Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #106 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 11:58 AM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
hurtingtechguy,

You are getting a lot of negativity, exactly what you did not want.
Sorry Ele but I disagree, removing ones self from an abusive situation is the most positive advice anyone can offer.

Where are you getting that "most marriages survive affairs"? Is there actual numbers on that? How are those numbers when it is 2 affairs?

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post #107 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 12:19 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

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We have been to counselling and it hasn't really helped.

She seems to be very remorseful.

Her excuses were the typical bull****. In reality it was due to her lack of self confidence and when someone showed interest it made her feel good and selfishness took over.

A ton of comments so far, still trying to digest some of them and am praying that some of the comments are wrong and not reality.
That selfishness will never go away. We are all selfish, some more, some less.

Most spouses do not allow their selfishness to allow them to betray....every valuable thing that is THEIRS.

Hers is not a small flaw....it is a gaping wound.

You will never be able to look at her again, without seeing that "Chasm of Shame".

Don't hate her. Just let her go. Then she can again hold her head up, with a new man, and you can sleep peacefully with a new women.

Living with this "hyena" in the corner of your vision [for the rest of {both} of your lives] is too painful, and frankly, not necessary.

Her doing, is the Bridge too Far that we often hear about.

.................................................. .................................................. .................................

Green eye-shade analysis:

The Logistics to reclaim the damage done, is what? Beyond any ROI ? Yes.

As I see it, the Sunk Costs have lost too much Intrinsic Value, she Depreciated herself to Negative.

Even taking into account her Sentimental Value or her Collector Value she comes up in the Red.

.................................................. .................................................. ..................................

All this due to her Education level and her age at the commission of infidelity.

Divorce......let her win you back if that is what you "ultimately" desire. She owes you more than you can imagine...

The banishment of her to Elba is necessary. She must feel consequences and Atone for her carnal errors.

A-Tone to be: A͵͵ sub-contra-octave. The lowest key on a 88 key piano, double pedal. This key courses through ones soul when struck. It signals doom and fear.

Hopefully, hearing this, she can re-deem herself.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #108 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 12:22 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Sorry Ele but I disagree, removing ones self from an abusive situation is the most positive advice anyone can offer.

Where are you getting that "most marriages survive affairs"? Is there actual numbers on that? How are those numbers when it is 2 affairs?
Marriage builders (Dr. Harley) says that some 70-80% of his clients recover their marriages after infidelity. I've see similar statistics other places.

Here is another source....

"A recent survey conducted in the USA found some interesting statistics on cheating and divorce rates. No doubt infidelity is a serious problem that often leads to divorce or damaged relationships, but the numbers are a little surprising to me: only 19 percent of people who were cheated on ended the relationship right away. 22 percent eventually broke up because they couldn’t get over the betrayal.
That also means that a whopping 78 percent of these couples actually never broke up because of an affair!"

Statistics on Cheating ? How Many Relationships Survive an Affair?


There seems to be a group-think belief on TAM that a betrayed spouse MUST get a divorce; that all marriages fail after infidelity; etc etc. Due to this, most male BS's who come here are pushed to end their marriage. How many people on this thread are trying to help the OP recover his marriage?

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post #109 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 12:46 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

@hurtingtechguy

Two days of almost universal agreement on advice here.

So what's the deal OP? Did you tell her to quit the job yet?

NO CONTACT is not negotiable, she needs to never see OM again.

The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step bud.

This is step 1. If she can't even do this then it's time to see a lawyer.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #110 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 12:56 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

I think many posters missed the fact that his children know what is going on. I assume that means they know about MOM. Many posters here cite good reasons, that unless fixed, will result in divorce. Re-read @drifting on post on your thread. Then read his personal threads on TAM. His wife gaslighted him for two and half years and letting him believe HIS twins son where not his biology. At one point he had a gun to his head, pulled the trigger, and cursed himself when the tigger just clicked for not even being good enough to pull kill himself. Yet his marriage endures and grows.

He and his wife faced many if not all the same comments you have read here. They are together because they faced them down and continue to do so together every day.

