ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do? - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 04:19 PM Thread Starter
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ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Unfortunately my best, happiest year (2019) ended abruptly a few hours before midnight when my husband told me in 2017 he did cheat. This was during a disagreement (he had a few drinks after work) and honestly.... Not sure why this was blurted. He bawled after he said it, said he can't believe he just ruined our marriage, and he's so sorry. Long story short-he went to shoot pool with a friend, had some drinks, and some girls later asked to play pool with them. The four of them ended up making out several times, went back to her place, and turned off his phone after telling me he was was drunk at his friend's house and couldn't drive (He's never done that before so I was worried but happy he wasn't drinking and driving). Apparently they tried to do stuff but he couldn't perform. He claims it couldn't have been more than 5-10 mins tops Then he decided to stay the night with her because he was drinking and scared to come home.

What kills me is the multiple opportunities he had to stop but didn't. I try not to imagine any of it but I can't stop playing images in my head and thinking how the hell could you do this? He said they would play pool, kiss, play, kiss, with her mainly initiating it and him not stopping her. He said he was conscious of it being wrong but he felt the marriage was so bad, he figured why not? Further, how could he lie to me for so long? I thought we had no secrets! (He swears that this was the only time and he has never strayed since). Can I trust that? Also, the fact that he wore his ring the whole time and still didn't care or stop. He said the girls pointed it out the next morning. He's also taken me to that bar since this occurred several times. How? I feel like these actions show zero remorse.Why would you ever go back you that bar?? I feel so humiliated.

He admitted he was drunk but he remembers mostly everything. He said he knew he should stop but it was hard when she kissed him first and because our marriage was rocky at the time, he didn't care or feel hope. I looked at our texts from this day and the days before and we seemed okay..

Infidelity was never a concern in our marriage but I can admit we have had some rough patches (mainly communication). We had gone to therapy in 2016. In 2017 we began trying for a child. We now have a beautiful baby who has made me the happiest. 2.5 years have passed since this indiscretion and truthfully, idk how to feel. I've barely cried and have been more angry than anything. I feel like anything I would've stopped doing with him (being intimate, building a family, etc.) has already been done so what do I do? I truly don't know if I can forgive this and feel like I'll always will look at him and remember that he is not the man I thought he was. But... We've lived life normal for 2.5 years... do I now throw away the marriage? Will I ever look at him and NOT think of infidelity? I know healing well take time and we plan to go to therapy. However, for those who chose to stay, does it b really ever get better? Well I learn to love him again workout thinking of this blemish on him? That's my biggest fear-living an extra 50 years or whatever and staying in a marriage where I never was able to forget. I'm so heartbroken.

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post #2 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 05:28 PM
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Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

I'm sorry to hear that this happened.

You ask if it ever gets better and if you ever love him again. If you can ever get over this.

There will be a lot of people responding to this thread telling you to divorce him and all sorts of other very negative things. But I'm going to give you a different point of view. The fact is that about 85% of marriages in which infidelity occurs go on the repair their marriage and even have a good marriage afterwards. It's completely possible to get beyond this.

The question is how do you do it. There are a lot of good books out there that can help. Here are two that your husband could learn a lot from. You would benefit from reading them too.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful


HOW TO HELP YOUR SPOUSE HEAL FROM YOUR AFFAIR: a guide to rebuilding your marriage


These two will help you rebuild your marriage and affair proof it going forward. The way to use these two books if for the two of you to read them, in the order listed, and to do the work that they say to do.

Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love-Building Habits


His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

Surviving An Affair -
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post #3 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 05:47 PM
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Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

For you its as if he has just cheated no matter when it actually happened.
You ask if you can trust him again, well some cant and that's why marriages end. You will never know if it was just that one time or not. His excuses that the marriage was in a bad patch are just that, excuses, and his attempt to justify what he did. It sounds as if he had many chances over that evening to stop the kissing etc, and he didn't.

Adultery and betrayal is like a vase being knocked over and smashed into a million pieces. You then have a choice. 1) Painstakingly try and put that vase back together again accepting that it will be hard and painful and long and will never be quite the same, or 2) sweep the vase up and throw it away ie end the marriage.
I know that for me I don't think that I could ever quite trust that person again. I would work on forgiving because that is important, but that doesn't have to mean reconciliation. Of course you have a small child and that is a big factor, but only you know if you can trust him again, especially as he has lied for 2 years.

Its so fresh that you will need time. Time to decide what to do. You may want a time apart to give yourself time and space to think and reflect. Asking him to move out for a period may also show him how very serious this is and how close you are to ending the marriage. Hopefully that will shock him into being 100% repentant and willing to do all he needs to do to rebuild the trust again if that is possible.

I dont think you need to worry that you will go many years and then regret staying, I think you will know what you want to do within a few months once the horrible shock has lessened somewhat.

Oh and one more thing, make sure you are both tested for STD's. Any woman who can do this with a married man who even has his wedding ring on, has probably had multiple partners, and by not telling you he has put you at risk.

Last edited by Diana7; 01-04-2020 at 05:55 PM.
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post #4 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 06:20 PM
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Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

First, your marriage will never be the same. He did something that he knew would destroy your marriage. How invested was his selfish self? How mature? Basically, he is lacking in integrity. He blames your marriage problems, his drinking, his lack of caring, etc. How about Lyft, cabs, Uber? He was afraid to come home, so he stayed and made out some more in the morning?

Second, does he still run with his male 'friend'? Friend of yours too? Is the bartender a 'friend too"? Has he seen the AP since or had contact with her? Does she hang at the bar? She knew he was married, but he chose this skank over you.

Third, once trust has been broken, things will never be the same. Read the books. If you decide to work on reconciliation, there will be years of work. What would happen if it had been you who had cheated on him?

Fourth, IMO he should stop drinking period. "Anything I would have stopped doing with him, I've already done." Really??? What if another girl kisses him and he decides why not f*** her, wife will take me back anyway?
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post #5 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 06:22 PM
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Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Some people do recover from infidelity. But the process can take years to fully come to terms with so don’t feel that you have to heal immediately or even soon. It takes as long as it takes. For you, it’s new. For him, it’s not. Your marriage will have to be rebuilt and that takes time. He needs to fully understand that and not push for you to get over it, or try to rug sweep, etc., but instead be fully supportive and help you heal. You’ll always remember it but hopefully in time today’s pain will fade. You won’t trust him the way you once did but you shouldn’t. There are successes and there are failures when trying to move past infidelity. Do what’s best for you. I hope that all goes well.
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post #6 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 06:34 PM
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Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

It will depend hugely upon your husband's attitude, not that he cries about it once, but what he does to help you heal. How transparent he becomes, whether he displays an attitude of entitlement.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OP
He said he was conscious of it being wrong but he felt the marriage was so bad, he figured why not?
This kind of blame-shifting, although quite common, is one of the most negative things he can do. His adultery is NOT YOUR FAULT, not even a scintilla. He must own it.
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post #7 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-05-2020, 10:03 AM
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Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I know you're devastated. And with a young child, it complicates things.

Yes, it's entirely possible to reconcile after cheating. I've seen long-term affairs happen and marriages recover. Trust can be rebuilt. It can be done.

And I hate to borrow trouble here because you are in so much pain. But I would be remiss not to mention it because you need to see all sides. Do you buy what he's telling you? That they only kissed? He couldn't perform? And he spent the whole night there, woke up in the morning sober, and nothing happened? Really? I find it disturbing he's brought you back to that same bar. I'd be pissed, too. I wonder why he confessed? Was it weighing on him so heavily, or was there a risk of you finding out by another source?

Reconciliation is a long road. Your husband needs to do the heavy lifting here to rebuild trust. That looks like answering any and all questions about that night no matter how uncomfortable, and if you so desire, marital counseling, no longer hanging out with the friends who were with him that night.

He doesn't get to be defensive or argumentative or tell you that it happened so long ago and to leave it in the past. That may be true, but for you, it's like it just happened bc you just found out.

I do hope you are taking good care of yourself considering the circumstances. You must eat and stay hydrated.
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post #8 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-05-2020, 01:07 PM
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The marriage won't ever be the same because of what happened. That being said, it has positive forward movement.

He told you, it's not that you found out. Sounds like you most likely wouldn't have known if he hadn't told you.

He is showing remorse which doesn't give him a pass at all but does indicate it bothered him and again especially on remorse - it wasn't because you found out- he told you. The blameshifting isn't fun but could be guilt speaking at this point.

Given how you found out, there is some forward progress in admitting and showing signs of guilt. Where it goes now would depend on what he is willing to do to become transparent and fix his problems and what both of you are willing to do to fix what seems like are still some existing problems.

First and foremost are you able to move forward yourself with what you know?
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post #9 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-05-2020, 06:35 PM
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Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Another case where someone should have kept their friggin mouth shut and not hurt those around him to relieve his guilt.

"The facts have never mattered less than they do today. We're living in a time where the truth has been so diminished in value, even those at the top of government (and the media) are quite comfortable with the truth being whatever they can convince people to believe",
Raymond Reddington.
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post #10 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-05-2020, 07:07 PM
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Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

I wouldn’t worry about 50 years down the road. Just the now. You might have some serious issues with privacy and secrets... in so many cases one spouse (you?) is far more open than the other, without realizing the other isn’t being open. We assume the other spouse is like us in that regard. Because, hey, why wouldn’t they? It’s a huge error, a potentially disastrous minefield.

Secrets and privacy=power. I tested that this week. More on that later but wow, was I surprised when I held back on something I normally wouldn’t, from my wife. Treating her the way she often does me.

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post #11 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 08:34 AM
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Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rikkai View Post
Unfortunately my best, happiest year (2019) ended abruptly a few hours before midnight when my husband told me in 2017 he did cheat. This was during a disagreement (he had a few drinks after work) and honestly.... Not sure why this was blurted. He bawled after he said it, said he can't believe he just ruined our marriage, and he's so sorry. Long story short-he went to shoot pool with a friend, had some drinks, and some girls later asked to play pool with them. The four of them ended up making out several times, went back to her place, and turned off his phone after telling me he was was drunk at his friend's house and couldn't drive (He's never done that before so I was worried but happy he wasn't drinking and driving). Apparently they tried to do stuff but he couldn't perform. He claims it couldn't have been more than 5-10 mins tops Then he decided to stay the night with her because he was drinking and scared to come home.

What kills me is the multiple opportunities he had to stop but didn't. I try not to imagine any of it but I can't stop playing images in my head and thinking how the hell could you do this? He said they would play pool, kiss, play, kiss, with her mainly initiating it and him not stopping her. He said he was conscious of it being wrong but he felt the marriage was so bad, he figured why not? Further, how could he lie to me for so long? I thought we had no secrets! (He swears that this was the only time and he has never strayed since). Can I trust that? Also, the fact that he wore his ring the whole time and still didn't care or stop. He said the girls pointed it out the next morning. He's also taken me to that bar since this occurred several times. How? I feel like these actions show zero remorse.Why would you ever go back you that bar?? I feel so humiliated.

He admitted he was drunk but he remembers mostly everything. He said he knew he should stop but it was hard when she kissed him first and because our marriage was rocky at the time, he didn't care or feel hope. I looked at our texts from this day and the days before and we seemed okay..

Infidelity was never a concern in our marriage but I can admit we have had some rough patches (mainly communication). We had gone to therapy in 2016. In 2017 we began trying for a child. We now have a beautiful baby who has made me the happiest. 2.5 years have passed since this indiscretion and truthfully, idk how to feel. I've barely cried and have been more angry than anything. I feel like anything I would've stopped doing with him (being intimate, building a family, etc.) has already been done so what do I do? I truly don't know if I can forgive this and feel like I'll always will look at him and remember that he is not the man I thought he was. But... We've lived life normal for 2.5 years... do I now throw away the marriage? Will I ever look at him and NOT think of infidelity? I know healing well take time and we plan to go to therapy. However, for those who chose to stay, does it b really ever get better? Well I learn to love him again workout thinking of this blemish on him? That's my biggest fear-living an extra 50 years or whatever and staying in a marriage where I never was able to forget. I'm so heartbroken.
You won't forget it. Yet. But it does get better over time.

And yes, I have been there.



I would suggest further counselling. Your husband needs to be able to work out why he did it, in order to make it less likely that he does it again.


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post #12 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 10:57 AM
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Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VladDracul View Post
Another case where someone should have kept their friggin mouth shut and not hurt those around him to relieve his guilt.
Strongly disagree.

Real consent needs to be informed consent.
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post #13 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 11:41 AM
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Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

My wife and I went through this many years ago. I know she was hurt at the time but now just thinks i'm an idiot for what I've done. We've had a great relationship since.

Many may not agree, but I think there's a huge difference between a ONS and an ongoing affair. If my wife had a ONS, I would most likely forgive her and move on. If she were to have any contact with the person afterwards, I would divorce. At least that's the difference for me.

You're whole scenario sounds so much like mine even to the point of blurting it out when I had some drinks. It was weighing heavily on him and he had to tell you; there's something to be said for that right there.
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post #14 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 01:59 PM
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Re: ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mybabysgotit View Post
My wife and I went through this many years ago. I know she was hurt at the time but now just thinks i'm an idiot for what I've done. We've had a great relationship since.

Many may not agree, but I think there's a huge difference between a ONS and an ongoing affair. If my wife had a ONS, I would most likely forgive her and move on. If she were to have any contact with the person afterwards, I would divorce. At least that's the difference for me.

You're whole scenario sounds so much like mine even to the point of blurting it out when I had some drinks. It was weighing heavily on him and he had to tell you; there's something to be said for that right there.
A ONS cannot be seen as any less dangerous to a relationship than a longer-term affair because it is a gateway drug to more. That your marriage survived a ONS is not an indication of anything more than your own situation. For most people, that momentary lapse of will is a character flaw every bit as deep as those in a longer affair. That's how I see it. Your mileage may vary.
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post #15 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-06-2020, 02:08 PM
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Remorse requires forward action. If you have a one night stand that results in remorse, transparency and never happens again there is forward action. If you have any kind of affair that repeats, each time it happens is a step back not forward. Repeated actions indicate no remorse.

A spouse acknowledging a disrespect to the marriage especially without it being discovered first is a positive step forward to remorse
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