Wife and the guy next door too close. - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-23-2019, 10:31 PM
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

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Originally Posted by NickTheChemist View Post
All of the phone account stuff is in my name, but I could also just access her phone. What am I looking for? (Other than inappropriate texts, of course)
Why does she need a phone, she can walk across the street?

Dude tell her to get a job. That is really the best thing you can do in this case. You are doing half the housework anyway. She is taking advantage of you.

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post #137 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-23-2019, 10:33 PM
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
WOW! You are seriously wimpy and not at all included in the arena of physical confrontation.
WOW! You are seriously not at all included in the arena of legal confrontation, and in the end, that is what divorce is.

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Andy isn't stupid as you are portraying him and neither am I.
I never said that Andy was stupid, just wrong. You saying that I made him look stupid, just means that I had an obviously superior argument, so thank you for that.

As for you, if you look back, I have a long history of liking many of your prior posts because I agree with them; I just do not agree with this current set of posts. As an FYI, truly smart people rarely feel the need to tell people that they are not stupid.

Real Life: I know a husband that physically confronted the guy that was cheating with his wife. With the wife backing the lover, the police arrested the husband. The wife immediately used this arrest to say that she feared him and to get a restraining order against the husband to keep him away from her, the children, and their home. As leverage, she also threatened to have his firearms removed based on this fear, if he did not give her favorable divorce terms. Bottom line is that the husband won the physical confrontation, but lost in the divorce.

How does a cheater say “screw you?
They say “trust me”.
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post #138 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-23-2019, 10:35 PM
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

If it is an EA Or PA any inappropriate texts will be deleted. Looking at her phone may not get you much but 1st. Things 1st
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post #139 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-23-2019, 11:08 PM
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

I also did most of the cooking because I love to cook and then helped with clean up.
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post #140 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-23-2019, 11:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

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I also did most of the cooking because I love to cook and then helped with clean up.
Me too 🤦🏼*♂️
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post #141 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-23-2019, 11:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

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I think given the extent of the friendship (with everyone involved) it's going to be difficult to walk away or end it. Certainly your wife and John are not going to feel they need to end the friendship. I think you should have an honest and open talk with John first, telling him you don't want to ruin your friendship but he needs to be YOUR friend, not your wifes. Then talk with your wife the same way and tell her how things "appear" just as you have told it to this forum. Tell her you don't wish to be in the position you find yourself now and need her to reign things in.

I tell this to anyone who will listen...we all experience temptations in our lives, and NOBODY is immune from it. The best way to avoid temptation is to avoid putting yourself in a position that invites it. If you love your partner, it's never an issue to "behave" in a fashion that provides them security and peace of mind regarding the relationship.
This is insightful and wise. Thank you. I don’t think it’s right to bring his wife into it without first talking to John and my wife.
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post #142 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-23-2019, 11:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

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Why in hell would you want that?

There is only one thing a male friend can offer a married woman that a female friend can't and she should only be getting that from you.
Poor writing on my part. I want her to be able to interact with common friends, neighbors.
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post #143 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-23-2019, 11:48 PM
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

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A man like OP probably can't impliment this advice. A man like me can, and has.

OP is weak and conflict avoidant so he won't even stand up for what is right, much less know how to navigate a physical altercation.

@Andy1001 knows how and so do I. His post was more a challenge for OP to start manning up.

I guarantee anyone with an I.Q. comparable with cabbage, who tried to invade my family would be "educated" quickly and sent off.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, it isn't your arena but it is the arena of men who know how to effectively use intimidation and violence within the bounds of society.
What are these bounds of society that you mean?

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post #144 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-24-2019, 12:04 AM
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

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Originally Posted by NickTheChemist View Post
Geez. There is a lot at stake here.
There is a lot at stake. And I possibly understand how you feel. You may be afraid that if you create a boundary ("no more John"), that you might lose her. But dude, if you do nothing, and continue letting her, and John, and whoever else, violate your personal boundaries, then she will have no respect for you. No respect = no love. No respect = no desire. And no love, and no desire = no marriage.

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She didn’t ride with him at all. They weren’t alone together at all. At times she’d be talking with him while I’m changing diapers and running after our children and I’d ask her for help. It sucked
When you asked for help, how did she respond?

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Originally Posted by NickTheChemist View Post
You’re right. You’re so right. I am conflict avoidant with my wife. No problem with conflict in almost any other interaction or relationship. I’m sure there’s more to unpack there.

I feel she punished me when I confront her. In past times when I have confronted her and put a foot down about her disrespectful treatment then I got a days-long cold shoulder and a lot of hateful attitude.

It’s like she is much more willing than me to live in an ongoing ****ty fight. We haven’t had one of those in a while and maybe the next one is soon.

