Gut feeling and too many red flags - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 446Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 11:38 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 34
Gut feeling and too many red flags

About two years ago (2016), on DH’s phone, I stumbled upon a text message exchange between my Darling Husband and his half brother, arguing about some family issues. His half brother texted angrily something to Darling Husband, to the effect that ‘I’m not the one sleeping with other women and hiding it from my wife’.

The text blew me off, and when I questioned Darling Husband about what it meant, he said his brother was looking to create trouble in our marriage. In all fairness, the two have had a rocky relationship. So I believed Darling Husband and forgot about it.

Later (2017), he was seen at a hotel (or a club) with a woman, he had an explanation ( said was having fun with his niece in college and her friends). The niece confirmed this, with a caveat that one of the girls, let’s call her Jane, was not really her friend but was rather shady.

A few months later, in another argument by text with a different family member, Darling Husband was again accused of sleeping with other women under the guise of helping them out financially. This was through a text message again, found on DH’s phone. Same explanation again. I did not pursue it further since his family has plenty of in-fighting and can be brutal to each other. However, the alarm bells started going off at this point.

Later, around the same time, I encountered some call logs in our joint cell phone statement. Darling Husband had been chatting with someone for several hours almost weekly. When I asked, he said it was a female family friend, Jane, needing money, which he promptly wired. He assured me it was that one time and promised he wouldn’t do it again.

Last week, we had a destination wedding in his home town for his uncle. There was a strange woman (Jane) looking rather isolated from the guests. Someone blurted out, ‘Oh, no, she’s here, this might get ugly’, then immediately clammed shut when they noticed me within earshot. After the wedding, I noticed that the woman lingered on after all guests had left. Darling Husband assured me that his family are apparently friends with her family. She’s the only one who attended from her family. She ignored Darling Husband, and he also avoided her like the plague, which was a HUGE red flag because he’s extremely outgoing and was chatting up with all the guests. By this time I was livid, started putting two and two together after having spent the whole day reflecting upon everything. I watched the two throughout and had a miserable time at the wedding. At the wedding reception, another of his brothers said ‘why would Jane come here?’. To add salt to the injury, Jane followed the family to a private evening party, and sat alone in a corner, isolated. DH continued to ignore her the whole time while speaking with everyone else. Later, Jane slipped away unnoticed into the night.

That night at our hotel while Darling Husband was asleep, I found several wire transfer transactions in his email. Dozens of cash transfers to Jane. I woke Darling Husband up and confronted him. He said he didn’t want to upset me that’s why he kept the wires a secret. He said he hasn’t been seeing Jane, she’s a young girl that has financial problems and he felt sorry for her. He told me I was cold and didn’t have a heart. We argued the whole night and he refused to answer any questions about Jane, sticking with his story that she’s in financial trouble and he’s helping.

I demanded that he calls Jane. At first he resisted, but I took his phone and dialed. It went to voicemail. He seemed relieved. The following morning there was a text from Jane saying she missed his call, is everything ok?

I feel like his whole family knows about Jane and I’m the only one in the dark. I always felt something was off since 2016, but couldn’t put a finger on it. My heart is breaking and I have two kids to consider.

We are still arguing, Darling Husband is sticking to his story and denies that he’s sleeping with Jane. I have asked for his financial statements from 2016 to date, he refused. I demanded he calls Jane in my presence, he refused. He refuses a polygraph test too. Instead, I’m the bad person for ‘not trusting him.’ He’s refused to talk about it.

Later, I sat Darling Husband down to ask more questions about everything. He now says that the money was for a business plan that Jane had, a transport business for consignment designer shoes for women. I asked him why I was not included in this business arrangement, but he had no answer. I asked him how much he sent to Jane in total, he gave me a vague number but will not back it up by showing me his financial statements. He even said his niece is on board and knows about this business arrangement. I asked him who else knows, he said just the niece and no one else. I asked him where the incorporation paperwork is, tax IDs and the like. He said Jane did not deliver as agreed, and he has been conned of his money (Jane is now a con-lady?). I sat there, looked at him lying, and mentally planned my next steps. I don’t know whether to feel angry or upset anymore, especially since he has a story for everything and I know he’s lying and will not take his word for anything. I look at him and wonder if this is the same guy I’ve been married to for over 14 years. It’s surreal. He doesn’t want me to call anyone i.e. his niece, Jane, etc. That alone tells me everything I need to know. I have been such a fool for so long. I feel so isolated. How do get the truth?


