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post #91 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 08:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
You're just proof of what I always say - most men will stay in a miserable marriage as long as they can, and use all kinds of ridiculous excuses to do so because they're too damned afraid to go out in the world and fend for themselves. And that's why women initiate 75% of divorces in the US. You're the reason WHY.

Not surprised that you're clinging like grim death to this slow-motion train wreck of a marriage.

But the childish nonsense about cheating and not using a condom sounds like something an 18 year old teenager would say. Your marriage sucks but you don't have to be a tool and possibly pick up an STD to spread around or worse yet, knock up some woman you pick up off Craigslist or meet in a bar because of it. Jesus.

If you want to stay in a sham of a marriage, that's your business. But you're expecting her to act like someone whose IN a real marriage when she's not.

You can't suck and blow at the same time.
1. Despite what I said I highly doubt I would cheat on her out of revenge. If I did I wouldn't use a condom I have hardly ever used them. I was just angry when I wrote that comment.

2. Men cheat because they can't keep their dik in their pants. Women cheat because they cant keep the legs closed. Now in both cases they come up with all kinds of BS excuses to jusfity the choices they have made. It does not matter how alpha the man is (I have two relatives one a top lawyer and the other an international sports team coach. Both at the top of their respective fields and their wives cheated on them with lesser males. Likewise a woman could be a super model and a man will still cheat using some lame ass excuse.

3.No, I want her to tell me. I told her if you ever meet somebody else, just tell me is all I ask. She flew off the handle when I said that to her. What am most angry at hear is the possible deception. I used to date an EX hooker years ago. Turned out she was the most honest woman I have ever had a relationship with. She would tell me everything. Sometimes it hurt but at least I knew.
Here I don't know what is going on.

4. She does not have to act like she is in a real marriage. We could come to some other arrangement or divorce. I just want to know the hell is going on.

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post #92 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 08:30 AM
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

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Originally Posted by TheDudeLebowski View Post
All this advice just seems counterproductive. What is the point really of all of this? This is why I tend to stay out of the infidelity forums. If you have to get a VAR, take your spouses phone, check all your bills, use a GPS tracker, spy through friends... All this advice that regularly comes up that people put weeks of effort into, the marriage is already toast. It's OVER!
When your marriage is suffering from a hundred cuts and none of them are sufficient enough to properly put it to death, a final death blow is needed.

A final shot, the smoking gun as witness.

If Kettle can prove infidelity decisively, he can die and be reborn.

He presently remains in bleak, cold, barren Siberia.

Prove infidelity.

VAR, VAR, VAR......Dive, Dive, Dive....Dig.


Get the proof to finish this dime store novel.

Find the guilty straw.Lay it atop the red flag heap.

Break your splay-legged marital-camels back.



TT-1

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #93 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 08:35 AM
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

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I will get screwed over in this divorce. My wife comes from a family of lawyers. One of whom is a top divorce attorney in the state. She siblings and relatives who work for one of the top 100 law firms in the country. One has argued two cases before the state supreme court and won. .
All the more reason to have your ducks in a row and not make any mistakes.

Except for leveraging information for a specific outcome, or controlling the narrative or spin for reputation sake, say for professional viability for example, a lot of it is divorce by the numbers.

Consulting a good tough lawyer as soon as you know action is on the horizon is paramount.

Any lawyers you have a consult with will be off limits to her but you cant take that too far.

Who knows how honorable and confidential any of them are. Did I really just write that?

Pardon me for asking if you have answered already. Of the two of you who earns more.

Does she work 12 hour shifts, and how many days a week?

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Last edited by Decorum; 08-23-2018 at 01:43 PM.
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post #94 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 08:58 AM
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

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Originally Posted by kettle View Post

3.No, I want her to tell me. I told her if you ever meet somebody else, just tell me is all I ask. She flew off the handle when I said that to her. What am most angry at hear is the possible deception. I used to date an EX hooker years ago. Turned out she was the most honest woman I have ever had a relationship with. She would tell me everything. Sometimes it hurt but at least I knew.
Here I don't know what is going on.

4. She does not have to act like she is in a real marriage. We could come to some other arrangement or divorce. I just want to know the hell is going on.
See, this is what I have been saying. Primarily because of your ambivalence. I would feel the same under the circumstances.

I almost never advocate having a heart to heart with a cheater because (one they have no heart), and it only serves to warn them, and they then take it more underground and become more careful.

But I kind of feel like after some evidence gathering necessitated because of the imminent likely physical escalation, that at some point you really should tell her how you feel, and your concerns about this guy in a vulnerable and honest way.

Offer her that if this is inevitable, than she can do it in as honest and as honorable a way as possible and hurt you the less.

You dont have to tell her at the time that this door swings both ways and/or assures a divorce.

You can't predict how you will feel or make any promises.

At least you could gauge her reaction this way. Does she dismiss it, or does she make a few inquiries, i.e. "so you would be ok with that", "do you think you could handle that", etc?

You can call her on it later if it is useful and necessary.

Although if she was very dismissive or flies off the handle, I might put her in a no win situation assuming my gut is true and say, "I am sorry to see that you are choosing the path of dishonesty and betrayal.", and then dismiss her protestations.

I would then have her served and ever refuse to discuss it if it got to that point.

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Last edited by Decorum; 08-23-2018 at 09:23 AM.
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post #95 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 09:17 AM
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

This may have been said already, but your wife may be trying to get your attention and make you jealous. An effort to breath life into the dying marriage.

Seems to me instead of giving up you should both be learning what each other's needs are and meeting them. Spending time together doing exciting things. Romancing the stone and what not.
Read marriage books and take action to fix this. Be a problem-solver not an avoider and quitter.
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post #96 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 09:52 AM
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

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Originally Posted by kettle View Post
I will get screwed over in this divorce. My wife comes from a family of lawyers. One of whom is a top divorce attorney in the state. She siblings and relatives who work for one of the top 100 law firms in the country. One has argued two cases before the state supreme court and won.
@VermiciousKnid, would retaining another lawyer at the same firm prevent this relative from representing the ww?


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Speed is your friend. Its better to stop a train wreck than clean one up.
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post #97 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 11:53 AM
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

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Originally Posted by kettle View Post
1.Helicopter guy is not a pilot. He is a paramedic in the back of the medical evacuation chopper. Now I also looked at the company website and it states they can give "ride alongs" to emergency room personnel which my wife is as she is a nurse at the hospital.

2. Discovered wife had an extra 5000 dollars of credit card debt she tried to keep from me. Some from before we were married and some just after.

3. 2-3 weeks ago I found a credit card when I was going to buy stuff for our camping trip. Wife said grab it out of my purse. I pulled out the "wrong" one. She looked startled and said of that is an old before we were married and does not work. So, 3 minutes ago I tried it online hoping it would not work. Surprise, surprise it worked! Card is still active despite the lie she told me.


4. A couple of days after she blurted out about "cute big guy" and about an hour after we had sex she said hugged me and said "your the only one for me." Maybe nothing but I though unusual considering the comment a couple of days earlier.
1) Ride alongs are fine. The problem is he is using it to get to your wife.

2) Big huge red flag. The fact she would hide something like this is not just a lie but an indication of her basic roadmap for your marriage. In her mind it is ok to lie to you when she doesn't want you to know something. In this case it is something which may have been a deal-breaker for you. She is ok with manipulating you via lies to get what she wants even when she knows you would oppose it. This is financial infidelity as well as basic dishonesty (which violates her vows and is thus an infidelity).

3) Her financial infidelity continues, as she keeps this previous account going so that she can spend without your knowledge. She is lying to you by hiding it. And, she is obligating your labors to pay off the debt which she is accruing.

4) Yup, as others have said she is love bombing you. She is manipulating you with sex. This woman is in no way trustworthy, loyal, or loving.
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post #98 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 11:57 AM
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

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Originally Posted by kettle View Post
No going to be easy to get phone as she has it with her most of the time. Also a very light sleeper.
My WS was the same. I will tell you how I found out about her affiar.

I was not really suspecting a PA. I was too sure that she would NEVER do that while married. I was 100% sure.

Then I had an infection and I was on medication for which drinking even a tiny bit of alcohol would cause a severe reaction. At that time, we both were in the habit of drinking before bed. Sometimes a lot. I had to stop but of course she kept drinking.

One of these nights, I hear her phone buzzing. I see it is a text from her AP. At the time I thought it was an EA and she been letting me monitor her phone to confirm that it was an EA. I'm sure now the AP and WS had a system worked out where they would only say incriminating things when WS could delete them before I could find them. So this time though, she had passed out drunk while still texting the AP. I would have been as well except for the medication.

So I saw it. A series of texts discussing that she was pregnant and that it was possible that it was the AP's child. Ugh.

Moral of the story, get your W drunk and stay sober, then check out her phone.
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post #99 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 11:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
When your marriage is suffering from a hundred cuts and none of them are sufficient enough to properly put it to death, a final death blow is needed.

A final shot, the smoking gun as witness.

If Kettle can prove infidelity decisively, he can die and be reborn.

He presently remains in bleak, cold, barren Siberia.

Prove infidelity.

VAR, VAR, VAR......Dive, Dive, Dive....Dig.


Get the proof to finish this dime store novel.

Find the guilty straw.Lay it atop the red flag heap.

Break your splay-legged marital-camels back.



TT-1
Yes, I want validation here to move on. I know she is lying about the finances.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Decorum View Post
All the more reason to have your ducks in a row and not make any mistakes.

Except for leveraging information for a specific outcome, or controlling the narrative or spin for reputation sake, say for professional viability for example, a lot of it is divorce by the numbers.

Consulting a good tough lawyer as soon as you know action is on the horizon is paramount.

Any lawyers you have a consult with will be off limits to her but you cant take that too far.

Who knows honorable and confidential any of them are. Did I really just write that?

Pardon me for asking if you have answered already. Of the two of you who earns more.

Does she work 12 hour shifts, and how many days a week?
We earn around the same. She works 3 12 hour shifts on average.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Decorum View Post
See, this is what I have been saying. Primarily because of your ambivalence. I would feel the same under the circumstances.

I almost never advocate having a heart to heart with a cheater because (one they have no heart), and it only serves to warn them, and they then take it more underground and become more careful.

But I kind of feel like after some evidence gathering necessitated because of the imminent likely physical escalation, that at some point you really should tell her how you feel, and your concerns about this guy in a vulnerable and honest way.

Offer her that if this is inevitable, than she can do it in as honest and as honorable a way as possible and hurt you the less.

You dont have to tell her at the time that this door swings both ways and/or assures a divorce.

You can't predict how you will feel or make any promises.

At least you could gauge her reaction this way. Does she dismiss it, or does she make a few inquiries, i.e. "so you would be ok with that", "do you think you could handle that", etc?

You can call her on it later if it is useful and necessary.

Although if she was very dismissive or flies off the handle, I might put her in a no win situation assuming my gut is true and say, "I am sorry to see that you are choosing the path of dishonesty and betrayal.", and then dismiss her protestations.

I would then have her served and ever refuse to discuss it if it got to that point.
I would probably wait till I get more evidence before I bring it up to her. If I have no evidence she will totally fly off the handle I sure of that.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick Blaine View Post
This may have been said already, but your wife may be trying to get your attention and make you jealous. An effort to breath life into the dying marriage.

Seems to me instead of giving up you should both be learning what each other's needs are and meeting them. Spending time together doing exciting things. Romancing the stone and what not.
Read marriage books and take action to fix this. Be a problem-solver not an avoider and quitter.
I have wondered about this. She just bought No More Mr Nice Guy. Don't know if she will read it or not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nucking Futs View Post
@VermiciousKnid, would retaining another lawyer at the same firm prevent this relative from representing the ww?
Good question. Although there is no way I could afford a lawyer from this firm. These lawyers at this firm are making 500k per year.
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post #100 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 11:58 AM
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

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Originally Posted by Broken_in_Brooklyn View Post
Kettle,
2) That credit card, clearly the monthly bills are either online or going to her job. If online is she using a computer at home? If so install spyware. Run a credit check on her. You have her SS number on your tax returns. That will tell you what she is listing as a home address, like the hospital. You might find other debt she is creating behind your back. Myself, I would figure a way to to get a list of all the charges going back as far as you 2 were married.
Two specific comments about the credit card. First, get all the back records because it may show she has been cheating. What has she purchased and where? Sexy underwear never seen at home? Hotel rooms? Second, run a credit report on her. The credit bureaus give a free report. You will need her SS #, and you may be asked multiple choice questions like which address or which car loan did she have in the last 5 years. Strictly speaking it may not be legal for you to pull her report, idk. As a spouse maybe? Anyhow, it is what I would do. Other debt or other bank accounts may show up.

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post #101 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 12:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

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Two specific comments about the credit card. First, get all the back records because it may show she has been cheating. What has she purchased and where? Sexy underwear never seen at home? Hotel rooms? Second, run a credit report on her. The credit bureaus give a free report. You will need her SS #, and you may be asked multiple choice questions like which address or which car loan did she have in the last 5 years. Strictly speaking it may not be legal for you to pull her report, idk. As a spouse maybe? Anyhow, it is what I would do. Other debt or other bank accounts may show up.
Ok I just called our bank. A couple of months they pulled both our credit reports as we were considering buying a new house. So I know they pulled them. Just called the loan officer to see if I can go in and see them. It was the loan officer who first raised the red flags about her outstanding debts.


The credit card is from capital one so I don't know how to see what she bought there.
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post #102 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 12:12 PM
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

Kettle, you seem to reaching in a grab bag of excuses why you're staying married to a woman you state you don't want to be with. Why don't you do a couple of things to straighten out our confusion.

1. Give us the real reason you keep holding on for dear life.

2. Tell us what you are going to do if you garner conclusive proof that she sleeping with any other guy besides you. If you're not going to do anything except complain about it, tell us that.

Right now you sound analogous to abused spouse who's having the police show up on a regular basis but refuses to press charges.

"The facts have never mattered less than they do today. We're living in a time where the truth has been so diminished in value, even those at the top of government (and the media) are quite comfortable with the truth being whatever they can convince people to believe",
Raymond Reddington.
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post #103 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 12:15 PM
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
When your marriage is suffering from a hundred cuts and none of them are sufficient enough to properly put it to death, a final death blow is needed.

A final shot, the smoking gun as witness.

If Kettle can prove infidelity decisively, he can die and be reborn.

He presently remains in bleak, cold, barren Siberia.

Prove infidelity.

VAR, VAR, VAR......Dive, Dive, Dive....Dig.


Get the proof to finish this dime store novel.

Find the guilty straw.Lay it atop the red flag heap.

Break your splay-legged marital-camels back.



TT-1
Yeah I still don't get it. Staying up all night agonizing. Plotting this and that to catch them in lies. Especially where words have already been spoken about only being together for the kid.

I don't understand this need to know. The marriage is toast when you go down this path of spying, tracking, plotting this and that. Its done. The need to know seems masochistic to me. Like all that you are doing by digging is a little bit of pain shopping, and avoiding the inevitable.

If my devils are to leave me, I'm afraid my angels will take flight as well.
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post #104 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 12:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

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Originally Posted by VladDracul View Post
Kettle, you seem to reaching in a grab bag of excuses why you're staying married to a woman you state you don't want to be with. Why don't you do a couple of things to straighten out our confusion.

1. Give us the real reason you keep holding on for dear life.

2. Tell us what you are going to do if you garner conclusive proof that she sleeping with any other guy besides you. If you're not going to do anything except complain about it, tell us that.

Right now you sound analogous to abused spouse who's having the police show up on a regular basis but refuses to press charges.
1. I don't have conclusive proof yet. I might be wrong. Also Perhaps fear and co dependency. I also am scared wife may end up with somebody who is abusive to my daughter. I had an abusive stepfather growing up. Do not want that for little girl.


2. Great question. I don't know exactly.

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Originally Posted by TheDudeLebowski View Post
Yeah I still don't get it. Staying up all night agonizing. Plotting this and that to catch them in lies. Especially where words have already been spoken about only being together for the kid.

I don't understand this need to know. The marriage is toast when you go down this path of spying, tracking, plotting this and that. Its done. The need to know seems masochistic to me. Like all that you are doing by digging is a little bit of pain shopping, and avoiding the inevitable.
I know you are right. If I was an outsider looking in I would also GTFO now!
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post #105 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-23-2018, 12:31 PM
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Re: "Cute big guy at work" OOOPs said to much?

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Originally Posted by TheDudeLebowski View Post
Do people really think that once you go down this path of spygate on your spouse that the marriage is salvageable at all? You are just prolonging the inevitable IMO.
Sometimes there is an innocent explanation for what really happened. Sometimes one spouse is starting to get off the path but there is time to correct things.

Doing some investigation can be helpful in saving a marriage and helping it become a good marriage. But I do agree with you in many cases when there is known infidelity or other known big problems that the investigation does not provide a route to a happier outcome than simply moving to divorce now.
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