Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't - Page 34 - Talk About Marriage
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post #496 of 713 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 03:25 PM
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

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Originally Posted by DrDetroit View Post
The kids on both sides already know that there was an "inappropriate relationship".

I have posters here suggesting that I expose and to not expose. No consensus. I have posters suggesting that I 180 and to not. No consensus. I have posters saying just give it up and move on. Well, in a way, I am, by moving to filing.

What am I not listening to?
In general you expose only if you plan on reconciliation. Otherwise you use it as leverage to get a good divorce settlement. For reconciliation to happen, you have to have a good candidate for 'R'. You've confronted your wife about the affair, and she has showed no interest in reconciliation or any kind of remorse. That speaks volumes right there. I get that you would like to save your marriage. I've been there and done that, but the reality is it takes two willing participants. Your wife has told you she wants out, AND she is still communicating with the OM. At this point in time that leaves you nothing to work with.

I think you're doing the right thing proceeding with the divorce, but just be careful that you're not holding out false hope that it will somehow snap your wife back to reality and she'll magically be remorseful and want to reconcile. It does happen, but it is a very low percentage. Not to mention reconciliation can take years, and that is with a remorseful person really ready to put the work in on reconciliation.

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post #497 of 713 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 03:28 PM
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

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Yes you do. That’s all you want - a recipe to get her to pick you.

She won’t and she hasn’t. She’s out. And you need to accept that.

At any rate, your infinitesimally small shot at reconciliation is only if you walk away and she changes her mind. But you won’t do that.

Either way, you need to walk away. It’s your only play.

It’s just not what you want to hear.
From what I've seen this is very good advice. Sometimes you just have to drop the rope and let them go.

Exposure to be effective needs to be done early to try and break the affair. At this point I think you've missed that timing and it will only be viewed as a last minute manipulation/control on your part.

Your feelings on this will change like most. Upfront many just want them back but later question what they got back.
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post #498 of 713 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 05:17 PM
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

Your wife is done with your marriage. She would be ending it with or without the affair... she just chose the cowardly way out by attaching herself to another man. She can legally divorce you with or without your cooperation. I see you are moving to filing, this is good... a much more dignified way to end all of this than kicking and screaming. Your wife has been a serial cheat and that isnt going to change no matter who she is with, so make it so that it isnt YOU any more. And keep working on your anger issues, good women dont want angry men.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #499 of 713 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 05:45 PM
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

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Cling? No. Reconcile, yes. Im not here to help you understand why I want to reconcile. I am here to get practical advice to help me consider and pursue a goal. I appreciate your dose of reality, but it doesn't really help. I don't want anyone to blow smoke up my ass, in other words.
Her family in the end will side with her and given how far down the rabbit hole she is has probably already laid out the "bad husband" spin to them laying the groundwork for this divorce. You want her family/friends to shun her and try to snap her back, it can work but rarely when they are this far gone. It'll make you feel better temporarily but it comes at a cost. She's already got a seat in the victim chair, whining about money left and right. Come negotiation time she will put the screws to you.

You want the affair to end, the om wife already knows and it's not slowing down. The om is in this for sex, the more she dumps her emotions on him and the more the prospect that she will be a free woman which mean's he needs to divorce and "step up to the plate" usually makes an affair die faster than anything.

I personally think she's too far gone to pull this back. Cut your best financial deal you can with her and let her learn the hard way the fantasy storybook ending that she has playing in her head won't work. You get her mad, it'll drive her even more into her position and then you've got a bloodbath divorce. The best/only shot you've got is to what she thinks she wants and hope when she starts to see its not all that great she MIGHT reconsider.

If she wants to reconsider, she will tell you, right now your just playing mind games with yourself trying to interpret her moves and its futile and too many of us have played that game.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #500 of 713 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 06:59 PM
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

Give him a bit. He’s getting advice from three places and is now thinking extremely Black and white. Unfortunately, he is probably going to need to fall flat on his face. We have all watched it or experienced it, sometimes you need that abrupt slap to start thinking straight again.

Making things adversarial is not good, regardless of the situation. Keep thinking “me vs. the world” and you’ll be funding her dates and affairs through court ordered alimony.
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post #501 of 713 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 07:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

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Give him a bit. He’s getting advice from three places and is now thinking extremely Black and white. Unfortunately, he is probably going to need to fall flat on his face. We have all watched it or experienced it, sometimes you need that abrupt slap to start thinking straight again.

Making things adversarial is not good, regardless of the situation. Keep thinking “me vs. the world” and you’ll be funding her dates and affairs through court ordered alimony.
Well, my thinking has evolved toward black and white. And that's based on advice here and elsewhere and from convos with 2 attorneys.

