Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: The Frozen North
Re: Stupid Stuff Cheaters Say
I still espouse one thing in discussions subsequent to infidelity and massive disruptions in the marriage: BRUTAL HONESTY. My reply to your wife's ignorant and self serving comment would be to tell her exactly what is going through my mind, to wit: NO, YOU DO NOT YET DESERVE MY LOVE OR COMMITMENT. You showed me exactly how much you love and are committed to me by allowing another man into your life and into your body. Therefore it is incumbent on you to chase me. Period. Had one client, who pushed this to the maximum. His WW made a similar comment, trying to push him into R. He responded with the following: He advised her that the attempted rugsweep was over. He said that although they were not physically separated, he was withdrawing all support. She pays her bills, he pays his. He has his interests and activities, and she is under house arrest until she can prove trustworthy. If she does not want to work toward any solution, she is welcome to move out. The divorce will follow shortly after. He told her in no uncertain terms that he would not pursue her in any fashion. It was up to her to pursue and convince that she was worth continuing the marriage. Apparently that little diatribe left her in a state of shock and virtually she sat and processed what he said for hours after. The support withdrawal took about a month. When two of her credit cards were declined for non-payment, she started understanding what he was getting at. He grey rocked her at home. For a week or so, she got nothing but silence. He did not tell her when he was going out or for that matter where he was going. He was not dating, but he was staying out til all hours, and occasionally he would not come home. Their kids had long since grown, and she was extremely sensitive to their image of her. He held nothing back and told their children that it was highly likely he would divorce her for infidelity. That cut her like a knife to the guts. She was extremely wary of him, as she had seen what he did to her AP (exposure, complaints to his employers, and his state licensing body-Physical therapist working on his wife's chronic back pain-lost his license and all means of support). She was also very wary in that he was giving her absolutely no signals as to whether he would ever entertain reconciliation. This served to keep her focused on repairing the damage she did by any means necessary. At some point, he dropped the barriers, and let her back in. The strategy worked as far as I have seen. She knows at any time he can pull the plug, live well and have his children love and support him, whereas if he pulled the plug, she would be left with very little.
Say what you think and do what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.-Dr. Seuss