ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 94Likes
Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 02:38 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 584
Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

I don't have much to add other than my sympathy. Whatever direction you take, it will be difficult. I wish you the very best and hope that things work out for you.

FalCod is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 03:27 PM
Member
 
Marduk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 18,039
Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

I think it's possible to get over cheating, especially if it's a one-off event. But it doesn't mean it's easy, or even that you should do it. Some people just aren't cut out for 'getting over it.' I'm one of them. So, I guess my question to you would be: is it something you want to get over, and think you can get over? If so, then get a good MC and a good IC and go for it. If not, don't belabor things, just end it.

I will caveat that by saying that while it's very possible he's had one ONS and that's the end of it, in my experience it's exceedingly uncommon. Usually the admission of a ONS is to alleviate the guilt of cheating, and seems to represent 'forgive me for cheating' instead of 'forgive me for this one night with this one person.' Usually it's either a string of ONS's over the course of the relationship, or an actual weeks/months/years long affair. I think of it as the 1% rule - people usually only confess 1% of what actually happened, in the hopes that you'll forgive them and stay.

Additionally, it's rare that you move past this one infidelity, and then it's over. It's more common for people's past behaviour to predict their future behaviour unless some core change has happened, which does not seem to be the case here. You didn't even think infidelity was a concern when it happened. So what's changed?
Marduk is online now  
post #18 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 03:49 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 7,262
Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VladDracul View Post
Another case where someone should have kept their friggin mouth shut and not hurt those around him to relieve his guilt.
Why would anyone want to be with someone who has cheated and lied and not told them?
Diana7 is offline  
 
post #19 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 03:54 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 7,262
Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mybabysgotit View Post
My wife and I went through this many years ago. I know she was hurt at the time but now just thinks i'm an idiot for what I've done. We've had a great relationship since.

Many may not agree, but I think there's a huge difference between a ONS and an ongoing affair. If my wife had a ONS, I would most likely forgive her and move on. If she were to have any contact with the person afterwards, I would divorce. At least that's the difference for me.

You're whole scenario sounds so much like mine even to the point of blurting it out when I had some drinks. It was weighing heavily on him and he had to tell you; there's something to be said for that right there.
I don't see any difference. He had plenty of opportunity throughout that evening and night to stop but he didn't. Cheating shows a character flaw and lack of integrity, as did the fact that it took him 2 years to confess which is a long time.
Diana7 is offline  
post #20 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 03:58 PM
Member
 
Marduk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 18,039
Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I don't see any difference. He had plenty of opportunity throughout that evening and night to stop but he didn't. Cheating shows a character flaw and lack of integrity, as did the fact that it took him 2 years to confess which is a long time.
Exactly.

Not only did he cheat, but he exposed her to god knows what for two years without even knowing it. Zero integrity.
Marduk is online now  
post #21 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 04:10 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 7,262
Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marduk View Post
Exactly.

Not only did he cheat, but he exposed her to god knows what for two years without even knowing it. Zero integrity.
Absolutely. A woman with morals like that may well have an STD. or more than one.
Diana7 is offline  
post #22 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 04:18 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2019
Location: South Florida
Posts: 57
Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I don't see any difference. He had plenty of opportunity throughout that evening and night to stop but he didn't. Cheating shows a character flaw and lack of integrity, as did the fact that it took him 2 years to confess which is a long time.
That's precisely why I started with "some may not agree". Just for this reason...lol.

In any case, it's disturbing how you fail to see the difference between a ONS with no other contact with the person versus a full blown affair with multiple counts of infidelity. But then again, that's the vibe I get from this forum. People here seem a little more butthurt than most.
Mybabysgotit is offline  
post #23 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 04:34 PM
Member
 
Marduk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 18,039
Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mybabysgotit View Post
That's precisely why I started with "some may not agree". Just for this reason...lol.

In any case, it's disturbing how you fail to see the difference between a ONS with no other contact with the person versus a full blown affair with multiple counts of infidelity. But then again, that's the vibe I get from this forum. People here seem a little more butthurt than most.
Of course there's a difference, just like there's a difference between hitting someone once and hitting someone repeatedly. But they're both physical abuse.

And like physical abuse, it's infrequently a one-time event, and shows that they have the ability and willingness to do it.

Besides, he exposed her to health risks she wasn't even aware of for two years. That's a removal of informed consent if I've ever heard it, and needs to be dealt with if reconciliation is ever going to truly occur.
Marduk is online now  
post #24 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 04:39 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2019
Location: Midwest/Plains
Posts: 1,741
Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

rikkai, do you think you will be better off with him or than without him. Once you answered this puts alot of area's in place and this will than help the advice be better suited.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
Tilted 1 is online now  
post #25 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 04:44 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 5
Quote:
Originally Posted by OP
He said he was conscious of it being wrong but he felt the marriage was so bad, he figured why not?
This kind of blame-shifting, although quite common, is one of the most negative things he can do. His adultery is NOT YOUR FAULT, not even a scintilla. He must own it.[/QUOTE]

So he hasn't blamed me and is quick to say he knows there's no excuse and he doesn't even want to try giving me one because he knows it was completely wrong. I asked him to help me understsnd why he did it and that's when he mentioned that our marriage was in a bad place at the time, etc. But he really hasn't put blame on me, offered to sleep elsewhere to give me space if needed, said it was the worst mistake, swears nothing else has ever happened. Said he brought it up bc it's been in his mind and he tried hiding it because he'd know I leave and he really wanted to save us (we've been really good since then).

But it still feels like how is this man even the same guy? I don't want to kiss this guy and always be reminded of her. I've also expressed to him how do I trust that he's telling the full truth. He said he completely understands and I have every right to question him. But he'd like to try therapy and see if we can heal because he doesn't want to lose us.

It's like he's saying the right things and seems genuine... But how can you trust anyone whose ever did such a big betrayal? ****.

rikkai is offline  
post #26 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 04:55 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 5
Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
I'm sorry to hear that this happened.

You ask if it ever gets better and if you ever love him again. If you can ever get over this.

There will be a lot of people responding to this thread telling you to divorce him and all sorts of other very negative things. But I'm going to give you a different point of view. The fact is that about 85% of marriages in which infidelity occurs go on the repair their marriage and even have a good marriage afterwards. It's completely possible to get beyond this.

The question is how do you do it. There are a lot of good books out there that can help. Here are two that your husband could learn a lot from. You would benefit from reading them too.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful


HOW TO HELP YOUR SPOUSE HEAL FROM YOUR AFFAIR: a guide to rebuilding your marriage


These two will help you rebuild your marriage and affair proof it going forward. The way to use these two books if for the two of you to read them, in the order listed, and to do the work that they say to do.

Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love-Building Habits


His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunsetmist View Post
First, your marriage will never be the same. He did something that he knew would destroy your marriage. How invested was his selfish self? How mature? Basically, he is lacking in integrity. He blames your marriage problems, his drinking, his lack of caring, etc. How about Lyft, cabs, Uber? He was afraid to come home, so he stayed and made out some more in the morning?

Second, does he still run with his male 'friend'? Friend of yours too? Is the bartender a 'friend too"? Has he seen the AP since or had contact with her? Does she hang at the bar? She knew he was married, but he chose this skank over you.

Third, once trust has been broken, things will never be the same. Read the books. If you decide to work on reconciliation, there will be years of work. What would happen if it had been you who had cheated on him?

Fourth, IMO he should stop drinking period. "Anything I would have stopped doing with him, I've already done." Really??? What if another girl kisses him and he decides why not f*** her, wife will take me back anyway?
He said he never got her number or anything. He says he's never seen or talked to her at all and was super embarrassed when he left the next day. I absolutely told him he needs to stop drinking-I swear to gosh he can drink three beers and turn into an ass. He doesn't drink much or even often but I feel like he's a lightweight and changes too fast.

And For the last part, I have no intentions on being intimate with him unless I heal. I keep trying to explain how I feel but can't even think of how to type it out 😞
rikkai is offline  
post #27 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 05:47 PM
Member
 
Andy1001's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 6,399
Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rikkai View Post
He said he never got her number or anything. He says he's never seen or talked to her at all and was super embarrassed when he left the next day. I absolutely told him he needs to stop drinking-I swear to gosh he can drink three beers and turn into an ass. He doesn't drink much or even often but I feel like he's a lightweight and changes too fast.

And For the last part, I have no intentions on being intimate with him unless I heal. I keep trying to explain how I feel but can't even think of how to type it out 😞
If he had been truly remorseful after his ons he would never have put himself into the same situation again. By this I mean drinking more than one or two drinks in any occasion.

When someone says itís not the money itís the principle,itís always the money.
Andy1001 is offline  
post #28 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 06:53 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 7,262
Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mybabysgotit View Post
That's precisely why I started with "some may not agree". Just for this reason...lol.

In any case, it's disturbing how you fail to see the difference between a ONS with no other contact with the person versus a full blown affair with multiple counts of infidelity. But then again, that's the vibe I get from this forum. People here seem a little more butthurt than most.
I haven't been cheated on so being 'butthurt' doesnt apply to me.

However, whether it was once or many times its still adultery. The trust has still been shattered. The marriage promises still broken. Lies told. Intimacy lost. The marriage covenant broken. The spouses health put at serious risk.
Diana7 is offline  
post #29 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 06:58 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 7,262
Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rikkai View Post
He said he never got her number or anything. He says he's never seen or talked to her at all and was super embarrassed when he left the next day. I absolutely told him he needs to stop drinking-I swear to gosh he can drink three beers and turn into an ass. He doesn't drink much or even often but I feel like he's a lightweight and changes too fast.

And For the last part, I have no intentions on being intimate with him unless I heal. I keep trying to explain how I feel but can't even think of how to type it out 😞
Make sure you both get tested for STD'S asap.
Diana7 is offline  
post #30 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 08:40 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: West Coast USA
Posts: 1,310
Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mybabysgotit View Post
That's precisely why I started with "some may not agree". Just for this reason...lol.

In any case, it's disturbing how you fail to see the difference between a ONS with no other contact with the person versus a full blown affair with multiple counts of infidelity. But then again, that's the vibe I get from this forum. People here seem a little more butthurt than most.
The issue is that some of us don't see much difference between making the decision, every single day, for two years, to not tell their spouse about their ONS... vs having an affair during that same amount of time. Either way you are actively, not passively, denying your spouse what he or she should know about you. Did you not have sex with your wife during the time you didn't tell her about the ONS? Or did you surreptitiously find a way to get her tested to make sure she was in the clear? What about HPV?

It is only OK to play outside of your relationship if your partner understands what you're doing and is OK with the risks involved. Risks to his or her health and risks to the relationship. Period. Tell me how it matters if it was a ONS vs a longer-term relationship in this regard?
Casual Observer is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Closed Thread

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome