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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 06:49 PM
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Re: Hello.

Yeah...she has been and is cheating. Probably much longer than since October. That is just when she decided to commit totally to her new AP.

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post #32 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 07:33 PM
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Re: Hello.

TDSC60 has it right. She's cheating.
post #33 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 08:28 PM
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Re: Hello.

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Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
I think she is trying to see if you step up and be the man she needs you to be to stay in the marriage. It doesnít sound like your very motivated to do this.
You need to fight for your marriage or let it go. As a women... I would want my man to fight for me and prove that Iím worth it.

Also what about your job? Is it true that you lack ambition?
She cut of intimacy, as a result he started drinking more alcohol.

Then came her ILYBINILWY speech and I suppose it's possible she isn't cheating on him, but you wouldn't get anyone to take a bet on that, because the odds wouldn't favour it as being of potentially enough profit.


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post #34 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 06:16 AM
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Re: Hello.

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How do I approach her with this? I want to reconcile, but part of me is now questioning if it's even worth it?
It has been my experience - as a woman as well as having seen it with other women over and over and over throughout my lifetime - that when a woman is done, she's DONE.

Don't humiliate yourself trying to get back with her. She's DONE.

You need to move on.

Once you start seeing your worth, you'll find it harder to stay around people who don't.
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post #35 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 08:55 AM
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Re: Hello.

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Originally Posted by Nucking Futs View Post
You say that like you read the opening post or something.

Married 5 years, no kids, drove you to drink because the relationship was so lousy, evidence of infidelity, makes more than you so you're unlikely to lose everything you worked for in a divorce. Time to move on.
Not stated by the OP.

I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.
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post #36 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 09:26 AM
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Re: Hello.

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Not stated by the OP.
Hah, good catch, I must have crossed threads.


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Speed is your friend. Itís better to stop a train wreck than clean one up.
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post #37 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 10:01 AM
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Re: Hello.

Withholding all the facts, lying by omission to one's spouse, these equal cheating.

Anyone is entitled and 'permitted' to fall out of love while married. Amor'e is friable.

How you act while in that "State of Oh-my-Oh" is the key to one's character.

If you get too close to a co-worker (it happens) one should keep it low key until divorced.
Many cannot.

It is easy to fall, hard to put on the brakes when your heart and mind are raging, racing, in a dizzy spiral.
Yes, and when your loins are tingling.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #38 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 10:22 AM
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Re: Hello.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
She cut of intimacy, as a result he started drinking more alcohol.



Then came her ILYBINILWY speech and I suppose it's possible she isn't cheating on him, but you wouldn't get anyone to take a bet on that, because the odds wouldn't favour it as being of potentially enough profit.


The OP doesnít seem to be making this a big deal. Itís because he doesnít think sheís cheating or he just doesnít care.
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post #39 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 03:43 PM
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Re: Hello.

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Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
The OP doesnít seem to be making this a big deal. Itís because he doesnít think sheís cheating or he just doesnít care.
I don't think you could have read the same thread?


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post #40 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 09:46 PM
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This comes down to two.people who can't take responsibility. She is probably cheating and justifying it, blameshifting. You are definitely not taking ownership of your drinking. No one can MAKE you drink or MAKE you an alcoholic, just like no one can MAKE her cheat.

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post #41 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 10:13 PM
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Re: Hello.

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This comes down to two.people who can't take responsibility. She is probably cheating and justifying it, blameshifting. You are definitely not taking ownership of your drinking. No one can MAKE you drink or MAKE you an alcoholic, just like no one can MAKE her cheat.
Keep reading, he has owned his faults and his drinking. He just wrote out why he climbed into a bottle. Giving reasons is not the same as “Making.”
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post #42 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-16-2020, 08:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justlistening View Post
This comes down to two.people who can't take responsibility. She is probably cheating and justifying it, blameshifting. You are definitely not taking ownership of your drinking. No one can MAKE you drink or MAKE you an alcoholic, just like no one can MAKE her cheat.
Keep reading, he has owned his faults and his drinking. He just wrote out why he climbed into a bottle. Giving reasons is not the same as “Making.”
So cheating because you're being denied sex is a reason too, right? Why you "climbed into a bed?"
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post #43 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-16-2020, 08:46 AM
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Re: Hello.

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So cheating because you're being denied sex is a reason too, right? Why you "climbed into a bed?"


I agree. He drank because he was weak and he chose poorly. She cheated because she was weak and she chose poorly. We do things because we choose to do them, not because someone did something...

There are fundamentally differences with how people apologize and take responsibility.
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post #44 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-16-2020, 09:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justlistening View Post
So cheating because you're being denied sex is a reason too, right? Why you "climbed into a bed?"


I agree. He drank because he was weak and he chose poorly. She cheated because she was weak and she chose poorly. We do things because we choose to do them, not because someone did something...

There are fundamentally differences with how people apologize and take responsibility.
Yes and no. Figuring out and sharing what your headspace was when you made poor choices is not necessarily making excuses. It is a first step in figuring out your own faulty thinking and how to have healthier reactions in the future. It is only an excuse if that is where it stops. It seems the OP is examining his choice to drink beyond blaming it on his wife.
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post #45 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-16-2020, 02:56 PM
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Re: Hello.

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So cheating because you're being denied sex is a reason too, right? Why you "climbed into a bed?"
Yes, it is a reason or an excuse. The fight you are trying to make doesn't exist.

You said he didn’t accept responsibility and he did.
You said he didn’t take ownership and he did.
You said no one can make you do anything and he said the drinking was his choice.

So, we read his post differently which is fine.

It works if you use your post above as well. It is a reason, excuse or a precursor to marriage problems. No one makes you do anything it is a choice, unless there is coercion involved or force.
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