Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior? - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 05:09 PM Thread Starter
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Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?

Hello,

I have been married for 5 years with my husband. We are both working and we have a prenup agreement, so we have a common account and personal accounts.
Recently I found out that my husband bought an appartment for rent with his own money and with a mortgage. He told me about it only after he made all arrangement behind my back and the bank will not give him a morgage if I do not give signature confirming my knowledge about his house purchase and mortgage.

I felt betrayed by him, since eventhough we have separate finances, decisions such as lending a large amount of money from the bank and getting a new house is a very big decision and he did not even consult me.

After the house purchase was made my husband had literally no more money since he gave his last cent savings towards the house, so we ended up paying all monthly expenses (food, rent, utilities) solely from my salary. It has been going on for 2 months. I know this is temporary since in the upcoming months things will be stable again when he gets his salary. Nevertheless, this increases my resentment towards him since yet this is another proof, he puts his selfish financial ambition above our marriage and that he does not mind burdening me for it.

Am I over reacting? Any advise what I should do at this time? I lost all trust in him, and I do not think I can get pass this since I am convince that this financial selfishness of him will happen again in the future. I am contemplating divorce since financial infidelity is not something I can live with.

I would be greatful for any help and advise. it will help me be more objective and be less emotional in making my decision. Right now I do not even know what is acceptable behavior anymore. Thank you.

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post #2 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 05:36 PM
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Hello,

I have been married for 5 years with my husband. We are both working and we have a prenup agreement, so we have a common account and personal accounts.
Recently I found out that my husband bought an appartment for rent with his own money and with a mortgage. He told me about it only after he made all arrangement behind my back and the bank will not give him a morgage if I do not give signature confirming my knowledge about his house purchase and mortgage.

I felt betrayed by him, since eventhough we have separate finances, decisions such as lending a large amount of money from the bank and getting a new house is a very big decision and he did not even consult me.

After the house purchase was made my husband had literally no more money since he gave his last cent savings towards the house, so we ended up paying all monthly expenses (food, rent, utilities) solely from my salary. It has been going on for 2 months. I know this is temporary since in the upcoming months things will be stable again when he gets his salary. Nevertheless, this increases my resentment towards him since yet this is another proof, he puts his selfish financial ambition above our marriage and that he does not mind burdening me for it.

Am I over reacting? Any advise what I should do at this time? I lost all trust in him, and I do not think I can get pass this since I am convince that this financial selfishness of him will happen again in the future. I am contemplating divorce since financial infidelity is not something I can live with.

I would be greatful for any help and advise. it will help me be more objective and be less emotional in making my decision. Right now I do not even know what is acceptable behavior anymore. Thank you.
To answer your question, no you are not overreacting. I would expect my husband to consult me on a big purchase. You have also lost the opportunity to bond by looking at properties together, budgeting and working together on this purchase.

A question I would ask you if this is indeed surprising if you have started off your marriage with a what’s mine is mine mentality. Your husband probably didn’t expect that he needed you to be on the mortgage. He was going to purchase this property because it’s his money to do whatever with. How you’re spending your money together sounds like a roommate arrangement. You pay for this and I’ll pay for that.

You need to have a Come to Jesus talk with your husband and put some rules down around your spending. I would also have a look at the property and get involved in that purchase starting now. Since the property will also be yours, you haven’t lost. Oh wait what does the prenup say?

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post #3 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 05:43 PM
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Re: Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?

So towards the end of your OP, I gathered you went ahead and signed the paper that needed to be signed. May I ask why? What was that conversation like?

And my significant other buying another place to live...in secret...would make me flip. That secret part....WHY? What does he plan to do with it? A place to live when he leaves you? A place for trysts or a GF?

You sound more "Okay" with all this than I would be.

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post #4 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 05:56 PM
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Re: Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?

Sounds to me as if he is executing an exit strategy. You need to shore up your own finances. Since you two have kept a lot separate, there may not be a lot to divide. But paying "his share" of expenses now may not come back to you.

What he did was nasty and yes you should divorce him.

I am curious as to why you two had a pre nup. And it might be, keeping finances as separate you two did may have encouraged him subconcisouly to think that what he did was ok.

Do you live in state where a spouse needs a signed statement from the partner acknowledging the sale of property? If so, as someone else asked when did you sign and when was that form presented to you?
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post #5 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 06:27 PM
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Re: Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?

