The Unlikelihood of True Remorse - Page 13 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 444Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #181 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-17-2017, 11:18 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: In the fort behind the sofa
Posts: 6,117
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
Cheaters not only cheat on their Bs but their WHOLE family. Their affair also damages their kids as well. How can they tell their kids to be respectful and honest with any credibility after destroying their family like that?
That's why when a BS says "WS cheated but is a good parent" it makes me fume.


“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
Malaise is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #182 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-17-2017, 11:30 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4,112
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Malaise View Post
That's why when a BS says "WS cheated but is a good parent" it makes me fume.
Like I stated earlier how can a WS tell their children with any credibility to be honest and respect other people when they cheat - especially if they are serial cheaters or had a LTA??

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #183 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-18-2017, 01:56 PM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,894
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
No they don't which is why I feel zero sympathy for a cheater who becomes a madhatter - I think every cheater should feel that sting of betrayal as punishment fot what they did - and they deserve to.
I'm confused.... don't you mean "I feel zero sympathy for a cheater whose BS becomes a madhatter"?

To a degree, those thoughts to run through my mind from time to time. I was out alone, at a concert club - drinking, enjoying the music for the band I paid to see. Some nice looking women out there. But that is not what I went out there for. My WW didn't attend because she doesn't like the band and stayed home with our kid. I got the show's timing off, so instead of coming home at 11, it was after 2am. Anyway - I did text as I was enjoying my drunk (I rarely drink at the moment) "I'm intoxicated and it feels odd to be clubbing alone and not out to pick up chicks" (like when I was single). She had no response to that one

A) I can still perk some interests in women younger than my wife.
B) Ah, I have 30~40lbs to lose for my health, but would also make a severe difference in attracting the ladies since I can still pass for 37yrs old or so, as long as shave off my gray hairs
C) UGH.... I do think I am better than that.
D) I am considering bringing this up on our next MC session.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
 
post #184 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-18-2017, 02:25 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4,112
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
I'm confused.... don't you mean "I feel zero sympathy for a cheater whose BS becomes a madhatter"?

To a degree, those thoughts to run through my mind from time to time. I was out alone, at a concert club - drinking, enjoying the music for the band I paid to see. Some nice looking women out there. But that is not what I went out there for. My WW didn't attend because she doesn't like the band and stayed home with our kid. I got the show's timing off, so instead of coming home at 11, it was after 2am. Anyway - I did text as I was enjoying my drunk (I rarely drink at the moment) "I'm intoxicated and it feels odd to be clubbing alone and not out to pick up chicks" (like when I was single). She had no response to that one

A) I can still perk some interests in women younger than my wife.
B) Ah, I have 30~40lbs to lose for my health, but would also make a severe difference in attracting the ladies since I can still pass for 37yrs old or so, as long as shave off my gray hairs
C) UGH.... I do think I am better than that.
D) I am considering bringing this up on our next MC session.
I mean I have no sympathy for a cheater who gets cheated on - period. I've seen threads on other sites where WSs boldly declare they dont deserve to be BSs lol uh huh..sure...

If you didnt do anything when you were out - there is nothing to discuss...your WW crossed the line you didnt..

Another site has a "support" thread for WS's only - man is that an eye opener..it makes you truly believe even for those in R true remorse is indeed rare...these WWs who post in that thread are some pieces of work..nauseating..

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard

Last edited by Truthseeker1; 07-18-2017 at 02:31 PM.
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #185 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-18-2017, 02:39 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4,112
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Malaise View Post
That's why when a BS says "WS cheated but is a good parent" it makes me fume.
Do you think infidelity should be factored into custody arrangements if a divorce occurs?

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #186 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-18-2017, 03:19 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 493
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
If a person has sex once and immediately regrets it and comes clean to their spouse, takes full responsibility and then does all they can to rebuild the trust and be accountable, then I may believe that they are actually remorseful. If they went back and did it more than once, and were later found out, that is not remorse, that is being sorry you were found out.
The times that a cheater is honest and tells their spouse are rare. The times that they have sex only once is rare. True remorse is rare.
I really like this statement. My confusion is that cheating would happen in the first place. True remorse would seem to be identifying a situation that you immediately extract yourself from and confess a close call before it happened.

Is this a case of rationalizing a less rational act? Is cheating obeying simple genetic memory of reproducing?

Have thousands of years shown us we as society are far more successful in monogamy. Raising family. Are social extremists tearing proven social fabric apart resulting in single families, less marriages, open relationships? Did the devil make them do it? (Flip Wilson...)

I don't R or accept cheating. I just moved on.

I can control my urges.. generic memory to grab every babe in sight to reproduce/seduce have fun with and just focus that energy on the person I married. Ive resisted in-my face temptation more times I than can remember. These occurrences were not in inapproiate places. And while single or married.

Being just being married did not somehow stop my ways. I never lived that way in the first place. So I expect the same from my spouse.

There is no excuse for infidelity. I don't look For excuses or answers. For me, I move on.

--

@tears married the right guy. He found he did not. He moved on. I can relate. Sympathy here for her is clear and strong. I have much more sympathy for her marriage and her husband. Sucks.. I don't know why it happened. She never will either. Perhaps her cake eating failed. Perhaps it was surrendering to genetic memory. Doesn't matter to me.

Perhaps I'm just less gray area than others. Maybe that is a fault of mine. Ain't saying I am right or wrong. Just how I am.

The BS should be able to freely decide for themselves all outcomes of a cheating spouse. Its the WS that is subject to consequences whatever they are. It's their lives. Too complex for a single answer. Just up to the BS and their heart.
Dannip is offline  
post #187 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-18-2017, 03:22 PM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,894
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

I think so.

Infidelity should be a factor in how a divorce is handled. Just as proof is needed for physical assault or theft, evidence of infidelity SHOULD be allowed in court. "your wife cheated, she gets no alimony" and/or "she loses primary custody of children because of her actions shows she is not trustworthy".

Need to look as to why the laws on cheaters have changed in the 1970s. I think a LOT of cheater lawmakers (cough * congressmen * and *cough* local house reps*) are cheaters themselves and made laws to protect their own asses.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #188 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-18-2017, 03:39 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4,112
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
I think so.

Infidelity should be a factor in how a divorce is handled. Just as proof is needed for physical assault or theft, evidence of infidelity SHOULD be allowed in court. "your wife cheated, she gets no alimony" and/or "she loses primary custody of children because of her actions shows she is not trustworthy".

Need to look as to why the laws on cheaters have changed in the 1970s. I think a LOT of cheater lawmakers (cough * congressmen * and *cough* local house reps*) are cheaters themselves and made laws to protect their own asses.
Alimony should be out for a cheater and I think the divison of assets should favor the BS. I also support alienation of affection laws so you can sue the AP. Those too have been abolished in many jurisdictions. Not much justice in divorce law.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #189 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-18-2017, 04:03 PM
Member
 
Rocky Mountain Yeti's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 7,942
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
Alimony should be out for a cheater and I think the divison of assets should favor the BS. I also support alienation of affection laws so you can sue the AP. Those too have been abolished in many jurisdictions. Not much justice in divorce law.
... and if betrayal is proven, the wayward should also be financially liable for all the expenses required to prove the betrayal (private eye, VAR, software, etc).
Rocky Mountain Yeti is offline  
post #190 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-18-2017, 04:48 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4,112
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rocky Mountain Yeti View Post
... and if betrayal is proven, the wayward should also be financially liable for all the expenses required to prove the betrayal (private eye, VAR, software, etc).
Agree...from personal experience and from reading here and elsewhere true R from a WS is rare - ever read a WS self-righteously declare what good people they are? I've seen entire threads started by a WS letting other WSs know what good people they are. WTF?? I read one WS whose BS had an Ra and said they would have refused R if their Bs didn't admit they were wrong for having an RA...See how that works - it is always about them....


“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #191 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-18-2017, 08:47 PM
Member
 
She'sStillGotIt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Back east
Posts: 2,687
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
Agree...from personal experience and from reading here and elsewhere true R from a WS is rare - ever read a WS self-righteously declare what good people they are?
I usually don't read the Wayward crap because it bores me.

But I read a lot of BS posts who have 'reconciled' and they always claim their cheater is "truly remorseful." LOL. I think the term for that "remorse" should actually be, "my cheater is towing the line but has likely just become sneakier at cheating, and is behaving the way I want them to because they're afraid to be kicked out on their ass which is what they deserve."
She'sStillGotIt is offline  
post #192 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-18-2017, 08:58 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4,112
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
I usually don't read the Wayward crap because it bores me.

