Fixers, a BS label - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-18-2019, 08:52 AM Thread Starter
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Fixers, a BS label

Maybe it's true, we are as BS, fixers?
My IC said to me "You have had every woman in your life cheat on you, the problem R**** is your a FIXER"
I date and marry broken women, try to fix them, then when they cheat on me I try harder to fix them.
Do we as BS chose people who need fixing and that will always become WS?
Is it possible to stop this cycle?
I sure hope so......



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"Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping."
"Pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient."
"Nothing is as simultaneously, fear inspiring and arousing for women as a Man she suspects is self-aware of his own value."
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post #2 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-18-2019, 08:56 AM
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Re: Fixers, a BS label

I did gf or two.

Until two more were separated and we had a great time, but I started to recognize a pattern.

Actually then, very early, I just said no.

This is your brain on "fixees".

Too much trouble.
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post #3 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-18-2019, 02:31 PM
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Re: Fixers, a BS label

Counselling might be of benefit for you to help you give up being a Knight In Shining Armour.


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post #4 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-18-2019, 03:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Fixers, a BS label

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Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
Counselling might be of benefit for you to help you give up being a Knight In Shining Armour.
You know it.
2 years of it before an epiphany hit me.
I think a little KiSA will always be present in me.


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at 1:30 secs
"Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping."
"Pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient."
"Nothing is as simultaneously, fear inspiring and arousing for women as a Man she suspects is self-aware of his own value."
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post #5 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-18-2019, 03:49 PM
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Re: Fixers, a BS label

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You know it.
2 years of it before an epiphany hit me.
I think a little KiSA will always be present in me.
Me too, probably.


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post #6 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-18-2019, 04:01 PM
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Re: Fixers, a BS label

Trying to fix people; isn't that what codependency is all about?

I think it's a normal thing to want to resolve a problem, but when the problem isn't within one's realm of authority or responsibility it doesn't work. Another person's life isn't within my realm of authority or responsibility unless it is my dependent child or an infirm person that I am responsible for.

I'm learning that having expectations and not allowing someone to use or abuse me is my true responsibility. If someone is abusing me or our relationship, it's better for me to not stay in the line of fire, but to move away. I used to try so hard to work on relationships with people until I realized that it's not a healthy relationship if I'm the one doing all the work. Relationships are supposed to be mutual. Again, with children it's different, but with adults, we are each responsible for our own part in the relationship for it to work, otherwise it's not healthy. It's not difficult to determine whether or not a person is willing to put in their effort to the relationship or not.


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post #7 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-18-2019, 09:41 PM
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Re: Fixers, a BS label

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You know it.
2 years of it before an epiphany hit me.
I think a little KiSA will always be present in me.
You are quite aware of it now though, so going forward you might remind yourself of this time should you experience something similar down the line.

KISA for me was tied to a lack of self worth/confidence. Always wanting to help the 'damsel in distress', feeling good when I helped them, but then realising that I had become the instrument of their healing, instead of themselves.

Fortunately the past few years have been a slap in the face regarding that, and I have come to realise that if someone looks like they need fixing, I may subtly guide them towards the tools they can use to help themselves, but it is up to them to then take that initiative.

Relying on someone else, either consciously or not, does nothing for the individual's sense of personal growth. At the same time, it does nothing good for the fixer too, except prolong their need to help someone that either doesn't want, need, or ask for help.
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post #8 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-18-2019, 09:49 PM
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Re: Fixers, a BS label

Don't be a KISA, be a BILLC!

I am a fixer of a different flavor!
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post #9 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-18-2019, 09:57 PM
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Re: Fixers, a BS label

@StillSearching, what need does a fixer upper fulfill for you?

Looking back on your cheating partners, can you see now what red flags they were waving?
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post #10 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-18-2019, 11:14 PM
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Re: Fixers, a BS label

Quote:
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Don't be a KISA, be a BILLC!

I am a fixer of a different flavor!
I'm a little afraid to ask this, but what is BILLC?



