ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?
Unfortunately my best, happiest year (2019) ended abruptly a few hours before midnight when my husband told me in 2017 he did cheat. This was during a disagreement (he had a few drinks after work) and honestly.... Not sure why this was blurted. He bawled after he said it, said he can't believe he just ruined our marriage, and he's so sorry. Long story short-he went to shoot pool with a friend, had some drinks, and some girls later asked to play pool with them. The four of them ended up making out several times, went back to her place, and turned off his phone after telling me he was was drunk at his friend's house and couldn't drive (He's never done that before so I was worried but happy he wasn't drinking and driving). Apparently they tried to do stuff but he couldn't perform. He claims it couldn't have been more than 5-10 mins tops Then he decided to stay the night with her because he was drinking and scared to come home.
What kills me is the multiple opportunities he had to stop but didn't. I try not to imagine any of it but I can't stop playing images in my head and thinking how the hell could you do this? He said they would play pool, kiss, play, kiss, with her mainly initiating it and him not stopping her. He said he was conscious of it being wrong but he felt the marriage was so bad, he figured why not? Further, how could he lie to me for so long? I thought we had no secrets! (He swears that this was the only time and he has never strayed since). Can I trust that? Also, the fact that he wore his ring the whole time and still didn't care or stop. He said the girls pointed it out the next morning. He's also taken me to that bar since this occurred several times. How? I feel like these actions show zero remorse.Why would you ever go back you that bar?? I feel so humiliated.
He admitted he was drunk but he remembers mostly everything. He said he knew he should stop but it was hard when she kissed him first and because our marriage was rocky at the time, he didn't care or feel hope. I looked at our texts from this day and the days before and we seemed okay..
Infidelity was never a concern in our marriage but I can admit we have had some rough patches (mainly communication). We had gone to therapy in 2016. In 2017 we began trying for a child. We now have a beautiful baby who has made me the happiest. 2.5 years have passed since this indiscretion and truthfully, idk how to feel. I've barely cried and have been more angry than anything. I feel like anything I would've stopped doing with him (being intimate, building a family, etc.) has already been done so what do I do? I truly don't know if I can forgive this and feel like I'll always will look at him and remember that he is not the man I thought he was. But... We've lived life normal for 2.5 years... do I now throw away the marriage? Will I ever look at him and NOT think of infidelity? I know healing well take time and we plan to go to therapy. However, for those who chose to stay, does it b really ever get better? Well I learn to love him again workout thinking of this blemish on him? That's my biggest fear-living an extra 50 years or whatever and staying in a marriage where I never was able to forget. I'm so heartbroken.