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post #1 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 01:04 PM Thread Starter
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Need reality check - GF hotel with ex

Hi guys,

I'm brand new here. I will try to make this as brief as possible. I need a reality check. I'm 42 (ex)gf is 41. Even though I broke up with her over this I will still refer to her as GF in this post. Here is what has happened:

We've been together for almost 2 years. My GF really likes the band Phish. She's seen them over 100 times. Her and her soon to be ex-husband use to travel around to see the band (she is in the final phase of her divorce). I'm not particularly fond of the band but I told her I would go to a show with her (to make her happy). We would have to travel a bit (not much, a few hours) to see the show. She has family where the show is being played. I assumed one or two nights (we're going to a concert). It then turned into 5 or 6 nights staying over at various peoples' homes. I was not okay with that. I put my foot down to no more than 2 nights. She was not okay with that and said she would go by herself. She also treated me pretty badly after that to the point where I had to leave her place and go home. I couldn't tolerate being talked to and treated the way she was treating me any longer even after I tried to let her cool down and lighten the mood.

Now, her soon to be ex husband (whom she has 2 children with) is also going to the show. He still goes to see them whenever he can. I met her ex for a total of about 30 minutes over 3 brief interactions. He is a really good guy and a good dad. I have no problem with him whatsoever.

I get a call from my GF saying that she is going to go to the show with him. They are going to go to 2 concerts back to back. She asked if I wanted to go and that I could get a ride with him home so I would only have to be there for 2 nights. She talked about staying at her friends house (which didn't pan out), staying at her dad's place (who she doesn't seem to like and hopes that he gets a hotel when he visits her soon rather than staying at her place), and staying at one of my relative's place (who I haven't talked to in a year). She then mentioned getting a hotel and that we could have a nice romantic weekend and enjoy the city. This entire plan had changed so much that I said no. It was all too convoluted and too much for me. I agreed to go to one show, not two.

That's the background. Here is what led me to end the relationship and here is where I need a reality check. I saw her email, it was logged in on my computer. I saw an email that she booked a hotel reservation with her soon to be ex husband for two nights for the show they are going together. She never mentioned that part to me before booking. We never had a discussion about it. Even though I like the guy, I'm not okay with her not talking to me about it first and even if she did I would not be okay with that.

I told her that I saw the email. I know she was never going to tell me that the two of them got a room together. When her and I talked about it she seemed hell bent on not getting a hotel (I actually suggested getting one in our first talk about it). They will also be dropping the children off at his parent's as they live in the area. She did not apologize for not including me in her decision making and seems to be mad at me because I didn't want to go to this event.

There are other things that have happened in the past that I won't get into. I think I'm dealing with a completely self-absorbed person here that will justify doing anything they want as long as her needs are met. When I talked to her and tried to tell her that I feel that what she did was inappropriate and that in a healthy, respectful relationship those are things that need to be discussed before pulling the trigger on making a plan like that. She figuratively put her hands over her ears as she raised her volume to drown me out, not listening or hearing what I was trying to talk about.

So, I'm I wrong for being upset? Am I out of touch with reality and wrong for not doing something that I don't want to do? I feel like I'm losing my mind over things like this? Have I?

Thank you so much to anyone that reads this longer than intended post.

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post #2 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 01:09 PM
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Re: Need reality check - GF hotel with ex

You are not wrong for being upset that your now-ex GF got a hotel room with her STBX? husband... Does this mean you were dating her while they were separated and they are not divorced yet? Like I'm sure they could spin it like "economical" or something but if you're not shagging, and you used to, you probably shouldn't be sharing a hotel room unless it was the only one left.
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post #3 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 01:11 PM
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Re: Need reality check - GF hotel with ex

I would have dumped her too. Move on. Plenty of fish out there.

Keep her on the side for a Saturday night hookup until you're back in a serious relationship. That's about all she's worth.
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post #4 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 01:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need reality check - GF hotel with ex

@growing_weary

Yes, they were still married but legally separated. They both live in separate places and he has a GF.

@GuyInColorado

I think that's exactly what I needed to hear. Although, I really do care about this woman and the last few days have really been tough on me. However, I know that after her selfish tactics in the past and what I'm now learning may be emotional abuse in the form of manipulation, that I need to fortify my self respect. Up until this relationship I would never tolerate the type of behavior that I have. I think there may be a cluster B personality disorder on her part that has really beat me down. Those things will do that to even the strongest man, I guess that's why I'm questioning my decision to end the relationship. She can talk her way out of a paper bag it seems.
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post #5 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 01:18 PM
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Re: Need reality check - GF hotel with ex

no, it sounds like your making the right choice.

poor boundaries. cut it off early or be ready for a life of grief.
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post #6 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: Need reality check - GF hotel with ex

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Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
I would have dumped her too. Move on. Plenty of fish out there.

Keep her on the side for a Saturday night hookup until you're back in a serious relationship. That's about all she's worth.
I agree with this. Just move on.
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post #7 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 01:29 PM
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Not even taking into consideration the hotel share with her... husband... (which is completely unacceptable) I'd let this one go solely over the hands over the ears while you were trying to discuss something with her.
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post #8 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: Need reality check - GF hotel with ex

Separated ain't divorced. She has been with you for nearly 2 years plenty of time to go from separated to divorced. So, really, she's going to a concert with her husband and then they'll be sharing a hotel room for a couple nights.

