A little about why I'm here - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-12-2019, 06:27 PM Thread Starter
55Z
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A little about why I'm here

I'm 64(M) and my wife is 53(F) been married almost 26 years and together for almost 27.

In early 2016 shortly after I had a major surgery my wife confessed to keeping a secret from me for the past 4-5 years. I am not sure why but this lie we had been living sent me back to our beginning.

In the Beginning:
A few months after she moved in with me (before marriage) she went on a mini vacation. She told me she was going away for a few day when I asked why she was packing a bag the morning she was leaving - she had no intention of telling me. I got out of her where she was going, a city about a 7 hour drive away. With some inquiries I was able to figure out where she was. She had made arrangements to stay at a Hotel where an old co-worker was now a manager so she got a comp'd room (suite actually complete with Jacuzzi tub).

So I call her there on the room phone and a male voice answers the phone I hesitate for a few seconds and then ask for her. I hear them talking in the background for several seconds and she finally answers the phone. I ask her who answered the phone and she told me it was XXX (the guy she was seeing before me). I compose myself and hold back the urge to hangup on her and ask why he is there. She says that she promised him before we were together that if she went on this trip she would take him. I asked her if we are done, she said we will talk when she gets back. There was along silence and we both said goodbye and hung-up. I contemplated calling her back and telling her that her stuff will be at her parents and not to return to my home - I didn't do that.

When she returned we sat down and she told me that when I called they were in the Jacuzzi tub and that she was giving him a HJ and that after I called she locked herself in the bathroom for a hour and sat on the floor crying because she thought I would call it quits. We talked and we agreed nothing like this could happen again.

Now:
So after her confession in 2016 all that came flooding back to me and I told her several times over the next 2 years that I don't believe her story and that I am 100% certain it was an all out sex weekend. I should point out that back then and now she has shown no remorse or regret that she did this. She only recently admitted it was a poor choice to take XXX with her. She told me after the last time this came up that if I ever bring this up again we are done. She has softened a bit on that stance after I showed her a similar thread on one of these forums. After she was done reading it I could tell by the look in her eyes that she just realized at least a little bit how much she hurt me and our relationship.

And that is what made me go looking for help on line and find this forum. Not really looking for any help now - would have been nice if this place was available 27 years ago.

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post #2 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-12-2019, 06:36 PM
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Re: A little about why I'm here

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In early 2016 shortly after I had a major surgery my wife confessed to keeping a secret from me for the past 4-5 years. I am not sure why but this lie we had been living sent me back to our beginning.
What was the lie that she confessed to recently?

You don't believe your wife's story about what happened before you were married, but you haven't started divorce proceedings, so apparently you are willing to stay married to her when you know she did far more than what she initially told you. What would you like to happen now?


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post #3 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-12-2019, 07:19 PM
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Re: A little about why I'm here

Yeah, I agree with you that she did WAY more with her ex, and unfortunately you made a poor decision to take her back.
You should have just told her to stay there with him, because you were not going to forgive that.

What secret did she tell you that happened in the last 5 years?

BTW:
"I should point out that back then and now she has shown no remorse or regret that she did this. She only recently admitted it was a poor choice to take XXX with her. She told me after the last time this came up that if I ever bring this up again we are done."

This is BULL****E -- she has NO right to tell you that you are done -- you should say FINE, we are done because your story is crap. She admitted to giving him a HJ -- that IS cheating, and as you guessed, I'm sure it didn't stop at that.

Last edited by MattMatt; 12-12-2019 at 09:16 PM. Reason: Word Filter Violations
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post #4 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-12-2019, 09:20 PM
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Re: A little about why I'm here

@55Z I just moved you thread to CWI. As you are coping with her infidelity.

And she gives you an ultimatum? She's got chutzpah, hasn't she?

Was this the only time she cheated on you? You need to do some digging, perhaps set up a lie detector session for her.


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post #5 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-12-2019, 10:27 PM
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Re: A little about why I'm here

That pre-marriage affair was just a goodbye kiss.
Kisses, HJ, BJ, intercourse, of course.

Then again, she may be telling the truth.

Your phone call let the air out of her resolve, her Last Tango with her EXBF.
She ended any and all further love making with this guy, she went into the bathroom and bawled her eyes out and did not do more.

I doubt this. She went there with the intent of performing the Full Monty with this guy.
Oh, as a goodbye gesture, mind you.

She likely laid on the floor because, the EXBF disappointed her again. He would not commit, again. That is why she cried.

I suspect your 'then fiancee' (at that time) was not sure what she wanted and was going to test drive him one more time.

He failed the test (again) and she came back to you.

It could have gone the other way, mind you.
It was a close decision.
That is why she was never remorseful.

She thinks herself the prize, two men wanted her, and you got her, be grateful.
Yes.

She loved him more that you, that is why she took such a chance, left you in the lurch and took advantage of your feeling.