But I read a lot of BS posts who have 'reconciled' and they always claim their cheater is "truly remorseful." LOL. I think the term for that "remorse" should actually be, "my cheater is towing the line but has likely just become sneakier at cheating, and is behaving the way I want them to because they're afraid to be kicked out on their ass which is what they deserve."
If these folks are so healed and reconciled why are they haunting an infidelity board 10, 20 years later telling people about how great R is. The affair has obviously become a major part of their identity IMO. If your H or W cheated many years ago and you are still around - you are not healed IMO.

There is a WS only support thread - the amount of whining that goes on there is sickening. They complain about being called bad names after having an affair - in some cases multiple affairs. Are you f***ing serious? They like to throw the word "abuse" around as if being a serial cheater or having a LTA is not abuse? They whine about being isolated or that their BS is still mean to them. Its a pity party of people who made their own mess. It makes me realize the selfishness of the WS is really deep and rooting that out is very rare. So instead of taking a lover they get ego kibbles from other waywards and BSs online - that is still wayward behavior IMO.

What WSs don't realize is they have no credibility when discussing the morality of RAs, boundaries in marriage, etc.. The WS seems to set boundaries if they don't want to become a BS - see how that works? Then they pass it off as self-improvident and not hypocrisy The only thing that is perhaps almost as annoying is the BSs who enable them at that site.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard

Last edited by Truthseeker1; 07-18-2017 at 09:07 PM.
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #193 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-19-2017, 04:57 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 7,259
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hexagon View Post
I'm going to have to disagree with you there.
If I were to be married and come home and see that my wife made tuna casserole or something trivial and proceeded to beat the snot out of her, it would be criminal. I would rightfully go to jail and we would divorce. It would be a rather easy divorce i suspect.
I'd be criminally abusive.
Pretty black and white. (not getting into the discussion of why women stay in relationships like this.

But what about cheating. What about the long term damage this causes? This isn't a black eye that just goes away in a matter of days.
Its long term emotional abuse that sometimes never goes away? What about your own narcissistic tendencies? That too comes with an emotional abuse tag. The lies. The gaslighting. The discard.
What you do destroys lives.

Its long overdue that this be considered criminal. What about the mother that was mentioned that committed suicide? When someone causes that much pain and suffering to someone else, it needs to be recognized. There needs to be justice.
Yes that was my mother, and as you can imagine the fall out has greatly affected me and my brother also and my children who lost a wonderful grandmother when they were small. The ripples from adultery go out and damage so many. Its the most selfish cruel action.
Diana7 is offline  
post #194 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-19-2017, 05:02 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 7,259
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by karr99 View Post
Well, to know the chance of true remorse just enter SI Wayward Forum. They are doing great on the surface, they feel regret and empathy but boy, when the problem is getting serious, the true color emerge.

There's a serial cheater WH, had been cheating at least 4 times during 20 years of marriage. He feels betrayed (LOL) because his wife quit R after 8 months, he also feels angry because during those months he's worked so hard to change himself, even agreed to enter R without guarantee of forgiveness (he's entitled to it!) but wifey quits. WH also hopes to find happiness again in the future. It's all always been about him. What's even more sick is also almost everyone pat him on the back and said that he's been doing great job. One called his bullsh!t and off course, he got angry and he brought up everything that he had done again. I haven't visited that forum since
Good for her, I am amazed that she stayed that long.
Diana7 is offline  
post #195 of 302 (permalink) Old 07-19-2017, 07:14 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4,112
Re: The Unlikelihood of True Remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Good for her, I am amazed that she stayed that long.
@karr99 @Diana7 The BS at SI are as frustrating to read as the WSs. You know what you are dealing with when a BS whose WS had a multiyear affair is now making improvements and realize they have other options besides their WS. Well the "do gooders" at SI scream boundaries and tell the BS to treat their WS like a precious gem or some such nonesense andto mind their boundaries. When the first question would be - you just admitted your WS sabotaged your improvement for years and had lots of sex with their AP why are you staying? Dont you want to explore your options now? Is that being a good person or just a doormat?

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Are the divorce statistics true? becareful General Relationship Discussion 18 04-06-2016 11:26 PM
Is this true? stephscarlett Coping with Infidelity 88 03-14-2016 07:42 PM
"I want my husband back" was said to me Augusto Coping with Infidelity 300 02-15-2016 02:52 PM
May try to rebuild? idk. Next step LAPG123 Coping with Infidelity 81 02-07-2016 07:47 AM
For True Crime Fans SecondTime'Round The Social Spot 0 01-13-2016 12:27 PM

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome