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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 06:11 AM Thread Starter
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Hello.

I just joined this place looking for advice and support. I'm currently on a trial separation from my wife of 5 years (been together 15).

I'm 34, no kids just us and our pets.

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post #2 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 06:53 AM
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Re: Hello.

Welcome what has happened to get to this point?

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #3 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 06:55 AM
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Re: Hello.

I believe you have to give a few responses to be able to post in a particular fourm. So if you want start here and it can always be moved if required.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #4 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 07:23 AM
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Re: Hello.

Hi, @booned. Welcome to TAM. Sorry you had to look for us, but I'm glad you found us. If that makes any sense?

What has happened to your marriage to get you both into this situation?

Any infidelity on either side?

Who has moved out?

Have you seen a lawyer to establish your legal rights?

Is counselling on the cards?

What would resolve the situation to your satisfactions and your wife's satisfaction?


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post #5 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 08:07 AM Thread Starter
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Hi thanks for the welcome.

My wife sat me down last month and fed me the old 'i love you but I'm not in love with you' line. She said she wanted a break, and wasn't sure if she even wanted to try and work it out.

Reasons were my drinking habits and ambition - as in I had none. She was right. Although one problem likely caused the other. The warning signs were there and I buried my head in the sand. Thus the separation.

I wasn't full blown typical alcoholic but I was well on my way there. Since this happened, I've been to a few AA meetings and haven't touched a drop bar a couple of weeks back when I went out with a friend.

Initially, I stayed in our house - in separate rooms - and stayed amicable. I respected her need for space. She started blowing hot and cold though. One minute she would be open and it would feel like we would be getting back to normal, then she would just close up. She started playing games like wearing her wedding rings when she was out and taking them off whenever she was around me. I got frustrated with the mixed messages and moved out that week. I go back home every lunchtime whilst she's at work and walk the dog.

I now just try to keep busy with work and taking care of myself, staring at 4 walls at the new place wasnt helping.

In my isolation I started thinking about my drinking and why I did it too much, I've been picking apart our relationship and how it was on life support long before I started drinking.

She's a workaholic. Doesn't get home until 6pm and then spends most her time talking to work colleagues or moaning to me about her day. Any free time we had was spent either apart or with friends and family.

Intimacy dwindled to nothing as did sex. Sex used to be spontaneous and exciting, then it turned into a planned event and had to be scheduled (huge turn off). She would always withdraw from intimacy because she assumed I was trying it on. When we did have sex it was basic starfish stuff. She would be interested in trying new stuff sexually but wouldn't follow though.

She wouldn't offer any encouragement and only pointed out my flaws and failures.

I became so withdrawn and worn down that I just felt numb I didn't care about anything. All of the time. So I started drinking and I enjoyed because I felt alive.

My fault was not communicating my concerns and just accepting them. I know that now. I've accepted my blame in this, but I don't think she's ready to accept hers so we can move forward.

I also have a suspicion that she's seeing someone else. Whilst we were talking about terms of the separation, I mentioned dating other people. She was coy, wouldn't give a straight answer and said 'if your head gets turned then don't dismiss it'. I also found birth control tablets in the bathroom, which she wasn't on whilst we were together.

How do I approach her with this? I want to reconcile, but part of me is now questioning if it's even worth it?

Sorry for the rant!
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post #6 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 08:21 AM
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Re: Hello.

@booned not a rant, mate. Just your honest feelings expressed amongst friends.

Your drinking was not a cause of the problems, however it was a symptom.

It seems that your wife was cutting you out of her life, so you replaced her with alcohol. You might just as easily have taken up a hobby, instead, like fishing, etc.

I am not one to immediately shout: "Oh! Your husband/wife is cheating on you" but I feel it would be remiss of me not to warn you that it's possible your wife has been cheating on you, either emotionally or physically. It's possible that a lover has pressured her into becoming exclusive with them, or she just wants to play the field.

I would suggest marital counselling, is that an option?

Also, seek free initial consultations with the best divorce lawyers in your town to at least find out what your options are.

Might be worth getting checked for STDs, just in case.


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post #7 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 08:43 AM
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Re: Hello.

Look, brother...

You got the ILYBINILWY speech...

She wants space...

She spends much time out of the house...

You can damn near bank on her having a boyfriend.

All of that said, it doesn't sound like she was a stellar partner prior to this. On top of being a questionable partner, now it appears she is also low character.

I'm not suggesting you were a stellar partner, either. It sounds like you're beginning to recognize the ways that you were deficient. But if she does have a boyfriend, your deficiencies as a partner in no way justifies her actions.

What are you actually trying to save?

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post #8 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 08:50 AM
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Re: Hello.

Not much to approach, she's already given you the ILYBNILWY speech, and is on birth control , and told you to look around to find a woman who wants you.

She's checked out!!!!

Nothing you going to be able to do to make her want you.

Go and get a lawyer, and clean up this mess.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #9 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 09:24 AM
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Cool Re: Hello.

"Trial Separation," ILYBINILWY, and "Go find another woman for sex," @booned ~ are all too often code phrases for the possibility of marital cheating!

Can you safely rule out this possibility?

Please procure a lawyer to protect your rights, and if you can, start researching her social media. You may well end up being totally surprised, exactly like I was!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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Last edited by arbitrator; 02-12-2020 at 09:38 AM. Reason: Edit
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post #10 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 11:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello.

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Look, brother...

You got the ILYBINILWY speech...

She wants space...

She spends much time out of the house...

You can damn near bank on her having a boyfriend.

All of that said, it doesn't sound like she was a stellar partner prior to this. On top of being a questionable partner, now it appears she is also low character.

I'm not suggesting you were a stellar partner, either. It sounds like you're beginning to recognize the ways that you were deficient. But if she does have a boyfriend, your deficiencies as a partner in no way justifies her actions.

What are you actually trying to save?

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I dont know what I'm trying to save, or if I want to anymore. Part of me wants to just dump all my thoughts onto her and see how she deals with it, making a decision based on her reaction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
@booned not a rant, mate. Just your honest feelings expressed amongst friends.

Your drinking was not a cause of the problems, however it was a symptom.

It seems that your wife was cutting you out of her life, so you replaced her with alcohol. You might just as easily have taken up a hobby, instead, like fishing, etc.

I am not one to immediately shout: "Oh! Your husband/wife is cheating on you" but I feel it would be remiss of me not to warn you that it's possible your wife has been cheating on you, either emotionally or physically. It's possible that a lover has pressured her into becoming exclusive with them, or she just wants to play the field.

I would suggest marital counselling, is that an option?

Also, seek free initial consultations with the best divorce lawyers in your town to at least find out what your options are.

Might be worth getting checked for STDs, just in case.
There isnt much point in councelling if she doesnt know if she wants to reconcile or not. And I agree, I'm reluctant to shout cheater without solid proof. Especially considering how anti-cheating she has always been.

The STI thing is worth checking though, although we havent been intimate since October last year. Thanks.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tilted 1 View Post
Not much to approach, she's already given you the ILYBNILWY speech, and is on birth control , and told you to look around to find a woman who wants you.

She's checked out!!!!

Nothing you going to be able to do to make her want you.

Go and get a lawyer, and clean up this mess.
Quote:
Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
"Trial Separation," ILYBINILWY, and "Go find another woman for sex," @booned ~ are all too often code phrases for the possibility of marital cheating!

Can you safely rule out this possibility?

Please procure a lawyer to protect your rights, and if you can, start researching her social media. You may well end up being totally surprised, exactly like I was!
Im 50 / 50 on the whole thing. Part of me knows how anti-cheating she is, but the other part questions why she would say and do these things knowing that? I dont want to be all clandestine and start stalking her social media and reading her messages (I do know the passwords providing she hasnt changed them).

I've given her until the end of March to decide what she wants (if I still want the same thing at that point), then we will move towards divorce. I'm reluctant to rush into anything without 100% knowing, and she is a sensible woman and wont try to screw me over like that.

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post #11 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 11:59 AM
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Cool Re: Hello.

When it does happen, please let us know how it goes, @booned ~ we care!

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post #12 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 12:39 PM
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Re: Hello.

Quote:
Originally Posted by booned View Post
I dont know what I'm trying to save, or if I want to anymore. Part of me wants to just dump all my thoughts onto her and see how she deals with it, making a decision based on her reaction.



There isnt much point in councelling if she doesnt know if she wants to reconcile or not. And I agree, I'm reluctant to shout cheater without solid proof. Especially considering how anti-cheating she has always been.

The STI thing is worth checking though, although we havent been intimate since October last year. Thanks.





Im 50 / 50 on the whole thing. Part of me knows how anti-cheating she is, but the other part questions why she would say and do these things knowing that? I dont want to be all clandestine and start stalking her social media and reading her messages (I do know the passwords providing she hasnt changed them).

I've given her until the end of March to decide what she wants (if I still want the same thing at that point), then we will move towards divorce. I'm reluctant to rush into anything without 100% knowing, and she is a sensible woman and wont try to screw me over like that.
You know determination but , it not the same as foolishness believing in some lie a cheater will tell you. But regardless of the view she once held about affairs. It's now changed. Do not believe us here but the words of you own wife. If she needs to draw you a picture ask her, I'm sure she would do that for you.

Your hanging on to a memory that, no longer exists. All you need to do is accept it. If you don't you'll be the joke with your family and friends.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #13 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 12:44 PM
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Re: Hello.

Quote:
Originally Posted by booned View Post

My wife sat me down last month and fed me the old 'i love you but I'm not in love with you' line. She said she wanted a break, and wasn't sure if she even wanted to try and work it out.

Reasons were my drinking habits and ambition -







She's a workaholic. Doesn't get home until 6pm and then spends most her time talking to work colleagues or moaning to me about her day. Any free time we had was spent either apart or with friends and family.

Intimacy dwindled to nothing as did sex.

She wouldn't offer any encouragement and only pointed out my flaws and failures.



My fault was not communicating my concerns and just accepting them.
I also have a suspicion that she's seeing someone else.

Sorry for the rant!
It all adds up to your W has a boyfriend. Start digging.

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post #14 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2020, 07:06 PM
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Re: Hello.

And the reason for the lack of sex between you and her, is it would be cheating on her Affair Partner. Sorry Booned

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #15 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 01:44 AM
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Re: Hello.

@booned, marital counselling would be difficult under the circumstances but individual counselling for you might be of benefit to you.


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