Boundaries - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 82Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 10:21 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 41
I have contacted a couple of attornies. Each have said if I leave I will lose the ability to remain, in the house. I have a son thst is also apart of me having a place to stay. He said my best option was to do what I done by giving him a boundary and that would make him either do right for a bit or hr would get the point and leave. He also said based upon my living expensese I have now thst I couldnt rent a room for compared to what I pay now.

If I leave WH wantd me to continue to pay the mortgage, insurance, etc. So the lawyer indicated if I left I would not be obligated to do so, but there is the probability that he will not pay them. This could create issues for me now and in the future. If I leave and he does this he can prevent me from coming back to the home even if he moves out.

Ues I agree he doesnt care about anyone but himself. Yes my self esteem and even my ability to trust my own judgement has been destroyed by his means of driving me to this point.

I have told him to leave. If I put his stuff out it is not legal. As I have been told he is a master manipulator. But I think his issues are getting the better of him I'm done with him. His work is suffering because of his involvement with his AP. He has not been getting calls and the ones he had are now not wanting him to work on their home. Somehow this Will be my fault had nothing to do with him not doing the work he was being paid to do he used that time to have an affair. Then they were seen together daily so his reputation is gone.

Why Bother is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 10:39 AM
Member
 
Blondilocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: SoCal
Posts: 7,215
Re: Boundaries

Quote:
Originally Posted by Why Bother View Post
I have contacted a couple of attornies. Each have said if I leave I will lose the ability to remain, in the house. I have a son thst is also apart of me having a place to stay. He said my best option was to do what I done by giving him a boundary and that would make him either do right for a bit or hr would get the point and leave. He also said based upon my living expensese I have now thst I couldnt rent a room for compared to what I pay now.

If I leave WH wantd me to continue to pay the mortgage, insurance
, etc. So the lawyer indicated if I left I would not be obligated to do so, but there is the probability that he will not pay them. This could create issues for me now and in the future. If I leave and he does this he can prevent me from coming back to the home even if he moves out.

Ues I agree he doesnt care about anyone but himself. Yes my self esteem and even my ability to trust my own judgement has been destroyed by his means of driving me to this point.

I have told him to leave. If I put his stuff out it is not legal. As I have been told he is a master manipulator. But I think his issues are getting the better of him I'm done with him. His work is suffering because of his involvement with his AP. He has not been getting calls and the ones he had are now not wanting him to work on their home. Somehow this Will be my fault had nothing to do with him not doing the work he was being paid to do he used that time to have an affair. Then they were seen together daily so his reputation is gone.
This doesn't quite make sense. Surely, you could afford an apartment if you are currently paying the mortgage, insurance etc. If you want out, stop paying the mortgage, insurance etc and sock that money away for your next abode. You'll have several months before being evicted. If he doesn't pay, the house will go into foreclosure. Find out how that will affect you in the future.

I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.
Blondilocks is offline  
post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 10:55 AM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 4,190
Re: Boundaries

I think you need to contact other lawyers. Either there is a lot more to this story or the lawyer you spoke with is ****e. If you filed today the court would order status quo. In other words, for a time, he'd be obligated to pay at least his share of the bills in the home. Also, hoping an adulterer "gets the point" and leaves on their own isn't exactly stellar advice from any attorney.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.

Last edited by MattMatt; 07-27-2019 at 10:32 AM.
MJJEAN is offline  
 
post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 11:29 AM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 9,434
Re: Boundaries

You need to figure a way out of this, not just throw your hands up in defeat because its difficult. Unless of course you want to remain with a cheater who doesnt love, respect or support you... Sometimes we have to make sacrifices and put in some hard work in order to move our lives in the direction we need it to go.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
3Xnocharm is online now  
post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 11:44 AM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 2,490
Re: Boundaries

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
This doesn't quite make sense. Surely, you could afford an apartment if you are currently paying the mortgage, insurance etc. If you want out, stop paying the mortgage, insurance etc and sock that money away for your next abode. You'll have several months before being evicted. If he doesn't pay, the house will go into foreclosure. Find out how that will affect you in the future.
Wow Blondilocks - YOU know how to set a boundary. I like it! I was thinking "but if he won't pay the mortgage then she is screwed financiallyl..." You are saying -- if the house goes to foreclosure, it goes to foreclosure, find out exactly what that means. And I realized, people get foreclosed on all the time. Clearly it's not ideal. But they survive. Does she NEED out of this toxic marriage or not?

Hopefully he will leave, but if he won't, she is not literally stuck there.
WorkingWife is offline  
post #21 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 11:57 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 7,938
Re: Boundaries

I think in your mind you need to separate relationship issues and legal issues.

From what I'm hearing, the relationship is over. It no longer matters whether he is a bad guy, or is violating boundaries etc. You need to leave while getting what you can through the legal system.

I don't know anything about the law in this, but you should listen to your attorney, or if you think they are giving you bad advice, get another attorney.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Why Bother View Post
I have contacted a couple of attornies. Each have said if I leave I will lose the ability to remain, in the house. I have a son thst is also apart of me having a place to stay. He said my best option was to do what I done by giving him a boundary and that would make him either do right for a bit or hr would get the point and leave. He also said based upon my living expensese I have now thst I couldnt rent a room for compared to what I pay now.

If I leave WH wantd me to continue to pay the mortgage, insurance, etc. So the lawyer indicated if I left I would not be obligated to do so, but there is the probability that he will not pay them. This could create issues for me now and in the future. If I leave and he does this he can prevent me from coming back to the home even if he moves out.

Ues I agree he doesnt care about anyone but himself. Yes my self esteem and even my ability to trust my own judgement has been destroyed by his means of driving me to this point.

I have told him to leave. If I put his stuff out it is not legal. As I have been told he is a master manipulator. But I think his issues are getting the better of him I'm done with him. His work is suffering because of his involvement with his AP. He has not been getting calls and the ones he had are now not wanting him to work on their home. Somehow this Will be my fault had nothing to do with him not doing the work he was being paid to do he used that time to have an affair. Then they were seen together daily so his reputation is gone.
uhtred is online now  
post #22 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 12:04 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 2,490
Re: Boundaries

Quote:
Originally Posted by Why Bother View Post
...He also said based upon my living expensese I have now thst I couldnt rent a room for compared to what I pay now...
The question is, can you afford to rent a room, regardless of what you pay now?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Why Bother View Post
If I leave WH wantd me to continue to pay the mortgage, insurance, etc. So the lawyer indicated if I left I would not be obligated to do so, but there is the probability that he will not pay them. This could create issues for me now and in the future. If I leave and he does this he can prevent me from coming back to the home even if he moves out.
Are you financially able to buy or rent something else if you are not paying the mortgage? If so, you might consider making the move NOW while your credit is still good in case the foreclosure does come to fruition. ALSO, if you know deep down you will divorce, the sooner the paperwork is started, the sooner the ownership of the house is resolved and the less time for financial damage to occur.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Why Bother View Post
Ues I agree he doesnt care about anyone but himself. Yes my self esteem and even my ability to trust my own judgement has been destroyed by his means of driving me to this point.

I have told him to leave. If I put his stuff out it is not legal. As I have been told he is a master manipulator... Somehow this Will be my fault had nothing to do with him...
Now that you understand logically he only cares about himself and is a master manipulator, can you co-exist with him awhile as two people in one house -- not trying to get any romance/friendship/etc. out of the situation, without further destroying your self esteem? When HE is saying everything is your fault -- who cares? Of course he will say that. That's what he does.

With my ex I stayed in the house a few months for financial reasons. IT WAS A MISTAKE in hindsight, but I did do a pretty good job of distancing myself from him emotionally. I went from feeling insecure and unworthy to kind of viewing him as a lab specimen. What would he say next? I could see his thrashing about mentally to regain control of me accelerate and his tactics change as each one did not work. It was very stressful and a little scary as he actually got violent (at objects not me) a few times. However, I just did not engage. He could call me a filthy ***** and I'd just kind of look at him and observe my little lab experiment. I never took the bait for a discussion/debate. If it had to be "all my fault" in his mind for me to get out? Who cares?

The hardest part for me was how SAD and HURT he was. How he was a "new person" now. And we couldn't "throw away" our marriage. Not his anger or contempt or accusations. The hurt and sadness WAS real, but it was because he was losing control of me, a puppet/place holder in his life, who did all kinds of things for him. Not because he cared about me as an individual person due to my specific qualities.
[/QUOTE]
WorkingWife is offline  
post #23 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 12:08 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 41
There is only a few 1000 dollars left on the mortgage and it is just a little over 100. With a lot of work and sacrifice I was able to pay more and get payments down very low and affordable for me to pay should I ever have to on my own.

I do have an issue with juat letting everything go and let iy foreclose when there is very little left not to mention tje cheapest thing I can get yes I have checked is more than what of pay now by a couple 100 not counting utilities. What I am paying includes utilities all for less than 600 a month. Then if it foreclosed it effects my credit to where renting a place would causer higher deposits, and could prevent getting a place in the future.

I also havent said is that he has been verbally and mentally abusive, he is now threatening physical. I have to be cautious due to the fact that when he threatened me that I was calling 911. He said he would have me sent to jail. Come to find out that is easy to do for an abuser to manipulate their way around from being responsible. Also he is in pockets with all local police. This is small good ole boy scratch my back I'll scratch yours.

The policy is that if there is a call for domestic someone is going to jail. I believe he could do that too. The one officer I know that isnt corrupt spoke with me saying to be safe as possible but if it gets to getting out of hand to leave. If I cant to try and get to a neighbor and get them to call. This way there are witnesses and not just ones word against the other. He did say depending on who arrives on the called he jas seen thibgs go bad for the woman. Most abusers are calm when they arrive and can manipulate it for the one abused to be sited for DV. There are many that look out for these guy's because they are just as bad at home.

I contacted a shelter but due to my sons age only I can go I would have to leave him behind. He cant be left alone and he would be if I am not here.
Why Bother is offline  
post #24 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 01:33 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 9,434
Re: Boundaries

So be proactive. Contact the police when there is nothing going down to let them know where things are with you two, that you want him out of the house, you plan to divorce him, and he is refusing to leave. This way you have established some kind of baseline history if you should have to call them in the near future. Start whatever legal paperwork is needed to have him evicted. Is only your name on the house? It kinda sounds that way when you talk about paying the mortgage, etc...

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
3Xnocharm is online now  
post #25 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 01:49 PM
Member
 
Decorum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 2,776
Re: Boundaries

Don't let it go to foreclosure, no reason for you to lose equity.

He is sawing off the branch he is sitting on but he is to self-absorbed to realize it.

This doesn't seem workable from here, but please get legal advice. It may take some time to get it up to speed but it will be wholly worth it.


Newbies please read -->
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Insert clever quote here
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Decorum is offline  
post #26 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 11:28 PM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 5,388
Re: Boundaries

Quote:
Originally Posted by Why Bother View Post
There is only a few 1000 dollars left on the mortgage and it is just a little over 100. With a lot of work and sacrifice I was able to pay more and get payments down very low and affordable for me to pay should I ever have to on my own.

I do have an issue with juat letting everything go and let iy foreclose when there is very little left not to mention tje cheapest thing I can get yes I have checked is more than what of pay now by a couple 100 not counting utilities. What I am paying includes utilities all for less than 600 a month. Then if it foreclosed it effects my credit to where renting a place would causer higher deposits, and could prevent getting a place in the future.

I also havent said is that he has been verbally and mentally abusive, he is now threatening physical. I have to be cautious due to the fact that when he threatened me that I was calling 911. He said he would have me sent to jail. Come to find out that is easy to do for an abuser to manipulate their way around from being responsible. Also he is in pockets with all local police. This is small good ole boy scratch my back I'll scratch yours.

The policy is that if there is a call for domestic someone is going to jail. I believe he could do that too. The one officer I know that isnt corrupt spoke with me saying to be safe as possible but if it gets to getting out of hand to leave. If I cant to try and get to a neighbor and get them to call. This way there are witnesses and not just ones word against the other. He did say depending on who arrives on the called he jas seen thibgs go bad for the woman. Most abusers are calm when they arrive and can manipulate it for the one abused to be sited for DV. There are many that look out for these guy's because they are just as bad at home.

