Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with... - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 70Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 08:44 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 59
Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

... the woman she cheated on me with (while she and I were dating).

Also, please forgive me if I'm in the correct forum or not.

I'm a woman and Kayla was my first same-sex experience in both getting physical with another woman and dating. I was struggling accept my sexuality, while she had identified as lesbian as early as she could remember. The same age as I, she seemed to have her stuff together, was a successful business professional, involved in philanthropic efforts and volunteered her time at various charities and programs- but there was something about her that gave me caution. I naively waved it off.

In the end (and what my intuition always knew), she had been using me the entire time. She never stopped talking to her ex Rebecca while she and I were dating. She'd dump me, officially get back together with her, then come back to me when they fought. In my gut, I knew something was up so I confronted her on it, but she denied it, told me their "window had passed," to stop being so sensitive because it was just platonic and this was how lesbian/bisexual relationships worked- women keep their exes around as friends. She had other exes as friends too, but I was naive and so new to this, I bought it.

Eventually, she revealed the truth to a friend who then told me (that she had been talking with Rebecca the entire time) and that things had got a little "handsy." Basically, she cheated. She also told this friend I was just "okay" and that Rebecca, a rich older woman who was still married to a man for financial reasons (apparently, they are very wealthy/have social status in LA) and had a large house in LA, was all she had ever wanted and dreamed of. I was runner-up, but "nice enough."

Weeks later, deeply depressed and nursing my wounds, I'd run into Kayla and Rebecca. I looked a mess, but Kayla was exuberant with Rebecca, holding her hand. They didn't see me, so I dragged myself back to the car and cried my eyes out alone. Still, I never said anything to Kayla. I did my best to move on. This was three years ago and it scarred me for a while, being my first lesbian experience.

1.5 years ago, Kayla came back out-of-the-blue. She text messaged me saying she wanted to meet and try to work things out this time. I never replied and never said what I knew and chose to leave it in the past. It had taken me so damn long to heal.

Then last month happened. I ran into a friend who said Kayla was getting married to an older woman. When she showed me her pic, it clearly wasn't Rebecca. It's a new woman and apparently they are getting married in June and living together.

Last holiday weekend, I went out of town to LA and to the movies with a friend. We're standing in the concession stand line when a familiar face walks in- it's Kayla and she's not alone, but it isn't her fiancee. It's Rebecca. Not too much of a surprise since LA is where Rebecca lives (Kayla lives about 2 hours away).
They seemingly appear to be friends, but when they near the restroom, they stop and kiss for a few seconds, then hold hands while walking off. I felt my body go numb, then cold. My jaw dropped. She's still cheating and she's doing it to someone else. I never saw them again at the theater or in the shopping center it's located in.

I'm at a cross-roads as to what to do, if anything. Because I never told Kayla I knew about Rebecca (since it was all found out after the fact), it feels like I'm reliving it again... but mainly, she's doing it to someone else and with the same damn woman, no less. Unlike me, she's set to marry the woman she's cheating on! Even after these past few years, Kayla hasn't changed at all.

But what, if anything, do I do? Do I say something to her fiancee, who I don't even know and would have to find out info through my friend? Would she even believe me?

And I'm clouded by feelings of resentment. Am I doing this out of revenge, because she hurt me so much? Possibly. Then again, I'd want to know if someone is cheating on me before I married them.

I'm not sure what the right thing to do is or how to proceed. What would you do?


Last edited by cali_chick; 12-07-2019 at 03:43 PM.
cali_chick is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 10:31 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Where have all the friends gone? Where is Red Dog? Why is the Red Queen raising an army?
Posts: 11,307
Re: Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

Kayla never believed much in that saying" One bird in your hand is better than two having bushes".

She had all three.

Since she did not really give a hoot about the other birds she flocked with, why would you care?

Find a bird that mates for life.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
SunCMars is offline  
post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 10:46 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 7,222
Re: Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

Yes I would want to know. I would also make sure Rebecca's husband knows, it may well be a lie that theirs is just a marriage of convenience and either way she is cheating.
Diana7 is offline  
 
post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 11:50 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 1,720
Re: Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

I agree with Diana, but don't get yourself pulled back in to the drama. Do it anonymously if you can...
jlg07 is offline  
post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 12:31 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 5,351
Re: Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cali_chick View Post
... the woman she cheated on me with (while she and I were dating).

