Gaming has ruined our marriage
Hi everyone, sorry for the long post but here goesÖ
My husband and I met 5 years ago when I was a J1 student from the UK. I was working for the summer and we hit it off right away. I returned home and we continued our relationship online. We planned a visit for me to come out here, he proposed, I moved out to Michigan a few months later and we got married. For anyone who is aware of the US visa system, I waited around 9 months from my arrival to receive my GC and be able to work. So, for those 9 months, I sat home every day, cooked dinner, cleaned house and waited for him to come home from work. During this time, he played a lot of video games. He is obsessed with gaming and that is the reason for my post.
He wakes up, and he is watching gamers on his phone, talking with them and playing on the console. He comes home from work and the same thing. I didnít complain at first because I honestly didnít mind, but as time went on, I saw it as an issue. I began working and would come home after a 12-hour shift, shower and ask him to come lay in bed with me. He would set a timer on his phone and tell me that I had 30 minutes until he goes back to his game. Sure enough, timer would go off and he would get out of bed and go game. I then implemented the rule of no gaming until 10pm unless I had already gone to bed. He seemed fine with that, but he was always on it during the day when we were both off and he couldnít understand why I was getting upset. If I asked to watch movies, he never wanted to, so he would put on the same show on repeat and just sit playing on his phone or watching YouTube videos of gamers.
I would try to talk to him to make conversation, but he would be that engrossed in his phone that he wouldnít hear me. When I say something about it, it turns in to an argument because ďitís not his faultĒ and Iím always left feeling bad because I must be the bad person.
When we bought our new house, he asked if he could begin streaming his games. By doing so, he would have to put over $1,000 into a new gaming system with computers and what not. I politely asked him to hold off because we have updates to do. I came home from work a few weeks later and he had an entire set up in the living room. Not so much a mention of it to me. He just did it. I am a rational person, and I know the difference between want and need. I donít demand his money for myself, I have a higher income than him. I donít tell him he canít buy things for himself, we each have our own money, but I am aware of the want and need and I put other things before my own wants. He does not understand this.
For 3 years, I have cried, shouted and begged this man to understand why I feel the way I do yet he doesnít understand it. He says it is his hobby, but in reality, it is an addiction. He doesnít want to walk the dogs because he streams his games. We canít go out on date nights past 9pm because he is on a schedule for his games. He wonít watch movies with me because he must play his games in an hour. Whenever we have these arguments, he will get better for a couple of days but then it's always on repeat.
I have fallen out of love with this man and it hurts. I am lost. I am 1 month away from being able to apply for citizenship which was ultimately the end goal for us. I have no ties to the UK anymore and I have built a wonderful life here in the US. I did not marry him for the sole intention of citizenship, I genuinely did love him. I have lasted this long because I have a constant battle in my head saying I should stay with him and be grateful for what we have. But I would much rather have nothing and be happy, than force a marriage and remain unhappy and resentful in 20 years. I am 27, he is 29. I long to have children but I cannot have them with him. I used to babysit my friendís child and I would have my husband watch him while I showered. I would come back to the baby just laying on the couch while my husband played his games. He is not a father and he is not mature enough to understand why he isnít the correct husband for me.
I want to walk away but I donít know how to. I told him 4 months ago that I was ready to walk away, and there was no fight in him. He just told me that he would help me do what I needed to do. He acts like he doesn't care and it hurts. I want to love him, and I want to have a successful marriage, but too much has happened in 3 years and I can't go back no matter how many times we try. Iím embarrassed about wanting to divorce, that was never something I ever wanted in my life, but I know I canít continue like this. If anyone has any advice for similar situations, I would greatly appreciate it!