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post #1 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-16-2016, 08:22 PM Thread Starter
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Revisited: Making A Man Wait For Sex

When I read an interesting thread here on TAM, many times I'll visit some other (random) forums to read about other people's experiences in the same/similar situation(s). Time and time again, I will read about how some man is angry because the woman he is dating is "making" him wait for sex.

This couldn't be further from the truth.

While it's true that SOME women will consciously "make" a man wait, for the sole purpose of deliberately trying to frustrate him, the majority of women are not doing this for that reason.

I resent the term that a woman is "making" a man do anything. She's not holding a gun to his head, threatening him with bodily harm or forcing him to remain celibate while dating her. He's free to go find someone else to have sex with, especially since sex is so easy to get these days. (I actually read a complaint from a man who felt a certain woman was "making" him wait...for 3 weeks...while he was involved in a LTR FWB situation!)

The second issue I have with this is the reason behind her decision to wait before having sex. Seems that some men think they already have it all figured out that women "who do this" are "playing games" with him.

As a woman who is interested in a LTR, I want to get to know a man before having sex with him. I want to learn his character...to see if his words match his actions...to observe him in different situations...to discover if his beliefs about life in general coincide with my own. I want to see if he's trustworthy. And I'm sorry to generalize, but it's been my experience that many men will LIE in order to get laid. They can tell you they want an LTR (with YOU) when the whole time, they just want to have sex. They can tell you that they are 'Christian', but it might take you several more weeks or months before discovering how non-Christian they really are.

Just like a man wants to "test drive" a woman before committing to her, she also wants to "test drive" a man...

...and not be pressured into signing on the dotted line by some smooth talking used car salesman! She wants the time to do her homework/research. She wants to kick the tires, see how it handles in the rain and test the brakes. She wants to make sure she's getting value for her 'investment'. When she walks away, she'll be thinking about all of the information she's learned (so far) and she doesn't want to make the wrong decision.

All of this takes time.

I'm writing this in order to encourage you (men) to please understand that women have a LOT more to lose by jumping into the sack with a man too soon. It's a reason why she wants to take her time evaluating her situation before making a decision.

Can you understand that? It really isn't about YOU.

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post #2 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-16-2016, 08:28 PM
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Re: Revisited: Making A Man Wait For Sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vega View Post
When I read an interesting thread here on TAM, many times I'll visit some other (random) forums to read about other people's experiences in the same/similar situation(s). Time and time again, I will read about how some man is angry because the woman he is dating is "making" him wait for sex.

This couldn't be further from the truth.

While it's true that SOME women will consciously "make" a man wait, for the sole purpose of deliberately trying to frustrate him, the majority of women are not doing this for that reason.

I resent the term that a woman is "making" a man do anything. She's not holding a gun to his head, threatening him with bodily harm or forcing him to remain celibate while dating her. He's free to go find someone else to have sex with, especially since sex is so easy to get these days. (I actually read a complaint from a man who felt a certain woman was "making" him wait...for 3 weeks...while he was involved in a LTR FWB situation!)

The second issue I have with this is the reason behind her decision to wait before having sex. Seems that some men think they already have it all figured out that women "who do this" are "playing games" with him.

As a woman who is interested in a LTR, I want to get to know a man before having sex with him. I want to learn his character...to see if his words match his actions...to observe him in different situations...to discover if his beliefs about life in general coincide with my own. I want to see if he's trustworthy. And I'm sorry to generalize, but it's been my experience that many men will LIE in order to get laid. They can tell you they want an LTR (with YOU) when the whole time, they just want to have sex. They can tell you that they are 'Christian', but it might take you several more weeks or months before discovering how non-Christian they really are.

Just like a man wants to "test drive" a woman before committing to her, she also wants to "test drive" a man...

...and not be pressured into signing on the dotted line by some smooth talking used car salesman! She wants the time to do her homework/research. She wants to kick the tires, see how it handles in the rain and test the brakes. She wants to make sure she's getting value for her 'investment'. When she walks away, she'll be thinking about all of the information she's learned (so far) and she doesn't want to make the wrong decision.

All of this takes time.

I'm writing this in order to encourage you (men) to please understand that women have a LOT more to lose by jumping into the sack with a man too soon. It's a reason why she wants to take her time evaluating her situation before making a decision.

Can you understand that? It really isn't about YOU.
I agree with you. I was dating a woman in college that broke up with me because she wanted to "test drive" me. I told her that I wanted to wait as I wanted to get to know her better. Even as a virgin, I felt that it was something that would bond me to her, and I wanted to be sure before we went that far.

She sent me on my way.
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post #3 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 12:15 AM
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Re: Revisited: Making A Man Wait For Sex

Although I have never had any expectation of having sex early and still don't, most of the women I have had sex with asked me out and offered me sex within hours of meeting or more usually the first, second and less often sometimes the third date. No pressure from me, lies or impatience at all, in fact sometimes I would be asked why I didn't have sex with them earlier.

One of the thing that stands out the most to me, is that with almost all of the people I have had sex with and some people I haven't had sex with. There's a lust/love at first sight thing going on, you know the old cliché, of where our eyes first met bam!

That said I've dated women who I haven't had sex with. Which is all pretty simple if we don't click, and I don't get the coincident all pervasive buzz/thickness in the air of overwhelming mutual sexual attraction I move on. There's little point wasting time trying to establish a sexual relationship absent having that mutual and overwhelming sexual desire. So for me it isn't about time at all, it's always about whether one has that all pervasive sexual connection or not.

When it comes to investing in a long term sexual relationships, some men and women simply prefer to test sexual compatibility first, lest they invest themselves emotionally in a sexual relationship with a sexual partner that is either rubbish in bed or sexually incompatible.

Some men and some women variously (because it depends in part upon who you're with) bond sexually first and the rest follows, while some men and women variously bond emotionally first and the rest follows. Neither is right or wrong, better or worse, they are just different and can both lead to equally positive or not so positive outcomes.
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post #4 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 12:33 AM
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Re: Revisited: Making A Man Wait For Sex

Great thread OP! I totally agree.

I'm not someone to have sex early, or for the sake of it either. Sex complicates things and clouds judgement, lol. Plus I have to have feelings for a man before I could even consider sleeping with him...it's just who I am. I need to feel safe and I need to trust him and know that he values me. My husband and I both wanted to take that part of our relationship slowly, get to know each other first...build our relationship on a solid foundation.

I know myself when I was dating, I wasn't "withholding" sex, or "making him wait" or "testing him" or anything like that. It was simply my boundary, for myself, which I had every right to set, just as the men I dated had every right to next me if they wanted a fast shag
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post #5 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 01:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Revisited: Making A Man Wait For Sex

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Originally Posted by frusdil View Post
I know myself when I was dating, I wasn't "withholding" sex, or "making him wait" or "testing him" or anything like that. It was simply my boundary, for myself, which I had every right to set, just as the men I dated had every right to next me if they wanted a fast shag
Exactly!

And geez luuEEZ, how I despise that term "withholding"...as if sex is something that's "due" to someone, especially someone you're not even in a relationship with!
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post #6 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 01:05 AM
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Re: Revisited: Making A Man Wait For Sex

My first girlfriend was 2 years younger than me, I was 17 and she was 15. Her family would only let me see her at their house so there was no opportunity, besides the fact that she said she wanted to wait till later. I was fine with that. Oops, the 16 year old boy across the street knocked her up a year later. Her step brother told me about it. GREAT!

So I moved on. Later I met the young woman that would become my fiancé. She was religious and said we should wait till we were married to have sex. Ok, I was on board for that. She was everything I had been looking for. As you may have guessed, she had a guy on the side she was banging, and she dumped me for him.

So you say it's my own fault, I could have just went out and got some strange because the woman I loved and trusted told me to wait. What would that have said about me? That I'm going to cheat if I don't get it right now? Maybe I was stupid, I damn sure was young. That was nearly 30 years ago. I stopped dating completely after that and gave up. Which is what has driven me to SI and here, along with some time in therapy in 2010-2011, trying to figure out what broke in me.

I do not blame those two girls for asking me to wait back then. I thought it proved they were good girls and worth waiting for. I blame them for telling me to wait while they indulged their carnal needs elsewhere. Then for the next 25 years I assumed there was something wrong with me.
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post #7 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 01:31 AM
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Re: Revisited: Making A Man Wait For Sex

Dip me in in honey and tie me to an ant hill...cuz this is just crazy!

From were I'm sitting ...sex is the glue...why wait for it when it is so much fun for both parties?

I mean even if one doesn't know how to phuck ..isn't that much more fun teaching the other how?

I mean if one doesn't have the "itch" ...I mean is it to let your partner go with out...isn't meeting your partners need the best part?

I mean ...who is running the show here?

Granted I let my old lady on top, but at the end of the day she is the one telling me "DON'T STOP"!!!!!


