Gut feeling and too many red flags
About two years ago (2016), on DH’s phone, I stumbled upon a text message exchange between my Darling Husband and his half brother, arguing about some family issues. His half brother texted angrily something to Darling Husband, to the effect that ‘I’m not the one sleeping with other women and hiding it from my wife’.
The text blew me off, and when I questioned Darling Husband about what it meant, he said his brother was looking to create trouble in our marriage. In all fairness, the two have had a rocky relationship. So I believed Darling Husband and forgot about it.
Later (2017), he was seen at a hotel (or a club) with a woman, he had an explanation ( said was having fun with his niece in college and her friends). The niece confirmed this, with a caveat that one of the girls, let’s call her Jane, was not really her friend but was rather shady.
A few months later, in another argument by text with a different family member, Darling Husband was again accused of sleeping with other women under the guise of helping them out financially. This was through a text message again, found on DH’s phone. Same explanation again. I did not pursue it further since his family has plenty of in-fighting and can be brutal to each other. However, the alarm bells started going off at this point.
Later, around the same time, I encountered some call logs in our joint cell phone statement. Darling Husband had been chatting with someone for several hours almost weekly. When I asked, he said it was a female family friend, Jane, needing money, which he promptly wired. He assured me it was that one time and promised he wouldn’t do it again.
Last week, we had a destination wedding in his home town for his uncle. There was a strange woman (Jane) looking rather isolated from the guests. Someone blurted out, ‘Oh, no, she’s here, this might get ugly’, then immediately clammed shut when they noticed me within earshot. After the wedding, I noticed that the woman lingered on after all guests had left. Darling Husband assured me that his family are apparently friends with her family. She’s the only one who attended from her family. She ignored Darling Husband, and he also avoided her like the plague, which was a HUGE red flag because he’s extremely outgoing and was chatting up with all the guests. By this time I was livid, started putting two and two together after having spent the whole day reflecting upon everything. I watched the two throughout and had a miserable time at the wedding. At the wedding reception, another of his brothers said ‘why would Jane come here?’. To add salt to the injury, Jane followed the family to a private evening party, and sat alone in a corner, isolated. DH continued to ignore her the whole time while speaking with everyone else. Later, Jane slipped away unnoticed into the night.
That night at our hotel while Darling Husband was asleep, I found several wire transfer transactions in his email. Dozens of cash transfers to Jane. I woke Darling Husband up and confronted him. He said he didn’t want to upset me that’s why he kept the wires a secret. He said he hasn’t been seeing Jane, she’s a young girl that has financial problems and he felt sorry for her. He told me I was cold and didn’t have a heart. We argued the whole night and he refused to answer any questions about Jane, sticking with his story that she’s in financial trouble and he’s helping.
I demanded that he calls Jane. At first he resisted, but I took his phone and dialed. It went to voicemail. He seemed relieved. The following morning there was a text from Jane saying she missed his call, is everything ok?
I feel like his whole family knows about Jane and I’m the only one in the dark. I always felt something was off since 2016, but couldn’t put a finger on it. My heart is breaking and I have two kids to consider.
We are still arguing, Darling Husband is sticking to his story and denies that he’s sleeping with Jane. I have asked for his financial statements from 2016 to date, he refused. I demanded he calls Jane in my presence, he refused. He refuses a polygraph test too. Instead, I’m the bad person for ‘not trusting him.’ He’s refused to talk about it.
Later, I sat Darling Husband down to ask more questions about everything. He now says that the money was for a business plan that Jane had, a transport business for consignment designer shoes for women. I asked him why I was not included in this business arrangement, but he had no answer. I asked him how much he sent to Jane in total, he gave me a vague number but will not back it up by showing me his financial statements. He even said his niece is on board and knows about this business arrangement. I asked him who else knows, he said just the niece and no one else. I asked him where the incorporation paperwork is, tax IDs and the like. He said Jane did not deliver as agreed, and he has been conned of his money (Jane is now a con-lady?). I sat there, looked at him lying, and mentally planned my next steps. I don’t know whether to feel angry or upset anymore, especially since he has a story for everything and I know he’s lying and will not take his word for anything. I look at him and wonder if this is the same guy I’ve been married to for over 14 years. It’s surreal. He doesn’t want me to call anyone i.e. his niece, Jane, etc. That alone tells me everything I need to know. I have been such a fool for so long. I feel so isolated. How do get the truth?
Last edited by shakazulu; 01-02-2019 at 11:43 AM.