Update To My Other Post - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-26-2020, 11:21 PM Thread Starter
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Update To My Other Post

***You need to click my username to read my other post and what brought me to today.

I met the woman in person in September, and with a lot of lies to my wife, we had an incredible 5 days together. (Yes I cheated.)

We've since grown closer and closer while she is back in her city and I am in mine. Now, she is ready to pack up and move here for a trial to see If I can leave my wife. She wants to get an apartment and work. I'm very torn and conflicted if I should do this, I know in my heart she is the one I've always wanted. Her complaints about her ex-husband are the same I have with my wife. We think alike, we click, everything's there. Everything I never had with my wife but always wanted.

So now I've been contemplating my whole life, can I really leave my home? split custody of my two kids? lawyer up? Fight her for half my equity in the house? My complaints about my wife are partially her fault, partially just how she is. And I'm sure not perfect. This is just the most difficult decision I've ever had to make. She is ready to start securing an apartment here and rent a moving truck to drive 1900 miles, to just live, work, wait and hope that I leave
her. If that happens, I start living a double life until I decide. I've told her that I'm 50/50 no guarantees that I'm going to leave and she's still willing to take that risk but growing impatient and very sad as I struggle with indecision.

A couple things:

1. No I'm not just going to leave my wife first, I want to secretly give this a chance before I make huge life altering decisions.

2. Anyone calling me names, and talking about karma, morals etc. I understand and already know this is wrong. I know I'm a cake eating, cheating dog so there's no need to say that over and over and over. I agree with you! I am all that so why waste your time telling me that? I know it's no excuse but the past issues I've tried to talk to my wife about, she either doesn't care, or is too lazy to make the effort. Also It's just how she is. I really realize that her and I both married the wrong person.

Thank You.


Last edited by martino; 01-26-2020 at 11:54 PM. Reason: Better word choice
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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 12:01 AM
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Re: Update To My Other Post

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Originally Posted by martino View Post
I'm sure not perfect. This is just the most difficult decision I've ever had to make. She is ready to start securing an apartment here and rent a moving truck to drive 1900 miles, to just live, work, wait and hope that I leave
her. If that happens, I start living a double life until I decide. I've told her that I'm 50/50 no guarantees that I'm going to leave and she's still willing to take that risk but growing impatient and very sad as I struggle with indecision.

A couple things:

1. No I'm not just going to leave my wife first, I want to secretly give this a chance before I make huge life altering decisions.

2. Anyone calling me names, and talking about karma, morals etc. I understand and already know this is wrong. I know I'm a cake eating, cheating dog so there's no need to say that over and over and over. I agree with you! I am all that so why waste your time telling me that? I know it's no excuse but the past issues I've tried to talk to my wife about, she either doesn't care, or is too lazy to make the effort. Also It's just how she is. I really realize that her and I both married the wrong person.

Thank You.
If you actually believe what you wrote, that she doesn't care, or is too lazy to make the effort, then you should have no problem telling her the truth about your current situation... because she won't care. And if she does care, she should be told.

There is no defensible case for dishonesty. You're looking to gain the advantage, plain & simple, by keeping your secret. You get to play both hands. Get this out of the forum and off your chest. Man up. Stop looking for validation of your plan on the 'net, because you'll find validation for ANYTHING on the 'net. It proves nothing.
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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 01:27 AM
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Re: Update To My Other Post

Sorry Martino, but you are living in a fantasy world probably precipitated by the Oxytocin rush of sneaking around on your wife. Any woman who is prepared to up sticks and go live with a man she barely knows and hasn't even committed to her is soft in the head or stupid and dangerous in my opinion. You may well be jumping from the boiling pot into the fire. Incidentally, women who need to steal other women's husbands and cannot get one of their own sound desperate and she does sound desperate.

You are in the usual cheaters affair fog, this will not end well.
If you have problems with your wife, what are they? Why are you not trying to work on these? Does your wife know, have you ever talked to her about your so called problems? Are you part of the problem. You sound like a man without any discipline and follows your **** rather than a man who is sensible. A decent man doesn't decide to dump his wife and family over a bit of skirt that he doesn't know and I haven't even mentioned the damage to the kids.

If as you say, your wife is too lazy or doesn't care about you, why would you hedge your bets and stay with her? If you go off with the OW then why would she care, no loss to her. Just tell her the truth and go, at least do something honest for once. I am sure when she knows what you are planning she probably wont want you anyhow, what woman would after discovering your 5 day fest, she might just make the decision for you, try it and let the chips fall where they may.

If you don't have the cajones to make the decision, tell your wife about the OW, she will most definitely make the decision for you.


On a final note,:Remember far away fields are not always green, many on here can attest to that. But it is your choice.

The life you have, is the life you create
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 02:30 AM
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Re: Update To My Other Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by martino View Post
***You need to click my username to read my other post and what brought me to today.
2. Anyone calling me names, and talking about karma, morals etc. I understand and already know this is wrong. I know I'm a cake eating, cheating dog so there's no need to say that over and over and over. I agree with you! I am all that so why waste your time telling me that? I know it's no excuse but the past issues I've tried to talk to my wife about, she either doesn't care, or is too lazy to make the effort. Also It's just how she is. I really realize that her and I both married the wrong person.
OK, so if you already know this, I'm not sure what you are asking for on this forum?

If you look at other people's posts, you will find that there is near-universal condemnation in this forum of the kind of actions you have done and are planning. So, are you thinking that you'll get advice and pointers on how to proceed with an action that the forum users here are completely against?

I dunno. It seems like a bank robber logging onto an FBI agents' forum and asking the best way to threaten the bank manager to open the vault ("I know I'm a scum of the earth robber/kliller. I get it. However, should I kidnap his kids and bring them to the bank to threaten their lives in person, or should I have a confederate do it by phone link?"), or the best way to leave no witnesses ("should I just line up all the witnesses and spray them together with an automatic weapon, or should I take them into another room one at a time and dispatch them silently so the others don't realize they're going to die and try to make a break for it?"). I'm really not sure you are going to get the responses you want.
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 06:42 AM
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Re: Update To My Other Post

"Update:

I've decided that if and when I meet the OW there will be NO SEX until a decision has been made on my end. She readily agreed and I told her: "Don't think you'll catch me in a moment of weakness, I want a clear conscience" she replied: "I want you to have one too." The plan has changed to her moving here and us starting as friends only."


What happened to your resolve? And, what is it you're looking for on this forum?

I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 08:54 AM
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Re: Update To My Other Post

You got advice on your other thread regarding your situation. Not sure what youíre asking here?
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 10:44 AM
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Re: Update To My Other Post

I too am surprised you are back asking for advice.

You have now invested more months emotionally with your AP, and finally met up and committed adultery.

So what is your plan when she moves by you? Will you continue to have sex with your wife once a week, while banging your mistress? How does she feel about the fact that you are still having sex with your wife? Are you concerned that she is willing to BE this person she is being (sneaky other woman)? Will you truly ever be able to trust her as a spouse?

As with everyone else, it’s clear to me you hate your marriage. Why are you unwilling to just get a divorce now? It’s going to happen either way. I don’t think you get that. You think you can take this other lady for a trial run while keeping your loyal family in tact. This is going to end so epically bad.

Ciao,

Spicy

Last edited by Spicy; 01-27-2020 at 11:41 AM.
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 10:58 AM
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I'm not sure what you expect people to tell you.

That it's okay to branch swing?

That's it's okay to cheat on a spouse of 22 years?

That's it's okay to leave 9 year old child with special needs for some strange *****?

Sorry buddy but none of that is okay and I don't think you'll find one person here who will advocate for what you are planning.

You wishing for someone to tell you everything will turn out great and you will live happily ever after with your ***** is like wishing unicorns exist.
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 11:02 AM
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Re: Update To My Other Post

This is what is going to happen:

- Your OW will move to be near you and you two will keep sneaking around, but it will be harder now because the danger that she will pop up unexpectedly or that the two of you will be seen by your friends/family is much greater.

- Just her presence will make you feel much more pressured.

- You will get busted.

- The bubble will burst.

- Suddenly your BW won't be so bad.