I REGRESS......no matter how I cut it...I still have to wait!!! I am so phucking bete!
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post #8 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 04:27 AM
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Re: Revisited: Making A Man Wait For Sex

The only guys I ever jumped into bed with straight away were ones I *wasn't* interested in developing a relationship with. My DH would claim I jumped into bed with him pretty quick, but in reality, we'd known each other for a few months before actually deciding to form a relationship.

So if a girl is holding off and you want sex NOW, then just drop it because she's looking for something more than a casual fling, and you aren't worth the wait.
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post #9 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 04:38 AM
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Re: Revisited: Making A Man Wait For Sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vega View Post
When I read an interesting thread here on TAM, many times I'll visit some other (random) forums to read about other people's experiences in the same/similar situation(s). Time and time again, I will read about how some man is angry because the woman he is dating is "making" him wait for sex.

This couldn't be further from the truth.

While it's true that SOME women will consciously "make" a man wait, for the sole purpose of deliberately trying to frustrate him, the majority of women are not doing this for that reason.

I resent the term that a woman is "making" a man do anything. She's not holding a gun to his head, threatening him with bodily harm or forcing him to remain celibate while dating her. He's free to go find someone else to have sex with, especially since sex is so easy to get these days. (I actually read a complaint from a man who felt a certain woman was "making" him wait...for 3 weeks...while he was involved in a LTR FWB situation!)

The second issue I have with this is the reason behind her decision to wait before having sex. Seems that some men think they already have it all figured out that women "who do this" are "playing games" with him.

As a woman who is interested in a LTR, I want to get to know a man before having sex with him. I want to learn his character...to see if his words match his actions...to observe him in different situations...to discover if his beliefs about life in general coincide with my own. I want to see if he's trustworthy. And I'm sorry to generalize, but it's been my experience that many men will LIE in order to get laid. They can tell you they want an LTR (with YOU) when the whole time, they just want to have sex. They can tell you that they are 'Christian', but it might take you several more weeks or months before discovering how non-Christian they really are.

Just like a man wants to "test drive" a woman before committing to her, she also wants to "test drive" a man...

...and not be pressured into signing on the dotted line by some smooth talking used car salesman! She wants the time to do her homework/research. She wants to kick the tires, see how it handles in the rain and test the brakes. She wants to make sure she's getting value for her 'investment'. When she walks away, she'll be thinking about all of the information she's learned (so far) and she doesn't want to make the wrong decision.

All of this takes time.

I'm writing this in order to encourage you (men) to please understand that women have a LOT more to lose by jumping into the sack with a man too soon. It's a reason why she wants to take her time evaluating her situation before making a decision.

Can you understand that? It really isn't about YOU.

Yes I understand. Good advice. I agree that men who feel the strong urge after some time while investing in a potential LTR should not expect sex but when they feel the urge, they should simply go and **** every prostitute and one night stand floosy they come across so as not to jeopardise the potential great LTR they are working on. Totally agree that no one is holding a gun to their head. And I am sure that, as you said, the female in this LTR scenario would not mind that one bit. After all its the relationship that matters not the sex!

Really ?

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post #10 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 06:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vega View Post
When I read an interesting thread here on TAM, many times I'll visit some other (random) forums to read about other people's experiences in the same/similar situation(s). Time and time again, I will read about how some man is angry because the woman he is dating is "making" him wait for sex.

This couldn't be further from the truth.

While it's true that SOME women will consciously "make" a man wait, for the sole purpose of deliberately trying to frustrate him, the majority of women are not doing this for that reason.

I resent the term that a woman is "making" a man do anything. She's not holding a gun to his head, threatening him with bodily harm or forcing him to remain celibate while dating her. He's free to go find someone else to have sex with, especially since sex is so easy to get these days. (I actually read a complaint from a man who felt a certain woman was "making" him wait...for 3 weeks...while he was involved in a LTR FWB situation!)

The second issue I have with this is the reason behind her decision to wait before having sex. Seems that some men think they already have it all figured out that women "who do this" are "playing games" with him.

As a woman who is interested in a LTR, I want to get to know a man before having sex with him. I want to learn his character...to see if his words match his actions...to observe him in different situations...to discover if his beliefs about life in general coincide with my own. I want to see if he's trustworthy. And I'm sorry to generalize, but it's been my experience that many men will LIE in order to get laid. They can tell you they want an LTR (with YOU) when the whole time, they just want to have sex. They can tell you that they are 'Christian', but it might take you several more weeks or months before discovering how non-Christian they really are.

Just like a man wants to "test drive" a woman before committing to her, she also wants to "test drive" a man...

...and not be pressured into signing on the dotted line by some smooth talking used car salesman! She wants the time to do her homework/research. She wants to kick the tires, see how it handles in the rain and test the brakes. She wants to make sure she's getting value for her 'investment'. When she walks away, she'll be thinking about all of the information she's learned (so far) and she doesn't want to make the wrong decision.

