, although in a far less sever situation, and I'm still there... it's untenable.
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