She indicated together 9 years, he started drinking 5 years ago but stopped cold turkey (no time given) and then started up again at the wedding, which was recent (a month ago) so, based on the information at hand, he has been off the wagon for a month.
We do not know how long the stint was 5 years ago but in initial post she does not mention any of his negative traits. However, before that they should have had 4 years drink free in addition to whatever time of the past five he was on the wagon. He may have been drinking less than a year for all we know or as many as 5. It is not disclosed. Not until she began getting posts berating her position does she divulge his faults.
In the last paragraph of my OP I addressed his problem and a possible solution they could work on together. Also, we do know the OM drinks as they became acquainted "doing shots" at an event. It would appear that men who drink alcohol do not necessarily repulse her, possibly until she marries them. We all are prone to supposition on these boards but since she did not ask for help with her alcoholic H but rather for herself, to "forget" the OM, I assumed he was not her primary issue and responded accordingly. If she desires to remain married to her H, then she can post on the "marriage and addictions" board for help with that.
He started drinking about 5 years ago and it tarnished much of what we had, causing much pain for the whole family. He quit cold turkey and never touched booze again until the wedding. Now he's drinking daily once again. If I try to say something he blows up at me.
You asked her what steps she can take to be a loving wife. Her connecting with him is not going to solve his drinking if what she stated is true, nor make him treat her better.
I suggested she detach and seek help for herself. It will be hard to work on a relationship when both have issues.
Also, is it possible that the both of them do actions that makes their relationship weaker. Her hugging him, telling him that she loves him, will not stop him from drinking if what she stated is true.
All I know is that he started drinking again during the wedding. If he has continued from then onwards, I made that assumption because it sounds like it. All she posted was that he was cold turkey until the wedding and now he drinks everyday.
Is it possible that his actions caused her to detach from him, making her love him less? Neglect and abuse are some reasons why couples fall out of love. These actions cause the bond to fade.
True, the alcohol does not repulse her, but is it possible that his actions under the influence affect the outcome. One guy seems like fun and when she talks to her husband, she stated he attacks her.