wife cant let go of other man or make a decision to stay or separate - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-24-2015, 02:19 PM Thread Starter
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Since the FB's family owns his home, I suspect that there isn't a formal lease and that they are essentially what the law would consider "month-to-month" tenants.
What about it Floating? Formal lease or no?
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I know this sounds harsh and I'm usually pro R but she's had 4 months to make a decision and she has, the decision is live with you and have him as a lover plain and simple, well done in making another choice for her, when is the date for her to move in with him or beg for your mercy and forgiveness providing you are willing too? you can't not follow through as now she is seeing if you are bluffing then closely followed by her rage when the penny drops you are not going to follow their/her script, another poster said don't give her a month to move the poster is right tell her again today she has until Friday to go as you've waited long enough and by her not choosing she has actually chosen him over you,
I gave her till the weekend. No formal lease not worried about her trying to keep the house she knows she's the one who messed up, and she's really not malicious not am i. I'm just ready to move on

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post #122 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-24-2015, 02:30 PM
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Re: wife cant let go of other man or make a decision to stay or separate

No, you have not been working the 180. You have been working the "are you looking at me while I pretend that I'm not bothered" dance.

Be thankful that she has not ACTED LIKE she has come around. You would be back where you started. Work the 180 for YOU. You have to get your mind around your worth. You don't realize your own worth right now and it is hard because her actions are hitting you hard.

Stop glorifying your marriage and her. You said that you thought that everything was fine. I really doubt it. Perhaps fine just meant that so long as she was around you then you were happy. I'm not there, but I can tell you that overwhelmingly, those so called "perfect" marriages were far from it. Not that trouble excuses an affair; however, if you think it was all love and happiness, then you are idealizing your marriage about as much as she is re-writing it.

She's not awesome, great, or anything else spectacular. Neither was your marriage. Its true condition needs to be realized by YOU. Her true value needs to be realized by YOU. Your true worth needs to be realized by YOU. Who knows, once you get a handle on those things, you might be happy that she is gone.

My point is to start from a framework of truth in everything that you do and think. It may not make things easy, but they will be less hard, if that makes any sense.
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post #123 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-24-2015, 02:55 PM
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Re: wife cant let go of other man or make a decision to stay or separate

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I gave her till the weekend. No formal lease not worried about her trying to keep the house she knows she's the one who messed up, and she's really not malicious not am i. I'm just ready to move on
Sorry, but that's 5 days too many.

"You're either staying w/ me or you're leaving. If you leave, we're done -- immediately and forever. If you stay, you're cutting any and all ties w/ him -- immediately and forever."

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #124 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-24-2015, 03:09 PM
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Re: wife cant let go of other man or make a decision to stay or separate

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I've been working the 180. It hasn't gotten through to her yet
It will get through when you mean it and that won't be until you can no longer stand to be in the same room with her and want a D asap.

R should be completely off the table at this point. You've let her call all the shots until now, it's time for you to take back control. She should be grateful you even acknowledge her existence, stop giving her so much power over your life.
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post #125 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-24-2015, 03:13 PM
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Re: wife cant let go of other man or make a decision to stay or separate

Sigh * Altogether now "180 is not for her 180 is for ....."
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post #126 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-24-2015, 09:19 PM
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Re: wife cant let go of other man or make a decision to stay or separate

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The law protects be cause they have no clue what sort of nonsense is going on in a household. So until it goes to court and someone settles it they are not going to let anyone kick their spouse out.

Geez
Of course I agree in principle and people do need protection. BUT...

It's just tough when I have myself and 3 of 4 mates with wives that have left what where in essence perfectly good marriages that could easily have been improved with a tiny bit of work.

I still just think that it is too easy for married partners to leave each other these days. The law FACILITATES it.
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post #127 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-24-2015, 09:20 PM
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Re: wife cant let go of other man or make a decision to stay or separate

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Sorry, but that's 5 days too many.

"You're either staying w/ me or you're leaving. If you leave, we're done -- immediately and forever. If you stay, you're cutting any and all ties w/ him -- immediately and forever."
She can do a lot of planning with her new man in 5 days. Basically convince him to support her and house her. And despite this, you will pay for it. Sweet deal for him too.
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post #128 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-24-2015, 10:51 PM
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Re: wife cant let go of other man or make a decision to stay or separate

Just wanted to pop in and assure you that you're doing the right thing. I went through pretty much exactly what you went through, only I was stupid enough to let it go on for over six months. Worst six months of my life by far.

Your wife isn't undecided. She chose a year ago to have two men in her life, one to support her financially and help her raise her children, even if she had to lie to him, and the other one to be her secret lover. What you perceive as ongoing indecision is really just her trying to figure out how to keep her secrets better or rewind time to before you figured out she was cheating. The choice isn't between you or this other man. She's chosen HERSELF.

Think of it this way. In the last four months, while you went through emotional agony, did she choose to stop causing you pain? Did she choose you? No. By not dumping him immediately and choosing you, she has made her choice to continue animating the dead marriage.

Now that you have told her the marriage is ending, she may suddenly act like she's chosen you after all. It's a lie, just as the rest of her is a lie, so don't fall for it. Look at her honestly, the 'real' her that you've uncovered over the last year or so, and ask yourself if this evil twin of the woman you loved has what it takes to earn back your trust. Probably not. Even if her loverboy were to be run over by the karma bus tomorrow, would your wife be able to do the hard work of rebuilding your marriage?

Here's a great link: Real Remorse? Or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse? - ChumpLady.com

I leave you with Rush: "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."
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post #129 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-24-2015, 11:23 PM Thread Starter
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I gave her till the weekend. No formal lease not worried about her trying to keep the house she knows she's the one who messed up, and she's really not malicious not am i. I'm just ready to move on
Sorry, but that's 5 days too many.

"You're either staying w/ me or you're leaving. If you leave, we're done -- immediately and forever. If you stay, you're cutting any and all ties w/ him -- immediately and forever."
That's the deal
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post #130 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-24-2015, 11:25 PM Thread Starter
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Sorry, but that's 5 days too many.

"You're either staying w/ me or you're leaving. If you leave, we're done -- immediately and forever. If you stay, you're cutting any and all ties w/ him -- immediately and forever."
She can do a lot of planning with her new man in 5 days. Basically convince him to support her and house her. And despite this, you will pay for it. Sweet deal for him too.
How exactly would I pay for it. If that what she wants...fine. she's free to do so as far as I'm concerned

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post #131 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-24-2015, 11:44 PM
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Re: wife cant let go of other man or make a decision to stay or separate

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I gave her till the weekend. No formal lease not worried about her trying to keep the house she knows she's the one who messed up, and she's really not malicious not am i. I'm just ready to move on
Floating my man, I told you earlier you cannot afford to f-ck this up. You know your trying to give her wiggle room hoping you don't push her into a corner and she bolts. If you knew women, you'd know she needs to feel the pressure to realize she is no longer holding any of the aces and to recover any of the respect she's lost. You don't what to pass out options to a spouse who can't decide if another man is more valuable than you.
Additionally, since when is her knowing she messed up got anything to do with her trying save her own skin if push comes to shove. You may not think she's malicious and she may not be. But you didn't think she'd be screwing around with another guy either. Since you don't know her as well as you think, the onus is on you to protect your azz.
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post #132 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-25-2015, 01:06 AM
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Re: wife cant let go of other man or make a decision to stay or separate

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How exactly would I pay for it. If that what she wants...fine. she's free to do so as far as I'm concerned
And if she uses the time between now and the weekend to meet up w/ OM and f*ck his brains out...?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #133 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-25-2015, 01:13 AM
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Re: wife cant let go of other man or make a decision to stay or separate

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And if she uses the time between now and the weekend to meet up w/ OM and f*ck his brains out...?
Then he lets her go.

What do you expect him to do? Handcuff her to a radiator? There is nothing he can do to stop her. A threat of divorce might have a 50/50 chance, nothing more.

If she chooses OM, just let her go. Wish her well and go file for that divorce.
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post #134 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-25-2015, 01:22 AM
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Re: wife cant let go of other man or make a decision to stay or separate

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Then he lets her go.

What do you expect him to do? Handcuff her to a radiator? There is nothing he can do to stop her. A threat of divorce might have a 50/50 chance, nothing more.

If she chooses OM, just let her go. Wish her well and go file for that divorce.
I think you misread my post. Of course he can't do anything to stop her. Nor should he try. But he's given her until the weekend to drop OM... as in she can do or say anything w/ him up until Friday evening and then it has to end?

No. F*ck that noise. Tell her to end it now or it's done.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #135 of 148 (permalink) Old 03-25-2015, 01:29 AM
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Re: wife cant let go of other man or make a decision to stay or separate

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How exactly would I pay for it. If that what she wants...fine. she's free to do so as far as I'm concerned
As a woman, many men are prepared to support women completely. On top of that, she receives AT LEAST HALF of your joint assets.

You don't have support.

Suggest you cut ties and get started on your own finances ASAP.
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