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#82 ·
FloridaGuy123 said:
The end approaches. We had counseling tonight and the counselor asked a question in which our answers wildly diverged and made her look worse. Basically it was about how you perceive your attentiveness to your partner. She answered low-average and I answered very high. I think we were both being honest.

She came home later and told me that she disagrees with my answer (it was a "your perception" so ONLY my answer is valid, whatever, how can she debate my perception??) Then she tells me she is not happy and can't get happy and hints at divorce. I said that people have survived divorce, I still care about her and if we end up there, we both have a lot of living still to do.

Conversation moves on and I said "your mom got divorced and she isn't dead". Wife says "Yeah but there was a lot of anger and Mom is still bitter and I don't want to be that". So I said, "yeah but your dad was kind of a jerk, carrying on affairs etc. and while I may make lots of little mistakes I never make the really big ****ty structural ones" No change in expression or admission, but she agreed.

We talk some more and she said "I want someone who takes care of me that way I take care of you." I said, "what do you mean?" She said she wants someone who makes her doctor's appointments and gets groceries and takes care of me emotionally and financially." So I said

- We always knew your income would be higher. I reminded her that no one in her family makes 1/3 of what she makes, and that at my highest ever I made almost half, when we met, and that was a good income for most people. (She knew all this - this is not a surprise.) It took you a long time to get here, and it will take me a while to catch up as an entrepreneur. But we chose this, together. No one put a gun to her head.

- In fellowship I took very good care of you. I changed my whole life so you could just do fellowship and worry about little else. When you car got wrecked, I gave you mine and got around on foot and bike for months, in the WINTER, so you could hold off on buying one and we HAD the money. And I paid 24 months of rent plus security.

- I got most of the groceries and I literally did 100% of the laundry. She didn't even know how to work the machine. I found a dentist, made her appointments and canceled and rescheduled her several times. And I handled every veterinary appointment! (Seriously WTF? She told me sometimes I waited until she got home before I asked what I should get for dinner. It's true! I asked what she wanted. I didn't clairvoyantly figure it out in her absence)

She then said it feels like something in her head/heart snapped and she can't fix it. I gingerly asked if this might be a psychiatrist issue. She said possibly, but didn't love that line of conversation.

I said I'm not perfect but I have been a decent husband and certainly since this got serious, she has been the center of my universe. She actually said "that's not true. Back in the beginning you did some shady stuff". (Note: this is referring to when we started dating). So I said "yes, in the beginning, I was casually involved with people and had to unwind them. That was all done in early 2013, and we got engaged a year after that and married a year after THAT. You've certainly been front and center since long before engagement".

Note: Is she really beating up on me because in Month 3 of our relationship I didn't tell everyone I was off the market forever? Yes, we met Christmas, 2012, and in March 2013 I had sex with a different woman. That was the last time. We got engaged Spring 2014. WTF?

She said she wants a break. I didn't object - I said I'll find a place to go. I may just serve her with papers while on break.

I honestly just sat there thunderstruck. I have recordings of her talking to another dude!
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I read your whole thread. You are handling this as best as anyone has on these sad infidelity threads. Sh is fishing for nonsense in terms of marriage rewrites to justify her deceitfulness. Smile sweetly and tell her she wants a break she can leave. Tell her you are not going anywhere.
 
#83 ·
She's rewriting history to soothe her guilty conscience.

You can't be weak now or you'll be stuck in limbo long term. You also don't want to be in any position to beg her to love you or to be with you.

Swift action. Serve her. Reveal to her family what she's been doing. Expose and expose more!

Be strong! You can start living again instead of being treated terribly - her lying ability is skilled... she's scum. Seriously? She's trying to blame you? I'd like to slap her silly!

Don't waste your time with this liar anymore! Tell her you made your decision - you're done. Make sure you move money first (tonight!) and close her credit cards. She has some nerve!

I'm a woman and she's making women look bad.
 
#86 ·
I'm new here. First off, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I had something kind of similar happen to me several years ago. Secondly, I'm really impressed with the bulk of the advice that has been given. As I was reading the first post, I kept thinking "Don't let her know you know!" and was relieved that's where the discussion went. I knew something was going on before my ex knew. I didn't have proof of actual sex yet, but I knew there was a relationship of some sort. I started collecting emails and text messages. I waited awhile before confronting her with what I had collected. I didn't want to, emotionally, but I knew that's how it had to be played out.

FloridaGuy123 said:
HTML:
it hurt, but it was also strange. It was NOT (a) My husband sucks or (b) I can't wait for you to **** me again or (c) I'm so excited about our weekend away in Napa...or anything I thought might be there. It was the most mundane **** you can imagine. I'm waiting to hear about what a loser I am, or how awesome and fantastic this guy is, or all the wonderful stuff they're going to do together and it never happens. It's just inane blah blah blah. So it hurt, but it also evaporated any feelings that I was an inadequate husband.
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I can relate to this totally. Hadn't really thought about that aspect of the mess since it all happened. Weeks and weeks of emails, and most of the talk was just meh conversation. There was no dirty talk or complaining about spouses. If it were conversation between people I didn't know, it would have been boring, for the most part.


Someone mentioned using privacy of the affair as a bartering chip. Looking back, part of me wishes I had just told people what happened. My situation was different than yours, though, because we had two kids. I wanted to protect my kids, so I kept her affair secret from family and friends. I thought that would be best for my kids. I didn't hang "telling the kids" over her, but I think she went through the divorce very civil and fair because she knew I wasn't telling the kids, and if she tried to make things messy for me, that would probably not remain the case. Anyway, if it's important for her to save face, keeping it private might be in your best interest, strategically speaking. And, if you change your mind, you can always tell later. You can never change your mind and un-tell though.

You'll go through a wave of shifting emotions through the whole thing. During the "research phase" of uncovering a spouse's affair, your emotions are kind of covered up by the strategy of the hunt. Keep your game face on. It gets worse...and it gets better. I'm so glad I got divorced, and I was not someone who took divorce lightly. It was the best, healthiest thing for me. Play your cards right in this stage of the process, though.
 
#87 ·
PaulB said:
I'm new here. First off, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I had something kind of similar happen to me several years ago. Secondly, I'm really impressed with the bulk of the advice that has been given. As I was reading the first post, I kept thinking "Don't let her know you know!" and was relieved that's where the discussion went. I knew something was going on before my ex knew. I didn't have proof of actual sex yet, but I knew there was a relationship of some sort. I started collecting emails and text messages. I waited awhile before confronting her with what I had collected. I didn't want to, emotionally, but I knew that's how it had to be played out.



I can relate to this totally. Hadn't really thought about that aspect of the mess since it all happened. Weeks and weeks of emails, and most of the talk was just meh conversation. There was no dirty talk or complaining about spouses. If it were conversation between people I didn't know, it would have been boring, for the most part.


Someone mentioned using privacy of the affair as a bartering chip. Looking back, part of me wishes I had just told people what happened. My situation was different than yours, though, because we had two kids. I wanted to protect my kids, so I kept her affair secret from family and friends. I thought that would be best for my kids. I didn't hang "telling the kids" over her, but I think she went through the divorce very civil and fair because she knew I wasn't telling the kids, and if she tried to make things messy for me, that would probably not remain the case. Anyway, if it's important for her to save face, keeping it private might be in your best interest, strategically speaking. And, if you change your mind, you can always tell later. You can never change your mind and un-tell though.

You'll go through a wave of shifting emotions through the whole thing. During the "research phase" of uncovering a spouse's affair, your emotions are kind of covered up by the strategy of the hunt. Keep your game face on. It gets worse...and it gets better. I'm so glad I got divorced, and I was not someone who took divorce lightly. It was the best, healthiest thing for me. Play your cards right in this stage of the process, though.
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One day when they are old enough and ask, tell your kids. It's the right thing to do.
 
#88 ·
Don't be so sure your wife is having an exit affair. This may be one of those affairs where the WS just wants to have a fun outside of marriage. She may be shocked when you tell her you know and you want a divorce because she is arrogant enough to think she will never be caught. Also if you are as good looking as you say she may have never planned on losing you, just having her fun and never telling you.

Which means when you finally tell her she may do a 180 and promise the world to you. Don't fall for it, she is just like her father and not worth the potential of more pain in the future. One of thing if she is pregnant and you leave you better tell everyone including her mother, better they know that then they think you are abandoning your pregnant wife. Don't let that lie about you be the story. Though maybe she had an abortion, maybe that was why she was hysterical because she knew that was what she now had to do to keep he secret. Cheaters are the worst.

You are doing well, that is good as when you look back on this besides the pain you will at least be able to be proud of how you responded. Keep it up, it will get better, you being decisive will help it get better quicker.
 
#89 ·
She is desperately trying to justify her affair, that is clear. Do not fall for it and do not let her off the hook. It seems that it is important to her that she come out of this looking like the good guy!

Hang on to your evidence and get more if you can.

Take care and protect yourself!
 
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#90 ·
What your wife is doing - the bringing up minor or inconsequential stuff from 5-6 years ago - "you didn't stop dating the first day you met me" turning into "you've been pretty shady in this marriage"; the "you upended your whole life to focus solely on mine" turning into "you don't take care of me" - is normal for affairs like your wife's. It's called "rewriting history." By the way, she really and truly believes it. As the affair has heated up, she has gradually and surely coming up with excuses for herself about as to why she would do such a thing - justifying her actions.

It goes like this: "I'm not a 'bad' person - I'm a 'good' person. I HATE cheating and I HATE cheaters. The way my Dad cheated my Mom - I am NOT that person. I HATE what my Dad did. I am NOT like my Dad. But here I am, cheating. But it's not that bad. My husband probably is doing stuff, too. If he isn't having sex for 2-3 months with me, he must be doing it with someone else. And I know he actually WAS shady. He didn't tell the whole truth about his other girlfriends when we first met. And even though he upended his life for me, he probably liked it. Now he's coasting. He doesn't even have dinner ready for me when I come home." Blah blah blah blah blah.

This will be the end result after you are divorced, to any close friends, now or future, who delve into her with why her marriage crumbled: (1) My husband always was a bit shady, (2) My husband stopped loving me, (3) My husband started using me, (4) I suspected he was cheating, (5) I only started up having a friendship with another man AFTER my husband checked out, (6) It only turned romantic AFTER my marriage was already crumbling beyond repair, when it was already written on the wall."

I like your attitude. It doesn't sound like your wife is the type who apologizes. You brought up some pretty direct points to show her assertions were not true, and she didn't apologize at all. Still, I think you've got some chaos coming from her when you confront her, especially if the legal interactions bring out her adultery in the divorce process. Your wife may be intelligent and CAN be logical, but when it comes to the cheating, she will come right back to her childhood with how she felt with her Dad, and there will be some emotional fireworks. You'll be dealing with a child at that point.
 
#92 ·
Your wife is a cool customer.

However (clearly) so are you. She has no inkling that you know what you know.

Do not be surprised by this, but she is going to be stunned when she is served.

Also, it's time to stop the discussions. You are not going to gain anything by it except further glimpses into the madness of a wayward mind. In fact, stop initiating the discussion at all.

If she does, give her something like this:

"Discussions about fixing marriages are for two people who are committed to each other. Since that is clearly not the case, there's no point in having any discussion."

Then walk away.

Que the blameshifting, harping, etc.

"I'm not okay with blameshifting."

It really is time for the 180.


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk
 
#93 ·
FloridaGuy123 said:
We talk some more and she said "I want someone who takes care of me that way I take care of you." I said, "what do you mean?" She said she wants someone who makes her doctor's appointments and gets groceries and takes care of me emotionally and financially."
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Yeah, she'll be set for life with mr store manager. Jackpot. Unbelievable. Stay strong.
 
#95 ·
Sounds like you had a deep and emotional discussion with your wife. Unfortunately most people don't really listen under those circumstances.

Maybe write her a follow up card (theme of your choosing) with a copy of the picture of you two on the front steps and stating a few very brief points:
your conversation was disturbing on a number of levels ... you sound depressed like you've lost yourself (and possibly us) and want to assure her that you never committed adultery or deceived her, have always taken care of her (in all ways ... especially during her residency where you were the primary caregiver and support), moved to this town to accommodate her dream, and finally now wonder if her father had a similar conversation with her mother (or internal dialogue) where he rewrote history in order to justify his behavior?

Also, did your counselor instruct each of you to stop contact with opposite sex friends? It's impossible to focus on a relationship when there's someone else wedged between you.
 
#96 ·
I would like to add that the reason she will be stunned deals with the compartmentalization that is taking place.

The likely reason she is compartmentalizing to this degree is because subconsciously she does not believe the drivel she is spouting about your marriage, so she puts up barriers.

Serving her will shatter that barrier.

Historically speaking, there is good chance she will have that "WTF have I done?" moment. Don't be surprised if she pursues reconciliation with you...rather desperately.

That said, there are some factors that I think make the prospects of reconciliation (beyond her FOO issues) rather dim even if she has that WTF moment...namely, your earning power.

In fairness, if I were in your position, I would be done with a capital D. However, my view of this is from the cheap seats.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk
 
#97 ·
I tend to think your STBXW has so compartmentalized, that she does not really see consequences. She has already discounted FloridaGuy, but really is not dealing with the cognitive dissonance. She has a loser that manages a store, and will willingly throw everything away for a loser. She has a good guy at home who subsidized her complete existence, and now will pay dearly to walk away from.

FloridaGuy, I have had a lot of good men sit across my desk from me and ask what in the name of all that is holy did they do to cause the one person they trusted implicitly, the one who they supported and encouraged, to turn on them, and treat them with contempt. To them, I have always said, it sounds petty, but get them back. In your case, once all is said and done, I would go up to Mr. Store Manager, and let him know that head office will find out he was banging a customer, and caused a divorce. They would not want that getting in the newspapers, and he will be terminated. No ifs ands or buts about it. Her? Your lawyer should do the dirty work, but take as much money as you can. Be greedy. Let her understand wrath.
 
#98 · (Edited)
OutofRetirement said:
What your wife is doing - the bringing up minor or inconsequential stuff from 5-6 years ago - "you didn't stop dating the first day you met me" turning into "you've been pretty shady in this marriage"; the "you upended your whole life to focus solely on mine" turning into "you don't take care of me" - is normal for affairs like your wife's. It's called "rewriting history." By the way, she really and truly believes it. As the affair has heated up, she has gradually and surely coming up with excuses for herself about as to why she would do such a thing - justifying her actions.

It goes like this: "I'm not a 'bad' person - I'm a 'good' person. I HATE cheating and I HATE cheaters. The way my Dad cheated my Mom - I am NOT that person. I HATE what my Dad did. I am NOT like my Dad. But here I am, cheating. But it's not that bad. My husband probably is doing stuff, too. If he isn't having sex for 2-3 months with me, he must be doing it with someone else. And I know he actually WAS shady. He didn't tell the whole truth about his other girlfriends when we first met. And even though he upended his life for me, he probably liked it. Now he's coasting. He doesn't even have dinner ready for me when I come home." Blah blah blah blah blah.

This will be the end result after you are divorced, to any close friends, now or future, who delve into her with why her marriage crumbled: (1) My husband always was a bit shady, (2) My husband stopped loving me, (3) My husband started using me, (4) I suspected he was cheating, (5) I only started up having a friendship with another man AFTER my husband checked out, (6) It only turned romantic AFTER my marriage was already crumbling beyond repair, when it was already written on the wall."
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I was about to write something like Outofretirement but they did it better than I could.

For practical reasons, that I mentioned in a previous post, the day to day services you provide are very valuable to a busy surgeon.

IMO her primary motivation to divorce you would be to clean things up. She will think that if you end up divorced why does it really matter when her affair started. She is still a good person.

I would keep gathering evidence. She will do everything that a WS does when confronted. Her motivation will not be to avoid divorce but to remain a good person. She will trickle truth you. “We only kissed, etc.”

I’m all about setting the record straight. A good way to do that is to write her a letter with the following. Don’t do it in a negative or complaining way. Do it in a positive way in that you were glad to do all those things because you were a team and cared for her so much.
Robert22205 said:
Maybe write her a follow up card (theme of your choosing) with a copy of the picture of you two on the front steps and stating a few very brief points:
your conversation was disturbing on a number of levels ... you sound depressed like you've lost yourself (and possibly us) and want to assure her that you never committed adultery or deceived her, have always taken care of her (in all ways ... especially during her residency where you were the primary caregiver and support), moved to this town to accommodate her dream.
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Do it now before she finds out that you know about her affair.
 
#99 ·
sokillme said:
first talk to an attorney to know your rights. Then don't confront her just ghost her and let your lawyer take her for all she is worth. Push hard for alimony or at least have her pay you back for your businesses but again let her lawyer do that. What i am saying is get all your stuff ready and then one day just move out and ghost, you can leave a short letter like, i know you are having an affair with so and so, i expect to be compensated justly for all the expense i put into your schooling, then leave your proof. Leave a half empty apartment and your ring on the table with a copy of divorce papers and the number of your attorney. Block all ways of contact. Tell your family and hers what happened and move on with your life. Never talk to her again ever. You will heal faster and she will never get closure which is a pain she deserves. This really the only way to get some sort of justice as far as i see it.

here is a list i put together of the ones who did it right.

pay attention to the last link on the first post. That's the way to do it.

The ones who are not nice do the best, it gives them immediate control over their life back. Seems you have no kids so there really isn't any reason to be. Unfortunately you picked bad this time. That's life, it happens to most people but see her for what she is which is not worth another minute of your time.
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this !!!!
 
#100 ·
Dear Florida,

I’ve following your thread, and I’m very sorry you are going through this “stuff.” I would like to offer you my opinion on the process you should take. First and most important, “I WOULDN’T LEAVE MY HOME”!!! Your wife is the one that is having an affair and has chosen to take a break from the marriage. I would serve her immediately because you have the evidence you need and you are totally sure of the affair and the deep relationship with the OM.

It is my opinion to have her served at her place of employment ASAP. After she is served, I would proceed with the following steps.

1.) Approach the OM and inform him of your knowledge of the affair.
2.) I would visit my MIL to inform her of her daughters (like her father) activities with the OM.
3.) I would purposely divulge the information to all friends and relatives.

When you file, you must be willing to go the distance. You have invested a great deal in the marriage and her career and don’t be afraid to get what you deserve. You are entitled to her income, 401 and future earnings. YOU ARE ENTITLED!!!!!

You can always stop the divorce process if conditions changes. Move forward.

Best Dreamer.
 
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Wolfman1968
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