Also, please forgive me if I'm in the correct forum or not.

I'm a woman and Kayla was my first same-sex experience in both getting physical with another woman and dating. In the end, she used me the entire time. She never stopped talking to her ex Rebecca while she and I were dating. She'd dump me, officially get back together with her, then come back to me when they fought. In my gut, I knew something was up so I confronted her on it, but she denied it, told me their "window had passed," to stop being so sensitive because it was just platonic and this was how lesbian/bisexual relationships worked- women keep their exes around as friends. She had other exes as friends too, but I was naive and so new to this, I bought it.

Eventually, she revealed the truth to a friend who then told me (that she had been talking with Rebecca the entire time) and that things had got a little "handsy." Basically, she cheated. She also told this friend I was just "okay" and that Rebecca, a rich older woman who was still married to a man for financial reasons (apparently, they are very wealthy/have social status in LA) and had a large house in LA, was all she had ever wanted and dreamed of. I was runner-up, but "nice enough."

Weeks later, deeply depressed and nursing my wounds, I'd run into Kayla and Rebecca. I looked a mess, but Kayla was exuberant with Rebecca, holding her hand. They didn't see me, so I dragged myself back to the car and cried my eyes out alone. Still, I never said anything to Kayla. I did my best to move on. This was three years ago and it scarred me for a while, being my first lesbian experience.

1.5 years ago, Kayla came back out-of-the-blue. She text messaged me saying she wanted to meet and try to work things out this time. I never replied and never said what I knew and chose to leave it in the past. It had taken me so damn long to heal.

Then last month happened. I ran into a friend who said Kayla was getting married to an older woman. When she showed me her pic, it clearly wasn't Rebecca. It's a new woman and apparently they are getting married in June and living together.

Last holiday weekend, I went out of town to LA and to the movies with a friend. We're standing in the concession stand line when a familiar face walks in- it's Kayla and she's not alone, but it isn't her fiancee. It's Rebecca. Not too much of a surprise since LA is were Rebecca lives (Kayla lives about 2 hours away).
They seemingly appear to be friends, but when they near the restroom, they stop and kiss for a few seconds, then hold hands while walking off. I felt my body go numb, then cold. My jaw dropped. She's still cheating and she's doing it to someone else. I never saw them again at the theater or in the shopping center it's located in.

I'm at a cross-roads as to what to do. Because I never told Kayla anything I knew about Rebecca since it was all found out after the fact, it feels like I'm reliving it again... but mainly, she's doing it to someone else and with the same damn woman, no less. Unlike me, she's set to marry the woman she's cheating on! Even after these past few years, Kayla hasn't changed at all.

But what do I do? Do I say something to her fiancee, who I don't even know and would have to find out info through my friend? Would she even believe me?

And I'm clouded by feelings of resentment. Am I doing this out of revenge, because she hurt me so much? Possibly. Then again, I'd want to know if someone is cheating on me before I married them.

I'm not sure what the right thing to do is or how to proceed. What would you do?
Kayla, is a narcissistic user, look up narcissist and run..............

The life you have, is the life you create
aine is offline  
post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 02:58 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 36
Re: Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

Sorry that happened to you. The other replies have given some good advice, and I don't have much to add.

To answer the question you asked in your title, I think the following two statements can be true at the same time (for me, anyway):

1. I would find the pain of knowing a loved one's betrayal unpleasant and soul-scouring beyond words.

2. If given the choice between knowing and not knowing, I would still choose knowing, so that I could move forward.

Wishing you the best. This **** sucks regardless of who you are.
fto0293 is offline  
post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 04:21 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 27,823
Re: Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

You could set up a one shot email account with a male name and send it to the fiancee. Pose as a friend of the husband.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
(Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now  
post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 04:38 AM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Where have all the friends gone? Where is Red Dog? Why is the Red Queen raising an army?
Posts: 11,307
Re: Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

Quote:
Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
You could set up a one shot email account with a male name and send it to the fiancee. Pose as a friend of the husband.
Ah yes, employ that sock them in the face, puppet.

In that one hot and wordy blast, give up all the facts known to women.

Ah, and fire no tracer bullets, those that would lead back to your safe conspiring spot.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
SunCMars is offline  
post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 04:49 AM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Where have all the friends gone? Where is Red Dog? Why is the Red Queen raising an army?
Posts: 11,307
Re: Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

On secretly, getting back at {any those} that harm you:

Same sex advice needs of, the same hex advice.

There is, but little, that is strictly male sin and little that is, strictly, female sin.

Sin can be tattooed on either, as skin is that universal thin covering on all of humanity.

Humanity is this flawed duality, both joined oddly at the hip.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.

Last edited by SunCMars; 12-07-2019 at 04:53 AM. Reason: missing modifiers added.
SunCMars is offline  
post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 05:52 AM
Member
 
aquarius1's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Canada,eh?
Posts: 600
Re: Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

While there is probably some minor hidden motive of revenge in there, i honestly wouldnt overthink that aspect.
I think its more that you were hurt so badly and really want to spare somebody else that hurt.
If this was happening to you, would you want to know?
I think a lot of people would. They may not believe or appreciate it at first. They may think you are just being jealous.
Honest opinion? Let the fiancee know. What they choose to do with the info is up to them.
Sounds like Kayla is a narcissist and a gold digger.

aquarius1 is offline  
post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 12:15 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Where have all the friends gone? Where is Red Dog? Why is the Red Queen raising an army?
Posts: 11,307
Re: Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

You left your heterosexual marriage behind. You left manhandling and now are experiencing that hen pecking.

It is my belief that same sex relationships are 'more' fraught with problems than hetero ones.

It seems the same biology that changed sides, cannot sit still but for a moments thrill.

An itch that cannot be scratched is one deep inside one's mind.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
SunCMars is offline  
post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 01:54 PM
Member
 
The Outlaw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: The Southern States
Posts: 196
Re: Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

I'd want to know but you're also better off without. Whether or not you decide to inform her fiancée or not, she'll find out one way or the other. If it were me and I ran into the happy couple again, I'd just duck out of sight. It's easier said than done but don't let what was done get you down. There are far better worth people out there for you. But she isn't one of them.

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
The Outlaw is online now  
post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 03:34 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 59
Re: Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

Thank you, everyone, for your kind advice. Not sure what I'm going to do, if anything. Perhaps I'm projecting wanting to protect her fiancee- when in all actuality, I want to go back in time and protect myself.

Still, it was hard to watch and to just allow it to happen? That's where I need to put ownership where it belongs: on Kayla. I cannot fathom getting engaged and making marriage plans, while driving hours away to have sex with my ex, then go back home and pick-up a bridal magazine. Alas, I'm just venting. It isn't happening to me and I already went through it (minus the engagement).

Again, thanks for your replies. They are certainly food for thought.
cali_chick is offline  
post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 10:40 PM
Member
 
Hopeful Cynic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,210
Re: Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cali_chick View Post
Thank you, everyone, for your kind advice. Not sure what I'm going to do, if anything. Perhaps I'm projecting wanting to protect her fiancee- when in all actuality, I want to go back in time and protect myself.

Still, it was hard to watch and to just allow it to happen? That's where I need to put ownership where it belongs: on Kayla. I cannot fathom getting engaged and making marriage plans, while driving hours away to have sex with my ex, then go back home and pick-up a bridal magazine. Alas, I'm just venting. It isn't happening to me and I already went through it (minus the engagement).

Again, thanks for your replies. They are certainly food for thought.
You have the ability to help someone innocent avoid being used by a selfish narcissist. Why would you want to help Kayla to continue hurting this poor woman?

There is no neutral stay-out-of-it position when you know about someone cheating. If you do nothing, you are enabling the cheating.
Hopeful Cynic is offline  
post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 10:53 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 59
Re: Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
You have the ability to help someone innocent avoid being used by a selfish narcissist. Why would you want to help Kayla to continue hurting this poor woman?

There is no neutral stay-out-of-it position when you know about someone cheating. If you do nothing, you are enabling the cheating.
After being a codependent all my life, if there's one thing I've learned is that it's okay to watch out for my overall well being.

If that is staying away from this situation to protect myself after all I went through (I didn't write much of what happened here), I'll do just that. If I change my mind and decide to say something because I don't think it will hurt me to do so, then I will.
cali_chick is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
cheating, divorce, gay, lesbian, marriage

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome