Advice on what to do next - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 04:50 AM Thread Starter
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Advice on what to do next

As posted in the new members forum - Thanks for the welcome. It's amazing to think a community like this exists. Never thought for a second I would need to find you.

I still can't believe i'm writting this and hope it reads clearly and logically.

A little over a week ago I discovered that my wife was having an affair. I was able to obtain information about her whereabouts and when I quizzed her about certain events, she told me a different story to what I had found out. I knew she was lying. I had a couple of attempts over a couple of nights to ask her what had happened vs what I knew and there were a lot of lies followed by some version of the truth when I revealed what I knew. It ended when I told her I was done as I couldn't take anymore of her lying and we were beyond help. She told me that the last time she met with the other person, she left and told him that it was done and deleted his number and conversation history.

About halfway through the revelation process and before we got further into the lies, I asked her what she wanted and she did say that she would like to attempt therapy to attempt to save our marriage (3 years). I was originally contemplating this as I guess like a lot people in a similar situation, felt that she was worth it. She has some really great qualities I have not seen in anyone else and life was, on the whole, very fulfilling. I hate giving up on things especially if I consider doing this to the woman I love (although i'm not sure who that person is now). We have been together for around 10 years in total. From what I can tell the affair started shortly after our wedding. We have no kids but we bought an apartment together 5 years ago (50/50). She has been living a double life with her parents from young age but never thought that she would add another life to her already complex situation. The ordeal ended with us both numb and frustratingly I felt that she lacked empathy and compassion I needed.

Without realising it, ever since I said it was over, I have implemented a lot of the steps in the 180 affair recovery. I have had a few messages with her to discuss sleeping arrangements, to discuss a bill and to ask whether I still want to go to therapy to which I responded that I think so. I'm not sure if she believes this will be so that I can get closure or to work on us. I didn't want to say too much. I did see her about a week ago as she was getting a few things. We had a long stare into each to each others eyes and I felt the sparks again. I'm convinced she did as well.

We have arranged to meet in a couple of days but i'm not sure what to say or how to progress the situation. I understood that she was going to look for somewhere else to stay but i'm not sure how far that has progressed. I'm not even sure if she would be prepared to work at the marriage and would rather be by herself for a while in which case I wouldn't have a decision to make. Last week I was convinced there was no way back but after speaking to some friends and reading up online, we wouldn't be the first to get through this type of thing. Then there's the apartment to sort out. Fair to say i'm pretty confused how to play this.


Last edited by Larry12; 01-25-2020 at 05:18 AM.
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post #2 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 05:30 AM
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Re: Advice on what to do next

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As posted in the new members forum - Thanks for the welcome. It's amazing to think a community like this exists. Never thought for a second I would need to find you.

I still can't believe i'm writting this and hope it reads clearly and logically.

A little over a week ago I discovered that my wife was having an affair. I was able to obtain information about her whereabouts and when I quizzed her about certain events, she told me a different story to what I had found out. I knew she was lying. I had a couple of attempts over a couple of nights to ask her what had happened vs what I knew and there were a lot of lies followed by some version of the truth when I revealed what I knew. It ended when I told her I was done as I couldn't take anymore of her lying and we were beyond help. She told me that the last time they met, she left and told him that it was done and deleted his number and conversation history.

Bud, cheaters lie a lot. You really canít trust anything she says. At this time you should inform her other mans wife if heís married without any warning or informing your wife. This is a crucial 1st step donít skip it. Go online and check your phone bill his number will probably be there.

About halfway through the revelation process and before we got further into the lies, I asked her what she wanted and she did say that she would like to attempt therapy to attempt to save our marriage (3 years). I was originally contemplating this as I guess like a lot people in a similar situation, felt that she was worth it. She has some really great qualities I have not seen in anyone else and life was, on the whole, very fulfilling. I hate giving up on things especially if I consider doing this to the woman I love (although i'm not sure who that person is now). We have been together for around 10 years in total. From what I can tell the affair started shortly after our wedding. We have no kids but we bought an apartment together 5 years ago (50/50). She has been living a double life with her parents from young age but never thought that she would add another life to her already complex situation. The ordeal ended with us both numb and frustratingly I felt that she lacked empathy and compassion I needed.

No remorse = no reconciliation. MC upfront is a bad idea. You stand a 50/50 chance of getting a bad one which can just make this worse. She needs IC if anything. Your marriage isnít broken, she is.