Tough one.

Do you shut down all his plans to earn more money?
Did he get it a a super low price?
Did he say it was for rental income?
Did he talk in the past at wanting rental property? And if so did you suport him ?

I think it was bull that he did it behind your back . Unless you shoot down all his plans then I could understand him thinking hey this is my money that we keep separately except that he unilaterally decided you would cover the short fall will bills.

I would sugest you ask for repayment in the difference you covered bill wise.and then a conversation about future expenditures and budget.

Hows the rest of your marriage?
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post #6 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 06:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?

@pragmaticGoddess thank you for your input. Our prenup basically said the wealth that we have before our mariage should be owned to ourself, not as a property of our mariage. Both my husband and I agreed on this prenup before marriage because some of my parents finance were under my name, and I did not feel it is right to claim what belongs to my parents as ours.

@VibrantWings thank you for your reply. Yes in the end I went and signed the papers underpressure, because my husband said he already put the downpayment to the house and if the purchase does not go through he will loose a significant amount of money. To be honest, I signed the papers with resentment. We had a huge fight about it the night before, but in the end I signed it. I literally knew about the house purcahse less than a week before the deadline of signing the papers.
He did not say why he kept it a secret but I suspect because I would be against the purchase, because it is beyond his means. You see, in order for him to get this place not only did he borrowed a significant amount of money from the bank but also his friends. The reason why he wanted to get the house is, renovate it, and to rent it out and get some rent money out of it.


@NextTimeAround thank you for your reply. Yes, basically the bank told him, they need me, the wife, to sign the paper acknowledging the purchase of the house, the house will be 100% under his name and his ownership though. I literally know all about this 1 week before the signing deadline. He only told me about this purchase because there was no other way to do this without my involvement. As mentioned, this hurt my feelings a lot.

@chillymorn69 thank you for responding. I did some investigation because I was worried about his determination to purchase the property, the house price and the location is not the best deal, there are plenty of other better opportunity. The only reason why he is persistant is because his friend promised to find him a tenant right away.
Yes, you are correct, I am the fiscally conservative one in the family, I would have not been to quick to agree on a property before doing some investigation and checking the health of our finance. I would not have made a split second decision for something this big. So most likely I would be the one who would slow down the process. The rest of our marriage is not that great, before this purchase, my husband has made some other big decisions single handedly (renovating the house without proper planning nor my agreement, that resulted me being ill, because of the heavy dust, for an extended period of time and indirectly caused me to lose my job because not performing 150% at my work). We do have a problem of him making decisions without consulting me and this results me resenting him. Am I over reacting also on this matter?

Ladies, any advise what should be my next step? Do you think is this marriage still recoverable as I think he would do this again in the future.

Last edited by hburg3r; 01-01-2018 at 06:45 PM.
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post #7 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 06:44 PM
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Re: Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?

This sounds like a strange sort of marriage were such things are hidden and money is kept separate. To me marriage has always been that whatever you have when you marry is both of yours from then on. That all purchases are discussed and agreed together.
What he did was terrible and especially as he now expects you to pay all the bills. Also if he defaults on the mortgage the bank can and will come after you. I would never have agreed to sign.

How will he pay the loans back to the people he borrowed from? How will he afford the renovations?
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post #8 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 06:52 PM
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Re: Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?

Well if he has a history of this type of stuff even though you tried to set some boundries then maybe its a deal breaker.

Only you can decide . Maybe you are not compatible financially.
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post #9 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 06:57 PM
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Re: Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?

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Originally Posted by hburg3r View Post
Hello,

I have been married for 5 years with my husband. We are both working and we have a prenup agreement, so we have a common account and personal accounts.
Recently I found out that my husband bought an appartment for rent with his own money and with a mortgage. He told me about it only after he made all arrangement behind my back and the bank will not give him a morgage if I do not give signature confirming my knowledge about his house purchase and mortgage.

I felt betrayed by him, since eventhough we have separate finances, decisions such as lending a large amount of money from the bank and getting a new house is a very big decision and he did not even consult me.

After the house purchase was made my husband had literally no more money since he gave his last cent savings towards the house, so we ended up paying all monthly expenses (food, rent, utilities) solely from my salary. It has been going on for 2 months. I know this is temporary since in the upcoming months things will be stable again when he gets his salary. Nevertheless, this increases my resentment towards him since yet this is another proof, he puts his selfish financial ambition above our marriage and that he does not mind burdening me for it.

Am I over reacting? Any advise what I should do at this time? I lost all trust in him, and I do not think I can get pass this since I am convince that this financial selfishness of him will happen again in the future. I am contemplating divorce since financial infidelity is not something I can live with.

I would be greatful for any help and advise. it will help me be more objective and be less emotional in making my decision. Right now I do not even know what is acceptable behavior anymore. Thank you.
Just curious, what country do you live in?
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post #10 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 07:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?

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How will he pay the loans back to the people he borrowed from? How will he afford the renovations?
@Diana7 thank you for your feedback. A parts of of his salary will be used to pay back the mortgage and to the people he borrowed to. He also claims once the property is rented, he basically has enough money to balance all of his expenses and he will not have anymore financial issue.

It is good to get feedback from all of you, at least to get affirmation that his behavior is not OK. When you are in a marriage that is not quite right for sometime, you tend to lose your way. Your feedback has at least gave me some direction that my thoughts are not completely irrational.

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post #11 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 07:35 PM
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Re: Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?

It sounds like a lot of "iffy" in this purchase- am I reading into that correctly? I'm usually the fiscally responsible one in my relationships, too (my guy says I can "make Lincoln scream" because I pinch a penny so hard). I would need a definite answer on the secret part of all this if it was me.
Could be his ego....wanting to show you he can do it on his own- without you/your permission. It could be he listens to his friends more than his fiscally responsible other half. Or, it could be one of the things mentioned above in my first post to you.

Btw, I've never been involved with a pre-nup....but since you said it involves "things acquired before the marriage", wouldn't this property be considered "something acquired DURING the marriage"? Is there a difference?
Also, even if it's exclusively in his name, can someone come after you/your assets if he defaults on this loan?

I can understand trying to keep some things separate, but that can be easier said than done when you're married.
Secrets are never a sign of something good about to happen, IMO/experience.

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Last edited by VibrantWings; 01-01-2018 at 07:42 PM.
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post #12 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 07:35 PM
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Re: Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?

I personally wouldn't want a marriage like that. The question is do you?
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post #13 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 07:56 PM
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Re: Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?

Make sure you keep track of all the extra you are paying in rent and food so he can pay you back as well.
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post #14 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 08:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?

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I personally wouldn't want a marriage like that. The question is do you?
well, getting a divorce is not an easy decision and an option I highly dislike, but I do not want to live with anger and resentment for the rest of my life. I just want to have a good husband and live in peace.

@VibrantWings, according to my husband, since the property is solely under his name, if he gets into a debt, the bank will only come after him and not me. But I do not think this is as easy as that, even if the debt belongs to him alone, his bad finances will also affect both our lives not only him. In reality we are living as a family.
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post #15 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-01-2018, 08:05 PM
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Re: Husband bought an appartment behind my back. Is this acceptable behavior?

@hburg3r

You said that your prenup only covers assets you each had before marriage. So it does not impact assets and liabilities accrued after marriage.

Your husband was wrong to buy a property with you being involved. It was also wrong for him to get a loan and mortgage in his name only. In most places, even if the mortgage is in his name only, you are still liable to pay it. The means that if he cannot pay the mortgage, the lender can come after you for the payments. But you are not on the deed, so you would be paying for something that you don't even own. You would have to go to court and sue your husband to get possession of a property that you are paying on.

Did he use per-marital assets/cash to buy the property? Did he also use money that he had earned after marriage to buy it? If he mixed the premarital assets/cash with post marital assets/cash, then he converted the pre-marital assets to marital assets. If you divorce, you entitled to 50% of the equity in that property.

What money is he going to use to renovate that place? Since he has no money left, it seems that he will be using post-marriage assets/cash to renovate. So basically he is nto doing this all on his own, he is forcing you to help pay for this property.

He will be using his income (while married) to pay off the mortgage. His after-marriage income is marital property/income. So again, it's marital property. It's not his sole property no matter if only his name is on the mortgage or deed.

I think you need to talk to him about putting you on the deed. You might want to talk to a lawyer about this before it gets too far along.

I agree that this is financial infidelity. I think divorce is your best way to handle a guy who does this.

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