Long thread and I haven't read very post. However, there's a key issue here that sabotages any chance at R.
If you're serious about R, you need to confront her as to whether there's another man that she has feelings for.
For purposes of my comment, all you need for her to confirm is that it's an EA.
She may not be reluctant to admit to an EA. If there's another man, ask if he's married w/kids.
Why? If she's seeing someone else (EA or PA), then any attempt to R is sabotaged.
Because marriage and the challenges of living with you (or anyone) day to day is very different than dating the OM.
She'll compare you to the OM (and even if you were perfect, and nobody is) ... no spouse (husband or wife) can compete with the care feel romance of dating.
Finally, FYI if the OM is a coworker, then R will require 100% NC (which will probably require her to change jobs). Why? because every time she sees him (even passing by on the sidewalk) her feelings re-ignite.