Without realising it, ever since I said it was over, I have implemented a lot of the steps in the 180 affair recovery. I have had a few messages with her to discuss sleeping arrangements, to discuss a bill and to ask whether I still want to go to therapy to which I responded that I think so. I'm not sure if she believes this will be so that I can get closure or to work on us. I didn't want to say too much. I did see her about a week ago as she was getting a few things. We had a long stare into each to each others eyes and I felt the sparks again. I'm convinced she did as well.

The 180 is for detachment not to help the marriage. Her actions (sounds like she left) arenít that of a remorseful spouse. Iíd bet the affair is ongoing. It sounds like you are seeing what you want to see versus reality. Pretty common. Youíre in denial.

We have arranged to meet in a couple of days but i'm not sure what to say or how to progress the situation. I understood that she was going to look for somewhere else to stay but i'm not sure how far that has progressed. I'm not even sure if she would be prepared to work at the marriage and would rather be by herself for a while in which case I wouldn't have a decision to make. Last week I was convinced there was no way back but after speaking to some friends and reading up online, we wouldn't be the first to get through this type of thing. Then there's the apartment to sort out. Fair to say i'm pretty confused how to play this.
Marriage takes two you canít fix this yourself. Cheating right after the wedding for 3 years means sheís been living another life you werenít part of.

No kids, what are you trying to salvage? Do not jump into R or offer it at this time. You donít know much yet. You really donít know if the long term affair has ended. From what Iíve Iíd bet itís ongoing. Just because you found out doesnít meant itís ended.

Better wake up. Her leaving is not a good sign.

The thing is the capability to cheat is there. Repeats happen. You want to go through this again?
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post #3 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 05:32 AM
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Re: Advice on what to do next

You need STD testing now you donít know who or where this other man has been.
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post #4 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 05:36 AM
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Re: Advice on what to do next

Separation is normally to make more time for the other guy. Pretty common and happens all the time.

Donít be surprised because right Now you only the tip of the iceberg.

If they work together or have any contact the affair is ongoing.

Affairs are addictive. They for the most part just donít stop.
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post #5 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 05:37 AM
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Re: Advice on what to do next

The only one that can keep you in this is you.
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post #6 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 05:39 AM
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Re: Advice on what to do next

Literally from the day you exchanged vows your wife has been cheating on you. And like every cheating spouse in history she was ďjust about to break up with himĒ. She kept lying until you revealed what you knew, and as per cheater script you probably didnít get anywhere near the full truth.
If you stay in this relationship (I wouldnít consider it a marriage, you were a victim of bait and switch) then be prepared to share your wife with other men for its entirety.
You need to understand that you never had a real marriage, you were just another part of her double life you speak about.
I agree with the idea of counseling but I think that you need individual counseling to help you understand why youíre prepared to stay in this relationship.

When someone says itís not the money itís the principle,itís always the money.
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post #7 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 05:48 AM Thread Starter
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post #8 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 05:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice on what to do next

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Marriage takes two you canít fix this yourself. Cheating right after the wedding for 3 years means sheís been living another life you werenít part of.

No kids, what are you trying to salvage? Do not jump into R or offer it at this time. You donít know much yet. You really donít know if the long term affair has ended. From what Iíve Iíd bet itís ongoing. Just because you found out doesnít meant itís ended.

Better wake up. Her leaving is not a good sign.

The thing is the capability to cheat is there. Repeats happen. You want to go through this again?

Thanks for all your points. She's been staying at a combination of her sisters and our apartment. When she's been at ours i've chosen to sleep elsewhere.

Totally agree that she is broken. I guess i'm not convinced at the moment whether she is serious to get the help she needs. What I would be willing to salvage is being with a woman that I loved, with all the amazing qualities and to salvage the life we were building. I know a lot of people will say this but she was the last person I expected this from. She never had a bad word to say about anyone, always looked positively on life, has liberal views on things etc.

It's really helped me by writting all this down. I can see that on the surface it looks like i'm in denial and that there is not much to hang onto other than potentially a fantasy/happy ending
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post #9 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 06:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice on what to do next

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Literally from the day you exchanged vows your wife has been cheating on you. And like every cheating spouse in history she was ďjust about to break up with himĒ. She kept lying until you revealed what you knew, and as per cheater script you probably didnít get anywhere near the full truth.
If you stay in this relationship (I wouldnít consider it a marriage, you were a victim of bait and switch) then be prepared to share your wife with other men for its entirety.
You need to understand that you never had a real marriage, you were just another part of her double life you speak about.
I agree with the idea of counseling but I think that you need individual counselling to help you understand why youíre prepared to stay in this relationship.
I know..what a classic line.

