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post #16 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 10:50 AM
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Re: Do you require an apology?

Asking for one will get written up in the infinitely long book of my transgressions anyhow so what's the point?


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post #17 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 11:50 AM
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Re: Do you require an apology?

I want to hear an apology every damn day for her PA. I don't get one. What I do get, on the other hand, is her showing her love and walking the straight and narrow.

This month, January, is when she had her PA three years ago. I found out less than a year ago. So it's still a trigger like a mofo. No apologies. She's ashamed and embarrassed, but right now I would also like an apology. So I may bring something up and fish for it.

That sounds bad I know, but when I'm hurting I need more than the usual hug and a kiss.
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post #18 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 12:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you require an apology?

So sorry, doubletrouble. Words are important for me, too.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #19 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 12:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you require an apology?

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Originally Posted by Runs like Dog View Post
Asking for one will get written up in the infinitely long book of my transgressions anyhow so what's the point?
Sounds like you don't have a lot of power in your relationship, RlD. CM is planning to do a thread soon on power dynamics. Maybe that will help you.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #20 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 03:53 PM
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Re: Do you require an apology?

I don't want an apology. I want a person to acknowledge the action that caused the discord and use that information to at least try not to make the same error again. OR at the very least, realize how it affected/impacted the other person.

An apology is an end. Acknowledgement is a means to an end. I prefer the latter.
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post #21 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 04:40 PM
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Re: Do you require an apology?

Yes - I would like to say I am a person who will hold their hands up and apologise, and I like this in others. I just feel more respectful of a person who can own their sh-t and the impact it has on the other person.

Reading these posts, I would like to find a way of not feeling somewhat resentful or het up about not getting an apology. Ideally I think an apology backed up with actions is the clearest way for each party to know where they stand and not have to second guess.

Are You Waiting for an Apology That May Never Come? - Dyanne Brown

The article in the link above is interesting and talks about how waiting for an apology can hurt you and recommends letting go for that reason. Another article I read a while back talked about FOO and how some people feel that giving an apology will doom them to having to take responsibility for other/past trangressions and so they won't go there.

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post #22 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 07:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you require an apology?

It seemed like a good article, but I don't think I could be married to someone who could not apologize. I have dropped friends over their inability to apologize, and family members, too.

Maybe my standards are just really high. But I know how much I give in relationships, and a threshold for me is the ability to call a wrong a wrong and ask forgiveness. I do it, and I expect it.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #23 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 07:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you require an apology?

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Originally Posted by Runs like Dog View Post
Asking for one will get written up in the infinitely long book of my transgressions anyhow so what's the point?
To be true to yourself. If you feel it is necessary, say that.

RlD, do you know much about boundaries? Or active listening? It sounds like your relationship needs some work.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #24 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 10:08 PM
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Re: Do you require an apology?

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Sounds like you don't have a lot of power in your relationship, RlD. CM is planning to do a thread soon on power dynamics. Maybe that will help you.
My sense of it is that if you routinely do something requiring an apology then an apology isn't really the point. "Why do I have to remind you you're being an angry sh^thead all of the time? You don't understand or care what being civilized IS."

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post #25 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 10:10 PM
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Re: Do you require an apology?

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To be true to yourself. If you feel it is necessary, say that.

RlD, do you know much about boundaries? Or active listening? It sounds like your relationship needs some work.
Are you married to a clinical paranoid? I am. Got the doctor's note and everything.


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post #26 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 10:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you require an apology?

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My sense of it is that if you routinely do something requiring an apology then an apology isn't really the point. "Why do I have to remind you you're being an angry sh^thead all of the time? You don't understand or care what being civilized IS."
She's saying that to you? How about responding, "I feel hurt when I hear that." Would that help?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #27 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 10:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you require an apology?

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Are you married to a clinical paranoid? I am. Got the doctor's note and everything.
No, I am married to a wonderfully healthy man. I am sorry for your situation. I can't imagine how challenging that is.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #28 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-09-2014, 09:50 AM
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Re: Do you require an apology?

I got an unsolicited apology yesterday for her treatment of me and cheating. It was sincere. That helped me a little. She asked if she was forgiven, and I said yes, but only after a long pause. Forgiven and forgotten are two different things. I wonder if I've really forgiven her, because I still trigger, still get mad, still feel pain. I'm trying.
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post #29 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-09-2014, 09:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you require an apology?

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I got an unsolicited apology yesterday for her treatment of me and cheating. It was sincere. That helped me a little. She asked if she was forgiven, and I said yes, but only after a long pause. Forgiven and forgotten are two different things. I wonder if I've really forgiven her, because I still trigger, still get mad, still feel pain. I'm trying.
Share this with her. Be this transparent. Let her into your heart.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #30 of 57 (permalink) Old 01-09-2014, 10:02 AM
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Re: Do you require an apology?

I don't know that I "require" one verbally, actions speak louder to me. If someone wants to give me one that's fine, but to me not doing the same thing(s) over and over again that you're apologizing for in the first place speaks volumes to me.

"Sometimes the best way to solve a ongoing problem is to stop participating in it."
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