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post #16 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-20-2015, 02:11 PM
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Re: H loves another woman

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Of course as the seriousness of this sinks in he has told me he does not want a divorce. He will do whatever he has to do to prove to me that he loves me and wants to be with me. He said he has been forced to look at things and he came to the realization that he doesn't love her; he loved the "thought" of her. He admits he doesn't even know her anymore - he is holding on to how she was a decade ago. He said it almost became a game that every once in a while they would reconnect and talk and it would relight the spark that he had about her from a decade ago!
He has cried, begged for forgiveness and for me to not leave him.
He said he will get rid of the feelings he has about her - and when faced with losing his wife and family he realizes he would lose everything for nothing because he doesn't want to be with her.
This man has never shed a tear with the exception of our wedding day as we exchanged vows - so to see him reduced to tears breaks my heart.
I told him I can't share his heart with someone else and I know my worth - and I don't deserve this.
He said he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me and proving I am his everything.
I hate this! I am so confused. So hurt! When I cry he is right there to comfort me, apologizing and saying he messed up and wants to fix it.
He made an emergent appoint with his counselor to go see him on Wednesday - he said he needs help because he doesn't know what to do or how to fix this and he is afraid of me leaving him.
He asked if we can go see our MC and I told him not right now.... I will go see her alone, so I made an appointment to do that and I see her next Monday.
I am heartbroken...... I want to believe him so badly!
I don't want my marriage to end; but I don't want to share his heart or love either!
Funny, my Ex wife wrote much of that stuff in a card to me after getting caught the first time.. I will spend the rest of my life showing you I deserve you were her words.. I just ripped up that card and threw it out with some pics of her holding our newborn son in the hospital about 5 months ago..

When she was leaving me the last time I wanted to give her the card and the pics to remind her what she promised me and how she broke that promise along with our marriage vows.. To remind her how long it took for us to try to conceive our second son ( 3 years ).. Our first halloween together, first christmas... It was so cliche and melodramatic.. I felt like such a d!ck..

Good luck with your recovery.. Keep us posted.. Make sure he is utterly transparent..


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post #17 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-20-2015, 02:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: H loves another woman

He has said he does not and will not see her. He has blocked her on FB and has her as a blocked contact in his phone. He was going to delete her but he said that won't stop her from contacting him. So he left her as a blocked contact.
She leaves to go back to Florida in a couple of days and he has said he will not leave my side so I am not wondering if he is seeing her. I told him that isn't necessary and him going to see her won't change our outcome. He said he doesn't care he still does not want to see her. He said his phone call telling her he can't talk to her anymore and he was focusing on being a good husband and honoring his vows is all the closure he needs.
I have not backed down - I have stayed strong in telling him we are done! All of these doubts being exposed HERE, in this forum; not to him. He has asked me to not endure marriage and allow him another chance; told him no.
But in my heart I want to give him another chance.
This morning I mentioned which car I want in the divorce and he lost it; started bawling like a baby and said "You really aren't going to change your mind are you?" I said no & walked out of the room and left him there, sobbing. It was SO HARD to walk away
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post #18 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-20-2015, 02:31 PM
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Re: H loves another woman

Career woman here and has been in corporate management. Didn't you say that your husband was in management? He is playing you with his tears and sobbing. He knows that this would sway your decision. He still loves his mistress and told you so. This will end in a bad way. Work on yourself and walk away from this nightmare with dignity. You deserve a better husband; one who loves you that you do not share with another.
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post #19 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-20-2015, 02:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: H loves another woman

Does anyone think that he might be truly remorseful and wants to fix this?
Does anyone think that the fact that he has made an appointment to see his counselor and to address the mess he made mean nothing?
Does anyone think my marriage is worth saving?
I feel like such a fool….. because I believed in him and he let me down. And now I am considering forgiving him as long as I see he is taking steps to fix this.
But when I read all of your comments I feel like no one thinks he could really love me and want to save our marriage.
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post #20 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-20-2015, 02:54 PM
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Re: H loves another woman

What do we know? We never met him and only know what you've told us. My first reaction is why do you want to stay with a man who treats you so poorly.

Experience tells me that a spouse who lies, tries to rug sweep, and finally admits to loving another is not committed to your marriage, and does not respect you. Of course this could change, but not overnight.

So he's going to see HIS counselor. How about MC for the two of you? He has issues he needs to resolve, but the relationship is crippled, at best. Over at worst.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #21 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-20-2015, 03:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: H loves another woman

You are right, you don’t know him. I guess I am just wanting some sort of positivity that could come from all of this mess. Maybe someone who can say something to give me a little hope that maybe someone can change after something like this; or personal experience of a successful outcome. Because I am so damn afraid of what is happening!
He did ask if we could go see our MC and I said no because I want to see her first by myself. I see her by myself sometimes; and right now I am so lost and so confused I need to see her and get some feedback. He said he wants us to get in to see our MC together ASAP
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post #22 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-20-2015, 03:16 PM
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Re: H loves another woman

It is possible that when faced with losing his life he'll realize that he threw everything away for his fantasy. You've handled this well, the only possible way to salvage things is to take a hard line. If you'd begged him he would've jerked you around deciding what he wants.

It's entirely possible that the water works are an act, and it's also possible that he does love you. He just imagined that he could have you and his wh0re. . . you've screwed up those plans.

I think you should continue the divorce, you taking a hard line has given you a position of strength with him. Tell him that if you mean that much to him he'll sign the papers after which time you'll consider dating him and see where it goes. It'll force him to pay up for his crap and it will give you breathing room, and most importantly it will let him experience the consequences of thinking he can have a side ho.

If there's anything to save this hard line might do it. If he won't take you up on your deal you'll know just how important to are to him.

Good job, I firmly believe that if more people handled cheaters like you did more marriages could be saved.
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post #23 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-20-2015, 10:17 PM
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Re: H loves another woman

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Originally Posted by confusedinseattle View Post
You are right, you don’t know him. I guess I am just wanting some sort of positivity that could come from all of this mess. Maybe someone who can say something to give me a little hope that maybe someone can change after something like this; or personal experience of a successful outcome. Because I am so damn afraid of what is happening!
He did ask if we could go see our MC and I said no because I want to see her first by myself. I see her by myself sometimes; and right now I am so lost and so confused I need to see her and get some feedback. He said he wants us to get in to see our MC together ASAP
It's far more likely that he's trying to manipulate you than it is anything else. This is what cheaters do, it's who they are.

BUT if you really want to hold out hope that he's a rare truly remorseful and repentant cheater, check out Chump Lady's post here for some things to watch for while you decide if he's for real or not.

Real Remorse? Or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse? - ChumpLady.com
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post #24 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-20-2015, 11:16 PM
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Re: H loves another woman

I'm a lurker here, never told my stories, there are too many. This is a "new Marriage" with this happening, personally I would mark it up as a lesson learned and take it from there. I've been married twice was 14 the 1st time lasted 12 years. My 2nd now going on 29yrs still there but he had to make me believe in him. I did with all my being till one day after 17yrs the proverbial poo hit the fan and I lost all trust in him because he at one point thought he was falling in love w/someone he worked with. Now it has been almost 12yrs and the trust ,I feel will never be the same. He gave something to another that I felt was mine, HIS LOVE. Think long and hard in my opinion MC is not what is needed, IC for the both to try to get yourselves at peace w/who you are and figure out why life is as it is for you and take it from there. I know this sounds mean, but, you said third times' a charm, it's also an out
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post #25 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-20-2015, 11:36 PM
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Re: H loves another woman

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Originally Posted by confusedinseattle View Post
You are right, you don’t know him. I guess I am just wanting some sort of positivity that could come from all of this mess. Maybe someone who can say something to give me a little hope that maybe someone can change after something like this; or personal experience of a successful outcome. Because I am so damn afraid of what is happening!
He did ask if we could go see our MC and I said no because I want to see her first by myself. I see her by myself sometimes; and right now I am so lost and so confused I need to see her and get some feedback. He said he wants us to get in to see our MC together ASAP
Actually, I'll go against the flow and recommend that you give him a chance. The phone records don't show much contact. It seems like she was chasing him and he was tempted but hadn't given in (though you'll never know if he would have). What are the chances that you meet someone who might be better?

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post #26 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-21-2015, 12:13 AM
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Re: H loves another woman

I'm sorry you are going through this and I know how you feel. Last summer I found out my husband was having an affair. He lied about the details, made it seem like it was just a "friendship" and I almost had hope that he would stop talking to her and work on us. But I found out more and more. Found evidence from the phone records and a letter he wrote to her.

Even as I confronted him with proof, he still lied. Looking back I realize that he was happy not rocking the boat. While I believed we were ok and working on our marriage, he was still talking to her. So he had the best of both worlds.

It wasn't until his affair was no longer a secret that he admitted how he felt about her. He had feelings for her and no longer felt anything for me. I was in denial for a long time but now I see things for what they really are.

I was hoping he'd choose me, that he'd end the affair, realize he made a mistake, and want to love me. He didn't and now I'm moving on.

It's hard I know, because you love him and everything is so fresh...the pain and the confusion. In time you'll get some clarity and know which direction to go.

It took me a good year to come to terms and be ok with this. Even though it still hurts but it's not as devastating.