I'd like to think I know a fair bit of what has happened with the intel I got. She says she bonded with the guy over things she couldn't tell me, mainly due to the relationship between myself and her family.

I guess i'm still waking up to the reality of being a pawn in her life. I just find it really hard to believe the times we spent together, the adventures, the setting up of a home, the laughs were all a sham.
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post #10 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 06:01 AM
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Re: Advice on what to do next

Youíve got her on a pedestal. Sheís just your fantasy of who you want her to be. Sadly thatís not who she really is.

Sheís been lying to you for 3 years. Which means she has no problem doing so. Stick to the facts.

Until you wake up to reality youíll continue to wallow in this.

There are zero excuses for her actions. At 3 years you should still be in your honeymoon phase.

Many live on hopium and live to regret it. Life is short stop wasting it.

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post #11 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 06:03 AM
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Re: Advice on what to do next

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Originally Posted by Larry12 View Post
I know..what a classic line.

I'd like to think I know a fair bit of what has happened with the intel I got. She says she bonded with the guy over things she couldn't tell me, mainly due to the relationship between myself and her family.

I guess i'm still waking up to the reality of being a pawn in her life. I just find it really hard to believe the times we spent together, the adventures, the setting up of a home, the laughs were all a sham.
Bud, sheís a cake eater. Sheís had the best of two worlds. You canít understand because you arenít like her.

You havenít woken up to the cold hard facts of reality yet which means youíll continue to linger in this.
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post #12 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 06:08 AM
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Re: Advice on what to do next

A friend of mines wife left Him for her boss with 2 young kids in the mix.

The biggest problem he had was realizing she was just a very typical cheater. Nothing special about her at all. Expect it happened to him.

They all follow the same lying cheater script.

You sound like you arenít ready to listen. Many come back later and wish they had.

Donít be a chump. Itíll just make this worse than it needs to be.

Get strong and stay there.
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post #13 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 06:10 AM
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Re: Advice on what to do next

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Originally Posted by Larry12 View Post
I know..what a classic line.

I'd like to think I know a fair bit of what has happened with the intel I got. She says she bonded with the guy over things she couldn't tell me, mainly due to the relationship between myself and her family.

I guess i'm still waking up to the reality of being a pawn in her life. I just find it really hard to believe the times we spent together, the adventures, the setting up of a home, the laughs were all a sham.
Think of it this way. All those times she was just as much engaged with her other man if not more so.

Love is blind
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post #14 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 06:15 AM
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Re: Advice on what to do next

Clarity will come if you let it but your heart will betray you in these circumstances.

Continue on a hard 180. You will wake up if you overcome your fear of the unknown.

The facts tell you what the known is. Realize it.
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post #15 of 118 (permalink) Old 01-25-2020, 06:29 AM
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Re: Advice on what to do next

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You need STD testing now you donít know who or where this other man has been.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry12 View Post
I know..what a classic line.

I'd like to think I know a fair bit of what has happened with the intel I got. She says she bonded with the guy over things she couldn't tell me, mainly due to the relationship between myself and her family.

I guess i'm still waking up to the reality of being a pawn in her life. I just find it really hard to believe the times we spent together, the adventures, the setting up of a home, the laughs were all a sham.
Larry, cheaters lie lie and lie and the first step for her to to is have empathy she doesn't. She wants to rugsweep this and wait until it cools down to continue this , many of these phrases are taken out of the cheaters handbook.

I must be upfront hand say man wake up here, three years of doing another dude and coming back to you for security. Your nothing but a ATM machine what of those mind movies of her doing all of those acts she does with him she doesn't give you? And if she has given you full menu sex she also given the other the same.

I would expose the OM and open his world to the crap you been given, let him have that shell of what you once thought you had. Alot of bridges she has burned and now you're the only rescue boat see can grab on too. Expose her to your and her family because she will rewrite your time together and make you out to be the azzhole who screwed up the marriage and relationship.

Do you really think you want the type of trashy person, and put your mouth we're the other dudes pecker had been? Have some self respect she has none for you you better have some for yourself.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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