Be well, don't forget to blow up OM at his work place. Don't hesitate. Exposure is often needed to kill adultery. @EleGirl mentioned MB here is his thoughts on exposure: Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish

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post #111 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 01:06 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

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"A recent survey conducted in the USA found some interesting statistics on cheating and divorce rates. No doubt infidelity is a serious problem that often leads to divorce or damaged relationships, but the numbers are a little surprising to me: only 19 percent of people who were cheated on ended the relationship right away. 22 percent eventually broke up because they couldn’t get over the betrayal.
That also means that a whopping 78 percent of these couples actually never broke up because of an affair!"
Poor suckers.
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post #112 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 01:08 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

He does not have to file for divorce to prove to her he is serious about her behavior not being acceptable.

He does have to do things she will not enjoy. He does have to do things she would prefer he not do. He has to be willing to endure her anger and displeasure to get her to respect him. Women do not love or have sex with men they do not respect.

She may eventually thank him for doing things she did not, at the time, enjoy. She may not. Their marriage can survive her displeasure. It cannot survive her disrespect.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #113 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 01:09 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

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I think many posters missed the fact that his children know what is going on. I assume that means they know about MOM. Many posters here cite good reasons, that unless fixed, will result in divorce. Re-read @drifting on post on your thread. Then read his personal threads on TAM. His wife gaslighted him for two and half years and letting him believe HIS twins son where not his biology. At one point he had a gun to his head, pulled the trigger, and cursed himself when the tigger just clicked for not even being good enough to pull kill himself. Yet his marriage endures and grows.

He and his wife faced many if not all the same comments you have read here. They are together because they faced them down and continue to do so together every day.

Be well, don't forget to blow up OM at his work place. Don't hesitate. Exposure is often needed to kill adultery. @EleGirl mentioned MB here is his thoughts on exposure: Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums.

That doesn't sound like a happy ending to me, it sounds offensive, sounds like an abomination of what a marriage should be. Would you advice a woman who had a gun put to her head to stay with that man. Gross.
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post #114 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 01:27 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

To have the SAME marriage be successful after infidelity, the WS must put a LOT of effort into becoming a better person, understanding why they felt cheating was a solution to their problems, and doing whatever it takes to evolve beyond that thinking and into being a better person. This pretty much must involve counseling, ending the affair irrevocably (no contact, exposure), and being remorseful. Not just regret that they got caught, but complete understanding of how bad their actions were and how much the BS was hurt. This hard work is completely on the WS, and most are simply incapable of doing it. They might fake it well for a while, fooling the BS, which just causes more pain.

The BS must also do some work, work on understanding the person their WS really is, not the illusion they'd been fooled by and want back. They must also understand how their behaviour during the marriage may have had an effect. I'm not blaming the BS for the WS cheating, because that choice of how to react is entirely on the WS, but there were very likely incompatibilities the WS was reacting to that the BS ignored or underestimated and needs to identify and understand. HOW the WS reacted is horrible, but WHAT they were reacting to needs to be addressed. Both BS and WS need to understand why the WS reacts this way and the WS needs to change it. Again, HARD to do and something the BS can't help with.

For the BS to have a NEW marriage be successful after infidelity, they must must put some work into becoming a new person, rising beyond the blow to their self-esteem, finding their identity as a self-sufficient single person, and becoming receptive to a new relationship (key elements of the 180). They must understand what they are incompatible with in a new relationship, and become able to recognize it before commitment. Very similar to what they need to do above if they are staying in the old relationship.

For the WS to have a NEW marriage be successful after their infidelity, they still need to do the same work they would have had to do in the same marriage: figure out why they react to problems with cheating, and learn new ways to deal with them instead.

So, really, both WS and BS need to do the same things whether the marriage continues or fails, but the hardest job falls to the WS and the BS cannot help with it. The BS's job is evaluate if the WS is doing any of it, and telling the faking from the genuine. If the WS isn't seeking counselling, initiating no contact themselves, etc, then the BS knows the old marriage isn't going to make it.

I don't know it this was positive or not. These were hard lessons for me to learn. I, the BS, naively and loyally believed that my ex, the WS, would do this hard work, because of course I, and our marriage, and our children, and our family business, and our lifestyle, and our extended families, were all worth it. But my ex rejected the counselling, took the affair underground, ignored my pain, and I just waited around stupidly extending the pain for months longer than necessary. Looking back, I did know that my ex was incapable of this sort of hard work, but I just clung to hope because I knew these things were worth my hard work. And now, with the hindsight of years, I can see the signs all throughout our marriage of incompatibilities that I minimized because my ex didn't communicate about them or ignored because I didn't understand them.

Only you can know if you have a WS capable of change. If not, you have to be the one to initiate change (ie, separation and divorce). But it's a rare WS whose main plan for dealing with your discovery of their adultery doesn't involve a whole lot of apparent indecision while they try to placate you or rewind time to before you figured things out. The type of person who cheats is the same type of person who runs away from problems instead of tackling them. Now that you know they are a cheater, why would you expect them to stop being that type of person and tackle this problem?
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post #115 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 01:33 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
"A recent survey conducted in the USA found some interesting statistics on cheating and divorce rates. No doubt infidelity is a serious problem that often leads to divorce or damaged relationships, but the numbers are a little surprising to me: only 19 percent of people who were cheated on ended the relationship right away. 22 percent eventually broke up because they couldn’t get over the betrayal.
That also means that a whopping 78 percent of these couples actually never broke up because of an affair!"

[url=http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/statistics-on-cheating-how-many-relationships-survive-an-affair]Statistics on Cheating ? How Many Relationships Survive an Affair?[/url
Who did this math??

19% end right away after cheating
22% break up eventually
that leaves 59% not 78%

And you just know that a good portion of those 59% are unhappy but don't break up due to other pressures, financial, cultural, religious, etc.

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post #116 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 01:41 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

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Who did this math??

19% end right away after cheating
22% break up eventually
that leaves 59% not 78%

And you just know that a good portion of those 59% are unhappy but don't break up due to other pressures, financial, cultural, religious, etc.
I believe that the 22% includes the 19% who originally ended their marriage.

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post #117 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 01:42 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

@sokillme please clarify, did you read what I posted? He put a gun to his head, not his wife. As to would I advise him to stay with her if he ever thought of doing so - NO.

I strongly doubt the statistics Elegirl cites. If true I believe the majority of these marriages are due to the BS settling fir a life of quiet despair. A horror.

OP is seeking a way to be brave and not a fool so I will help him. UNDERSTAND THIS ABOUT ME: before revealing and confronted the BS must see an attorney, must have drawn up a divorce settlement which includes maximizing the quality of their post marriage life including custody issues. Then confront from strength.

The pick me dance is a form of suicide by a thousand despairs. Instead I urge the BS to look at themselves and become a better person so in the event of re-marriage their new spouse will say (pay attention to the last sentence)
Why improve yourself by the new wife of a BS*

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

__________________________________________________ _________

BS be this person. * Now as to how to:

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #118 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 01:43 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Marriage builders (Dr. Harley) says that some 70-80% of his clients recover their marriages after infidelity. I've see similar statistics other places.
I wouldn't believe that charlatan if he told me the sun rises in the east. His for-profit business relys on selling hope to people feeling hopeless at one of the most emotionally vulnerable times in their lives. He is a despicable human being profiting from the suffering of others. Do some research before referencing this person.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Here is another source....

"A recent survey conducted in the USA found some interesting statistics on cheating and divorce rates. No doubt infidelity is a serious problem that often leads to divorce or damaged relationships, but the numbers are a little surprising to me: only 19 percent of people who were cheated on ended the relationship right away. 22 percent eventually broke up because they couldn’t get over the betrayal.
That also means that a whopping 78 percent of these couples actually never broke up because of an affair!"

Statistics on Cheating ? How Many Relationships Survive an Affair?
Not sure how 19% ending relationship immediately and another 22% breaking up later adds up to a 78% survival rate. These number alone say 41% of these marriages do not survive infidelity.

Why didn't you quote the very next sentences? They read:

"The numbers are a little different if you look at Sexual Infidelity specifically. The survey found that just over half of the divorces were initiated because of sexual infidelity."

The "just over half" is an average of all cases of infidelity. I'd hazard an educated guess that when it's the wife who cheats the divorce rate is much higher. Most men never get over it and either divorce shortly after d-day or within the first year or so after failing to reconcile. Many of the rest choose to live unhappily ever after for a host of reasons.

The bottom line is that all of the Infidelity studies come up with different percentages based on the methodology they use to get their data. All of them agree that the data is flawed because the emotional damage done by infidelity often renders both partners - especially the BS - incapable of providing truthful information. They choose a version of the truth that they can live with, whether it's true or not, and do the old "that's my story and I'm sticking to it".