All of this takes time.

I'm writing this in order to encourage you (men) to please understand that women have a LOT more to lose by jumping into the sack with a man too soon. It's a reason why she wants to take her time evaluating her situation before making a decision.

Can you understand that? It really isn't about YOU.
Spot on.

It's NOT NOT about You. !!!!!!

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post #11 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 07:47 AM
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Re: Revisited: Making A Man Wait For Sex

I guess everybody gets to decide what crap to put up with when dating. If shes a cold fish and has to wait until shes know your favorite color,religious beliefs,character,political views, thats all good. But were not teenagers here. I think theres room for some hanky panky along the way. so don't be surprised when after a few dates he stops calling because as women want to test drive the character of the man, the man want to test drive the sexual character of the woman. especially if he was in a long term relationship with a woman who had to have the sun moon and stars align before she would have sex. or a woman who is very selfish sexually.

middle ground

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post #12 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 08:32 AM
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Re: Revisited: Making A Man Wait For Sex

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Originally Posted by manfromlamancha View Post
Yes I understand. Good advice. I agree that men who feel the strong urge after some time while investing in a potential LTR should not expect sex but when they feel the urge, they should simply go and **** every prostitute and one night stand floosy they come across so as not to jeopardise the potential great LTR they are working on. Totally agree that no one is holding a gun to their head. And I am sure that, as you said, the female in this LTR scenario would not mind that one bit. After all its the relationship that matters not the sex!

Really ?
This is why we need a "thumbs down " button
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post #13 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 08:34 AM
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Re: Revisited: Making A Man Wait For Sex

Personally, I have no problem with your idea. As long as you are upfront and honest from the get-go with the man, it's his choice to wait or look elsewhere. I assume you tell a man that you will not be having sex with him until you have vetted him as a suitable partner for you, right? I would have an issue if you tell him nothing, flirt, kiss, heavy pet or otherwise lead him to believe that you are willing to have sex when you are not.

I would ask one question, though. I assume you are not a virgin, so why make sex into the Excalibur sword that can only be possessed by the chosen one? Do you not enjoy sex? Why would you choose to deprive yourself of pleasure just to test a man? If you don't like sex, that's an entirely different ball of wax and I think it would be reprehensible to conceal that fact from a man you are seeking to gain a long-term commitment from.

Give it some thought. Just are there are some men who care about nothing but getting laid, there are women who only have sex to "land" their man. The guy who lies to and manipulates a woman just to get in her pants is no better or worse than the woman who lies to and manipulates a man for her own interests. If men and women were completely honest with one another, there would be fewer divorces. Probably fewer marriages, too. Definitely fewer bad marriages.
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post #14 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 08:49 AM
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Re: Revisited: Making A Man Wait For Sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
I guess everybody gets to decide what crap to put up with when dating. If shes a cold fish and has to wait until shes know your favorite color,religious beliefs,character,political views, thats all good. But were not teenagers here. I think theres room for some hanky panky along the way. so don't be surprised when after a few dates he stops calling because as women want to test drive the character of the man, the man want to test drive the sexual character of the woman. especially if he was in a long term relationship with a woman who had to have the sun moon and stars align before she would have sex. or a woman who is very selfish sexually.

middle ground
I've always been a sexual camel of sorts. I can go for long periods without sex, no sweat, but if I have a woman in my life...I'm not going to wait six months. After about a month, I would just simply lose interest.

I have never cheated and never dated multiple women past about the second or third date. I truly am a one woman man, or at least one woman at any given time. If the chemistry isn't strong enough in the beginning to make sex natural and easy, it's not likely to develop later. At least not in my experience.

If my wife told me on our first date that she wouldn't be having sex until some undetermined time at which I had "proven" myself to her there would not have been a second date. Fair enough, we would both be free to find someone else. The fact that she jumped my bones on the second date made that a bit of a moot point.
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post #15 of 391 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 08:55 AM
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Re: Revisited: Making A Man Wait For Sex

@zookeeper I can understand your sentiments. But I think some men don't understand the vulnerability a woman feels when she gives herself sexually. In my situation (18 year old virgin, 22 year old reformed playa ) I did not want to be phucked and tossed aside. The chemistry between us was overwhelming but how could I be sure that it was not fleeting for him? I half believed him because he didn't start pressuring me for a couple of months into the relationship. I gave in after a couple more months but it probably wasn't until 6 months or so that I truly felt my heart was "safe" with him.
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