What’s the worst that could happen if I accuse her of an EA? If I’m going to confront her about it then I may as well, right?
It's simple. Your relationship with your wife is your most important one. You care about her, and want things between you to be pleasant. You are thus naturally wary of upsetting her, and creating emotional distance between you via confrontation. But what that tells me, is that she doesn't respond well to criticism, or boundary setting. If it were otherwise, you wouldn't be as afraid of doing so. You could have a healthy and productive conversation, without her giving you the cold shoulder, or creating an issue between you.

Think of the cold shoulder, and hateful attitude, as a test dude. She's like a toddler, testing your resolve, finding the limits. When you're setting boundaries, you need to think about them beforehand, and be sure they're fully flushed out. Once you set them, it's imperative that you stand your ground. If you give way after a few days of cold shoulder treatment, what does that communicate to her? That you're too weak to maintain your own boundaries, and lack the self-respect to require others to treat you with deference. Be strong. Become a force to be reckoned with. Stop being the man she can walk all over. Stand. Your. Ground.

Do not accuse her of an EA. There's nothing to be gained by doing so at this time. Buy the nanny cams, and install them in all the room previously mentioned. This will provide you with proof, over whether she is lying to you about the nature of her and John's interactions. You cannot continue to deal with this situation from a place of ignorance.

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post #145 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-24-2019, 06:27 AM
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
WOW! You are seriously wimpy and not at all included in the arena of physical confrontation.

Andy isn't stupid as you are portraying him and neither am I.

He is a successful business owner and I make 6 figures and have for most of my adult life.

We are both capable of legal violence. You apparently aren't so maybe stick to what you know?

You are right to know that OP is way too much of a pushover to attempt this but Andy was just pointing out that his balls have been removed from his body some time ago.
@ConanHub I have great respect for both yourself and @Andy1001 but in this case it's you guys who are missing the point.
Guys like you two don't understand guys like the op. You will never be in his situation because Alpha males wouldn't allow another man to get as close to their wives as Nick has and their wives wouldn't put themselves in this situation to start with.They know that they have too much to lose and wouldn't be attracted to a player like John anyway. Why have a burger when you have steak at home.
Nick is a soft touch and as Andy said he is totally conflict avoidant. If this isn't an affair and doesn't become one it will be because Nick's wife doesn't want it,his own opinion doesn't matter.

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post #146 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-24-2019, 06:43 AM
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

Your wife and John are showing all indications that they are in a romantic relationship.

"Friends" don't text that much.

You demonstrate lower value by doing her work and yours, so she can hang and talk more with John. This is unattractive to her. You are very tentatitve about how you feel, you worry so much about your wife's feelings and doing the politically correct thing (I want her to have male friends). But the betrayal of her caring more about John than you probably didn't directly come from that. Though I'm pretty sure behind their back John is dissing you. The secrecy is part of the thrill. It's fun to be in on the secret. Your wife may have been feeling a little blah with three young kids and you gone and not really staying in touch during the day, then this "safe" married guy hung out with her and played his game on your wife. There is something to be said about being the chosen one (over his wife) and having a guy who was pre-selected by another woman. Your wife probably values John's wife opinion, so that make John more attractive.

You said your wife told you she finds John attractive. John's there all day. If you like chocolate, and chocolate bars are laying around at work all day, and then at home all night when you come home, do you think you would be more likely or less likely to eat a chocolate bar? Did you ever have a close friend with a woman who was very attracted to you and who you hung out with her all the time? Assuming your answer is no, that really wouldn't be a "friend" situation, but IF you had a woman friend like that, who texted you more than her husband, and you texted her more than your wife - would you think this was a platonic "friend" relationship?

Look at the number of posts of some of these posters and see where they usually post. They know cheating.

I know no one can convince you.

The affair with John won't stay the same. They will either ratchet it up, or it will fade. You can see they are in the process of ratcheting it up. Talking to them understandingly won't stop it. Let's face it, you already had the talk with your wife, and your feelings, and not only did she discount it completely, she actually got angry about your feelings and somehow connected her betraying you with John to some stuff you didn't tell her about work.

Cheaters act and react in certain ways and your wife is running the cheater's playbook. But you will catch her soon because it is on your radar now. The best thing you can do now is just say nothing to John or your wife. They will get sloppy, you will catch them. That's how this goes. If you say stuff to them, they might hide it better for a while.

The answer is in the texts and their secrect interactions. There are ways you can find out those things. But you will find out even if you do nothing. A lot of the damage is already done, so it really doesn't matter that much how you handle it now, except how you feel about yourself and your actions.
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post #147 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-24-2019, 06:56 AM
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

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What are these bounds of society that you mean?
Meant boundaries.
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post #148 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-24-2019, 08:44 AM
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

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Originally Posted by NickTheChemist View Post
You’re right. You’re so right. I am conflict avoidant with my wife. No problem with conflict in almost any other interaction or relationship. I’m sure there’s more to unpack there.

I feel she punished me when I confront her. In past times when I have confronted her and put a foot down about her disrespectful treatment then I got a days-long cold shoulder and a lot of hateful attitude.

It’s like she is much more willing than me to live in an ongoing ****ty fight. We haven’t had one of those in a while and maybe the next one is soon.

What’s the worst that could happen if I accuse her of an EA? If I’m going to confront her about it then I may as well, right?
There's so much wrong here, Nick. Starting with you being a Nice Guy and doing nothing to change that. EVERYTHING you're posting about stems from that one fact.

First, YOU do the house/lawn work when she is a SAHM? Are you saying the kitchen isn't clean when you get home? You have to clean toilets? You give the kids their baths while she sits on the couch and texts her boyfriend? ALL of this is from you being a Nice Guy.

She "regularly" yells at you and teaches you to stop holding her to a standard? More Nice Guy.

You're afraid of her giving the cold shoulder so you stay silent? More Nice Guy cos you depend on her 'giving' you niceness in order for you to feel ok with yourself. Do you know what a strong man would do? One who wasn't insecure and wasn't focused on his looks and his money as proof that he's valuable? That man? He would LAUGH at her when she gives him the cold shoulder and ignore her for as long as she acts like a 5-year-old. That man would happily go about his daily business, have fun with the kids, hang out with friends, have people over for dinner...while treating her as invisible as long as she pouts. And if someone who comes over asks what she's doing, he'd just laugh and say 'Oh, she's trying to get me to do what she wants by pouting; I'm just waiting for her to come back to the table like an adult.' I guarantee she'd never do it again.

But you're too insecure to be able to do that. Cos you READ No More Mr Nice Guy, saw yourself in it...and did nothing. Two years later, YOU haven't changed, and you are the problem.

Finally, you're going to 'confront' her about her affair? More Nice Guy desperation to try to control her. NON-Nice Guys don't confront. They state their boundaries and explain the consequences and then sit back and let her make her choice: be a good wife or lose 'all this.' But you're so insecure that you are petrified that she will choose to lose 'all this' that you will never pull that trigger. And thus, as NMMNG states, your relationship will continue to deteriorate, day by day, until she's literally bringing her lover over to the house while you babysit. Cos you'll have proved you have no backbone.


Are you ready to change yet, Nick?

Last edited by turnera; 05-24-2019 at 08:48 AM.
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post #149 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-24-2019, 09:29 AM
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

Nick, you say there's a lot at stake but there is no sense of urgency in your actions. "Should I check the text on her phone?" Of course you should. It shouldn't even be a question. Even though to be honest, you're probably not going to find much there because since he lives across the street, he has easy access to your wife. They probably have an innocent looking word or phrase that is code for meeting at a predetermined place or time.

You say that you're conflict avoidant but what you've described is beyond that. Here is a guy that is openly pursuing your wife and you're not able to marshal up the nerve to call them out on it. I hope you understand that he knows that you know he's pursing your wife. He knows because your wife told him EVERYTHING about your blowout. Yet do you think he fears anything from you?

Please understand that the more submissive you act toward OM, the more you embolden him to pursue your wife even more aggressively, which in turn is causing your wife to be even more attracted to him.

In case you're wondering, "how am I being submissive to OM?" Let me try to explain. When a man openly makes a move on someone else's wife, and the husband doesn't stop him, you're giving tacit approval, which is a form of submission. If you've ever watched a nature show, you will see that all male mammals quickly and aggressively move against any interloper to his women. Just because we're more evolved than a gorilla or other mammals doesn't mean that at our hamster brain level, we're not acting upon the same instincts.
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post #150 of 487 (permalink) Old 05-24-2019, 09:53 AM
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Re: Wife and the guy next door too close.

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Originally Posted by NickTheChemist View Post
You’re right. You’re so right. I am conflict avoidant with my wife. No problem with conflict in almost any other interaction or relationship. I’m sure there’s more to unpack there.

Conflict avoidance is the nice guy way. It does not work. Holding in what you are feeling or needing to say will only lead to implosion. State your case.

I feel she punished me when I confront her. In past times when I have confronted her and put a foot down about her disrespectful treatment then I got a days-long cold shoulder and a lot of hateful attitude.

Your W is demonstrating passive aggressive behavior. Silent treatment is a form of abuse. Don't feed into it. Go about your day like all is fine in your world because IT IS. Your W is playing you and hoping you cave. And it appears you do cave.

It’s like she is much more willing than me to live in an ongoing ****ty fight. We haven’t had one of those in a while and maybe the next one is soon.

Again, passive aggressive behavior on your W part. She needs to understand what she is doing is wrong on many levels.

What’s the worst that could happen if I accuse her of an EA? If I’m going to confront her about it then I may as well, right?
Don't accuse your W of anything. Simply state as a matter of fact that you do not share your W with any man. If she choses to continue down this road she can but not as your W. Stand the hell up for yourself. Learn to say NO. It is not that hard. After the first few times saying NO become easier.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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