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post #31 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 05:31 PM
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Re: Tell the new guy about your past?

That is really sad.

If it were me, I would be concerned if I learned about it early on, but after 6 months I would know that it wasn't controlling your life, so it wouldn't drive me away in any way.




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Several months. I told one at the 6 month mark because everything was great and he dumped me like a hot potatoe.


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post #32 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 10:27 AM
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Re: Tell the new guy about your past?

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I hate this, but I have decided to go the slow route. As he shares with me, I will share with him.

My 1 super crazy ex is out of the picture and 1 is just a pest. It is my children's father that is hurting me most. We have been split up for years and I am still a s*** and a w****.

Because #2 pounded me in front of my kids, I have CPS in my life. My worker thinks that #1 is still in love with me, even after 7 years.

I really may just be single until my kids are adults. I hate feeling like property.


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What do you mean by #3 is just a pest?

What is making you feel like property?
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post #33 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Tell the new guy about your past?

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As for being over it. No I am not. I am in therapy. I will never be over it. That gives me my safety from those negative qualities in men.
Then sorry you shouldn't be dating... What man would want to deal with YOUR insecurities especially if even YOU refuse to address them?!?

"I will never be over it." - This statement ALONE would make me run for the hills. You have no healthy future as long as you live in the past.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #34 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 11:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Tell the new guy about your past?

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What do you mean by #3 is just a pest?



What is making you feel like property?


1 is kids dad
2 is the beater
3 is a pest.

He is a pest because no matter what I say or do, short of a restraining order, the guy will not leave me alone. I think I have rid myself of him and sure enough a few months later he calls me or emails me. He doesnt do anything but annoy me, so I cannot get a restraining order.

1 makes me feel like property. We have been split up for over 7 years and he still gets angry when my phone buzzes or I ask him to take the kids so I can go out. It makes me feel like he thinks I am a piece of property that he owns because even after so long he still tries to dictate my life.


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post #35 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 11:39 AM
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Re: Tell the new guy about your past?

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1 is kids dad
2 is the beater
3 is a pest.

He is a pest because no matter what I say or do, short of a restraining order, the guy will not leave me alone. I think I have rid myself of him and sure enough a few months later he calls me or emails me. He doesnt do anything but annoy me, so I cannot get a restraining order.

1 makes me feel like property. We have been split up for over 7 years and he still gets angry when my phone buzzes or I ask him to take the kids so I can go out. It makes me feel like he thinks I am a piece of property that he owns because even after so long he still tries to dictate my life.


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So, #3... why don't you block his number and email? You could filter the email, so it won't bounce back as "undeliverable". You can have your carrier screen his phone.

Does #1 have visitation rights with your kids? If so, how often?
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post #36 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 11:45 AM
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Re: Tell the new guy about your past?

@xMadame, looking back on it now, what you say were some red flags that you missed with either of these men that you would avoid these days?
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post #37 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 02:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Tell the new guy about your past?

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@xMadame, looking back on it now, what you say were some red flags that you missed with either of these men that you would avoid these days?


Too clingy and needy and fast moving from the start. Took up way too much of my time.


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post #38 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 02:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Tell the new guy about your past?

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Originally Posted by Kivlor View Post
So, #3... why don't you block his number and email? You could filter the email, so it won't bounce back as "undeliverable". You can have your carrier screen his phone.



Does #1 have visitation rights with your kids? If so, how often?


I have blocked him. He then calls from a friends phone or his work or a pay phone or an app that gives you phone calling. Email is just a different email address. I have to tell him off every time.
Guys like that do not care about what you say or do, they do what they want anyways.




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post #39 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 02:59 PM
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Re: Tell the new guy about your past?

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Too clingy and needy and fast moving from the start. Took up way too much of my time.


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Sounds familiar. in the 80s I dated a guy for 6 months who stalked when I broke up with him.

Moved too fast; had narrow views about women; befriended my family (shame on them too). these days, a requirement of mine is that anyone with whom I have a relationship will NOT be a friend of my family.

You may think of a few other red flags.
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post #40 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: Tell the new guy about your past?

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Originally Posted by xMadame View Post
I have blocked him. He then calls from a friends phone or his work or a pay phone or an app that gives you phone calling. Email is just a different email address. I have to tell him off every time.
Guys like that do not care about what you say or do, they do what they want anyways.




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If you filter the emails, he won't know you don't get them. If he keeps calling you should take it up with the police. I'm guessing that your "well, he's just going to keep talking to me forever, nothing to be done about it" attitude doesn't sit well with a lot of men.

You never answered my questions about X #1. Does #1 have visitation rights with your kids? If so, how often?


Last edited by Kivlor; 05-04-2017 at 03:22 PM.
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post #41 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 03:27 PM
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Thank you. We passed your wishes on to my wife's sister. Her sister did enjoy her second marriage, keeping constantly in touch, and often exchanging visits with Mary. My wife's sister died of a heart attack last year, at the age of 64.

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Originally Posted by AVR1962 View Post
I am dealing with the same right now. Both my husbands were cheaters. I was married to my second husband for 24 years so it seems like a lifetime ago that I was married to my first husband. I didn't mention I was married twice to a man I was dating and apparently that sent up a red flag. The conversations had really not gone that deep and we had not been dating long. Had I mentioned this initially he might not have stuck around to get to know me. I don't go into detail. I just tell men I was married twice and both were cheats and yes, I think they see me as damaged goods.
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Quote:
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If you do not discuss it, when it does come up later they will say you lied to them. And it will come up someday.



My sister in law was in an abusive marriage, had 3 children, got divorced. I do know her new husband did know about the ex and the abuse before they got married. I do not know if she told him about it before they got engaged. It was a long time ago, but I think she did.



Part of her healing was telling everyone. She stopped being secretive about being beaten, about how she got those broken bones, and how she ended up in the hospital so many times. I did encourage her to be open about it.



Secrecy allows that behavior to persist.



It never dawned on me she may have narrowed her potential future pool of "second husbands" by being forthright about it.



Personally I would have had no respect for any man who would have had any problem with her past, and accepting the challenge of living with her while knowing her past. Since he needed to know, the question is when.



Please be well.


Thank you. I feel the same and best wishes to your SIL and you.


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post #42 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 03:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Tell the new guy about your past?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kivlor View Post
If you filter the emails, he won't know you don't get them. If he keeps calling you should take it up with the police. I'm guessing that your "well, he's just going to keep talking to me forever, nothing to be done about it" attitude doesn't sit well with a lot of men.

You never answered my questions about X #1. Does #1 have visitation rights with your kids? If so, how often?


Sorry. He does but doesn't access it like he is suppose to but they do see him daily for about 30 minutes.


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post #43 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 03:49 PM
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Re: Tell the new guy about your past?

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Sorry. He does but doesn't access it like he is suppose to but they do see him daily for about 30 minutes.


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Why doesn't he see them per the agreement?
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post #44 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-05-2017, 07:44 AM
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Re: Tell the new guy about your past?

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Then sorry you shouldn't be dating... What man would want to deal with YOUR insecurities especially if even YOU refuse to address them?!?

"I will never be over it." - This statement ALONE would make me run for the hills. You have no healthy future as long as you live in the past.
The OP is addressing those issues - she has stated I AM IN THERAPY. And news flash - we are who we are because of our past. It doesn't mean she is living in the past, it simply means that what happened, happened and it made her who she is today. If she would NOT date she would still be living in the past.

OP I cannot say what I would do. I do not know the extent of your abuse or how it has affected you aside from what you post. However I agree with others who have said it - the men who drop you, are doing you a favor. At the very least you know if they can't accept you for who you are, then they are not the right man for you. You just need to be who you are. Any relationship built on being some one you aren't is doomed to fail anyway. At least if you tell them and they go, you won't be wasting anymore of your time. Because the reality is that the only thing we owe another person is honesty.
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post #45 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-05-2017, 07:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Tell the new guy about your past?

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Why doesn't he see them per the agreement?


Partially because of his work schedule, partially because 2 have autism and he lacks the capacity to parent them properly so I get to do it all.


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