Stepping back here for moment, it's a little humorous the degree and intensity there is in some poster's declarations regarding the states of mind of my wife and the OM. And these are based only on what I have posted which is only snippets of real life.

Sure, there are analogous characteristics here as there are even between totally random events. A little humility could be expected.

Perhaps I will fall on my face. Perhaps I am still reacting irrationally rather than exercising sober judgment and radical acceptance. But I am clear on my goal and how I want to approach it even if some, based on my descriptions, and their own biases and priorities, don't understand it. For 2 weeks I have been floundering about, receiving conflicting advice here and elsewhere, and talked to 2 attorneys. That I have chosen a path that others don't agree with doesn't mean I am an idiot or otherwise.

I don't want to be combative here, just observing that after taking in a while lot of insight, suggestions, and slap-in-face pronouncements, I have hacked a plan together.

I get the risk that exposure could turn this adversarial and I see the judgment you're exercising in warning me off such an approach. It makes sense. But, a judge is unlikely going to make me pay more for telling our family and friends the truth. The mediator is unlikely to push me to accept an unacceptable division of assets because I told our friends and family the truth.

Am I an idiot for seeing things this way? Maybe. Will I believe that I stood up for myself and family via exposure? Yes. I ain't going down without a fight and if at the end of the fight I don't reconcile, well, I would have done something.

Many of you think I am wasting my time and inflicting greater emotional pain on to myself. Well, I'm a man and I've endured emotional pain before. I'll take some more on if it means that I might reconcile my marriage.
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post #502 of 713 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 08:09 PM
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

DD,

You wrote, [/b]I get the risk that exposure could turn this adversarial and I see the judgment you're exercising in warning me off such an approach. It makes sense. But, a judge is unlikely going to make me pay more for telling our family and friends the truth. The mediator is unlikely to push me to accept an unacceptable division of assets because I told our friends and family the truth.[b]

If someone had stolen from you nobody would object to making the criminals name public and that's just money, how much more valuable is your family to you, large crimes do not deserve secrecy. Sunlight is a good cleanser of evil.
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post #503 of 713 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 08:33 PM
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

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Originally Posted by DrDetroit View Post
Well, my thinking has evolved toward black and white. And that's based on advice here and elsewhere and from convos with 2 attorneys.

Stepping back here for moment, it's a little humorous the degree and intensity there is in some poster's declarations regarding the states of mind of my wife and the OM. And these are based only on what I have posted which is only snippets of real life.

Sure, there are analogous characteristics here as there are even between totally random events. A little humility could be expected.

Perhaps I will fall on my face. Perhaps I am still reacting irrationally rather than exercising sober judgment and radical acceptance. But I am clear on my goal and how I want to approach it even if some, based on my descriptions, and their own biases and priorities, don't understand it. For 2 weeks I have been floundering about, receiving conflicting advice here and elsewhere, and talked to 2 attorneys. That I have chosen a path that others don't agree with doesn't mean I am an idiot or otherwise.

I don't want to be combative here, just observing that after taking in a while lot of insight, suggestions, and slap-in-face pronouncements, I have hacked a plan together.

I get the risk that exposure could turn this adversarial and I see the judgment you're exercising in warning me off such an approach. It makes sense. But, a judge is unlikely going to make me pay more for telling our family and friends the truth. The mediator is unlikely to push me to accept an unacceptable division of assets because I told our friends and family the truth.

Am I an idiot for seeing things this way? Maybe. Will I believe that I stood up for myself and family via exposure? Yes. I ain't going down without a fight and if at the end of the fight I don't reconcile, well, I would have done something.

Many of you think I am wasting my time and inflicting greater emotional pain on to myself. Well, I'm a man and I've endured emotional pain before. I'll take some more on if it means that I might reconcile my marriage.
In most cases a judge or a mediator could care less if you exposed, she had an affair etc. How bad does she want out and how lenient in the deal is the question. 50/50 split rarely happens despite all the fair and equitable crap lawyers and judges spew. She wants out, she's far more willing to take a less favorable settlement so she can run off to dreamland now. Judges and mediators don't want to make decisions, they want the 2 of you to figure out the split.

You know your financial position and should have an idea of how much it's gonna cost you. If say your on the hook for 10 years alimony as an example, today she may very well take 5 year's to get a deal done today. You make her mad and she pushing for all 10 years. These are the things you need to think about. Your heart wants R, we get that but eating ramen noodles get old quick. Some people have gotten sweetheart deals cause a wayward spouse is so convinced eutopia awaits after divorce.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #504 of 713 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 08:51 PM
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

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Originally Posted by DrDetroit View Post
Well, my thinking has evolved toward black and white. And that's based on advice here and elsewhere and from convos with 2 attorneys.

Stepping back here for moment, it's a little humorous the degree and intensity there is in some poster's declarations regarding the states of mind of my wife and the OM. And these are based only on what I have posted which is only snippets of real life.

Sure, there are analogous characteristics here as there are even between totally random events. A little humility could be expected.

Perhaps I will fall on my face. Perhaps I am still reacting irrationally rather than exercising sober judgment and radical acceptance. But I am clear on my goal and how I want to approach it even if some, based on my descriptions, and their own biases and priorities, don't understand it. For 2 weeks I have been floundering about, receiving conflicting advice here and elsewhere, and talked to 2 attorneys. That I have chosen a path that others don't agree with doesn't mean I am an idiot or otherwise.

I don't want to be combative here, just observing that after taking in a while lot of insight, suggestions, and slap-in-face pronouncements, I have hacked a plan together.

I get the risk that exposure could turn this adversarial and I see the judgment you're exercising in warning me off such an approach. It makes sense. But, a judge is unlikely going to make me pay more for telling our family and friends the truth. The mediator is unlikely to push me to accept an unacceptable division of assets because I told our friends and family the truth.

Am I an idiot for seeing things this way? Maybe. Will I believe that I stood up for myself and family via exposure? Yes. I ain't going down without a fight and if at the end of the fight I don't reconcile, well, I would have done something.

Many of you think I am wasting my time and inflicting greater emotional pain on to myself. Well, I'm a man and I've endured emotional pain before. I'll take some more on if it means that I might reconcile my marriage.
I want you to read this just so you’re not surprised if her family and friends just circle their wagons and ostracize you:
https://news.umich.edu/commit-a-crim...got-your-back/
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post #505 of 713 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 08:59 PM
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

@honcho is so right. Keep things status quo (meaning don't expose--use as leverage) if you have any concern for how the financials will shake out. Strike fast and hot while she is in the affair fog and is wanting out ASAP.

I also think she is too far gone to be a good candidate for R. If I thought otherwise, I wouldn't have advised you to not expose.

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post #506 of 713 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 09:15 PM
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

It's your life your call not ours.
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post #507 of 713 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 10:59 PM
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell family and friends that she is in an affair. I don't think you should blast the news to hundreds of people on social media, but those who are close to you should be informed. As suggested, you can hold back on any exposure to gain some leverage in your negotiations, but in the end it's your choice when you expose.

From what you've told us, exposure isn't going to bring her back to you. It will, however, allow you to offer a truthful narrative before her spin and lies take hold.
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post #508 of 713 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 12:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

Interesting development last night - saw an email from my wife to the OM indicating that she would respect the request for no further communication. I didn't see what prompted that reply.

I suspect that getting together with the OMs wife and one of my wife's friends this past weekend may have played a role since we discussed what no contact would look like and getting over the OMs wife's thoughts that insisting on no contact was too controlling.

For their kids sake, I do hope that they recover their marriage.
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post #509 of 713 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 12:37 PM
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

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Originally Posted by DrDetroit View Post
Interesting development last night - saw an email from my wife to the OM indicating that she would respect the request for no further communication. I didn't see what prompted that reply.

I suspect that getting together with the OMs wife and one of my wife's friends this past weekend may have played a role since we discussed what no contact would look like and getting over the OMs wife's thoughts that insisting on no contact was too controlling.

For their kids sake, I do hope that they recover their marriage.
Again man, get your head on straight.

She didn’t stop communications for you or for your marriage.

She stopped because he asked her to. She just got dumped, probably.

She respects him but not you. That’s what this means.
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post #510 of 713 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 01:18 PM
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Re: Separated and headed toward divorce - Wife wants to divorce, but I don't

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Originally Posted by DrDetroit View Post
Interesting development last night - saw an email from my wife to the OM indicating that she would respect the request for no further communication. I didn't see what prompted that reply.

I suspect that getting together with the OMs wife and one of my wife's friends this past weekend may have played a role since we discussed what no contact would look like and getting over the OMs wife's thoughts that insisting on no contact was too controlling.

For their kids sake, I do hope that they recover their marriage.
Sorry, but the hell with them doc, not everything is reconcilable. Not wanting to be a p****, but to make the world livable some choose the right things. Not to say yours won't suit you. But sometimes linear is black and white, enough to do the unthinkable.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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