- The prospect of losing your kids, money, friends, family will hit you like a 2x4 between the eyes.

- You will want the OW to disappear like a bad dream.

- You will realize that you ruined your family by cheating and lying.

- Everyone is hurting because of you.

- No amount of brain bleach will stop you from realizing, day after day, that you are a liar.

- You will want to rewind and stop yourself from making all these bad choices.

- Sorry, that's not how it works. Bad choices have serious consequences if society is doing its job.

You still have time to show some honor. That's the only way to save yourself. Unless you start doing the honorable thing, you are consigned to a lifetime of your brain reminding you that you are a POS.
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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 11:08 AM
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Re: Update To My Other Post

Whenever I read one of these, I look for something unique that would separate one cheater from the bunch. Unfortunately, the OP is a stock cheater, justifying their actions and setting the stage for a destruction of worlds that cheating brings. If there were one thing I could say to the OP it would be to just STOP. 22 years? A 9 year old? My words of wisdom? STOP. END OF DISCUSSION. This is the guaranteed road to ruin. OP if you are convinced that you married the wrong person, maybe you need to pull your head out and get yourself and your wife into counselling. There is no justification to blow up two or more innocent lives because you did not make the effort. Right now the OW is all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. From where I sit, I see a couple of dirty toilets that will take years to clean. Before you run off with "the one", I suggest that you look deep inside, fix whatever is broken and reassess. I know dozens of people in your situation. Would it surprise you to know that those that come together as a consequence of an affair, rarely last.


Say what you think and do what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.-Dr. Seuss
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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 11:12 AM
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Re: Update To My Other Post

No judgement here, I'm not going to the good place either, though for different reasons. At least the music in hell will be better. Its very freeing to not worry about sin.

Practicality is an issue though. Living a double life is going to be very difficult. You are likely to get caught, and that may look much worse for you in the inevitable divorce proceedings. I don't see how this can end better for you than your just asking for a 50/50 split divorce, and its possible that if you long term affair is discovered it will end much worse.

It seems that you have spent enough time with this other woman to decide that you want her. Until you are exclusively with this new woman though, you can't know the full reality. At the moment she is the fantasy you can go to when things get bad with the realities at home. Until she becomes the reality, you can't know what life with her will really be like.

So, get a lawyer and a divorce - for your personal sake.
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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 11:18 AM
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You are in a world of trouble. Two women on the hook at the same time is going to blow up on you. No woman moves that far for a chance, she digging her claws in you.

Sounds like the logical and also the moral choice is to tell your wife and either she doesn't care as you said. Or she makes the choice easy and files for divorce. Or she does the pick me dance and you have all the power.

Seems like either way it favors you...you get a clear conscience and it's no longer cheating. The only downside is you may lose your family, half your wealth and likely your paramour will end up being a pain in your ass too. It's going to blow up, might as well get it over with.
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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 06:10 PM
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Re: Update To My Other Post

Have some integrity, man. If you want to be with someone else, be with someone else, but let your wife go live her best life without you. Divorce before you cheat again.


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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-27-2020, 06:46 PM
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Re: Update To My Other Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by martino View Post
So now I've been contemplating my whole life, can I really leave my home? split custody of my two kids? lawyer up? Fight her for half my equity in the house?

1. No I'm not just going to leave my wife first, I want to secretly give this a chance before I make huge life altering decisions.

2. Anyone calling me names, and talking about karma, morals etc. I understand and already know this is wrong. I know I'm a cake eating, cheating dog so there's no need to say that over and over and over. I agree with you! I am all that so why waste your time telling me that?
So are you seeking advice, validation, or do you just need to vent? What has me scratching my head is, why are you doing something you admit is wrong? Wouldn't it be better to do what you consider right? Okay, you know you are a dirty rotten cheat. Why would you want to be that type of person? Wouldn't it just be easier to take the higher road.

Sorry, but frankly I'm confused.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-28-2020, 06:37 AM
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Re: Update To My Other Post

No matter what you choose to do, please keep us posted here online. Your story may end up being of some use to some other geezer about to make a **** choice too.

The life you have, is the life you create
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