Yeah, you did the right thing. They clearly have unfinished business.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #9 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: Need reality check - GF hotel with ex

She is 41 years old and going to Phish concerts like that? That seems ridiculous to me, but whatever.

You're right to dump her over this. Don't feel bad. Plenty of other phish in the sea, so go find yourself a mature one who isn't still married to someone else.
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post #10 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 01:44 PM
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Re: Need reality check - GF hotel with ex

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Originally Posted by AmICrazy43 View Post
So, I'm I wrong for being upset? Am I out of touch with reality and wrong for not doing something that I don't want to do? I feel like I'm losing my mind over things like this? Have I?

Thank you so much to anyone that reads this longer than intended post.
While I agree with the other posters that sharing a room with her soon to be ex-husband is grounds to end your relationship, I also think that you didn't handle some things very well. In a future relationship with a better girlfriend, if she changes her plans and tries to make it possible for you to join her, I recommend being more flexible. Secondly, if your girlfriend really wanted to see her favorite band two nights, instead of the originally mentioned one night, I recommend for your sake that you be more understanding and go with her both nights.

My criticisms are meant to be friendly and based only on one short post. And of course worth the amount you just paid for it.

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post #11 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 01:45 PM
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Re: Need reality check - GF hotel with ex

Sounds like they're still into each other, and one of the manyyyy reasons you don't date someone until they're officially divorced. That said, I've read stories on here where people are still hanging out and going places with exes. lol Don't know why people split up if they're still into each other? It's like they don't want to let go of the person, but they don't want to live with the person. Idk.

I think you're right to break things off, for many reasons, not just the reasons you name. She sounds like she's still into her ex by her actions. I'd go no contact, to save yourself from going back to her, only to break up with her again...and again...

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown
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post #12 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 01:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need reality check - GF hotel with ex

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While I agree with the other posters that sharing a room with her soon to be ex-husband is grounds to end your relationship, I also think that you didn't handle some things very well. In a future relationship with a better girlfriend, if she changes her plans and tries to make it possible for you to join her, I recommend being more flexible. Secondly, if your girlfriend really wanted to see her favorite band two nights, instead of the originally mentioned one night, I recommend for your sake that you be more understanding and go with her both nights.

My criticisms are meant to be friendly and based only on one short post. And of course worth the amount you just paid for it.
I totally appreciate everything you've said. I guess this is the part that's making me question things. From my perspective, this plan changed too many times and put me out of my comfort zone. I feel that I tried to compromise by agreeing to going to 1 show. Things like this have happened in the past where I will agree to one thing and then the goal posts get moved on me. My compromise then becomes doing everything she wants to do.

Again, I appreciate your post. So you think I should have agreed to going to both shows (which I think I would rather pull my fingernails out with rusty pliers)? I hope you're not a phish fan (if so, no disrespect).
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post #13 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 01:55 PM
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Re: Need reality check - GF hotel with ex

She definitely sounds like she's got BPD personality disorder going on... if she diagnosed as a narcissistic or BPD you can't win with them. They don't ever change and there's no care for them. If she's not afflicted with any of those personality disorders then she just really immature and selfish and self-centered to the core. Bottom line she's not a good candidate for a relationship. You did the right thing by breaking up with her big time.!you need to go NC (no contact). I'm surprised you made it through two years with her. At her age carrying on about a ban oh my God, and she has kids.! wow poor children. Then we wonder where all these messed up people come from.

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post #14 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 02:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need reality check - GF hotel with ex

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She definitely sounds like she's got BPD personality disorder going on... if she diagnosed as a narcissistic or BPD you can't win with them. They don't ever change and there's no care for them. If she's not afflicted with any of those personality disorders then she just really immature and selfish and self-centered to the core. Bottom line she's not a good candidate for a relationship. You did the right thing by breaking up with her big time.!you need to go NC (no contact). I'm surprised you made it through two years with her. At her age carrying on about a ban oh my God, and she has kids.! wow poor children. Then we wonder where all these messed up people come from.
It's funny you say that. I've actually done a lot of research over the last few days about disorders and BPD really stuck out to me. I looked up stuff to see if there is anything wrong with me as well as with her. She really fits the mold for BPD (low end of the spectrum though). From what I gather from her brother in law, she really manipulated her stxh, got him the way she wanted him to be, and then kicked him to the curb. The thing is, people with a cluster B disorder really dig into your mind and make you question your own sanity, which is why I'm here. Part of me feels like I've blown this all out of proportion but my gut tells me to run away and to not let anyone disrespect me, my boundaries, and my emotions in a way that is totally inappropriate.

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it!
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post #15 of 74 (permalink) Old 07-31-2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: Need reality check - GF hotel with ex

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Originally Posted by AmICrazy43 View Post
I totally appreciate everything you've said. I guess this is the part that's making me question things. From my perspective, this plan changed too many times and put me out of my comfort zone. I feel that I tried to compromise by agreeing to going to 1 show. Things like this have happened in the past where I will agree to one thing and then the goal posts get moved on me. My compromise then becomes doing everything she wants to do.

Again, I appreciate your post. So you think I should have agreed to going to both shows (which I think I would rather pull my fingernails out with rusty pliers)? I hope you're not a phish fan (if so, no disrespect).
I think @Steve1000 may have misunderstood. I got the impression that she asked you to go, but her plans kept changing and you decided to skip the trip because of the instability involved. In other words, she wasn't being accommodating so much as she was being a flake.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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