Advice on what to do next
As posted in the new members forum - Thanks for the welcome. It's amazing to think a community like this exists. Never thought for a second I would need to find you.
I still can't believe i'm writting this and hope it reads clearly and logically.
A little over a week ago I discovered that my wife was having an affair. I was able to obtain information about her whereabouts and when I quizzed her about certain events, she told me a different story to what I had found out. I knew she was lying. I had a couple of attempts over a couple of nights to ask her what had happened vs what I knew and there were a lot of lies followed by some version of the truth when I revealed what I knew. It ended when I told her I was done as I couldn't take anymore of her lying and we were beyond help. She told me that the last time she met with the other person, she left and told him that it was done and deleted his number and conversation history.
About halfway through the revelation process and before we got further into the lies, I asked her what she wanted and she did say that she would like to attempt therapy to attempt to save our marriage (3 years). I was originally contemplating this as I guess like a lot people in a similar situation, felt that she was worth it. She has some really great qualities I have not seen in anyone else and life was, on the whole, very fulfilling. I hate giving up on things especially if I consider doing this to the woman I love (although i'm not sure who that person is now). We have been together for around 10 years in total. From what I can tell the affair started shortly after our wedding. We have no kids but we bought an apartment together 5 years ago (50/50). She has been living a double life with her parents from young age but never thought that she would add another life to her already complex situation. The ordeal ended with us both numb and frustratingly I felt that she lacked empathy and compassion I needed.
Without realising it, ever since I said it was over, I have implemented a lot of the steps in the 180 affair recovery. I have had a few messages with her to discuss sleeping arrangements, to discuss a bill and to ask whether I still want to go to therapy to which I responded that I think so. I'm not sure if she believes this will be so that I can get closure or to work on us. I didn't want to say too much. I did see her about a week ago as she was getting a few things. We had a long stare into each to each others eyes and I felt the sparks again. I'm convinced she did as well.
We have arranged to meet in a couple of days but i'm not sure what to say or how to progress the situation. I understood that she was going to look for somewhere else to stay but i'm not sure how far that has progressed. I'm not even sure if she would be prepared to work at the marriage and would rather be by herself for a while in which case I wouldn't have a decision to make. Last week I was convinced there was no way back but after speaking to some friends and reading up online, we wouldn't be the first to get through this type of thing. Then there's the apartment to sort out. Fair to say i'm pretty confused how to play this.
Last edited by Larry12; 01-25-2020 at 05:18 AM.