My mom passed away a month ago. - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 05:18 AM Thread Starter
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Today we finally started getting things out of the house, and it has left me feeling sad and missing my mother. I am the executor of her estate, and truly wish that one of my siblings could take over. My brother thinks he is owed everything. My sister just doesn't know what to do. My mother had stage iv cancer, but her death was sudden, and didn't leave a will. I think, in part, she chose not to leave a will so as to not upset anyone. Unfortunately, it leaves me figuring everything out. I do have a lawyer, and am working on probate.

When I was packing my mom's clothes I noticed quite a few items missing. My sister lives out of state, so it wasn't her. When I asked my brother if his girlfriend took anything he denied it instantly. What is missing are things I purchased for my mom, and it just further adds to the pain.

So, I have to go back tomorrow to finish things up and now I am angry and don't trust them. As if things weren't bad enough already, his girlfriend had to steal from our deceased mother. Who does that? She also took 5 purses which were all gifts to my mom. One was an identical purse that my mom bought for herself, my sister and I. It's gone too. 😢

I haven't been able to process my grief because I am too busy dealing with the legal aspects. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. Any advice on how to get through this nightmare would be greatly appreciated. I desperately need help. Confronting my brother and his girlfriend will only make things worse. Thank you.

This is also affecting my marriage from the sheer amount of stress I am under. We love each other dearly, but we just seen so distant since my mother passed. He also loves my mother, and considered her his mom (his passed almost 30 years ago) so he was very close to mine.


Last edited by Ed3n; 09-30-2019 at 05:41 AM.
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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 05:41 AM
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Re: My mom passed away a month ago.

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Originally Posted by Ed3n View Post
Today we finally started getting things out of the house, and it has left me feeling sad and missing my mother. I am the executor of her estate, and truly wish that one of my siblings could take over. My brother thinks he is owed everything. My sister just doesn't know what to do. My mother had stage iv cancer, but her death was sudden, and didn't leave a will. I think, in part, she chose not to leave a will so as to not upset anyone. Unfortunately, it leaves me figuring everything out. I do have a later, and am working on probate.

When I was taking my mom's clothes I noticed quite a few items missing. My sister lives out of state, so it wasn't her. When I asked my brother if his girlfriend took anything he denied it instantly. What is missing are things I purchased for my mom, and it just further age to the pain. So, I have to go back tomorrow to finish things up and now I am any and don't trust them. As if things were bad enough already, his girlfriend had to steal from our deceased mother. Who does that?

I haven't been able to process my grief because I am to busy dealing with the legal sheets. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. Any advice on how to get through this nightmare would be greatly appreciated. I desperately need help. Thank you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom two years ago and I'm still working on cleaning out her things. I promised her I would do it right and not just dump all her beloved things into a dumpster so I'm trying to abide by her wishes. It's been SO much harder than I ever thought possible. I think you have to keep reminding yourself that this is the last thing you'll ever get to do for your Mom so you want to do it right.

As for your brother wanting everything, that's most likely his grief speaking. My uncle was the same way when my grandmother passed. The man took it all...the furniture, the dishes, everything, even though he had NO place to put any of it. He just couldn't let her go and holding onto her stuff was his way of holding onto her. I'd ask your sister what she absolutely wants, figure out what you absolutely want and then let him have the rest. That's what my mother did with her brother and it worked out ok.

As for his girlfriend...I'm not sure of what to say about that. That's a tough one without any real proof. Are you sure your Mom didn't get rid of some items before she passed? Women tend to rotate clothing so it's possible his girlfriend didn't take anything.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs*
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 07:03 AM
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Cool Re: My mom passed away a month ago.

Sorry for your loss, @Ed3n ~ as I can only imagine what you're going through!

Been there and done that, exeutorwise! My Mom passed back in 2001 and it still seems like yesterday! Executorship is something that I could never wish on anyone!

Wish that I could go home once again to see her and Dad, knowing fully where it was that he was coming from, but fully hoping that Thomas Wolfe has it all wrong!

Well, perhaps in due time!

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Last edited by arbitrator; 09-30-2019 at 07:49 AM. Reason: Edit
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 07:47 AM
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Re: My mom passed away a month ago.

Death is the final goodbye, it usually done in the middle of the night, and most never say or hear any proper toodle-oo's

Sorry for your loss.

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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 10:15 AM
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Re: My mom passed away a month ago.

Since you are in charge change the locks on the doors and, nothing is going to change with your brother it's entitlement in his mind. Write it out give your brother a copy and hash things out from there. I haven't spoken to my siblings in 4 yrs. Did what my father wanted in his wishes.

All of the house and property went to my sis, and I'm glad l received nothing nor did they. She really needed the help, but this brought on resentment and bad feelings from them. It's just that some believe they needed everything and ended up with nothing. But the others needed nothing but greed rules the hearts of those who have always been like that.

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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 10:41 AM
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Re: My mom passed away a month ago.

i feel for you. i lost my mom june 2017.

like you, she had stuff stolen. she had in home care takers the last few months of her life and they stoled most of my mom's jewelry, including her mom's wedding ring
which was a precious family heirloom. whaterya gonna do? there was no way to prove who took it, it was just gone. just added to the grief.

i wasn't burdened by having to deal with her possessions as my dad is still alive, so i didn't have to go through what you are having to.

but my mom and me were close since i was a small kid. she was maybe my best friend ever.

my condolences brother. i have no better advice than just to get through it whatever it takes, and look after yourself.
see a shrink or even better, join a bereavement group. that helped me tremendously when i lost my kid brother.
there's something very healing about being with others going through the same thing.
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 11:59 AM
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Re: My mom passed away a month ago.

One way to distribute the stuff in the house is to have each person take one item at a time of something they want. Some things that don't make sense to break up would be grouped together. All the silverware would be one item, the china would be one item, the bedroom set would be one item, etc. Keep going one at a time until there's nothing more that anyone wants. Draw straws for who goes first. So A takes an item, then B, then C, then A, then B, etc. This way you're not making the decision of who gets what. Each person picks the item they want most out of all the available stuff. Whatever is left at the end gets sold or donated and the proceeds split evenly.

One way for people to tag things they want is to give everyone different color dot stickers and they put their dots on the thing they want. Office supply stores have those kinds of stickers.

Why does your brother think he is owed everything? Is there a legitimate reason for that, such as he gave large financial support or spent lots of time helping her?
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 01:36 PM
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Re: My mom passed away a month ago.

Ed3n

my apologies, didn't notice your avitar that you are female. Again, condolences.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 01:57 PM
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Re: My mom passed away a month ago.

I'm so sorry for your loss and for what you're going through in the aftermath, as well.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 09:02 PM
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Re: My mom passed away a month ago.

You have my most profound sympathies, but if your brother's girlfriend took the purses, they have both more than worn out their welcome.

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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 09:40 PM
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Re: My mom passed away a month ago.

I am sorry for your loss. Perhaps, you and @Tomara might help one another. I have posted some suggestions on her thread that might help you too.
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 10:23 PM
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Re: My mom passed away a month ago.

This is why its so vital that we make a will before we die. Not only that but make sure we leave the same amount to each child and specifically mention any item that we want to go to someone named so that there is no doubt.

One poster mentioned that their parent left everything to one child. No wonder the others were hurt and angry, they must have felt so rejected. I would always leave the exact same to each of my children.

Can you and your husband do this together? I am sure that you could do with his help and it may bring you together more.
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2019, 10:27 PM
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Re: My mom passed away a month ago.

My condolences to you and your family

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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 01:28 PM
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Re: My mom passed away a month ago.

@Ed3n
I am sorry for your loss. I also was put in the situation of taking care of everything regarding funeral, celebration of life, helping my dad get rid of mom’s stuff (which was the day after she died!)

I am two years out from my mother’s passing. I am not dealing well with it yet.

I think having to be the strong, take care of all the business person **** doesn’t truly allow that person to grieve the precious loss.

I am here if you need to talk, cry, scream. I am doing the same thing.

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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 03:59 PM
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Re: My mom passed away a month ago.

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@Ed3n
I am sorry for your loss. I also was put in the situation of taking care of everything regarding funeral, celebration of life, helping my dad get rid of mom’s stuff (which was the day after she died!)

I am two years out from my mother’s passing. I am not dealing well with it yet.

I think having to be the strong, take care of all the business person **** doesn’t truly allow that person to grieve the precious loss.

I am here if you need to talk, cry, scream. I am doing the same thing.

Blessings


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Yes there are many things that can happen that stop us being able to grieve the loss. When my mum died very suddenly age 57, which was 33 years ago now, I had three small children, one just a baby. It was impossible for me to have any time to think, grieve or even have a short time to myself to just be. I just wanted to collapse in a heap, for someone to come and take over for a while, but instead I had to look after not only my children, but my dad, my husband at that time, and my brother.
I felt jealous of my brother who didn't have a child at that time, as he was able to go away by himself and visit places that were special to us all and have that time alone.

Thankfully now there is far more help in the way of counselling, so do make use of that. Just to have that opportunity to talk about her will help.

I can understand that you are remembering the bad parts at the end, that will pass eventually, and you will be able to remember the good times that you had before. It took a lot of time for me, but it willhelp for you to have that counselling. Also what use will it serve if you hold on to that anger and unforgiveness towards yourself? It will hurt no one but you, and I am sure that your mum would want you to let go of that blame. Everyone will loose parents unless they die first, you couldn't have stopped it. It sounds as if you were a good caring daughter.
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