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post #11 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-18-2019, 11:29 PM
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Re: Fixers, a BS label

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I'm a little afraid to ask this, but what is BILLC?
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post #12 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-18-2019, 11:41 PM
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Re: Fixers, a BS label

lol @ConanHub


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post #13 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-18-2019, 11:52 PM
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Re: Fixers, a BS label

Well for me I think I dated the girl who cheated on me because at the time I didn't have the confidence that I could do better. There were a lot of warning signs, her constant need of attention being the most obvious. Her Mom had abandoned the family at a young age. I mean I had no idea what kind of red flags this stuff was at the time, not like I do now, but I know I was concerned. I also wasn't the person I am now. If I knew then what I do now I would have just moved on, or casually dated her. This was my first serious relationship and I was very young, so I didn't have the confidence with experience that I grew to have.

I think lots of young men start out with the KISA thing. In my mind it goes hand and hand with the Nice Guy stuff. It's all built on insecurity. The nice guy doesn't want to have to take the risk of just straight up telling the women of his affection that he is attracted to her so he covertly tries to be her friend first. All the while hoping that the relationship will just organically grow into love. She has no idea that she has entered into a relationship under false pretenses. In the very rare cases it does turn to love, but as we all know nothing is more attractive the covert passive aggressive dealings.

The KISA is kind of the same thing in my mind. It's this idea that if I go way above and beyond then maybe I will be worthy enough of love. The idea that - As I normally am, am not worthy of love alone but if I sacrifice enough then maybe I will be. I think it happens even in the picking of potential mates. This women has a lot of problems, but she is really the best I can do and I will just have to be very careful and be extra good to her, "help" her and then all the warning signs I see won't matter. Another less honorable man will think, this women has a lot of problems and is vulnerable, so she probably will be easy to take advantage of. Which is also why that type of women dates a lot of jerks, because jerks can see she is an easy target. This stuff isn't nice to say but it's true. It's the typical dysfunction attracts dysfunction dynamic that we see all the time here. Healthy people would just not be interested in that much drama in a relationship. Healthy women can sniff out the players and have no time for them, and healthy men aren't going to be willing to take such a risk.

When it comes down to it both the "Nice Guy" and the KISA fear rejection.

I will say that I have a natural attraction to the vulnerability that women like this show. I think lots of men do, I see it is the guys version of the bad boy thing that lots of women have. It's that kind of Marilyn Monroe thing. The idea of the challenge. The feeling that I am the man to fix her, I am just going to love her enough and make her strong. I think this is different though then a KISA, still not good though. I mean I may be attracted to her but that doesn't mean I am going to help her move or pay her rent or anything. As you get older and wiser you realize types of women don't make good wives. Frankly it should only take one experience for you to get that. If you don't then maybe you are a "fixer" and need to work on that.

I guess you could say the best cure for this though was my wife. My wife was and continues to be the most competent person I have ever met as far as day to day life. I admire her more then most people in my life. And in my professional life I have met many women like her so they are out there. She was a different kind of challenge. That being, I going to have to be the best me if I am going to be with this women. I hope she feels the same way about me as well. Frankly this is a much better dynamic.

My wife doesn't need me. I think she would say I bring a lot of benefit and joy to her life but she doesn't need me, and I would say the same of her. We are together because we want to be together not because we need to be. That in my mind is probably the best place to be in a relationship because it keeps both of you strong enough to be honest. Both your actions are taken out of a position of strength.

I think meeting a true women can quickly cure you of interest in these types of girls that a "fixer" will be attracted to.

Last edited by sokillme; 02-19-2019 at 12:20 AM.
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post #14 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-19-2019, 07:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Fixers, a BS label

I'm really into ole fashion submissive women.
I now have one. Just worried she's broke in some way that I can't see yet.
I'm sure some women here would think "ole fashion submissive woman" she's broke already. LOL


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at 1:30 secs
"Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping."
"Pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient."
"Nothing is as simultaneously, fear inspiring and arousing for women as a Man she suspects is self-aware of his own value."
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post #15 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-19-2019, 09:03 AM
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Re: Fixers, a BS label

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