And just remember---- he can't love you but also love another woman. You deserve to be the only one.
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post #27 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-21-2015, 12:19 AM
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Re: H loves another woman

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Originally Posted by confusedinseattle View Post
Does anyone think that he might be truly remorseful and wants to fix this?
Does anyone think that the fact that he has made an appointment to see his counselor and to address the mess he made mean nothing?
Does anyone think my marriage is worth saving?
I feel like such a fool….. because I believed in him and he let me down. And now I am considering forgiving him as long as I see he is taking steps to fix this.
But when I read all of your comments I feel like no one thinks he could really love me and want to save our marriage.
Just read your post...

I'm a believer in saving a marriage.
If he's willing to take the steps, then give him a chance. I know that's what I would do.
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post #28 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-21-2015, 12:22 AM
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Re: H loves another woman

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Originally Posted by confusedinseattle View Post
Does anyone think that he might be truly remorseful and wants to fix this?
Does anyone think that the fact that he has made an appointment to see his counselor and to address the mess he made mean nothing?
Does anyone think my marriage is worth saving?
I feel like such a fool….. because I believed in him and he let me down. And now I am considering forgiving him as long as I see he is taking steps to fix this.
But when I read all of your comments I feel like no one thinks he could really love me and want to save our marriage.
The reason that I don't think staying with him is a good idea is that he is not being honest with you. He has told you just enough to cover his behind. There is a lot more to this relationship. Why do I say that?

I could be wrong, but it sounds like he was cheating on his ex with at least an emotional affair. He has to admit that.

This woman did not get emotional about her relationship with him based on very fews contacts in the last few years. There has to have been an ongoing relationship with a lot more contact then he has admitted to.

He could be contacting her from work. Or he could have a burner phone. Or some kind of chat problem that hides the chats.

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post #29 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-21-2015, 09:41 AM
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Re: H loves another woman

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She responded again saying "I am only in town 2 more days. Somehow I knew you wouldn't really see me".
Her telling him that she knew that he "wouldn't really see" her speaks volumes about his lack of real commitment to her. She has been an out of state ego feeding fantasy that he has used sporadically for many years, and he does not want to make it real with her even when given the chance. He has stated that he loves her but is not in love with her. So many cheaters use this I love you but am not in love with you phrase when leaving the marriage, that the initials of this phrase are often used on sites to say that this happened. What I am saying here is that it would be worse if he told you that he loved you but was not in love with you.

You are right to be upset, but there is a chance that this marriage can be saved if that is what you want. You pushing him to see her even when he resists needs to stop as it is a dishonest strategy. Stop playing games and decide what you want to do. There is a reason that you both have each been divorced 2 times, and you need to both find out why and make sure that you are not doing those things here.

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post #30 of 47 (permalink) Old 07-21-2015, 12:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: H loves another woman

It has been a rough couple days. I have read everything you have all said. I have actually read a lot of it several times. I hear what everyone is saying and a big part of me KNOWS everyone is right.
He has spent the last few days literally begging me to not leave him. He has gotten on his knees; he has sobbed, he has said he will live the rest of his life under lock and key if that is what he has to do. He will go to counseling, he will give me full access to all of his social media, no passwords that I won’t have etc.
He also said this has forced him to look at what he said. He said although he said he loves her but isn’t in love with her he has of course retracted that and said this has forced him to look at it and see that he doesn’t even know her anymore. And he didn’t know her that well when they worked together 12 years ago when this all started. He admits to having an EA with her but continues to say it was never physical because they were both married. Once he was divorced she had already moved from Washington State to Florida so he said it almost became a game….. She stroked his ego; told him how much she cared about him, how he was the one that she wanted and couldn’t have, that she still wanted a chance to be with him etc. He said they stayed in contact but not consistently; and he felt like one of them would reach out when things weren’t good in their current relationship. He said it was game. He knew he didn’t ever want to be with her because he didn’t even know the real her. He like the idea of her. Someone who wanted him. Someone who stroked his ego etc…. He said he had no intention on seeing her when she was in town; and even pointed out that HE is the one who made sure we had plans as a family that weekend – even inviting other family over for a BBQ. He said he knew going to see her wasn’t what he wanted. HE was ok with keeping it the way it was – a “game” that he could play when he wanted, or how he wanted. When he felt like he needed it. He said she is the one who reached out to him this last time and said they only talked on 7/7 & again a quick call on 7/8 - - he said they didn’t talk again until the FB message she sent telling him she was in town and wanted to see him; that is the message he deleted.
He states he never wants to talk to her again and he has his closure with the phone call he made to her. He realizes he is losing his wife over an IDEA of this woman. He doesn’t know her well enough to love her; only what he remembers from over a decade ago.
I have not changed my course with him. I continue to tell him I can’t live this way or feel like I am always watching over my shoulder or wondering when it might happen again. When he cries and begs it breaks my heart – I feel so bad for him and I just want to console him; but I don’t. I let him sit in his own discomfort.
This is NOT what I wanted. This is NOT what I want for my marriage! I do not know that I can come back from this.
He is a good man in so many ways – I am struggling with losing someone like him – for all the good that he is……
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