I contacted a shelter but due to my sons age only I can go I would have to leave him behind. He cant be left alone and he would be if I am not here.
The first thing you do is buy yourself some VARs. Leave one in a hidden place in the house and carry the other one with you at all times. If he is abusive then record it and use it against him. He will soon back down cause he is just a bully.
Speak to your friends, family, neighbors about what is going on (you have nothing to be ashamed of) and it will keep him accountable. He cannot abuse you or do anything to you once it is common knowledge what he is like.
Speak to the police man and tell him everything.

Is the house under joint names or your name only? You need to speak to a lawyer about this in more detail, your lawyer sounds small town and not really up for the detail that is needed to sort your problem.
How old is your son?
In the meantime is it possible to live separately in the house (if you cannot get him out?). Stop cooking, cleaning, laundry etc for your WH, live as if he is not there. Do the 180 on him to emotionally detach and investigate how you can disentangle your financial affairs.
What will the outcome be if you file for divorce? Surely the court will ask you to sell assets and he will have to pay alimony?
In the meantime also get yourself some counselling to learn to stand up for yourself and detach from your abusive WH.
Perhaps you can send out signals to the OW, tell her to take him off your hands while you plan an exit.
Till now you are sending him signals that you want him, you are fighting and checking up on him, giving him boundaries, etc, this is telling him that you still want to fight for him. This is a mistake, detach detach detach. Show no interest in anything he is doing, do not ask questions, do not engage, do not do anything for him. Use the 'grey rock' technique. Meanwhile, work on your exit.
aine is offline  
post #27 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-27-2019, 01:37 AM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 2,490
Re: Boundaries

Ugghhh! If he is threatening violence, can you get a restraining order against him? I have heard these are pretty easy to get because courts will error on the side of caution when it's he said she said. That would force him out of the house.

How long until the house is paid off?
How much of that monthly bill is the mortgage, vs. utilities? Because if you move out and get your name taken off the utilities those are not going to hurt your credit if he stops paying them. Could you afford a temporary place elsewhere and keep up the mortgage payment? If you've paid extra on the mortgage, can you talk to your bank about your current situation?
Do you have any friends or family you and you son can stay with for an extended period of time?

Asking just to try to brainstorm a solution.

What does your husband want right now? To remain a "happy" couple? (while he threatens violence if you leave...?)

I want to say can you stay and be roommates for awhile while after filing for divorce, until the mortgage situation resolves, but if he's threatening violence, that could be a very serious and real threat. When someone has control over you and they lose it, they CAN become quite dangerous.

You could stay and pretend to be happy, but if you file for divorce he'll know you're leaving him and if you don't this could drag on a long time if you're waiting to fully pay the house off.

I hope you talk to your attorney again with all the new facts.

Hang in there, it won't be like this forever. Something WILL give at some point.

Hopefully just understanding your husband is a **** will help you with your own self esteem and bad feelings from never being good enough for him while this sorts out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Why Bother View Post
There is only a few 1000 dollars left on the mortgage and it is just a little over 100. With a lot of work and sacrifice I was able to pay more and get payments down very low and affordable for me to pay should I ever have to on my own.

I do have an issue with juat letting everything go and let iy foreclose when there is very little left not to mention tje cheapest thing I can get yes I have checked is more than what of pay now by a couple 100 not counting utilities. What I am paying includes utilities all for less than 600 a month. Then if it foreclosed it effects my credit to where renting a place would causer higher deposits, and could prevent getting a place in the future.

I also havent said is that he has been verbally and mentally abusive, he is now threatening physical. I have to be cautious due to the fact that when he threatened me that I was calling 911. He said he would have me sent to jail. Come to find out that is easy to do for an abuser to manipulate their way around from being responsible. Also he is in pockets with all local police. This is small good ole boy scratch my back I'll scratch yours.

The policy is that if there is a call for domestic someone is going to jail. I believe he could do that too. The one officer I know that isnt corrupt spoke with me saying to be safe as possible but if it gets to getting out of hand to leave. If I cant to try and get to a neighbor and get them to call. This way there are witnesses and not just ones word against the other. He did say depending on who arrives on the called he jas seen thibgs go bad for the woman. Most abusers are calm when they arrive and can manipulate it for the one abused to be sited for DV. There are many that look out for these guy's because they are just as bad at home.

I contacted a shelter but due to my sons age only I can go I would have to leave him behind. He cant be left alone and he would be if I am not here.
WorkingWife is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome