Wife and the guy next door too close.
Hi. My wife stays home and 2 of our 3 children are home with her (oldest is in Kindergarten). The guy next door has become a buddy of mine (we’ll call him John for this forum), but the way he and my wife act together makes me very uncomfortable. I know that she is attracted to him and that’s fine—after all, we can’t control that, right?
I’ve talked with her twice now using “I feel” statements. i.e. “I feel unwanted when you ignore me when I get home from work because John is over and you’re talking to him. And “I makes me feel unimportant when you talk with John so much in the day, but won’t share with me in the same way.
We used to have a group text that became me, my wife and him and now he’s texting my wife, but she is mum or secretive about it.
She has been very defensive when I have expressed my feelings and blamed me for something unrelated for which I was guilty (I knew about a bad situation I was in at work and didn’t tell her until I had to change departments—I thought I was protecting her from worry, but should have shared what I knew—that a manager was trying to get me fired.
I wasn’t fired and career is still great.
Back to John—he is in sales and home a lot during the day while his wife is working his and kids are in school. He comes over to my house a lot (1+ times a week) while I’m not home and his wife is gone. I’ve been telling myself it’s fine because the kids are with her and nothing would happen..... but that is so the wrong reason to think nothing will happen, right?
I want to believe and trust my wife and I want her to have male friends, but this one makes me uncomfortable because he seems to have hee complete attention when we get the families together or when I come home and he’s there talking with my wife while my kids are playing.
They’ll talk and laugh and ignore me, then she’ll often be much less talkative and guarded towards me.
We’re away with John and his family this weekend and it is more of the same—he and my wife are flirting and every time I turn around it seems that they are together—sitting together—talking.
This would all be fine if my wife and I had a strong marriage with healthy communication, but we definitely don’t, although I am trying. I am the emotional and sexual pursuer. She has many emotional walls and sex is usually great, but very infrequent (18 times all of last year)
There was another time early in our marriage where she was out of town and went out to a club with friends (totally okay), but was drinking and got inappropriate dancing with her friend’s fiancé (just dancing). She came clean about that a few years later.
I am a good and attractive husband, but her heart seems to be leading her towards him over me when we are both present. I feel like I’m a kid again and my girlfriend is smitten with the popular guy. It sucks. I’m just so sad because I love my wife and want to show my children a strong, faith-based marriage.
Ive shared with her that these things are hurtful to me and still they continue.
I am going to have to talk to my wife about John again. What do I say this time?
Last edited by NickTheChemist; 05-19-2019 at 02:54 AM.