In the end, she re-realized that you were a better pick for a husband, so she so kindly 'took' you back.
It was a very hard decision for her.

I suspect, the EXBF, had done little more to shine in her eyes. But, she was a-hopin'.

Oh, my!



She certainly had feelings for him and made no apologies for this.
Her saying that if you bring it up again, (means) that she still regrets making that original decision. She regrets losing him.
Nice.

She still has insufficient feelings for you.
And you better not forget it, or your are gone!

The best medicine for her at this point is just to file for divorce.

If she asks why, tell her that she has lost her 'luster', and that she has few if any redeeming qualities.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #6 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-12-2019, 10:39 PM
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Re: A little about why I'm here

What can you do? It is what it is. It's hard to be married to a remorseless POS who lied to you for 27 years though. She doesn't sound too concerned. Then again you weren't married, maybe she wasn't that in to you then. One question is why didn't you just dump her when the guy answered the phone?

At the very least I would consider asking her to take a poly. People who lie for 27 years usually lie about a whole **** ton of stuff. It's not a one off thing. Character is character. This is who you married, she doesn't care if it bothers you. In her mind it's none of your business, and that is not going to change. You need to do what you refused to do all those years ago and still to this day. Accept that this is who she is, she doesn't give a damn if it bothers you, then decided if that is who you want to be married to.

You hear all the time that the BS has to eat a **** sandwich, but most of the time the WS -- IS the **** sandwich.

Last edited by sokillme; 12-13-2019 at 12:46 AM.
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post #7 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-12-2019, 11:41 PM
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Re: A little about why I'm here

Why is this a discussion 27 years into marriage? I guess I don't understand how the physical details outweigh the fact that she planned a weekend with this old flame, went through with it, and then came back to you. This should have been put to rest the second you decided to continue with the relationship. What did she confess to 7 years ago? I am confused by the original post since she already had a talk with you 27 years ago after the original deed.

I normally have unpopular opinions on here, but you can't keep punishing someone after putting it to rest nearly 30 years ago. What she did was wrong, but marrying her should have been a fresh slate. You chose this person to be your life partner knowing she did this. She shouldn't be so cold about this issue though. Id suggest changing your approach or look for ways to release the resentment. Maybe try to spice up the romance? It seems like you may be feeling insecure so its triggering those memories.
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post #8 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-13-2019, 02:23 AM
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Re: A little about why I'm here

55z, something triggered this. Can you find out what it is? Anyhow, she chose you because her paramour dumped her, and I guess, somehow, she's feeling it now. What I surmise, though, is that there has been some kind of contact. Call her bluff: Bring it up again full force!
post #9 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-13-2019, 04:35 AM
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Re: A little about why I'm here

I don't get it. She packed up and planned to spend a weekend with her ex in a hotel with no plans to tell you, except you caught her before she could leave. Then she blatantly lied to you, went to the hotel, and had sex with her ex. You proceeded to sit around waiting for her to get home and then you married her. You married her knowing she planned and executed an affair. You married her knowing exactly what kind of person she is. So why, 26+ years later, is this even a thing? You long ago accepted being married to a remorseless cheater, so why are you having trouble now?

And, yes, she is remorseless. You know how I can tell? Because she saw and spoke to you while packing up to go **** him. If she actually felt guilty or a shred of remorse, she'd have stopped there. She didn't. She wasn't worried about losing you when she packed up, traveled to the hotel, took off her clothes, jumped in a jacuzzi, and started stroking his penis. She wasn't worried about losing you after you called her, her lover answered the phone, and she told you she'd talk about it when she got back. If she gave a real damn, she'd have immediately left and come home to work it out or end it. What did she do? She went back to screwing her lover and wandered home when he was finished with her.

I have to agree with your wife. You stayed. You chose to stay 26+ years ago. You married her knowing who and what you married. It's time to either file papers or let it go.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #10 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-13-2019, 06:07 AM
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Re: A little about why I'm here

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Originally Posted by moulinyx View Post
Why is this a discussion 27 years into marriage? I guess I don't understand how the physical details outweigh the fact that she planned a weekend with this old flame, went through with it, and then came back to you. This should have been put to rest the second you decided to continue with the relationship. What did she confess to 7 years ago? I am confused by the original post since she already had a talk with you 27 years ago after the original deed.

I normally have unpopular opinions on here, but you can't keep punishing someone after putting it to rest nearly 30 years ago. What she did was wrong, but marrying her should have been a fresh slate. You chose this person to be your life partner knowing she did this. She shouldn't be so cold about this issue though. Id suggest changing your approach or look for ways to release the resentment. Maybe try to spice up the romance? It seems like you may be feeling insecure so its triggering those memories.
it would be punishing his WW if he got the full truth from his WW. he never got that.
all he got was 27 years of trickle truth, and the threat to leave him if he mentioned, ask
about her cheating again.

this WW is bluffing, tell her she is taking a polygraph because her lying to him is keeping
him from healing and leaving her cheating in the past.

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post #11 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-13-2019, 06:46 AM
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Re: A little about why I'm here

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I don't get it. She packed up and planned to spend a weekend with her ex in a hotel with no plans to tell you, except you caught her before she could leave. Then she blatantly lied to you, went to the hotel, and had sex with her ex. You proceeded to sit around waiting for her to get home and then you married her. You married her knowing she planned and executed an affair. You married her knowing exactly what kind of person she is. So why, 26+ years later, is this even a thing? You long ago accepted being married to a remorseless cheater, so why are you having trouble now?

And, yes, she is remorseless. You know how I can tell? Because she saw and spoke to you while packing up to go **** him. If she actually felt guilty or a shred of remorse, she'd have stopped there. She didn't. She wasn't worried about losing you when she packed up, traveled to the hotel, took off her clothes, jumped in a jacuzzi, and started stroking his penis. She wasn't worried about losing you after you called her, her lover answered the phone, and she told you she'd talk about it when she got back. If she gave a real damn, she'd have immediately left and come home to work it out or end it. What did she do? She went back to screwing her lover and wandered home when he was finished with her.

I have to agree with your wife. You stayed. You chose to stay 26+ years ago. You married her knowing who and what you married. It's time to either file papers or let it go.
The key is in the title.

When he saw he had been cheated on, he took it as something that he was responsible rather than her. He decided it was his fault,

It is actually clear why he is here, she cheated. He is wondering what he did wrong rather than accepting he is not responsible for her actions.
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post #12 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-13-2019, 08:40 AM
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Re: A little about why I'm here

What did she confess to in 2016?

As to the beginning of your relationship and how she talks to you concerning her behavior....

You are exhibiting signs of extreme low self-worth no self-confidence and placing her on a pedestal.

She is showing entitlement, taking you for granted and absolutely no respect or real love for you.

I still have a hard time believing stuff like this exists?

Regardless of marital status, girlfriend, live in or otherwise, some bimbo takes off for a weekend with another man and she would find anything of hers that I possessed, deposited at her parents or at the guy's house she ran off with.

I wish you thought you were worth the attention and affection of a human woman instead of the lizard you are with.
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post #13 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-13-2019, 08:45 AM
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Re: A little about why I'm here

What is the big secret she confessed? Another affair?

What she did 27 years ago gave you the perfect opportunity to get out of the relationship. Why did you take her back after she showed you her true character?

It is very confusing for you to start with a big secret that showed you to be living a lie for the past 4-5 years then jump to 27 years ago before marriage without telling us the current problem. You can do nothing about what happened back then but regret the path you took.
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post #14 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-13-2019, 08:46 AM
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Re: A little about why I'm here

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
What did she confess to in 2016?

As to the beginning of your relationship and how she talks to you concerning her behavior....

You are exhibiting signs of extreme low self-worth no self-confidence and placing her on a pedestal.

She is showing entitlement, taking you for granted and absolutely no respect or real love for you.

I still have a hard time believing stuff like this exists?

Regardless of marital status, girlfriend, live in or otherwise, some bimbo takes off for a weekend with another man and she would find anything of hers that I possessed, deposited at her parents or at the guy's house she ran off with.

I wish you thought you were worth the attention and affection of a human woman instead of the lizard you are with.
Yes!

Or in the nearest dumpster!
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post #15 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-13-2019, 09:23 AM
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Re: A little about why I'm here

I'm guessing you meant that the pre-marriage incident was dormant in your mind until about 2016, when the incident came back to a place in the forefront of your mind.

Then for about two years after 2016, you brought it up with her repetitively until she advised just stop bringing it up, or we're done.

If this isn't the case, pls advise.

Soooo, this said.

It seems you accepted her "last fling", or whatever it was, after her return 26 years ago.

For whatever reason this trouble passed, and it has been not a frequent thought for you, and not a trouble, for about 24 yrs.

Soooo, that said, why after bringing up in 2016, did you keep bringing it up and harping on it. Was there other cheating?

Because without other bad actions on her part, such as EAs, or PAs, poor boundaries, etc. that ship has ling sailed my friend.

If my above facts are correct I'm taking a different tact here. There are two choices.

1. Barring unless other troubles with her, the "statute of limitations" has run out for typical reasonable troubles with her on the original problem.

Now if you harp on it, it puts you in a bad light.

Or

2. If you are having an atypical response, it's now become a real issue you can't let go of for whatever reason, then you have to go all the way and divorce.

Sooo,

You reopening, keeping it open for whatever reason to flog her with it until you tire, then expect to go back to the good M you've had for 24 yrs, only after you get tired of bringing it up; yes, would and should be tedious and anger generating to her. And should be.

So if all has been well between you two, and this was forgotten for so long, consider she may have a point.

It sounds like for two years you've hounded her with it after 23 great years.

That's a problem my friend. But yours.
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