Re: 9 years ago
I say nobody gets the full truth. In reality, some people do, a very few, maybe less than 1%. But it's almost impossible to get the full truth. Even if you know all the hard facts, you never get to see what was inside her head. Even if you got her diary, her journal, would it be the full truth? Probably not.
The cheaters lie to the affair partner, too. The cheating wife usually is motivated by the emotional "feelings." The cheating wife will lie to the affair partner, the cheating wife will lie to herself, to keep getting the "feelings" coming. The feelings the cheating wife wants usually is feeling desired, feeling feminine, feeling a sexual, romantic being, feeling validation of their looks, their desirability. Doesn't that feel good for everyone? Maybe not enough for you to cheat to get it, but for your wife, and for many others, including husbands, too, that's a big part of it. Your wife does not seem all that motivated by sex, but she was willing to trade the sex for the feelings.
Your loser friend who you tried to help, your wife didn't care about anything else than the fact that he wanted her in a way she hadn't felt from you. That may or may not be true, but that was what your wife felt. That was her feeling. Typically as husband and wife in a longer-term marriage, especially with kids in the house, romance and sexuality gets compartmentalized to the last thing to do, and one or the other of you is too tired by the time it gets there. You talk about how the baby or kid is, if the child is sick, behaving well or not, having friends or not, coordinating the birthday parties and such the kid has to attend, school issues, finance issues, chores, cars, jobs, extended family members, etc., etc., etc. How do you separate that from when it is time for romance?
Compare that with the affair partner. The affair partner and your cheater focus completely on romance and sex and I love you's. You the betrayed fool, is the babysitter, so the two cheaters can focus only on their sex and "feelings." It's an escape, it's an addiction, it's a vacation from reality. Yet it seems real to the cheaters at that time. Frequently, I don't say most, the guy is motivated largely by sex. There is an emotional feeling of being wanted, of being able to get this committed woman, being wanted more than the boss, who has a lot more money and status, so the affair partner guy thinks he must really be the hottest guy around, a real gift to women because he doesn't have the same other things in life than you. Or he thinks himself more skillful than you in being a player. Very typical these guys drop the married cheating woman as soon as the gig's up. He doesn't really like her that much other than the sex, too much work to give her all those feelings, when all he wants to do is have the sex, he doesn't want the baggage of her and her kids and her wanting to be provided financially. I think deep down all those involved know this, but the cheating wife sometimes is lying to herself, optimistically thinking "why would he say he loved me if he didn't reallly" when she does know that some guys might lie to get in a woman's pants, but by that time she's already painted him as a really nice, honest, stand-up guy.
Did your wife really want to drop whatever she's doing to go be with this guy at a moment's notice like the post you read she told him? Maybe, but probably not, but she wanted to keep him giving her those feelings. Did you think he really wanted to text her a thousand times every day? No, but that was a price to get what he wanted. She wanted all that attention. How validating could it be, some guy texts her a thousand every day to tell her how he wants her, send me some pics, I can't wait to do it with you again, you're so hot and pretty, blah blah blah, and she says "why would he invest so much time if he really didn't love me?"
I have my own sad story, I've read a lot about others, both people I know in person, and reading so much online, that these things are fairly predictable. It is both disturbing and reassuring to see how predictable people are given similar situations. That's not just true about infidelity. But you as a "9 years later" guy posting on an anonymous forum, I could probably go and easily find a dozen or so "5 years later" or "12 years later" or whatever, and every guy is posting basically the same as yours, saying the wife is sorry, but they don't feel like they got the whole truth, they don't want to blow up their life over it, conflicted, still bothers them, they never bring it up with their cheater. These cheaters are not bad people. If you divorced your wife, you'd go out with women eventually and you'd never know. After divorce, your wife would meet a guy quick, she can't be without a man in her life too long, never has been I'd bet, and I'm pretty sure she would never tell the guy about the cheating unless she said stuff like "it was a rocky time, he showed no interest in me, I thought he didn't care about me" and basically blamed you for it. But likely she never tells the next guy at all.
You are not immune to lying to yourself, either. There is a reason you posted now 9 years later. You reached a point of "this isn't getting better and I thought it would." Like a small physical ailment that's not healing, at some point, you reach out for the doctor. Maybe you go online first and read to find out what the problem is, what others have had it, and is there a fix for me.