Lost and confused, 5 years in the trash?
There is a lot of history between us so ill do by best to shorten it.
We’ve been together 5 1/2 years, we have a 4 year old. When we started of dating it was wonderful, but i got pregnant only after 3 months.
I never had doubts until the pregnancy hormones or whatever made me start looking deeper into things and overthinking select words. His attitude towards me changed, he worked a 2nd job even before the baby was born.
So i felt alone towards the end of it. The day after i gave birth by c section i cried on the floor in the hospital for almost an hour until he realized i was gone.
He refused to help me change the baby bc he was tired but as a new mom i had never changed a diaper i put it on wrong and it was just a mess. I couldnt get down breastfeeding so that made me feel worse.
Typical post partum blues you know? But it didnt end there, between the lack of sleep as new parents and feeling embarrassed over my new body appearance things just never went back to the same(thats our first argument). So when she turned about 6 months i decided to look through his phone for some reason.
He would pull it away if i tried to look at texts. So few days later i did as any woman would; dig deeper. The internet is a powerful thing i found an app where it shows you all deleted messages calls, photos.
Close to everything you could think of. That moment i found out he cheated on me 2/4/15 he claims he never did but the messages said differently just not explicitly. “Last night was wonderful i miss you” whatever.
So keep reading and on and off over the timeframe of the pregnancy they still text like where are you, ill be there soon, im on my way. And one day when i was pregnant i remember listening to one of his voicemails and texting the person.
She says she misses him shes worried about him, how he wasnt answering his texts for a while. He told me she was a crazy ex from long ago.
So i texted her and told her who i was and that i am pregnant with his child so she needs to move on blah blah.
In the message recovery app i saw where he said dont listen to that text that was my cousin trying to be mess with me, ill call you in few. I moved out for 2 weeks and he begged and apologized and i never forgot about it, i moved back in with him. but it took me a long time to be able to look at him in the eyes again.
Everytime he’d take too long to answer a text, call, come home, in the shower, cooking, just about anything; thats where my first thoughts would go.
I never trusted him after that. Id be ok for months at a time even, but there were days id would hit me again and id just break down. So 2 years of minor arguments about that. Until i decided to get a job and go back to school.
The tables turned to him feeling alone, unwanted all these things. And now i never complained when he worked 6 days a week from 5am-3pm came home slept then 6pm-11pm and back to sleep for almost a year even throughout my pregnancy.
But i work 4 days 2pm-1am and its a problem. I go to school in the morning 3 days the days i work while he himself is also at work. He feels insecure that the only reason i went back was to be able to leave him and meet someone else who makes more money.
Idk just jealous all of a sudden bc i was my own person now, not just a stay at home mom who would never leave the house to do anything besides doctors appointments and groceries. He took up smoking weed about a year ago and started ruining his credit score.
We have lived upstairs in my parents house for almost 3 years now. We only agreed to move in here bc we were supposed to save money on rent and get a house together.
That was my plan and i have money saved since the day i got the job. He on the otherhand started spending more and getting credits cards maxing them out, buying a car he cannot afford.
So i think this is what started to get me to realize this may not be what i want anymore. I would have days where i think about if we even make it another year or 2 here if i finish school.
He refuses to cook at home bc we share the kitchen and doesn’t want to feel compelled to cook for anyone else, he hates staying home but never wants to do anything with me outside of the house, like walks, restaurants, mall, whatever.
We are fortunate to have my family as caregivers to our daughter while we work. But it became one sided with him, when hes at work he will stay out late to hang with friends while my mothers at home watching the baby, but if we’re both off and i offer to send her downstairs for an hour to play with my mother so we can talk, or cuddle or anything he becomes so annoyed and lashes out bc he doesnt want them to feel like they’re doing us any favors while we’re both here.
So our sex live depleted when she became about 3 bc she started school and is almost fully aware and talking about everything she sees. So we have sex maybe once every 3 weeks now.
Before i started school it was about once or even twice a week. Before the baby it was 2 times a day at least.
Anyway i begged him to stop smoking bc im bettering myself and worried about our future and hes sitting there getting high everyday instead of doing anything to benefit us. He swore never to smoke weed again.
He stops for about a month at a time until i search his car, and i do it daily bc i dont trust him. And i always find something. I am very serious about the weed thing and have gone days on end arguing with him about how i will leave if it doesnt stop.
He ends up crying and i feel bad and tells me how horrible he feels when he relapses. I made it to about 9 days once without looking and of course the day i did i found it.
So i feel betrayed, i sleep in my bed with someone who will lie in my face and smile with no hesitation, he hides things from me. Not like the cheating thing again, but like when he found out his job was shutting down within 2 months i didnt find out will a week later from my mom and that he went to an interview somewhere else that morning.
His excuse was that i couldnt do anything about it so why tell me. He doesnt tell me where he goes or what he does until after. And i pointed that out and it got better.
Its not about asking for permission, just being honest about what hes doing you know ? So we have been fine for 4 weeks now almost not a single argument everything was going fine, and then i decided to search the car 2 days in a row.
First day nothing. Second day a weed accessory to i guess crush it or something. So i waited till he woke up and said goodbye to tell him that when he has time he can tell me where that came from and explain with a good reason why i should believe him.
He made up a story that it was a gift of a friend and i asked what did you think i would say if i found it. He goes i dont care its not like im using it its new i just want to have it in my car bc it looks nice. I asked him to throw it away. He said no.
So i told him do not talk to me until you apologize to me and get rid of it. We didnt talk since saturday 4pmish that happened through text. So sunday i am off he went to work without saying a word to me. He gets out of work at 5 usually. Its 6:45 and hes still not home.
So he left his apple watch home with his texts. I decide to read them and turns out he got out at 4 he left early, he came home showered changed and left before i could notice. It mustve been when i fell asleep for a while around 6 waiting for him.
So i call and he says hes on his way to the mall. The mall closes at 7 right. So i tell him that and he tells me it doesnt and that hes not going to sit here and bs with me. And he shuts his phone off.
Fast forward a bottle of wine and 6 hours later i have sent just about a million messages and thoughts have ran wild. He turns the phone on at 12:40 and finally answered.
The conversation went like this (me) “where have you been its almost 1am and the mall closes at 7” (him) “i never said i was going to a mall i went out with my friends to have a few drinks instead of fighting with you” (me) “you told me at 6:50 you were going to the mall and shut your phone off so i couldnt see your location, i dont beileve you and also dont bother coming back i dont want to be with you anymore” and i hung up.
He texts me saying im overreacting asking if im serious that he didnt do anything. And i dont believe him bc i even called the friend he says he was going to the mall with he answers and doesnt speak and in the background all you here is “oh shes great” then hangs up very suspicious there.
He later admits after me telling him how much i cant stand him and that hes lost any love i had for him, and that hes horrible and just a million insults.
Next morning He admits to smoking weed that night and that he did nothing wrong besides go out to drink and hang out. Im not ok with that bc if it was that simple it wouldve been communicated before hand not after.
I have no way to prove what did or did not happen, i have never even met these friends he has known over 2 years now. Its just me and my thoughts. I already dont trust him so nothinv made me think he was behind honest.
I continued all of monday telling him how much i dont like him and he ruined my life, and that he will never amount to anything bc he has no goals, and that he should be ashamed of himself.
That he doesnt deserve me and now i stood up for myself and made my way out of it that he will learn. All of these things all day through text back and forth till about 1am monday. So at 1 i get out of work and i am not alone in my car and just decide to ask if he regrets anything he did bc look how far it went.
And i told him i cant believe he did this to me. So now he is acting about as emotionless as a rock saying he doesnt care, i did this, i kicked him out like a dog, i spoke to him worse than anyone ever has.
Meanwhile he has said everything i said and worse throughout the course of 5 1/2 years. But it doesn't count bc it was him saying it apparently.
He never thought i would leave him or stop giving him chances and this is what made him so upset about it in my opinion.
So its about 3am i call and he answers we spent about 2 hours talking about exactly the same things as the texts and i cried at one point that how come he could never change for me, how come it took this to make him do anything in his life. (Hes now looking for an apartment and paid off his cards) he has never wanted to move into an apartment together bc he wanted a house but on the phone he said the true reason was bc he never knew if he’d be with me long term and didnt want to become stuck in a loan with me.
But i have all my bank cards with him as an authorized user to boost his credit, and his car is in my moms name and his. I pay his phone bill, i pay for everytime we go out together to eat, i pay for the laundry to be done, i pay for anything our child gets (clothes, groceries, shoes, toys, tablets) and i am the one saving money. He pays for his $700 car payment and his $300 insurance along with about $300 in a motercylce he got one day bc he thought was his dream to have and hasnt turned it on since august.
He is very impulsive, never thinks things through. And acts like a teenager with no responsibilities. I have to remind him to pay his cards, i have to lend him money almost every other week bc he runs out.
I lent him 2,500 bc he dreamt one day that he needed to have his own business and quit his job so i paid for the supplies and 2 months later he went back to work. I waited a year to ask for it back and he told me to take it from the taxes (the taxes each year since we have been with my parents go straight to the house savings) so basically he’s telling me to pay myself back.
Anyway we have not spoken since that phone call and it ended off with how much he is forcing himself to ignore that i exist and force himself to get over this and pretend like nothing happened until one day he forgets about me.
Now hearing that i felt bad and cracked. I told him no i do not want to be together again but i obviously love you, and maybe i did say things i shouldnt have but you made me feel that way with what you did.
He didnt apologize but agreed that it was wrong to have done the weed but everything else he said is fine bc i started an argument with him the day before and he claims he did not want to be home and chose to be out instead of with me. And that cost him everything.
So i asked if he thinks he can take a few days to think if its even worth trying again or not. I made him promise not to do weed or be with anyone else, or go to bars. Just to think. Now since i said i never trusted him when we were together its even harder now being apart and its only been 1 day. Am i just being emotional or should i wait on him to want to be together again ? I know i shoudlnt be with him and he will never change, but with my personality even after all thats happened i always want to believe that one day he will realize what he has.
But throughout the years i have endured too many things to allow him to keep doing it. I hit the breaking point that day i told him to leave. And somehow the situation got flipped into being my fault.
He is also very good at doing that by the way, he can somehow made me think that i caused him to do something wrong towards me, like lie, cheat or hide something.
Last edited by MattMatt; 02-13-2020 at 01:08 PM.
Reason: Paragraph breaks added.