It has been 5 years since I lost my wife but I'm still not ok - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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  • 3 Post By FrazzledSadHusband
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-07-2019, 09:54 PM Thread Starter
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It has been 5 years since I lost my wife but I'm still not ok

I can't believe it is almost 5 years since I lost my wife to cancer , the young pretty lady passed away in her mid 30s ...I'll never forget her , I can't stop thinking of her

I still see her in my dreams , we lived together the best 4 years in my life.

what makes it worse now is , I may get married next year and I feel bad about that ..... the lady I'm dating is really supportive and she is doing everything she can to make me feel better but I don't know.

Tell me please about your experience

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-07-2019, 10:40 PM
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Re: It has been 5 years since I lost my wife but I'm still not ok

I don't have the experience of losing a spouse, but, don't you think your wife would want you to enjoy life again? Marriage vows are "till death", not forever.

Cherish the memories, but be thankful you have found someone that is supportive.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-07-2019, 10:55 PM
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Re: It has been 5 years since I lost my wife but I'm still not ok

Loosing someone you love is always so very painful, and I am wondering if you are ready to date/marry again if you haven't yet fully gone though the grieving process? It seems you are still in love with her, not sure if that is fair on your present partner.

I am sure that your wife would have wanted you to be happy again, especially as you are still young, but only you know if you can truly love and be a committed husband to your new partner while still loving your wife. Could your present lady ever live up to your wife? Its a hard things to do, try and replace a loved former spouse.

I would suggest some grief counselling.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-08-2019, 12:26 AM
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Re: It has been 5 years since I lost my wife but I'm still not ok

I am very sorry for your loss but make sure you are marrying this other lady for the right reasons. It's not fair to her to always live in your lost wife's shadow.

Finally my friend, you have to accept it. Everything in life ends, everything. This is as much a part of life as life itself. As terrible and sad as it is, this was always the fate of your relationship, and this new one too. That is what life is about. It's happy and sad. There is joy and deep pain. There is life and death. But you still should celebrate your life and try to live it to the fullest.

This new women is with you here and now. Cling to her and lover her while you can, because you know more then most life is short.

You hear all the time that the BS has to eat a **** sandwich, but most of the time the WS -- IS the **** sandwich.

Last edited by sokillme; 10-08-2019 at 01:19 AM.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-08-2019, 03:08 AM
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Re: It has been 5 years since I lost my wife but I'm still not ok

I think you need to resolve these issues BEFORE you get married again.

You haven't gotten over your first wife. She will always be perfect, because she no longer exists in the here and now, and is unable to demonstrate any of the imperfections and shortcomings that EVERY person has to some degree.

Any new partner will be competing against this perfect love.

It sounds to me like you are still in the mourning period over losing your first wife. You need to reconcile this, and move past the mourning before you can be fair and commit completely to anyone else.

You're not a bad guy, you're not doing anything wrong, you're just not ready to move on, in my opinion. I think you may still need grief counseling.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-08-2019, 03:21 AM
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Re: It has been 5 years since I lost my wife but I'm still not ok

I also think you would benefit from grief counseling.

It is possible to retain one's love for a spouse who has passed away and still have a good marriage to someone new, but the new spouse has to be the focus and cannot be in competition with the former spouse. When people die, we don't have to stop loving them, but we do have to let them go, mostly so we can move forward in life. Your first wife will always have a special place in your heart, but your new wife deserves your complete attention and affection or you are not giving her what every married person should have.


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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-08-2019, 09:11 AM
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Re: It has been 5 years since I lost my wife but I'm still not ok

its not fair to your new bride to be if you are still pining for your lost love, its one thing to combat the memories of an ex still alive still another to combat the memories of one that has passed...for her it will be fighting a ghost that exist between you...i would hold off until you are ready. Because you are not ready, and i say that not to hurt you i say it help you realize that if you want this marriage to work you need to only be thinking about the woman you are about to marry.
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 10:06 PM
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Re: It has been 5 years since I lost my wife but I'm still not ok

She'd want you to be happy and move forward with your life. Losing anyone we love takes time and while we don't ever fully recover, we can get better. Talk to someone about anything that's bothering you about it because it isn't good if you're just bottling it up.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 10:45 PM
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Re: It has been 5 years since I lost my wife but I'm still not ok

Did the subject (of you finding a new love) ever come up while your first love of your life was still with you?
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-11-2019, 11:36 PM
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Re: It has been 5 years since I lost my wife but I'm still not ok

I actually watched this happen in my own family.

My sister married a guy a few years after his wife died in childbirth with their third.

Trust me when I say, see someone about your grief and deal with it first before you commit to marriage with another. It is not fair to either of you.

Some bad examples: he called out his dead wife’s name when they were intimate. (No joke)

The new marriage didn’t last 5 years. He just couldn’t get over his former wife.

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