Can't Get Wife out on Date Night Anymore - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-09-2011, 07:29 PM Thread Starter
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Question Can't Get Wife out on Date Night Anymore

I need advice. My wife has trouble letting some one else take care of the kids. We both work. She does shift work and I have a 50+ hour job on normal weeks. I know we are not the only one. We have on child that is 3 years old and another that is 10 months old.

When our first arrived we made it on dates maybe once every three months. When our second arrived, we have only been on one date with out kids.

I was picking up my kids at daycare this afternoon and another father was talking about how they were going to drop there kids off at day care for parents night out. This is a service that is offered by our day care provider once a month from 5 pm to 10 pm.

My wife refuses to use this service. She says our 10 month old is to young but yet I know have met two others that have done this with younger babies.

My wife refuses to get a babysitter.

My parents only live 45 minutes away but she refuses to drop both kids off overnight. She doesnít think my parents can handle it.

We have only been out once for dinner in a movie since our youngest was born. That was because her parents were down.
I am tired. I take care of the kids as much as she does. When she works, she leaves at 5:30 am. I get the kids up, dressed and to daycare. I have a 1 hour commute. Then after work, I am the one who goes and picks them up. Feeds them, baths them, and gets them to bed. Before she gets home so the house is quite. Bed time is around 7:30 pm since I get the kids up at 5:45 am.

Our life is hectic which I am sure many other are two. But, I just want some time with my wife alone or even with myself alone. When I come home from work and she isnít working, the kids are up. It is still my responsibility to put my oldest daughter to bed.

By the way our oldest may have autism which makes her difficult to deal with.

I want a break away from work, and (I hate to say i) my kids. I would love to do this with my wife but she wonít let go. I feel to guilty to do it one my own. Any advice?

Yes, I still love my wife very very much. I just want time with her.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-09-2011, 07:54 PM
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Re: Can't Get Wife out on Date Night Anymore

From my experience it was much easier thanks to our very supportive neighbours. Heck we don't even have to pay for daycare (we return the favors in other ways, such as dinner, helping them with their garden, etc etc) Our neighbours have known our daughter since the beginning too, personally I don't trust daycare either, perhaps your wife has that problem.

I want to know exactly how my daughter will be treated. After they earned my trust they have been a great boon for our family, and I'm at peace knowing my daughter is in good hands whenever the missus and I decide on our date nights.

Caring friends and families > daycare.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-09-2011, 08:08 PM
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Re: Can't Get Wife out on Date Night Anymore

Is there anything you can do where you can spend time with your wife while your kids are otherwise occupied, until you get something better figured out? Put on a kid movie in the living room and have a romantic dinner in the dining room (order the food to be delivered so your date isn't "work"). Ask someone (a babysitter, neighbor, friend) to supervise the kids so they stay quiet and out of your hair. This kind of thing can be done much more frequently, and it allows your wife to feel secure (she's right there if they need her) but you still can have some alone time together.

Maybe once she sees that the kids are fine for a few hours with someone else, she'll feel more comfortable going out on a proper date with you.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-09-2011, 09:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can't Get Wife out on Date Night Anymore

Omega,

I really liked your advice about having a babysitter over while we take a break at the house. Our house has a balcony with a table that over looks the man made lake. My wife calls it an overly done ditch (lol). Anyways, that would be a perfect place for the two of us to escape and have dinner and wine for an hour or two while the kids are downstairs.

Thanks a million!
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-10-2011, 04:40 AM
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Re: Can't Get Wife out on Date Night Anymore

Excellent! Sounds like a great first step for you guys
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-10-2011, 05:04 AM
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Re: Can't Get Wife out on Date Night Anymore

I was going to suggesting the idea of having a babysitter come over while you are at home too.

We did this with our son when he was younger. The main reason we started it was because we just did not trust anyone but a couple of close family members to watch him and they were not always available.

Over time we got to trust the young lady, a college student. After that we did go out and had her watch him while we were out. That way at least he was in his own home and his own bed.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-10-2011, 09:15 AM
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Re: Can't Get Wife out on Date Night Anymore

I think your wife needs to know this affects you. Disjointed schedules are killers in a relationship. I know I live in one. You have to find a "safe" babysitter your wife FULLY trusts.

The issue is not to look needy, but she needs to be made aware that quality time alone with her spouse is critical even when in full on mommy mode. Tread carefully though.

The babysitter at home is a great idea... also are there any neighbors you could befriend and take turns watching each other kids. When my kids were young we had an older couple neighbor across the street basically be in essence another set of grandparents to our boys...Oma and Opa. You would be surprised at the kind hearted people around you. Neighbor babysitters are the best! Built in trust factor too.

Here's a good line to use on your wife in mommy mode...

"Honey is there anything I can do for you today to make your day easier?"

They eat that stuff up... Good Luck.


Also try to create "Experiences" for her at home... dates don't have to be out. Maybe invite her friends over as a surprise (You babysit). Or tell her you need 20 minutes to try a new dance move with her etc. Have a big family movie night with all the trimmings etc. There are lots of dates you can set up in your home. Women want "experiences" they also want to see you nurturing the kids. Create experiences involving he whole family... you plan it. Your wife will want to reciprocate eventually.

In the end though you have to realize she is a mom now... kids will ALWAYS come first from here on out and it only gets worse later. I was having great sex at your stage... now two years sexless (kids teens) BUT we are almost past that now. Strap yourself in the ride just began for you... hold on tight and don't fall off. You are a dad! Hardest job in the world and you get scraps of support. Your kids can screw up and your wife loves them no matter what. You don't get that same treatment...sorry. Tread carefully everything you do could be another resentment (everything!)... its like walking a minefield. I wouldn't trade the job for anything though well worth all the hassle. Its crazy but that's the way it works. Have to stay strong. Good luck..you'll need it! We got an awesome dog (G. Shep.) that helped. I miss my dog now . Hard losing your dog and wife sexually and your job at the same time.
At least I found an awesome job... now I need my wife back (almost there).

Last edited by Trying2figureitout; 12-10-2011 at 09:49 AM.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-10-2011, 09:08 PM
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Re: Can't Get Wife out on Date Night Anymore

Do you and your wife have any close friends with kids? If so you can swap kids for date nights. They watch yours and then you watch theirs. Kids are with people they know and people you trust and it's free!!
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-19-2011, 01:09 AM
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Re: Can't Get Wife out on Date Night Anymore

Well, getting out with your wife is important. Truthfully, the more kids in the house, the more important this is. I like the idea of a home date night. More importantly, it can be a segway to ultimately truly going out. We have two babysitters that we use. One is an older teenager, who was broken in by many nights of us being home, followed by just going out locally. Now, I don't worry, the kids are fine. The other is an exceptionally good daycare worker, who used to care for them there. We already knew her before she started babysitting, so the transition was quick.

Whatever you choose though, you MUST start to get out. It is important, or you will wake up one day and wonder why the two of you don't know each other anymore. I had a son come home with medical problems. Basically, everyone was afraid of him, and we were afraid to leave him with anyone for a year. That took its toll. When we made going out a priority (usually twice a month or so) it helped our relationship immensely.
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