3.No, I want her to tell me. I told her if you ever meet somebody else, just tell me is all I ask. She flew off the handle when I said that to her. What am most angry at hear is the possible deception. I used to date an EX hooker years ago. Turned out she was the most honest woman I have ever had a relationship with. She would tell me everything. Sometimes it hurt but at least I knew.
Here I don't know what is going on.
4. She does not have to act like she is in a real marriage. We could come to some other arrangement or divorce. I just want to know the hell is going on.
See, this is what I have been saying. Primarily because of your ambivalence. I would feel the same under the circumstances.
I almost never advocate having a heart to heart with a cheater because (one they have no heart), and it only serves to warn them, and they then take it more underground and become more careful.
But I kind of feel like after some evidence gathering necessitated because of the imminent likely physical escalation, that at some point you really should tell her how you feel, and your concerns about this guy in a vulnerable and honest way.
Offer her that if this is inevitable, than she can do it in as honest and as honorable a way as possible and hurt you the less.
You dont have to tell her at the time that this door swings both ways and/or assures a divorce.
You can't predict how you will feel or make any promises.
At least you could gauge her reaction this way. Does she dismiss it, or does she make a few inquiries, i.e. "so you would be ok with that", "do you think you could handle that", etc?
You can call her on it later if it is useful and necessary.
Although if she was very dismissive or flies off the handle, I might put her in a no win situation assuming my gut is true and say, "I am sorry to see that you are choosing the path of dishonesty and betrayal.", and then dismiss her protestations.
I would then have her served and ever refuse to discuss it if it got to that point.