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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 01:54 AM
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Re: Hello.

@booned

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It gives some very good advice on what to do for either reconciling or figuring out when it's time to walk away.

I know this is tough. Many of us here have been through this situation.


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post #17 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 02:49 PM
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Re: Hello.

Welcome!
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post #18 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 03:38 AM
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Re: Hello.

@booned I have moved your thread to Coping with infidelity as it is clear your wife has been cheating on you.


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post #19 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 08:29 AM
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Re: Hello.

Long thread and I haven't read very post. However, there's a key issue here that sabotages any chance at R.

If you're serious about R, you need to confront her as to whether there's another man that she has feelings for.

For purposes of my comment, all you need for her to confirm is that it's an EA.
She may not be reluctant to admit to an EA. If there's another man, ask if he's married w/kids.

Why? If she's seeing someone else (EA or PA), then any attempt to R is sabotaged.
Because marriage and the challenges of living with you (or anyone) day to day is very different than dating the OM.

She'll compare you to the OM (and even if you were perfect, and nobody is) ... no spouse (husband or wife) can compete with the care feel romance of dating.

Finally, FYI if the OM is a coworker, then R will require 100% NC (which will probably require her to change jobs). Why? because every time she sees him (even passing by on the sidewalk) her feelings re-ignite.
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post #20 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 09:01 AM
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Re: Hello.

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Originally Posted by booned View Post
Hi thanks for the welcome.

My wife sat me down last month and fed me the old 'i love you but I'm not in love with you' line. She said she wanted a break, and wasn't sure if she even wanted to try and work it out.

Reasons were my drinking habits and ambition - as in I had none. She was right. Although one problem likely caused the other. The warning signs were there and I buried my head in the sand. Thus the separation.

I wasn't full blown typical alcoholic but I was well on my way there. Since this happened, I've been to a few AA meetings and haven't touched a drop bar a couple of weeks back when I went out with a friend.

Initially, I stayed in our house - in separate rooms - and stayed amicable. I respected her need for space. She started blowing hot and cold though. One minute she would be open and it would feel like we would be getting back to normal, then she would just close up. She started playing games like wearing her wedding rings when she was out and taking them off whenever she was around me. I got frustrated with the mixed messages and moved out that week. I go back home every lunchtime whilst she's at work and walk the dog.

I now just try to keep busy with work and taking care of myself, staring at 4 walls at the new place wasnt helping.

In my isolation I started thinking about my drinking and why I did it too much, I've been picking apart our relationship and how it was on life support long before I started drinking.

She's a workaholic. Doesn't get home until 6pm and then spends most her time talking to work colleagues or moaning to me about her day. Any free time we had was spent either apart or with friends and family.

Intimacy dwindled to nothing as did sex. Sex used to be spontaneous and exciting, then it turned into a planned event and had to be scheduled (huge turn off). She would always withdraw from intimacy because she assumed I was trying it on. When we did have sex it was basic starfish stuff. She would be interested in trying new stuff sexually but wouldn't follow though.

She wouldn't offer any encouragement and only pointed out my flaws and failures.

I became so withdrawn and worn down that I just felt numb I didn't care about anything. All of the time. So I started drinking and I enjoyed because I felt alive.

My fault was not communicating my concerns and just accepting them. I know that now. I've accepted my blame in this, but I don't think she's ready to accept hers so we can move forward.

I also have a suspicion that she's seeing someone else. Whilst we were talking about terms of the separation, I mentioned dating other people. She was coy, wouldn't give a straight answer and said 'if your head gets turned then don't dismiss it'. I also found birth control tablets in the bathroom, which she wasn't on whilst we were together.

How do I approach her with this? I want to reconcile, but part of me is now questioning if it's even worth it?

Sorry for the rant!
I don't know, I'm reading here that she was such a ****ty wife you started drinking so much you thought you were an alcoholic, but as soon as you moved out you mostly quit drinking except one time socially. Why do you want to keep her? Is she a good mother to your kids?


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Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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Speed is your friend. Itís better to stop a train wreck than clean one up.
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post #21 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 09:39 AM
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Re: Hello.

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I don't know, I'm reading here that she was such a ****ty wife you started drinking so much you thought you were an alcoholic, but as soon as you moved out you mostly quit drinking except one time socially. Why do you want to keep her? Is she a good mother to your kids?
They have no kids. They have pets, but no kids.


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post #22 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 10:18 AM
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Re: Hello.

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They have no kids. They have pets, but no kids.
You say that like you read the opening post or something.

Married 5 years, no kids, drove you to drink because the relationship was so lousy, evidence of infidelity, makes more than you so you're unlikely to lose everything you worked for in a divorce. Time to move on.


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Quote:
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Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
Speed is your friend. Itís better to stop a train wreck than clean one up.
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post #23 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 11:22 AM
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Re: Hello.

ILYBNILWY speech, suggesting a separation, new birth control pills when you have not had sex since October, saying if someone turns your head to go for it.

They all add up to her having a boyfriend and does not want to cheat on him with you. You would be surprised at the number of women who say they are horrified by cheaters until they become one. Then it is all lies, deception, and blame shifting.

Talk to an attorney to know what you can expect.
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post #24 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 11:37 AM
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Hello.

I think she is trying to see if you step up and be the man she needs you to be to stay in the marriage. It doesnít sound like your very motivated to do this.
You need to fight for your marriage or let it go. As a women... I would want my man to fight for me and prove that Iím worth it.

Also what about your job? Is it true that you lack ambition?
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post #25 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 11:56 AM
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Re: Hello.

The speech, the need for space and the you can see others all add up to this woman is done with this relationship. She has moved on. Whether she is cheating or not doesn't change the end result. Your relationship with her is toast. Get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. There is nothing to save here. Time will help you heal. She is way ahead of you in the detachment part. Implement the 180 ASAP. Sorry man, but these are the cards you have been given. Reconciliation is not in the cards for you. Walk away and avoid more pain and ego bruises. Get into Individual Counseling to make better choices and cope better and healthier from this point forward. It is all about you and YOUR self worth now.


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #26 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 12:34 PM
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Re: Hello.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
I think she is trying to see if you step up and be the man she needs you to be to stay in the marriage. It doesnít sound like your very motivated to do this.
You need to fight for your marriage or let it go. As a women... I would want my man to fight for me and prove that Iím worth it.

Also what about your job? Is it true that you lack ambition?
You know what, if I was with a woman that was cheating, I would not fight for you for a half a second.

In fact, you (OP's Wife) Could never ever fight hard enough to get me back, ever.
.
And make no mistake, she is and has been cheating for a while...
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post #27 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 12:41 PM
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Re: Hello.

Quote:
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You know what, if I was with a woman that was cheating, I would not fight for you for a half a second.



In fact, you (OP's Wife) Could never ever fight hard enough to get me back, ever.

.

And make no mistake, she is and has been cheating for a while...


It sounds like that was the terms of the separation. He asked if they could see other people and she essentially said if we want. That was the time to object to seeing other people but he didnít.
So stop calling her a cheater.
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post #28 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 12:43 PM
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Re: Hello.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
It sounds like that was the terms of the separation. He asked if they could see other people and she essentially said if we want. That was the time to object to seeing other people but he didnít.
So stop calling her a cheater.
She's been cheating since October.


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Quote:
Originally Posted by Prodigal View Post
Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
Speed is your friend. Itís better to stop a train wreck than clean one up.
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post #29 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 12:47 PM
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Re: Hello.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
It sounds like that was the terms of the separation. He asked if they could see other people and she essentially said if we want. That was the time to object to seeing other people but he didnít.
So stop calling her a cheater.
No, he asked what about seeing other people, or something like that... Way different thing.

Of course she is a cheater, you must read English way different that me.

She has been having an affair since she stopped sleeping with him in October. She is on birth control. Of course she is a cheater, how can you even say that...

I think you have a completely different concept of cheating...

If she wanted to divorce him because he was a drunk, fine, divorce...

She is and has been cheating.
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post #30 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 12:51 PM
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Re: Hello.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
No, he asked what about seeing other people, or something like that... Way different thing.

Of course she is a cheater, you must read English way different that me.

She has been having an affair since she stopped sleeping with him in October. She is on birth control. Of course she is a cheater, how can you even say that...

I think you have a completely different concept of cheating...

If she wanted to divorce him because he was a drunk, fine, divorce...

She is and has been cheating.
If this was a bet, my odds are against her not cheating. All the signs are there. Plural= the signs are 99% true that she stepped out of the marriage and finally told the husband about it with the speech, separation and of course OK to see other people. It is very naive indeed to think vows were not broken by this woman!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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