OP, Iím not going to beat you up. But I want to give you some information.
My husband is a porn addict Ė undiagnosed of course Ė but all of the signs and symptoms are there. My husband has used/abused porn for the entire almost 11 years weíve been together. I never minded porn. At all. Iíve watched it myself. Iíd dated guys that watched it, I was married to one. But with my husband it was different. He told me he didnít need porn because he had me. I wholeheartedly and fully believed that. Thinking I was his everything. And for a man to not need porn because he had me? Man, I mustíve really been hot stuff in and out of the sack! He needed no fantasy because he had ME!
My world came crashing down when I came home one day, opened the internet, went to the history to find a page Iíd visited the day before and there was porn ALL OVER my computer. The very first thought in my head was ďIím NOT enoughĒ. Heíd told me he didnít need it because I was enough, but he was watching it so it must mean I WASNíT enough. I confronted him about lying about it. I got remorse and tears and sorryís and promises, but it never stopped. 11 years later Ė he still watches porn. The only thing thatís different now is that he doesnít hide it. But I dealt with him lying about it for close to 11 years. Heís only NOT lied and hid it for 7 months! 7 months does not erase the pain of 10 years. Each time felt like a betrayal. Each time FELT like cheating. Not because he watched porn. Heís a man. Men watch porn (as do some women) but because he lied about it. I wasnít worth the truth. The porn meant more to him then being honest with me or the fact that I felt betrayed every single time he lied about it. Some floozy on pornhub meant more than me trusting him and my self esteem and self worth. I began to see these women as REAL women he was actually cheating on me with. No, he never saw them in person, but these women were real enough to take away from my marriage and destroy me. I have body issues now, I have self esteem issues, every time I sleep with my husband Ė I wonder if Iím performing up to par with what he sees on the internet.
Through my research on porn addiction, I have discovered that it usually is used as a form of escape from reality and generally starts with a traumatic event. My husbands dad died when he was 15 years old Ė very violently and unexpectedly. Guess when my husband started watching porn? When he was 15. He has admitted he uses it as an escape from reality. It is his own personal escape where he doesnít have to worry about anyone elses feelings, pleasing anyone else, stress, etc. The ONLY thing he thinks about during that time is pleasure. To a certain extent OP, I understand this. But what I cannot understand or accept is the lying about it and hiding it. THAT is what makes it a betrayal.
I am explaining all of these things because I believe that what you did was an escape from reality. You used it to soothe yourself. And I am pretty sure your wife understands that. You didnít have to think about cancer during that time or anyone elseís feelings. You focused only on your pleasure and it was a nice distraction from life. But the thing is, on the other end of your phone was a REAL PERSON. Now, Iím sure you understand that that other person couldíve been a 400 pound man for all you know. But I am sure that you had a picture in your head of what this person looked like. Maybe she was blonde, about 5í8 with a ginormous rack and a youthful private arena. Maybe she was a big beautiful woman with curves for days. Maybe she looked like Angelina Jolie Ė who knows? The fact is, you most likely gave this person an identity and that identity was attached to a real person. And you spoke sexually with that real person. Just like I am typing this now and you are reading it Ė yes, it is anonymous because we canít SEE each other, but we are still real people behind these keyboards and phone screens.
Your wife mentioned you get worried when @turnera
posts on your thread. I can see why. Sheís beat me upside the head a lot of times too, but she does it because she cares. My point is Ė you get worried when she posts because sheís a REAL PERSON behind the screen sheís posting from. She is telling you REAL things, REAL advice, REAL feelings. They are coming from a LIVE person. Thatís what you need to understand about what you did. Some people look at sexting the same as viewing porn and itís not. Viewing porn online IS real people, but these real people are performing for a camera, being paid to do a job, distributing their goods for men, women and couples to peruse at their leisure. Sexting with someone is a real person, sharing real time information, real time thoughts and feelings, real time turn ons and arousal. While they may have Ďjust been wordsí there were physical reactions to those words. You gave yourself sexual pleasure from those words. You turned to your wife for sexual gratification from those words. And all of those words were spoken by a REAL person, whom youíd manufactured in your mind to look like whatever fantasy you had. You replaced your wives physical body with the fantasy of the words that you spoke and read from another person. Your wife was the stunt double for the star.