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
There seems to be a group-think belief on TAM that a betrayed spouse MUST get a divorce; that all marriages fail after infidelity; etc etc. Due to this, most male BS's who come here are pushed to end their marriage. How many people on this thread are trying to help the OP recover his marriage?
Very few BH's here on TAM will advocate that a man reconcile after she's been in a PA because our experience tells us it will not end well for either of them. Men will ruminate over the sexual aspect and never look at their wife the same again. They will never truly trust her. They will never believe that she didn't have other affairs that she will never reveal. The mind-movies and intrusive thoughts will destroy most men so we try to give them the benefit or our experiences and help them look beyond the immediate fear of losing the life they thought they had.

Many woman on infidelity forums deny the significant difference in the reaction and prognosis for healing based on BW vs. BH. I don't know why anyone wouldn't accept that there are radical differences the the psyche's of men and woman and so there are real differences in their responses.

Infidelity counselor Phillip Hodson put it this way and I think this says it all:

"For a betrayed woman, an affair is an offense against her dignity. For a betrayed man, it's an offense against his manhood. It goes right to the core of his identity."

OP should divorce his serial cheating wife and start a new life. Serial cheaters never change - they just get better at hiding their affairs. He will suffer mercilessly if he stays with her.
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post #119 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 01:45 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

Should have said some huddles: @Marc878 shared this with me . Really helpful so I thought I would share.

12 Things I Learned in the First 12 Weeks of the Affair

Wayfarer 6 February, 2014
1. Tears Don’t Move Active Cheaters
Tears Don't Move Active CheatersWe can’t understand how our upset and devastation can be so cruelly and cavalierly dismissed or ignored, and yet it happens time and time again. We sob and wail and gnash teeth. We guilt and accuse and reproach. And yet, it’s as if they’ve been coated with some sort of emotional Teflon! All our grief and distress slides off them like a fried egg in a non-stick pan. It doesn’t even stick if we break apart.

An active cheater will do anything they can to separate themselves from any form of histrionics. They might tell themselves that it’s just manipulative melodrama, designed to make them feel badly about what they’re doing. They might even enjoy warm and fuzzy feelings that they’re so desirable that they have you swooning and fighting over them. They are most probably sharing your anguish as a source of great amusement and delighted ridicule between them and their affair partner.

If you don’t find yourself crying through this at some point, something’s wrong. Tears are your physical expression of your emotional state, and even if they don’t make you feel better, there is some relief to releasing the emotional floodgates.

“It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears.”
~ Ovid
If you do cry, don’t make a performance out of it for your cheater. Take yourself somewhere quiet and cry, scream, and vent it out, just for yourself.

2. Your Commitment Doesn’t Trump Their Entitlement
Part of remaining stuck in the worst of it is your refusal to accept your new reality. It’s incredibly difficult to understand why they don’t reciprocate when you’re committed and faithful. The Why? question becomes such a huge obstacle that you just can’t see beyond.

“Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good.”
~ Elizabeth Edwards
A cheater who continues an affair after it has been exposed or discovered, feels entitled to do so. They might believe that they are in love with their affair partner, or they might believe that you would never leave them. They could also feel that they deserve their affair as some karmic balance for some hurt or misfortune in their life.

No matter their reason, your continued investment and love won’t effect change in them. They have committed to a course of action, they’ve already decided that their affair is more important to them than the loss of you and their marriage. They may even enjoy having you at home, cooking, cleaning, washing their socks, and looking after the bills and the kids – in fact, you might be giving them all the at-home support that they need to be able to continue their affair.

3. There Can be Real Kindness in Strangers
Don’t underestimate the depth of compassion and support you find in infidelity support forums, and other support groups. Don’t underestimate how willing perfect strangers can be to offer you real and practical support and assistance.

The Kindness of Strangers

I tend not to personalize the posts to this site, but I am going to take this opportunity to thank the strangers who reached out to me with offers of financial help, care packages, and going out of their way to whisk me away from the madness for a few hours, and even buy me dinner. My gratitude to these people is immense – their kindness and support humbles me to this day. Not all the people who did let me lean on them will ever read this post, but the sentiment is out there in the cosmos, and this site exists partly in their honor.

4. Compassion Comes in Many Forms, and it Doesn’t Always Agree With You
Have you found yourself being irritated, angry, or upset with someone in an infidelity support forum, who has posted something that made you uncomfortable or annoyed you? There are a lot of good people on forums like these, whose perspective and experience gives them a different insight into your situation. Many people can see an alternative reality to the one that you see. Other people can view holes in your rationale, inconsistencies with your thinking, and when your choices seem unhealthy. That someone cares enough to take the time and make the effort to respond to you is their gift to you.

It’s easy to only see compassion in those whose views, beliefs, and style mirror your own, but people in support forums are there because they want to help others through a difficult situation. In my first 12 weeks, I found that no matter how different the views were to mine, people were there to listen, respond, and listen some more. People give up their free time in support forums willingly, and without an expectation of any reciprocation or compensation. Those people were a lifeline for me then – our differences did not lessen their concern and compassion, nor my gratitude for it.

6. Looking Through Your Wedding Photographs as a Terrible Idea
Enough said really. It’s easy to make the mistake of thinking that you know better, that it won’t affect you negatively. It will – there may not be an immediate fallout, but the tears and the upset will come. Yes, I speak from specific experience!

Try to put these types of photographs and memorabilia out of the way while your cheater is still in their affair. Keep them safely (don’t burn them in a fit of pique) until you’re emotionally ready to make a decision about keeping them or otherwise.

7. Laugh Often and Loudly
Chat IconsmallTransI know, it can feel like you will never laugh again, but you will, I promise you. Try to have some fun away from the affair drama – if you want someone to lift your spirits who understands what you’re going through, you are always welcome in the IHG Chat Room. Just pop in and say that you need some distraction from the gravity and angst of it all. Call a friend, go out for coffee, go to a movie … anything that will redirect you and let you laugh a little. It’s worth it.

8. There’s Always Someone Trying to Impose Their Agenda on You
Society, religious counselors, marriage counselors, pro-marriage forums, pro-divorce forums, sex addiction proponents, family, friends … Everyone has an agenda.

Some view your marriage remaining intact as the primary goal post-infidelity. Others may have a personal stake in your relationship and perhaps a personal axe to grind with your cheater. People give advice based in their own version of an ideal outcome for you – and that outcome might not be in your sole or best interests.

This site is no different. We do have an agenda, and it’s scrawled in bold type on nearly every page of the website. Our agenda is that you emerge from the affair with clear thinking, empowered to move forward in your life towards your own goals, your self-esteem intact, your own welfare secured, and you fully aware of the implications and authentic reasons behind your own decisions.

We won’t judge you negatively for deciding to stay for financial reasons, or leaving because you can get a really fantastic divorce settlement – in fact, we give you props for not shrouding it in inauthentic – though perhaps more ‘socially acceptable’ – excuses.

9. Affairs Highlight Patterns
Once you’ve had a few months of standing back and observing and questioning your active cheater’s behaviors, you will start to see patterns emerge.

The faithful spouse generally will claim that their cheater’s affair is completely out of character, and it can certainly feel that way. But if you start to peel back the layers, you can start to identify patterns in their behavior that are echoed in their affair mind-set. After a while it becomes obvious that the affair is just an extension of already-present attitudes and world view, it’s just that you had no cause to really examine it before. Maybe you can identify your cheater’s traits in these?:

I am always hard done by and downtrodden, treated badly by everyone, even though I’ve done nothing to deserve it.
I want the kind of good life I see in others and in the media so will take it where I can in that new TV, or designer suit, or big house. I deserve/am owed this minimum happiness.
My dysfunctional childhood has affected me and that’s why I can behave badly, but if you love me, you’ll understand me and make allowances.
I have an issue with impulse control and that’s why we’re deeply in debt.
I’ve always flirted and like to be the center of attention – it’s harmless.
I am edgy and deep and have a greater understanding of the meaning of life than others.
I am not constrained by conventional societal rules and structures, and I am amused and superior to those who buy into such artificial constructs.
My world view is one that I shall never change, and I will not be swayed into changing my attitudes, approach, views, or opinions.
10. You are Not the Person They Married
We all change over time, and we often change as a result of our changing circumstances. Being single, living by your own say so, under your own financial steam, and loving your independence while having fun in your relationship might be where you started.

2.4 kids, a dog, and a mortgage later, laundry bins overflowing, bills piling up on your desk, the car dying, a job you hate but pays well enough to support the family … life has taken its toll. You probably stopped hobbies you loved, lost touch with people you loved and had fun with, you might not be able to afford to keep going to kick boxing and cooking cruises … all these things change you.

Use this time to start to relearn how to be you. Discard the parts of you that you collected along the way that you don’t like so much, and focus on the parts of you that you love. Do things that bring out your verve for life, your fun side, your aspirations and flights of fancy. Don’t let their affair turn you into a shriveled, angry, codependent shadow of yourself.

11. Let Go
Let GoI am not suggesting you give up if you harbor dreams of a future with your active cheater, but I am saying that you have to look at this eyes wide open. They’ve chosen. They’ve chosen their affair over your relationship, and I know how it hurts to read that. A good friend of mine told me, “You lost, accept it and move on.” Ouch. But he was 100% on point.

Clinging on to an active cheater will likely cause them to ricochet further into their affair, and further away from you. Let go. Start to focus on your own life – don’t hold onto theirs by stalking them (or the affair partner) on Facebook. Stop trying to stay involved in your cheater’s life and relationship by checking their phone, reading their emails, trying to engage them in meaningful discussions about your marriage. Don’t weaponize your kids against them. Let go.

A cheater may return, they may not. The question isn’t what they’re doing – the question is about YOU and YOUR life, and how you want to live.

Let go – start living in singledom – figure out how to fix the faucet, go where you want when you want, start living a life – plug back into who you are. Leave them to it. If they come back, it shouldn’t be automatic that you accept them – by then, you might prefer life without them, to life with them.

12. Affair Fog? It’s You Who’s in it!
Your emotions are a bad influence on you right now. I know, you feel how you feel and you can’t switch that off very easily, even if you wanted to. However, if you removed the emotions that are clouding this whole situation and really looked at your cheater, who they are, how they behaved when the chips were down, how they responded to your anguish, it’s probably an ugly picture.

Two questions I often pose in the Chat Room here, are these:

1. If you met this person (your active cheater) for the first time, and saw all of this in them, would you even date them, let alone commit your whole future to them?

I haven’t yet had a single person answer that affirmatively with any seriousness.

2. If you were a multi billionaire, would you be making the choices that you are currently making?

Again, I have yet to hear anyone answer that they would make identical choices.

Our responses to this mess are influenced by our emotional state, our circumstances, and our personal values. The problem with our emotional state affecting our responses is that our feelings change, they’re mutable. Positive or negative feelings can wax and wane, and as such, they’re a really poor foundation upon which to base your decisions.

The reality that you face of financial insecurity, dependence, your home, your children, your future, is real. Try to put aside your emotional clouding and make choices that improve on each of those situations, preparing for the eventuality that you could well be facing life without your cheater. Think of how you feel today as an illusion that will change with time … because your feelings will eventually change towards an active cheater flaunting their affair.

Your Future
You can’t predict your future, but you can make robust and sensible plans that will assure your security, well-being, and independence. You know your circumstances today, and you know if they provide you with independent means, an ability to provide yourself a home and support yourself without reliance on anyone else. If that is NOT where your life is, that is where to start heading. Your life and happiness is not contingent on your active cheater and THEIR choices.

Get your life on track and viable in its own right, and then, if your cheater comes to you, cap in hand, you will have a new kickass attitude, a new focus, and a new sense of self-worth that says, “You know what? If you think you’re a good potential mate for my future, prove it.” And who knows, by then you might be dating someone else, who has never cheated on anyone, and you might find you prefer it.

When your world implodes you have to adapt to survive and thrive. You have to seize the opportunity to become who you want to be, who you are proud to be, even if your newly shaped peg doesn’t fit into the mold of your old hole.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #120 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 02:07 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

Quote:
Originally Posted by drifter777 View Post

Very few BH's here on TAM will advocate that a man reconcile after she's been in a PA because our experience tells us it will not end well for either of them. Men will ruminate over the sexual aspect and never look at their wife the same again. They will never truly trust her. They will never believe that she didn't have other affairs that she will never reveal. The mind-movies and intrusive thoughts will destroy most men so we try to give them the benefit or our experiences and help them look beyond the immediate fear of losing the life they thought they had.

Many woman on infidelity forums deny the significant difference in the reaction and prognosis for healing based on BW vs. BH. I don't know why anyone wouldn't accept that there are radical differences the the psyche's of men and woman and so there are real differences in their responses.

Infidelity counselor Phillip Hodson put it this way and I think this says it all:

"For a betrayed woman, an affair is an offense against her dignity. For a betrayed man, it's an offense against his manhood. It goes right to the core of his identity."

QFT.

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid."

- Benjamin Franklin
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