Last edited by shakazulu; 01-02-2019 at 11:43 AM.
shakazulu is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 11:51 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 41
Re: Gut feeling and too many red flags

Keep asking for the financial statements and polygraph. If he doesnt comply file for divorce and ask for financial statements as divorce documentation. He will lie because there are no consequences.
My 8 year mistake is offline  
post #3 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 11:52 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 41
Re: Gut feeling and too many red flags

And dont expect the entire truth. You would never get it.
My 8 year mistake is offline  
 
post #4 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 11:58 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 34
Re: Gut feeling and too many red flags

Do you think I should call Jane to get her side of the story?
shakazulu is offline  
post #5 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 12:00 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,852
Re: Gut feeling and too many red flags

Quote:
Originally Posted by shakazulu View Post
How do get the truth?
Go to a divorce lawyer and get paperwork drawn up. Go to him with the papers in hand and tell him to immediately show his financial statements or you will file for divorce. Do it during the week so you can go to the bank or accountant if necessary to see the statements. Don't give him any time to clean things up. Don't let him out of your sight or else he'll call the accountant to fake things. If he doesn't agree, then that's all the truth you need.
wilson is offline  
post #6 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 12:19 PM
Member
 
One Eighty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: EST
Posts: 236
Re: Gut feeling and too many red flags

Although it seems you have enough evidence to hang him ten times over, you resist believing it. I'm not surprised. I did this myself.

That being said, listen to people here who have been there and done that. Don't do as we did, do as we say!

There is a thread here on gathering evidence, if you really feel you need more. Perhaps you do need it just to shut him up with his ridiculous denials. If that is the case check out the gathering evidence thread.

A voice activated recorder (VAR) should be particularly helpful to you. They are not expensive. If you can afford it, private investigators are even more helpful.
One Eighty is offline  
post #7 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 12:32 PM
Member
 
Andy1001's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 6,391
Re: Gut feeling and too many red flags

Tell him you are seeing a lawyer and his financial records will be subpoenaed and he can expect to be served soon.
Andy1001 is offline  
post #8 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 01:07 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 9,433
Re: Gut feeling and too many red flags

You already know the truth. Are you ok with there being another woman in your marriage? If not, then file for divorce, because your H is so far in denial and affair fog that you aren't ever going to get the truth from him. Even if it turned out that he isn't really sleeping with her, he is still putting another woman as priority over you and lying to you, AND giving away your money (collective "you", as in from the marriage) so that is enough infidelity in itself to warrant you filing for divorce. Stop asking him questions and take some action instead.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Last edited by 3Xnocharm; 01-02-2019 at 01:27 PM.
3Xnocharm is online now  
post #9 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 01:18 PM
Member
 
Rocky Mountain Yeti's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 7,942
Re: Gut feeling and too many red flags

Too many red flags does not require a gut feeling to back it up.

Gut feelings are things you get in the absence of evidence.

It sounds like you have both.

Time to go high order nuclear on his ass.
Rocky Mountain Yeti is offline  
post #10 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 01:21 PM
Member
 
Rubix Cubed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,659
Re: Gut feeling and too many red flags

@shakazulu

If your husband is so worried and "invested" in her, how does he reconcile that with completely ignoring her at the wedding and after party?
You know what's up here. Your husband is a liar, and a bad one at that.


"But I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd."

Standard evidence gathering thread
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
The 180
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Rubix Cubed is offline  
post #11 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 03:52 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 433
Re: Gut feeling and too many red flags

These women are probably prostitutes. A little western union here.... a little paying your electric bill there.... so on and so on. I have a client who is a "sender" like this. Seems the local meth *****s like to transact this way.

How did Jane look to you? Kind of rough?

Last edited by MattMatt; 01-02-2019 at 09:09 PM.
it-guy is offline  
post #12 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 04:01 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 34
Re: Gut feeling and too many red flags

"How did Jane look to you? Kind of rough?"

I wish. Jane looked kind of hot, but in a ****ty way.
shakazulu is offline  
post #13 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 04:06 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 9,433
Re: Gut feeling and too many red flags

If his whole family knows about her, why haven't you reached out to one of them?? Do you have such a bad relationship with every one of them that you don't feel a single one would tell you if you asked?

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
3Xnocharm is online now  
post #14 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 04:13 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 197
Quote:
Originally Posted by shakazulu View Post
Do you think I should call Jane to get her side of the story?
If your husband has a story for everything, chances are Jane might too.

Start protecting yourself now. Until some drastic action is taken, you’ll continue to be stuck in your H’s web of lies.
Spoons027 is offline  
post #15 of 169 (permalink) Old 01-02-2019, 04:23 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 433
Re: Gut feeling and too many red flags

I can be difficult to get honesty from outsiders when you question them. Seems as though most people do not want to be responsible for a confrontation. So you may want to call several people and ask them. Try to piece something close to the truth from what they all say.

But reading what you have said here, it all sounds pretty bad. At the very least he is being very dishonest with you.
it-guy is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome