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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-25-2019, 01:27 PM Thread Starter
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So WH was given a boundary he calls it an ultimatum. He was working on a vacant apartment above a restraunt. It closes at 3 Mon-Wed. He says he wants to work on his marriage. So I respomded with I need to know that he does not return to this place and him and her be there together. If he could not stay away from her then the conxequence is he needs to move out.

Come to find out he was back there the day before I said anything about no contact.

So 10,days after this discussion he calls me in front of his co worker. Saying he has to go by there and repair a leaky roof. That he was coming by the house to get a ladder and so I would know thst nothing was going on I could Go with him and his coworker ( lookout). The last time I was there his AP started an argument with me because I caught them together. She went anf got her aunt and they went to screaming call the police. So why would I go back when they concenced him I was the instigator of what took place. He didnt want me going because he drove past the house.

When he came home he asked what is wrong. He isnt that dumb he knows what is wrong. He wanted to talk I told him I talked the other night and I see that my feelings and what I said are not heard. He went on about how he was responsible. Sur i get thay but it couldnt wait an hour and 15 minutes so she would be gone. No he had to go right then. I am unreasonable. I told him I should not have to babysit him when I voiced what I need it should have been enough but the choice was made.

Why does he now think that he came back and said I'm sorry I thougbt I was doing the right thing by calling and asking you to go. It was bull****.

Now he says I should be over it and not be upset he called and asked if I wanted to go babysit them. He should have came to me face to face he could when he wanted to start something and I didnt bite.

So his sorry excuse exempt him from the consequence. I know when boundaries are set thry are not always followed. But not 10 days and he knee what he was going to do the night before and avoided saying anything.

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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-25-2019, 01:33 PM
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He's completely wrong. As long as he has ANY contact with her there is no recovery. He is probably still cheating, and you are right to be upset.

Do not back down.
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-25-2019, 01:37 PM Thread Starter
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When he came in after being there he said she wasnt there he didnt ser her. So was he looking for her. Odd thing too his coworker quit yesterday.
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-25-2019, 02:23 PM
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Re: Boundaries

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When he came in after being there he said she wasnt there he didnt ser her. So was he looking for her. Odd thing too his coworker quit yesterday.
Yeah, well, he can say what he likes. He's a known liar. Why should you believe a word that he says? This needs to be a hard boundary. He doesn't like it? He calls it an ultimatum? So what? Too bad. He put himself in this situation.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-25-2019, 02:24 PM
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Re: Boundaries

You don't have any boundaries. You just keep trying to think you have boundaries but if you did, you wouldn't be going through any of this. A boundary shouldn't be allowed to be crossed. So didn't you have a boundary regarding a cheating husband? When he cheated, he crossed that boundary, but all you did about it was to add another boundary, or rather you added an ultimatum. He found a way to get around that one and is well on his way to getting away with it because there you are arguing with him, questioning him, bewildered, issuing ultimatums, and don't know what to do.

Either you have boundaries or you don't have boundaries. If you had any regarding a cheating husband, it would have been "I will not tolerate my husband cheating on me and if he does, I will leave him." If that wasn't your boundary, then you didn't have one regarding a cheating husband. If that was your boundary, or rather what you thought was your boundary, there would not be anything to follow except you leaving. Instead, you kept pushing out new boundaries for him to cross, and he keeps crossing them. And you still aren't doing anything.

Stop thinking you have any boundaries because you don't. All you have is a cheating husband and no idea what to do about it because you're too afraid to do the one and only thing you should be doing.

If you cannot live up to what you call boundaries and cannot live up to your ultimatums, then stop making them. You don't want to leave your husband, so you're just wasting your own time with hurt feelings and aggravation and all this back and forth stuff. He's a liar and a cheat. That's all there is to know and all you need to know. If you're not going to do anything about it, you might as well be quiet and let him do whatever he wants since you at least get to keep him.
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-25-2019, 02:26 PM
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Re: Boundaries

You can set boundaries but you cannot prevent him from crossing them. All you can do is choose your actions when he does.

If he is unwilling to live in a way that you find acceptable, i don't see an alternative to separating.
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-25-2019, 02:30 PM
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Re: Boundaries

So what are you going to do?
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-25-2019, 02:56 PM Thread Starter
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I assumed some actions were crossing the line because of how he let me how he felt about things so I assumed he held himself to the same standard. Wrong.

The consequence is he has to find another place to live. He has refused it isnt a battle of I said go do you have to go. The reality is the finances of being on my own is not feasible. He is working and makes consifmderable amount more than me and it would be easier for him.

The question for asking if I was unreasonable comes from dealing with people like this they know how to destroy a persons to where they are not sure if they are being rational after so much of someone destroying it. When there has been lies, distorting the reality doing things to make a person seem or feel,crazy. Doubting yourself after repeated times like this make it easy to question what yoI are thinking.

His trying to convencd me that he said sorry and that he asked me to go with him. That wasnt part of what we discussed it was there are times when it is closed and I am fine with that but if there is the chance of them to be togethet then he had to leave.

He has To go..he is refusing
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-25-2019, 03:30 PM
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Re: Boundaries

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Originally Posted by Why Bother View Post
The question for asking if I was unreasonable comes from dealing with people like this they know how to destroy a persons to where they are not sure if they are being rational after so much of someone destroying it. When there has been lies, distorting the reality doing things to make a person seem or feel,crazy. Doubting yourself after repeated times like this make it easy to question what yoI are thinking.

He has To go..he is refusing
Right, he is gas lighting you, and you end up feeling like the crazy one. My solution to this is to never argue/debate details with people like this. Just repeat comments about how you feel. It doesn't matter if he thinks what he did was ok. You can say "I can't live with it." "It's not acceptable to me." "I am not happy." "I no longer love you." "I not longer want to be married to you." "I don't trust you and no longer want someone I don't trust." "I'm no longer attracted to you." etc.

As for he has to go but won't leave... I don't know what you can do, if you can make him leave or not. Maybe someone else here knows. Regardless, you can file for divorce while he is still living in the house. He WILL have to pay some alimony if he makes a lot more than you. If there are children he'll have to pay child support if you get custody and you'll probably get the primary residence if you don't have to sell it because of the kids.

If you do not have kids, start looking for a cheaper lifestyle for yourself. I rented a room in someone's house once and it worked out GREAT and VERY inexpensive. It may not be what you want but if your boundary is real, then you are done. Start moving on with your life. You can find another man if that's what you want.

I would talk to an attorney and file for divorce. At some point, one of you will move out and he will be paying alimony at least for awhile.
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-25-2019, 03:40 PM
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Re: Boundaries

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................Now he says I should be over it and not be upset he called and asked if I wanted to go babysit them. He should have came to me face to face he could when he wanted to start something and I didnt bite.

So his sorry excuse exempt him from the consequence. I know when boundaries are set thry are not always followed. But not 10 days and he knee what he was going to do the night before and avoided saying anything.
OK you are upset and have every reason to be upset.

The question is what do you want to do? Do you want to try reconciliation or do you want to end the relationship? The choice is yours, but so are the consequences.

My suggestion is to work through your anger and then figure out what you want to do, then make a plan to achieve what you want. Even if you want reconciliation, it may not be possible as it would require certain actions on his part, so you should consider that ending the relationship is a real possibility no mater what you decide.

Good luck. You will be better able to handle things if you can work through your anger.

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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-25-2019, 06:47 PM
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Re: Boundaries

Are you renting or do you own? If the place is rented or owned jointly, I don't think you can't force him out - need to find separate places first. Best bet is to start divorce proceedings. Contact an attorney to learn your options.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Why Bother View Post
I assumed some actions were crossing the line because of how he let me how he felt about things so I assumed he held himself to the same standard. Wrong.

The consequence is he has to find another place to live. He has refused it isnt a battle of I said go do you have to go. The reality is the finances of being on my own is not feasible. He is working and makes consifmderable amount more than me and it would be easier for him.

The question for asking if I was unreasonable comes from dealing with people like this they know how to destroy a persons to where they are not sure if they are being rational after so much of someone destroying it. When there has been lies, distorting the reality doing things to make a person seem or feel,crazy. Doubting yourself after repeated times like this make it easy to question what yoI are thinking.

His trying to convencd me that he said sorry and that he asked me to go with him. That wasnt part of what we discussed it was there are times when it is closed and I am fine with that but if there is the chance of them to be togethet then he had to leave.

He has To go..he is refusing
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 07:52 AM
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Re: Boundaries

Quote:
Originally Posted by Why Bother View Post
So WH was given a boundary he calls it an ultimatum. He was working on a vacant apartment above a restraunt. It closes at 3 Mon-Wed. He says he wants to work on his marriage. So I respomded with I need to know that he does not return to this place and him and her be there together. If he could not stay away from her then the conxequence is he needs to move out.

Come to find out he was back there the day before I said anything about no contact.

So 10,days after this discussion he calls me in front of his co worker. Saying he has to go by there and repair a leaky roof. That he was coming by the house to get a ladder and so I would know thst nothing was going on I could Go with him and his coworker ( lookout). The last time I was there his AP started an argument with me because I caught them together. She went anf got her aunt and they went to screaming call the police. So why would I go back when they concenced him I was the instigator of what took place. He didnt want me going because he drove past the house.

When he came home he asked what is wrong. He isnt that dumb he knows what is wrong. He wanted to talk I told him I talked the other night and I see that my feelings and what I said are not heard. He went on about how he was responsible. Sur i get thay but it couldnt wait an hour and 15 minutes so she would be gone. No he had to go right then. I am unreasonable. I told him I should not have to babysit him when I voiced what I need it should have been enough but the choice was made.

He has no care for you nor respect. Believe this. Patch his **** and leave it at the front door, change the locks.
I

Why does he now think that he came back and said I'm sorry I thougbt I was doing the right thing by calling and asking you to go. It was bull****.

Now he says I should be over it and not be upset he called and asked if I wanted to go babysit them. He should have came to me face to face he could when he wanted to start something and I didnt bite.

So his sorry excuse exempt him from the consequence. I know when boundaries are set thry are not always followed. But not 10 days and he knee what he was going to do the night before and avoided saying anything.
He has no respect for you. Ask him to move out, pack his stuff and leave at the front door. Tell everyone about what he has done and go no contact.
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 07:54 AM
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Re: Boundaries

Quote:
Originally Posted by Why Bother View Post
I assumed some actions were crossing the line because of how he let me how he felt about things so I assumed he held himself to the same standard. Wrong.

The consequence is he has to find another place to live. He has refused it isnt a battle of I said go do you have to go. The reality is the finances of being on my own is not feasible. He is working and makes consifmderable amount more than me and it would be easier for him.

The question for asking if I was unreasonable comes from dealing with people like this they know how to destroy a persons to where they are not sure if they are being rational after so much of someone destroying it. When there has been lies, distorting the reality doing things to make a person seem or feel,crazy. Doubting yourself after repeated times like this make it easy to question what yoI are thinking.

His trying to convencd me that he said sorry and that he asked me to go with him. That wasnt part of what we discussed it was there are times when it is closed and I am fine with that but if there is the chance of them to be togethet then he had to leave.

He has To go..he is refusing
Get yourself a bull dog lawyer and get advise. He’ll have to pay alimony.
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 09:03 AM
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Re: Boundaries

You say you can't afford to move out. I say you can't afford not to.

Think about the toll this situation takes on you. Your happiness, your self esteem, your ability to trust...is this the life you want to live?

If you are not willing to sacrifice in order to improve your life, who will? Your husband?

I'd prefer to live in my car and have some self respect than to live in a palace and be disrespected and made a fool day after day.

So, have you actually made any effort to determine what your options are or do you just assume that you can't afford to move out? Is your current lifestyle sufficient compensation for living a life of fear, anger, resentment, humiliation and uneasiness? Do you assign the responsibility of moving out on him because you know he won't and you can avoid facing change?

If your husband gave a squirt of piss about your feelings or his marriage none of this would have happened in the first place. How can you set a boundary with someone who affords you no authority in their life?

Honestly, the fact that you are asking if it is reasonable to feel the way you do betrays the fact that your self esteem has already been fundamentally damaged. If you are not already seeing a counselor I would suggest you do so right away.

It's been said many times that what you put up with, you end up with. Let that sink in.
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 07-26-2019, 09:31 AM
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Re: Boundaries

Quote:
Originally Posted by Why Bother View Post
I assumed some actions were crossing the line because of how he let me how he felt about things so I assumed he held himself to the same standard. Wrong.

The reality is the finances of being on my own is not feasible. He is working and makes consifmderable amount more than me and it would be easier for him.

He has To go..he is refusing
Never assume he's holding himself to any standard. Clearly, he isn't.

If money is an issue, you either find a way to live within your actual means or you accept you're staying with a cheater because you choose to for financial reasons.

He doesn't have to leave unless a court orders him to leave. You have the option of leaving, but you seem to want to make excuses to stay. If you're going to do that then just accept he's going to cheat and turn a blind eye.

Personally, I'd rather live in a roommate situation or get a small place in a not so great neighborhood than stay with someone who clearly doesn't respect or value me. But that's just me.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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